Parents Parenting a Gymnast

[notthatmom]

So yesterday at practice, when DD was putting her shoes on in the lobby coach told me "She [DD] still isn't paying attention...and not just while she is waiting her turn, she's not working hard" (in front of the other parents who were there, so thanks for that, coach) I told her I'd talk to DD about it. So needless to say I didn't bring up the time off at Christmas request...that will have to wait until next practice...
When we got into the car I asked her "do you want to quit gymnastics?" She said no...I said "ok good, then what do you think you need to do?"
She said "get better at gymnastics?"
I said "no, that will come with time...and you're already great at gymnastics, what do you think according to what coach said, that you need to do now?"
She said "pay attention more?"
I said "Yes, while at practice, you need to listen and focus...if you want to play with your gym friends that's absolutely ok, I will set up play dates with your friends if that's what you want to do, do you understand what I mean?"
She said she did.
I told her "I know you're good at gymnastics, I saw you do your bar routine twice today without a spot, I know you're able to do it, so working harder each time will easily make you better"
Do you think I was too harsh? I don't like coaching/parenting her too hard on her gym skills, but since I told coach I'd talk to her about it, that's exactly what I did.

Is there some other way I can talk to her about it? I want her to be able to be a kid...she's my "serious" one and I know she works hard, but what is the best way to make sure she knows the balance between working hard, having fun, and taking it seriously (but not too seriously) if that even makes sense...

 

[gymmomtotwo]

No, I don't think it was too harsh. I would find a firm way to communicate to the coach (email anyone?) that I expect that any communication in the future about my daughter's behavior or performance be absolutely private. That was not a conversation that should have been overheard by anyone.

 

[NY Dad]

Was this the first time coach commented about her focus? (he said "still" which implies this has been ongoing) Have you heard coach talk to other parents (either at this practice or past practices)? It's not ideal to have coach call her out in front of other kids/parents but I'm not sure what to do about that (it certainly can't help). Have you discussed it with your DD before (in the past)? It sounds like you already brought it up in the car and I'm guessing she heard you loud and clear.

Is there anything that might be going on (outside gymnastics) that could have caused her lack of focus? Maybe a talk with her about other stuff in her life (specifically not gymnastic).

I know this isn't the question but here's my 2 cents. I understand why you didn't bring up the Christmas request but there probably isn't going to be the perfect opportunity to bring it up so my thought is the sooner the better.

 

[munchkin3]

Sounds like a perfect response nothat.

 

[notthatmom]

Was this the first time coach commented about her focus? (he said "still" which implies this has been ongoing) Have you heard coach talk to other parents (either at this practice or past practices)? It's not ideal to have coach call her out in front of other kids/parents but I'm not sure what to do about that (it certainly can't help). Have you discussed it with your DD before (in the past)? It sounds like you already brought it up in the car and I'm guessing she heard you loud and clear.

Is there anything that might be going on (outside gymnastics) that could have caused her lack of focus? Maybe a talk with her about other stuff in her life (specifically not gymnastic).

I know this isn't the question but here's my 2 cents. I understand why you didn't bring up the Christmas request but there probably isn't going to be the perfect opportunity to bring it up so my thought is the sooner the better.

She (coach) mentioned it one time before but it was more of a "no one could stop fooling around today" type of comment. This was the first time it was DD individually.

I'm definitely going to bring up the Christmas thing tomorrow, my nerves just got to me yesterday with that comment.

 

[duyetanh]

In a word, no.
You did fine.

 

[Madden3]

This conversation sounded great to me, and not at all harsh. One thing I have learned is that such conversations need to happen periodically, because kids forget, either they really forget or they selectively forget. So, I would suggest checking in with her shortly before her next practice to make sure she is still clear on the expectations.

And you can show your daughter's coach that you respect them by telling them you and your daughter spoke and asking them how it is going.

