MAG Son invited to preteam..... ?

[l.c.o]

Hi!

I have two kiddos. DD, my oldest, has been in gym for over six years. DS is three years younger and took his first tot class at the age of three after begging to try for almost a year (made him wait until he aged out of mommy & me). FWIW, after a month of anticipation, during his very first class, he essentially completely freaked out and cried through most of it.

He's going on eight now and he's done gym on and off, but mostly "on". He was invited to try a team program in Sept '13. We declined the spot due to the high number of hours (DS was six and they were doing two, three-hour classes per week) AND because DS wanted to try Tae Kwon Do.

Within 7-8 months of TKD, DS started asking about team gymnastics again. At the same time, DD's gyms' boys program was shut down. So, after debate, we let DS quit TKD (3 months before contract expired...) after 9 months and start taking boys rec classes at another gym. Gymnastics was clearly the better fit and it's quite obvious that he loves it when he's there.

Fast forward to now. After two sessions of rec, DS was invited to join preteam starting this January. He got the invite on a genuinely bad day (flu shot that morning) so he was a total crab. He loudly informed me that he did not want to switch to preteam, and that he would be "so, so mad" if I made him. We agreed to discuss on a different day.

He's still quite indecisive. The two people who have asked him conversationally if he likes gymnastics, he's replied to with "yes, but my mom's going to make me do preteam". Which I've never said. When I ask him, he says gymnastics is a lot of fun, but he's scared that preteam will be too hard for him and that he'll have no friends there. I've tried to discuss and explain that it's only a short commitment (15 weeks) and only 30 total more minutes per week (3 total hrs). But he's 7, so I'm not sure how much he understands.

DS is a fairly sensitive kid and he genuinely has some trouble putting in effort and "seeing things through" (academically, too). Part of the reason I was thrilled he wanted to do gym again is because I liked the "other" good reasons to do team gymnastics (goal setting, learning how to cope through a bad day, thrill of finally getting that skill you worked hard for, being part of a somewhat consistent group of boys). He's a pretty bright kid and generally gets away without trying all that much in anything he does. While gym is honestly probably easier for him than my DD (she has to work pretty hard for most everything in life), obviously it still requires consistent effort.

That said, maybe he isn't cut out for team? It's just so hard because he clearly has so much more fun with gym than anything else he's done... Or is this normal? My DD has always just been full steam ahead. There was never really a debated "choice", more has just always been better as far as she's concerned. And I know I can't compare them, not really. It's just tough!

I guess I'm either looking for advice or commiseration. We have to decide midweek on what to do. DH is going to try to quickly ask the coach for his input on Wednesday, but who knows! If you've made it this far, thanks!

 

[Rapunzel]

I have a 7yr old daughter with a similar story. Gymnastics on & off with her sister for a few years, then an invite to "floor & vault" which is a bit like pre-team - 2x2hrs a week. She originally said she didn't want to do more hours, but then dd1 switched clubs and she switched with her so it seemed the only option. After 2m she quit, she was crying before practice 50% of the time.
She's now asked to go back to her old club and old rec hours! She's so managed to articulate that she never ever wants to compete, she hates sports day so she knows she'd hate it.
So after that experience, I'd listen to your son, talk to his coach about if he doesn't want pre-team yet will he have other opportunities, I'm sure he would.

 

[&bs]

I probably wouldn't put him in until he is on board with it, otherwise you are going to be fighting an uphill battle all the way. When we see a kid in rec with potential as well as testing all their physical abilities we ask them if they would like to do more gymnastics, if the answer is no then we tend to leave it there. Usually if they wouldn't rather be doing gymnastics than almost anything else then they are not likely to stick with it long term.

 

[skschlag]

I agree. We have several boys in our advanced rec class that have no desire to ever compete. They are learning some cool skills but they know they are not wanting to be on team. Nothing wrong with that at all. Give him time and he may decide he wants to compete, but be ready for the fact that it may not really be his thing.

