Parents Parent problems vs serious gymnastics

[Fliptwisttumble]

My daughter is what I'll quoin a serious gymnast. She's 9, and competes at about a L8 equivalent. She is in the gym 25 hours a week, and for all intensive purposes it is her life.

A couple of months ago her dad and I separated. We are seeing if we can work out our issues, but can't guarantee we can. She has taken it very hard, as anyone would expect. But the issue is it seems to really affect her outlook on gymnastics. She has meltdowns when she is dropped off, and now perceives gymnastics to be taking time away from us (it does to some extent, but as we are both professionals it is not near or even the majority of the time she is in the gym).

Since it has been Christmas break, she's had downtime which I'd hoped would give her the time with us she needs, but it seems to have had the opposite effect and she now says she wants to quit gym altogether. She can't come up with a single thing about gym that she doesn't like, although I know she is nervous as she is going to her first national meet in two weeks. Her reason is that she is stressed when she goes to gym due to other things.

I am intending on just making her continue, but to take her to someone to talk through her problems. Only I'd always promised her and had an agreement that if ever it was too much, gym was too much work to do if she didn't love it. She's reminded me of that promise. I feel like I am letting her down again

Thoughts?

 

[LizzieLac]

Sorry you are experiencing this difficult period. Maybe she just needs a short break from gym to help her feel connected to her parents while you all go through this transition. Sometimes a short break can re-ignite that flame. Also, her brain/emotions are on overload rght now with everything that is going on and maybe she just can't handle having to be her normally strong self in the gym, in front of coaches and teamates, when she is sad or confused about her parents.

See if a short break for a month is something she would be interested in. Since she is 9, I think she has plenty of time and a break like that won't hurt her gymnastics but might give her a mental break so she can focus on the family aspects. Remind her that what is most important is the relationship she has with her parents and that you love her no matter what.

Goodluck with everything - I hope it all works out.

 

[Iwannabemargo]

Firstly - sorry

secondly, if you and her dad are on goodish terms, could you not sit down together with her and talk to her about this together ? It may help her to know that you are trying to work things out and no matter what you both still love and support her.

If dad has moved out could he not take her to gym sometimes and show his support ?

Obviously I don't know your personal situation but I know my smalls get very upset when there dad and I argue, so I can't imagine how upsetting this must be for her, plus the added pressures of high level gym.

Maybe talking to a professional as a family might help ?

Hope you all feel better soon xxxx

 

[Fliptwisttumble]

Hi all, to add, her dad and I are on good terms. She spends half her time with each, so he is just as involved as I in supporting her with gym, talking through issues, etc.

 

[gymgal]

Sorry you are going through this. It is difficult for everyone involved. Her reaction is very normal as she is just trying to make sense of it. She may be thinking that the stress of gymnastics (time, money) may have helped to contribute to the separation, even if you have assured her they haven't. She may see your decision to separate as an impulsive one, since she likely hasn't seen/heard the behind the scenes incidents. And she is reacting in the same way. It might help her to sit down and discuss that your decision was well thought out, where you and father discussed all options and remind her that you haven't quit on the marriage, that this is a separation, not a divorce (even if it looks like that might be the end result, it would be better for her to process this in stages). Then you can relate this to her gymnastics, where she needs to make an informed and well thought decision, not impulsive. Tell her she really needs to think about this over a couple months time and then make a decision. If the end of the season is coming up, maybe you can say she is committed to the team until that time. That does not go against what you promised her about quitting at anytime.

Of course, if she had been showing signs of stress before this time amd wanting to quit, then that's a different story and should be handled differently, but from what you related, this really just came from the separation.

 

[MaryA]

Do you and your husband ever fight about gymnastics (the amount of time, money, commitment, etc.)? I know my husband and I do. We try not to fight about it in front of DD, but kids are pretty perceptive. If so, it is likely that she feels like this is somehow her fault. Heck, even if you have NEVER fought about gym, she may somehow feel that if she had been AROUND more, she could have somehow prevented this from happening. I think you are on the right track when you say you want to find someone for her to talk to about this. I don't know if I would allow her to take a break from gymnastics right now. Even though it is what she says she wants, gymnastics and her coaches and teammates are a constant in her life when everything else feels like it's changing. Tell her that experts recommend that, when you have a big change in your life, you shouldn't make any other life-altering decisions for a year or you may find that you regret them. At least, that's what people told me when my dad died and I just wanted to sell the house and quit my job and move home to be with my mother.

I am sorry that your family is going through this. I hope that, whatever the outcome, everyone emerges as unscathed as possible... (((hugs)))

 

[vagymmomma]

I'm so sorry about your circumstances. I believe that you have gotten some sage advice from other posters. Is it possible to reduce hours rather than quit completely? Maybe she just needs a less stressful situation and she'll regain the enjoyment she used to feel for the sport.

 

[gopuckgo]

Sometimes time off is just what they need. One girl at our gym quit gym for over 6 months because she was unhappy at her former gym. It was long enough to re-ignite her and allow her to make the choice to come back for herself. She came back to a different gym ( our current gym) and within one year went on to win USAG Easterns. I would not worry that the time off is a bad thing. Maybe quitting gym is something that she has control over and that is really what she is seeking, control of a situation? Maybe not, but talk with her about it.

 

[Faith]

Tell her that experts recommend that, when you have a big change in your life, you shouldn't make any other life-altering decisions for a year or you may find that you regret them. At least, that's what people told me when my dad died and I just wanted to sell the house and quit my job and move home to be with my mother.

