Need help thinking out a situation... daughter crying.

[MamaOf2Gymnasts]

I have one daughter who is competing level 4 and another who is currently on preteam. She wants to be on team... talks about wanting to compete and get the skills. But every practice for the last few months, she ends up crying about the conditioning. The times she's managed conditioning okay, something else happens like splitting the beam and wanting to come to me for comfort... coach refused to let her, and she lost it... along with trust for the coach. After that, she was "afraid" of practice because she was afraid she'd cry or need me and not be able to come to me.

Keep in mind, my daughter is very much "out there" with her emotions. She always has been. And when things are hard, she cries... from cleaning up a big mess to preteam conditioning, that's just the way she rolls.

The coaches have suggested that she "take a break"... they are afraid the other kids will tease her for crying and when they ask "Why does she get to go to her mom?" they don't know what to say. (Keep in mind as I say this, that I am not being defiant or disrespectful toward our coaches... they are young -- fresh out of high school -- and I'm sure they're doing what they feel is best... but to them, she's just another kid on preteam. To me, she's my daughter, and I'm trying to help her through a rough spot so that she can reach her goals.)

So the reason I'm posting is to see if anyone else has experienced this. I keep wondering if she should drop back to a rec class for awhile.. that maybe she isn't cut-out for it this year... and then I think if we let her quit because it's challenging, then that's not teaching her a very good life lesson. And then I think.......she's only 6. She's still a baby.

I'm all ears. Any advice/thoughts/experience you can share?

Thank you!!

 

[mariposa]

Tough situation. My daughter had a teammate that was always crying, wanting her mom, etc, at practice at her old gym. She was the same age as my daughter, 6, but I think she just wasn't ready for all that comes with team yet. She hated conditioning and always cried when she was frustrated, etc. She frequently needed her mom, too. It broke my heart to see her like that and I always felt that if she was my daughter, I would probably have her take a break, or do rec level classes for awhile. 6 is sooo young and they have plenty of time to be on team. Conditioning is hard for some kids and they don't understand yet how important it is for them. Some kids love conditioning and do fine with it because it isn't hard for them.

From the standpoint of the other kids, I know that my daughter always got frustrated because they would have to start over things, etc, because of her teammate. It wasn't the little girls fault, because the coaches didn't have to do things that way, but sometimes kids blame the kid and it gets more stress on the kid that is already stressed.

I want my kid to have fun in the gym, not be crying all the time. If she is crying, then maybe it just isn't time for her to be doing gym so hardcore yet. She might just need a little more time to mature and get a handle on her emotions. My gymmie is VERY emotional, cries over everything at home, but for some reason, at the gym she is a different kid and works through frustration so much better. If she cried at the gym, I would take her out and either find her something that she was happy with or give her some time to mature and then try again. She could do rec classes for awhile maybe?

Having emotional kiddos can be hard. My emotional one is just like me, so I "get" her and know that she is just really sensitive.

We changed gyms, so not sure if the past year has changed her little sensitive friend, but we saw her competing this year (last year she just wasn't ready emotionally, cried during mock meets at the gym, etc) and she did really well. I am thinking she finally adjusted, but not sure.

Good luck and hope others have some better advice.

I also don't think that you are showing her to give up if you let her do rec classes for awhile longer. Sounds to me like she just isn't ready for such a huge commitment and the hard work that preteam involves yet. That isn't a bad thing. She is only 6 years old. If I could change things, I would have waited awhile before starting my daughter in gymnastics. I am holding off my little one for as long as I can and hoping she tries other stuff, LOL.

What does she say about possibly doing rec for awhile?

 

[NotAMom]

And then I think.......she's only 6. She's still a baby.

You said that yourself!!! At 6, it's not your child's job to deal with her own feelings. Every child is different but at this age they all baby in their own ways. The upside is that your daughter is at a transition age where soon enough she'll realize she can't be a baby any more. Things will get better. Just give it some time before making a big deal out of this.