 

[Iwannabemargo]

I agree with the comments above.

Its very easay to get a skewed perspective, but the vast majority of gymnast are Rec gymnasts and are happy doing so. If he doesn't want to join the team then be honest with his coaches, tell them he is not emotionally ready yet, they will appreciate your honesty and it holds the door open for another time. He may never want to compete and that is fine. he is still in a safe environment learning new skills and keeping fit.

 

[rsm]

Sometimes kids can get suck on labels. It really depends on why he doesn't want to join pre-team. It can be hard for kids to understand exactly why they don't want to do something, much less articulate it. Maybe he thinks "pre-team" is something that it isn't. Maybe he thinks it will be too hard. Maybe he doesn't want to leave his friends and join a team where he doesn't know anyone (this was the case with my DD). If it's short commitment and not many hours, I'd try to talk him into trying it. With the caveat that once the 15 weeks is over he can decide to go back to Rec if he really wants to. I did this with DD when she was asked to join pre-team. She asked to go back for 6 weeks out of the 2 month session, then another new girl joined and she made a friend and was no longer last in height order. That was the last we heard of leaving her pre-team (4 years ago).

 

[l.c.o]

Thanks, everyone for your replies so far!

I think that, cumulatively, you've all about hit it on the head.

My mom was one of the people he told that he "thinks mom will make me do preteam". I wasn't there for the talk, but when I asked my mom about it today, she said she thinks I misunderstood her some - that DS did say it, but was smiling. She says she felt like he wants me to "make him" in case it's to hard - then it wasn't his choice. Now, again, DS is just 7 - I'm not sure that sort of thinking is truly up his alley yet, but it's still confusing.

Now I am certainly not all-knowing, but my fledgling instincts say that he does want to do team, but is scared. One of his rec coaches (the one who invited him) is the boys team director, and he gave the boys invited a talk about how team is hard work and requires a lot of effort and focus, etc.

DS immediately freaked out. He handed me the invite and immediately said that I better not force him to do it (which I've never done, when he begged to try soccer and freaked/bailed last second, DD jumped in and played instead). He also thought the class was all day Saturday (times crossed am to pm), though it's not. He still says he thinks it'll be too hard on him. I guess my point is I don't want him to NOT do it out of fear that he can't do it well... And I was wondering if that's common, or if he's likely more cut out for rec... Which is completely ok with us. We don't expect a second team gymnast, and to be honest, a year or so ago we really didn't want two gymnasts competing (his first boys season would theoretically be DDs first optional season - lots of assumptions in that sentence, though!). I do remind myself that scheduling-wise it's probably easier than other sports.

I don't want to be that parent or have him be that kid. I want him happy. Problem is, he's pretty up and down about it ("my heart says I love it and want to try, but other parts say 'don't do it'"). When I ask if he'd do more hours that wasn't "team", he says yes. He asked to do winter break clinics, and he begs to do open gym every week. That said, yes, open gym is nothing like a team class.

It's only 15 weeks and there's no obligation afterwards. It's essentially the same coaches he has now, and the class structure won't be much different... We were told that since they didn't have an active pre-team when we moved DS over, that the classes DS took were essentially set up more like preteam. Anyway- I think we'll try to talk to the boys team guy, and see what he says. Maybe he'll be encouraging to DS and make it less scary - or maybe he'll advise us to wait.

 

[l.c.o]

So this might be the gist of where my head is - when he begged to start gym and finally got to try, he freaked out. When he begged to try soccer, he freaked out and I let him bail. He was invited to do team 15 months ago, decided against it. Tried TKD, wanted to quit when he earned his green belt and bumped up a class level. Asks to try all of the intramural sports at school (just this month it was basketball), then panics and doesn't want to play.

I think some of it is self-confidence. Plus I've sort of always let him decide not to try out of fear of being a pushy mom. Yes, he's only almost 8, but he's still slowly becoming an adult who will have to try. I want him to stick out something he has a desire to do and build some self confidence. In anything... (besides Minecraft).