From your Christmas time off thread, I get the impression that maybe your child's gym or coach is perhaps a little harsh? It sounds like you are concerned about telling the coach you are taking your kid out of gym for a week to go on a family vacation, when this is common practice and not a big deal at all most of the time, as far as I know.

Also, if my child's coach told me something like that in front of other parents or gymnasts, I would give him my cell number and tell him that I certainly do want to hear if there is any misbehavior at practice and would appreciate such communications be done privately. But maybe that is just me.

 

[flowerchild]

Wow! I just had a similar discussion with my daughter about her lack of focus during practice (she's no longer a gymnast, she is now figure skating). I was WAY harsher. I feel that kids occasionally need some reminders that practice is for practice and play is for play. I don't think that's a parent encroaching on coaching territory... I think that's supporting the coach by reinforcing work ethic.

There were tears after my discussion. I told DD that skating is too expensive to waste time during practice. If she just wants to have fun, that's fine, but in order to have the privilege of private coaching and competing, then she needs to put in the work. The same can be said for gym.

I don't feel it's really a matter of "still liking gymnastics". It's a matter of respecting her coach, and you, as her parent, by putting in the effort at the appropriate time.

 

[NY Dad]

I told DD that skating is too expensive to waste time during practice.

I personally wouldn't mention the money. Would you have the same feelings if it were happening in school?

 

[my4buffaloes]

One suggestion is spell it out for her. She is 7. You were talking in general terms. I would give specific examples of what working hard looks like. For instance when the coach is talking to the group the gymnast needs to be looking at the coach and not talking to her friends or watching another event or goofing around. I would try to come up with three or four examples of exactly what you and the coach are looking for as far as paying attention and focusing and working hard. I know she said she understood but my experience with little kids, and adults in general really, is they can frequently have a different idea of what is considered paying attention or working hard than the coach or another adult might have.

I know even with my 11-year-old last year I had to be very specific about what kind of behavior was expected at practice and what kind of behavior I was not OK with seeing. So it isn't just seven-year-olds.

 

[duyetanh]

I personally wouldn't mention the money. Would you have the same feelings if it were happening in school?

I respectfully disagree. Children need to learn that doing extracurricular sports at an intense high level is expensive and a privilege. This does not mean you shove it down their throat daily and cause stress in their lives, but in a situation like this, it helps them to realize a sport like gymnastics (and skating-wow is that sport costly!!) is NOT cheap, and should be respected. And imho well it should be discussed. If she doesn't want to put in the kind of effort the sport requires, it not only is financially silly, but it is also very high risk to injury at the level she is entering.
My daughter is a fairly young optional. The drive back and forth costs double the price her gym is each month. She knows that if she doesn't work, it will be discussed, because we had a friendly conversation when we transformed (so to speak) to the optional level about how important it was to focus, and not to ever concern herself about if we could afford it. We can, but we don't get to go out to dinner very often, if you catch my drift...we also had the conversation when she was a level 3 and could see the sport was her passion (and we could see the $ signs on the wall). Gratefully, my chikd busts her arse daily and is proud of busting her arse even when her arse is exhausted (lol) so for us this is not a problem.

Checking in with your child I feel is important. There are rec classes that can be transitioned into, or xcel programs that are amazing, depending on your location. The OP's child is not 4, she is 7, and can begin to understand that gymnastics is a comparatively expensive sport to others out there...it's all how it is handled.

And btw, OP, I feel the coach could have handled it better in terms of the situation, and I am sure it was embarrassing...the coach might have been having a rough day....but still. I would try and find time to talk to the coach today if possible, and somehow bring up how much you appreciated knowing the information but could he/she talk to you privately in the future. Good luck to you.

 

[NY Dad]

I respectfully disagree. Children need to learn that doing extracurricular sports at an intense high level is expensive and a privilege. This does not mean you shove it down their throat daily and cause stress in their lives, but in a situation like this, it helps them to realize a sport like gymnastics... is NOT cheap

Okay, I agree with that. (Sometimes I think out loud here ). I think it could be more of a conversation explaining not just the money but the time and effort that you, your family, your coaches and teammates put in and need to put into it. And if she's not interested in doing her part, there's no reason for everyone else to put in the time/effort/$$$.