As for whether sticking to the pre-team in the meantime, probably a short break from the pre-team is best. But, if you'd like to keep her in it, I'd say it's up to the coaches really. Some coaches are very patient (regardless of age) and they tend to know how to deal with emotional younger children more.

Good luck!

 

[gymdog]

The other kids shouldn't tease her for crying because that should really just not fly. The way "why is she going to her mom" should be handled is "because she needs to see her mom for something. Go finish/do xyz." The best way to handle these things with little kids is matter of factly. Who cares why or if she needs to see you? They don't have anything to tell the kids because there should be nothing to tell. What if it was for a sensitive (but necessary) handling of a medical or physical issue? It doesn't matter how old they are. I'm 20 and I coach team, preteam, and rec, all ages. They can learn. If there's a sensitive, discreet way to recommend to them how to handle a younger child, tell them. If not approach the owner with what you've noticed and ask them for advice about whether they think your daughter is in the right spot. Likely they'll end up addressing it with the coaches and providing suggestions/training of how to handle.

Also one of my 8 year olds fell off beam the other day and I let her go sit with her mom for awhile...this was level 5. Of course if a kid gets hurt then they see their mother or another primary caretaker they are going to want to go to mom/dad/grandma/babysitter. I've seen high school age optional gymnasts do this from time to time! We shouldn't encourage running off for everything but at the same time we need to be sensitive to what's developmentally appropriate at these ages. A lot of coaches set down rules because gymnastics people tend to be very rule oriented and there's sort of this fear like if I let this go everything is going downhill. But sometimes this goes too far into taking stands on things that don't really matter in the long run.

I'd see what the coaches in the likely rec class look like. If they seem better with small children, then I'd look more strongly at that. Otherwise if she isn't complaining about going and seems to want to go, I'd just talk more about trying your best, not crying because things are hard, etc.

 

[MamaOf2Gymnasts]

Thank you so much for writing... and for validating what I was feeling/thinking. You guys are right -- she is very young, there's plenty of time for her to be on the team, and maybe now isn't "her" time. One year can make an enormous different in a child.

I want her to have a positive sports experience... to look forward to practice... to want more of the sport... and to have confidence and a sense of accomplishment. Right now I feel that all of those things are squashed. She used to be upset because it wasn't her practice night yet. Now she gets upset because it IS.

We had talked last night about giving her the choice, but at this point. But she is a worrier and thinker, and I don't want the decision to be too heavy for her. I think we need to just make it and move forward from here...and hope that some of her joy returns.

Thank you again for your replies.

Shawn

 

[gymnut1]

I can't help with your decision about moving classes but I have a 7 year old girl in my school class who cries at the drop of a hat. Some one looks at her the wrong way, touches her arm, cant start her work - cries.

She says it just comes up inside her and she cant stop it. She has always been like this. She is quite a clever girl, sweet and popular too and has no need to cry. We have found ways to deal with it in class. She is also enthusiastic and bubbly - another side to her emotional nature.

Im just trying to say maybe she needs small goals and rewards to get through the crying time. Stickers etc. Ask the coach if they have some ideas. Ask if they can get the other kids onside to encourage her to compete the conditioning. Lots of praise when she does. I think some children can't help crying when faced with difficulty - even if they are really more than equipped to deal with it- only you know if your dd loves gym deep down inside.

Good luck -my heart goes out to you both.

 

[MamaOf2Gymnasts]

"She says it just comes up inside her and she cant stop it. She has always been like this. She is quite a clever girl, sweet and popular too and has no need to cry. We have found ways to deal with it in class. She is also enthusiastic and bubbly - another side to her emotional nature."

You are describing my daughter exactly.

Last night her first meltdown was because they preteam was going to do some conditioning with team... instead of being a cool, exciting experience for her, it scared her and she kept saying she was afraid of it. That's happened before... someone will say that practice is going to be hard and she cries and says she's afraid. Same goes when her room is really messy... it's a big monster that's going to be hard and she doesn't want to face it.