 

[Dr Maleficent]

I think some of that self-confidence and stick-with-it-ability comes with age - especially if your child is actually a perfectionist who is a bit afraid to try things in case he doesn't do them as well as his own expectations say he should.

We went through a whole load of different activities before my two settled on their respective activities. There were two that my ds seemed to have some aptitude for other than gym, but in the end they just weren't for him and after giving them a good go he decided he didn't want to continue those. It seems like it is a question of finding something they like enough that they can push aside those feelings of 'what if I can't do it'. If he can be encouraged to try it with the assurance that he can go back to rec if pre-team isn't his thing, then why not - as you say, he may have a completely different idea of what pre-team is than is really the case. There is the small risk that he will go off gym altogether, but on the other hand he may find out what he can do when he tries.

I think I would be inclined to go for encouragement to give it a try with the emphasis on the possibility of going back to the old class if he doesn't like it - but obviously I don't know him and can only go on my experience and what you have said above. Good luck with it, and fingers crossed he finds 'his' activity.

 

[gracyomalley]

Not sure what the best answer is - but can't imagine he has any idea what pre-team would be like unless he tries, and it sounds like a nice trial period is being offered. MANY kids do pre-team/hot shots type stuff in gym and DON'T go on to team...its not for them and they have tried it and know that. For boys, however, pre-team might work on skills that rec doesn't (rather than cool messy flips into the pit they are working mushroom, pommel, strength, etc....at least some programs are like that) which may turn him on OR off....

My older DS didn't move out of rec gym until he was almost 11 and had been the most advanced rec boy for literally years....but that's the time he decided he didn't want to quit gym but wanted to learn more than he could with rec. Also, socially/emotionally that's when he was ready....now he wishes sometimes he did it sooner, but he knows he wasn't ready then. And he loves it and at 14 is still progressing into optionals....rec worked for him for years....younger DS started team at age 6, because he generally goes where brother goes...and has only really started to love gym now that he's 10 and has his own friends, starting to feel more confident as he is learning harder skills, etc....I would not likely have put him on team at that age had the other 2 kids not already been competing! and DD who was fast tracked from the get go hit a wall with high level skills and fear and is still working on finding her path back to competing or not....

Basically, if your boy likes doing gymnastics then at some point he should try pre-team....and if the 15 weeks is seen as a trial, then sounds like a fun chance....he really needs to understand that pre-team is NOT team or competing - just a chance to do more difficult stuff...and decide if that's fun for him....now or in future. Unless he really just likes tricking gymnastics, or your area has T and T, moving out of rec is the only way to progress eventually...

 

[Rapunzel]

With dd, she wanted to go more than once a week, she used to want to stay longer at her old rec sessions, but there was something there that at the time we couldn't figure out and she couldn't articulate (not wanting to compete). There's a lot they can't communicate.
Then there's her drive to please - she struggled with the conditioning sets, the coach told her to try to hold it as long as she could but she didn't have to do it all, but dd didnt want to be the kid who couldn't do it, so she'd hold herself in say a dish position with tears streaming down her face because she wanted to be the same as everyone else. When I realised how much pressure she'd put on herself I realised it (competitive gymnastics) isn't for her, probably never but at least not for now.

 

[gwenmom]

I know it's only pre-team but I don't think I would push my child to join. It is such a huge commitment to be on team. And the only reason we do it is DD asked and DD is the one begging to go.

Maybe it's a maturity thing for your DS and you can see again next year. Boys aren't like girls and can 'start' team later and still go far.

 

[sce]

I probably wouldn't put him in until he is on board with it, otherwise you are going to be fighting an uphill battle all the way. When we see a kid in rec with potential as well as testing all their physical abilities we ask them if they would like to do more gymnastics, if the answer is no then we tend to leave it there. Usually if they wouldn't rather be doing gymnastics than almost anything else then they are not likely to stick with it long term.