 

[duyetanh]

Okay, I agree with that. (Sometimes I think out loud here ). I think it could be more of a conversation explaining not just the money but the time and effort that you, your family, your coaches and teammates put in and need to put into it. And if she's not interested in doing her part, there's no reason for everyone else to put in the time/effort/$$$.

That is exactly the conversation you have.

 

[MabelSt]

I think that was a good response. It's hard for the really social kids. My daughter is super social too!

 

[duyetanh]

OP the other thing I find interesting upon re-reading your post was the coach saying, "She STILL isn't paying attention..." I capitalized the word still because I am wondering if you have heard this before, or was this a new phenomenon that floored you?
I hope you figured out a way to talk about your Christmas break. For me, this is a no brainer....but everyone's situation is different.

 

[notthatmom]

An update!!!

So on Wednesday before practice, coach asked me (away from the other parents) if I talked to DD and I said I did. Coach said she knows DD has great potential, said she is one of the strongest girls on the team and when it comes to conditioning she's outstanding. Just like I told DD, coach told me she knows DD can do her skills when she focuses and doesn't fool around during practice, so hopefully my talk with her will help. She also told me that she tries to be fun and friendly with the girls, and doesn't want to seem TOO mean during practice.....I told her "well don't be too nice either "

I also talked to her about christmas and she said that since it is so very close to the start of meet season she'd like DD to train while we are gone....our gym owners are friends with the owners of a very good well known gym in Vegas so apparently I'll be able to easily set something up. DD is actually really excited about working out at another gym while we are away, so yay for that!!


Holy cowabunga it's been a crazy week

 

[Flip4funmom]

An update!!!

So on Wednesday before practice, coach asked me (away from the other parents) if I talked to DD and I said I did. Coach said she knows DD has great potential, said she is one of the strongest girls on the team and when it comes to conditioning she's outstanding. Just like I told DD, coach told me she knows DD can do her skills when she focuses and doesn't fool around during practice, so hopefully my talk with her will help. She also told me that she tries to be fun and friendly with the girls, and doesn't want to seem TOO mean during practice.....I told her "well don't be too nice either "

I also talked to her about christmas and she said that since it is so very close to the start of meet season she'd like DD to train while we are gone....our gym owners are friends with the owners of a very good well known gym in Vegas so apparently I'll be able to easily set something up. DD is actually really excited about working out at another gym while we are away, so yay for that!!


Holy cowabunga it's been a crazy week

I live in Vegas! what gym are you sending your daughter to?

 

[notthatmom]

I live in Vegas! what gym are you sending your daughter to?

Salcianu Elite, which is only about 20 mins from my parents house so I'm glad our gym recommended something close!

 

[flowerchild]

I personally wouldn't mention the money. Would you have the same feelings if it were happening in school?

I would be just as harsh ( and I am) when I see her goofing off instead of doing schoolwork. If you are doing your schoolwork/study/ etc, then you can watch tv. But don't play on the computer watching YouTube videos until midnight, then get a D on a test that I know you are perfectly capable of getting an A or B on.

And my daughter plays an instrument. We pay to rent the instrument and we pay for private lessons. She gets to play in the school orchestra. But if she's not putting in the practice time every day, then I'm not going to continue to pay for, and drive her to, lessons.

And I mentioned the money in the context of, " if you just want to skate and have a good time with your friends, that's an okay goal. But if that's your goal, then I'm not going to pay for private coaching two times a week for freestyle skate and once a week for moves in the field test prep- that's 3 privates a week, plus freestyle skating sessions for practice. If skating for fun is your goal, we should do group lessons and go to the public sessions to practice. "

I don't know why it shouldn't be okay to mention money in the context of, these things cost money. But you have to put in the effort to continue to do them.