I've encouraged her to try to do the mind over matter thing when something is hard... like when they're doing arm holds and it hurts, she can close her eyes and pretend she's a pixie who is flying and flying with tired wings, looking for somewhere to land. She was so caught up in her imagination last night during hollow holds that she didn't even realize they were done. lol

Another thing we tried, after discussing the problem with the gym owner, was giving her a special place to go if she feels like she's going to melt down. She picked a little area off the side where they stack carpet squares. This worked a couple of times last week, but last night the coaches didn't cooperate with the plan. They were lined up along the wall doing wall-sits, and she's crying and crying... she wasn't allowed to go to her carpet squares (keep in mind, the gym owner told the coaches to allow it). If they had just followed the plan, she would have retreated for a few minutes and then finished the practice (it was only 10 minutes til the end). I left very frustrated last night, and that's what lead me to post about it on here. I am so grateful for the replies and advice.

Last night we were talking about moving her down to the rec class level right below preteam. The coach is one of the preteam coaches. We couldn't decide whether to decide this for her, or give her the option. She will be giving up time with her good friends on preteam... the exhibitions they will be doing this winter (she looks forward to these)... being in the preteam photo. She will be sad about those things. But I want her to have a positive sports experience. I miss seeing her joy for it.

You guys were right, that the questions about why she's coming to me, why she's this and that should be addressed with a matter-of-fact answer and direction to focus on themselves and what they should be doing. I don't know what they actually say, but I do think that her crying makes them uncomfortable... they don't know what to do with it other than move on with practice.

The time she fell off the beam and wanted me, the coach sat her on the edge of the trampoline and kept talking to her and telling her she had to get back on the beam and she wasn't allowed to go to me. I know parents should stay out of the practice area, but when her crying was escalating and I could hear her squealing, "I want my mommy!" that was enough. I walked up and scooped her up. I did tell her I wanted her to get back on the beam before we left that night. So after practice I asked the gym owner if I could take her up... she got back on and did the thing that she was doing when she fell, and she left proud and not afraid. The coaches saw her get back up, but I think their pride was damaged because the situation ended the way it did, and they didn't even come over to acknowledge and encourage her effort.

At this point I am finding myself unsure once again... so maybe we should give her the choice and see how it goes for another month. I've already talked to the coaches once... asked them not to give up on her. Explained some things that are going on in her life (her favorite aunt died this summer, her dad is traveling with his work a LOT) and I didn't think she had much left to battle the emotion she's feeling out there. We had the carpet square plan. But last night was a mess, and I was upset with them for not following our (mine, gym owner, coach) agreed plan. I feel that something further should be said to them, but I don't know what.

I'm all ears!!

 

[Deleted member D3987]

geesh...here i go again.

6? i'm a father and a coach. look...they are just figuring out how to wipe themselves properly, how to brush their teeth properly, and learn to eat their vegetables. and fighting with you about going to bed at a certain time.

come on now...learn life skills? some of you guys take this gymnastics stuff way to far. take her the heck out of gym and give her some time to emotionally mature.

 

[MdGymMom01]

geesh...here i go again.

6? i'm a father and a coach. look...they are just figuring out how to wipe themselves properly, how to brush their teeth properly, and learn to eat their vegetables. and fighting with you about going to bed at a certain time.

come on now...learn life skills? some of you guys take this gymnastics stuff way to far. take her the heck out of gym and give her some time to emotionally mature.

Dunno has a point. I don't know if I would take her out of the gym totally but I do agree that she is still only 6 and kids mature at different rates. I think she is being overwhelmed by the whole "gym team experience". I think gymnastics is a great sport to teach young kids goal setting and it really helps boost their self-esteem. But, at the same time, it can stress them out and do more harm than good if parents and or coaches are too demanding, pushy and overbearing.