I am sorry that your family is going through this. I hope that, whatever the outcome, everyone emerges as unscathed as possible... (((hugs)))

This.

Anyway. Have you had a sit down talk with the coach? I know when I had a major life change when I was young my whole world tilted, and I felt everyone moved on and got back to "normal" far too quickly. I went back to being pushed at gym, no allowances made for the fact I was feeling fragile- if you're not feeling emotionally strong it can be difficult to make yourself do that scary move, or that extra sit up. Maybe even take competition off the table until she's in a better place.

Chat to the coach, and maybe ask her to have a chat to your DD. Just to acknowledge that she's going through a tough time, they know she's finding it hard, and appreciate her efforts. Would it be possible to ask an older gymnast who's been through similar to take her for ice-cream and answer any questions too, just so she knows its not unusual, and people do get through it. A sports psychologist might be helpful...

 

[Krystan]

So sorry for what you're going through. I second (third?) the idea that one shouldn't make major life decisions when going through another crisis. It's hard to think clearly. Maybe have her wait three months (or the end of the season, or whatever time frame makes sense) and THEN decide. Meanwhile, a talk with the coach could clue them in that something is going on and to be understanding and patient with dd, so she can be patient with herself. Maybe even a modified training schedule so you can spend more time with her, if the coach is okay with it. Time together will be so important for both of you going through this major life change. And yes, an independent person to talk things through with could also work wonders. It sounds like you are handling a difficult situation well. Good luck with everything.

 

[Fliptwisttumble]

Thanks, everyone.

Her coaches are totally on board helping her through this. I think they were the first people I told. She is with them as much as she is with me, and she had her first meet of the season like two weeks after we split. They've seen her meltdowns in the lobby, and understand when I finally get her in there that it is the best we can do, and they've been absolutely super with both of us. I've emailed them as well about this latest issue, so that they know where her head is at.

I completely agree with the fact that she may feel this is the only thing she can "control". But I went to the gym early and watched a bit when I picked her up today, and there she was, standing waiting to do her tumble lines, smiling and chatting. I feel like her friends are there, she can vent her stresses working out, and it gives a constant as some of you have said. But goodness she is stubborn (just like her mom ) and I suspect won't give up too easily. Good thing neither will I.

 

[txgymfan]

Sounds like you are doing everything you can to support your daughter. Since she seems happy in the gym I would stress the commitment she made to the team and reevaluate things after the season is over. Then after the season encourage working out during the summer on all of the fun stuff.

 

[Seeker]

Yes, I agree with the others. No other big changes should be made right now, under duress. I would just let her know that you understand her feelings and frustration and you support her, but that you've/she has made a commitment to the team for this season and that if she wants to retire at the end of this year, then you'll be supportive of that. For now, the gym is probably the best place for her...hopefully she will eventually rely on the stability there as a comfort and an outlet for her.

Sending you both a cyber hug!

 

[LIGYMMOM]

Is she the kind of kid who maybe thinks she should be home to help "take care" of mom? Sometimes when there are big things going on at home it's hard to be away and maybe she feels a bit of guilt? Or even just uncertainty. I'm totally speculating here but just a thought. As things get worked out, or changed, at some point things will be back to normal, or there will be a new normal, and she will become accustomed to it. But I agree, for now, it would be good for her to stay at the gym where things are "normal", and the physical activity will be good for her psyche and stress level.
So sorry you're going through this.

 

[curlygirls]

I agree with those who have suggested no major changes for a year, especially since she still seems happy at the gym. I mainly just wanted to say that I am so sorry that you are going through this, and your family is in my thoughts.

 

[Amusibus]

Excellent advice from MaryA as usual.

 

[iwannacoach]

You and her father have been the foundation and center of her life since she can remember. She's started every day of her life with the comfort of knowing her parents were there and she could count on them for so many things, and for a very long time into the future..... like forever. She has a lot invested in her parents, but now wonders if investing in anything makes sense. So it may be that she wants to quit rather than wait for something to go wrong with that which has been the second center of her life.

She needs someone to talk to that can help her understand that one thing isn't connected to the other, and that both her parents will be as caring and supportive of her no matter what changes may take place between the two of you. A professional counselor or therapist could help start that process with her, and eventually moderate a dialog between all three of you.

Tell her to get used to the smell of chalk dust and to enjoy it until the dust settles over her family issues and she can see things more clearly.

 

[gracyomalley]

I had a nice long reply but I lost it....DD 11 melted down this year at gym and it turned out to be largely related to dealing with family conflict (my ex divorced me when she was 5...he's still a big part of her life but has never bought into gym being something she really loved...she apparently was convinced this was because he only saw one meet - when she was 8 and so tiny she couldn't get over the vault table...she stated that maybe if he's seen her at Level 7 states placing well he'd support her more...neither he nor I understood how much this was hurting her.)

She has a wonderful head coach who met with us as an extended family, gave DD a chance to tell her dad how she felt (and me as well) and we also set up some counseling for DD (we are lucky to have a wonderful therapist in town who was an elite gymnast...). We took pressure off at gym, allowing DD to choose to repeat level 7 instead of going level 8 and have been trying to focus on fun at gym, while allowing family stuff to sort out/be worked on. My ex and I do not fight but we differ on many issues....that won't change. DD is a very intense, perfectionistic kid and would be having fear issues now no matter what I think, but honoring their feelings and the need to grieve over family loss/change is important.

Good luck and hugs...give her time and support!