I agree with this. But what is making him not want pre-team? Has he seen the class, does he know what it will be like. Can he watch a class, or attend part of one before a decision is made.

 

[Sasha]

I think it's really impossible to know if he will like pre-team (and ultimately, team) without trying it.

You note that he seems to love/enjoy gymnastics more than anything, and that the structure of the class is unlikely to be vastly different from what he is doing now (at least not at first). These sounds like good ingredients for a positive outcome.

Is there a way he can try the class for a lesser time? Such as 2 weeks? I know our gym does 2 week trials, even longer in some cases if it's still not clear if it's a fit. 15 weeks or nothing sounds like a big bite to take to me.

When my son was younger than yours (age 3-5), he had a similar tendency to "Reject" all opportunities right when it came time to actually do them. He would express great interest when there was no formal, immediate, opportunity ("Mommy can I play Tball like Johnny??"), then back out when it came time to actually sign up (so he never played Tball, then later asked me why he never played! lol). Or I would sign him up for something, but when we would arrive at the activity (like a music session), he wouldn't want to participate and would freeze and cling and get angry at me for trying to encourage him. Mostly, this was due to his need to really survey a situation and understand it before feeling comfortable enough to participate. He has a 'cautious', 'analytical' personality, though it doesn't hold him back from gymnastics. He is still somewhat this way now that he is older (7), as in it takes him a bit of time to warm up to a new situation (wants to stay on sidelines of safety and observe for a while first), but WAY less impactful than it used to be. He just kinda grew out of the extreme version of that part of his personality.

My son wants/needs to always feel in control. This also means in control of his decisions (more than a typical kid/person even). He doesn't respond well to suggestions that he do something - more like "here is information" and let him come up with the idea on his own. My daughter, on the other hand, is happy enough to take suggestions and isn't defensive about it like my son is. My son will occasionally ask me if it's OK if he quits gymnastics. He doesn't actually want to quit. He just wants, even at 7, to know that all this is his decision and he is in control of his own life. So I work hard to frame everything in a way that supports that, even if mommy does have to ultimately make some decisions for him in his little life!

I would see if he could take the trial for a shorter time, and continue to emphasize that no one will make him stay in any class he doesn't like, but no one is sure unless he tries it (including you). Obviously I wouldn't force him if he outright says no, but if he's somewhat open to it, maybe come up with examples where you weren't sure about something yourself, and you tried it and liked it / didn't like it, etc. but keep the tone of voice that expresses "I think you would enjoy it, but only you can decide that, and that's completely OK and the way it should be." Just my insights from working with my own son!

 

[l.c.o]

Hi everyone!

Thanks for your thoughts.

DS isn't clear on why he doesn't want to do it. DD's teammate just broke her arm last week, and she's discussed it with me in front of DS (should we buy her a bear+card?, etc), so DS did mention being afraid of breaking a bone...

DS is at (rec) class now, and DH is planning to talk to the coach. At this point we're still unsure. The gym will allow him to transfer to regular boys rec classes if he truly dislikes preteam... So there's that.

On Monday, DH jokingly told DS that he has to do the preteam class, no complaining, no questions asked (just to see what DS would do). DS squealed, said "no no no!" And then promptly started giggling, laughing and doing "home gymnastics" on the floor. So, clear as mud, that boy.

The classes he is taking aren't much different than preteam will be, just 15 min shorter. They warm up, do stretching/flex, practice 3 events, do some tramp, then do 10-15 min of strength.

 

[OwlGalLiz]

I'd have him do it, and if he really hates it then switch back to rec. My son's carpool buddy/teammate (age 9) frequently says he doesn't want to go to team practice- but loves it when he is there. That age is like that sometimes- ornery. Good luck. It sounds like they want to work with you, and are offering a great opportunity to do it or back away if it doesn't work out.