It sounds like your dd just needs to take it extra slow to gain self confidence. Like dunno said, kids this young are just learning how to be independent with basic skills such as taking care of themselves. Maybe taking her off pre-team for a while would be good and let her go back to a rec class once a week. Also, teach her how to break down big tasks into smaller more managable tasks. Heck--I still have to remind my dd about this appraoch and she is almost 11 years old!

Here is my take on the Serenity Prayer that I have renamed "the Gymnastics Serenity Prayer":

God grant me the serenity
to accept my dd's gymnastics for what it is;
the courage to deal with the crazy gym parents;
and the wisdom to know that it is JUST gymnastics.

***and I mean "crazy" in a fun and loving way! We all get a little crazy sometimes!!!

 

[gymch34]

I agree, she does not seem ready for the structure & focus of the preteam yet. Put her in a class & give her some time. I find that if kids are ready, and are just crying at the beginning, it all settles out as they learn what is expected "isnt so bad"! Its the end of Nov, it all should have settled down by now.

I think if the coaches has more experience, they would have come to you & recommended this. The longer we coach, the more we have as experience to guide us. I have seen lots of "cryers" mature, and it never happens under duress, only when they are ready!

Let her enjoy the sport again, if she ever wants pre team again, she'll let you know. There are some kds that even though they have the physical talent, do not want to train on a team. They just dont enjoy it!

 

[bogwoppit]

I took my now 10 year old out of gym for six months when she was 5. Her older sister had always done gym, she had done it since she was 3 and had loved it. But at 5 she went into a more serious group training towards development comps and she just would refuse to do some cstuff nad would cry or just ignore the coaches. I didn't discuss it with her, it wasn't her choice to make and I wasn't giving her any options (after all she was a little kid and I make the choices).

She took six months off, did some swimming, some football (hated that) and then she began to beg to go back to gym, after about 6 months I let her go back and since then all has been well. But she is a very tough cookie, she is stubborn and gets frustrated easily. Her coach is great with her and has learned how to deal with her over the years.

It may be that gym will not be your gymmies thing, once it starts becoming more work than play the numbers really thin out. Not every kid is cut out for gym.

 

[coachmolly]

Not just as a gymnast, but as a person, I was very slow to develop emotionally. I was the baby in my family and that combined with anxiety problems and my personality, it just took me a little longer than other kids. Even now at 21 I am very sensitive, cry easily, and call my mom at least twice a day. It's just who I am and no amount of yelling or punishment as a younger child would have changed that. As a coach, I really try to work especially hard with the girls who are sensitive and seem to have problems adapting. The shouldn't need to be punished for just being who they are. And if a girl is scared, having a bad day, hurt, whatever and isn't calmed down after a few minutes, I often look over to their parent if they are there with a pleading look to come and help their child! Sometimes a kid just needs her mom and I'm okay with that. Especially if they're young!
That being said, she is only 6 and that is VERY young. I wasn't involved in anything seriously at that age. Pre-team is a big commitment and asks a lot of such a little person, there is no rush, take your time and let her move at her own pace. If the coaches aren't working well with her, look for another class. We just had the mom of an 11 year old on the boys team come in and ask for her son to be coached by the other boys team coach because he just wasn't clicking with the other one, it happens. Not every child clicks with every coach. Put her back in the rec. class and let her have fun with gymnastics. When she's ready, I'm sure she'll let you know or it will be very obvious.
As a 10 year old I was moved onto the level 5 team and struggled through the practices all summer. The coaches were brutal and I just couldn't keep up. It hurt to have to move back to level 4, I didn't want to admit I wasn't good enough, but it all worked out. Each child is so different and the path they take in their gymnastics is going to show that. She has plenty of time for pre-team and team, let her figure stuff out on her own.
Good luck with all of this!

 

[cathiann]

Totally agree with Bog--take her out. She clearly needs a break and is obviously not having fun. I wouldn't ask her about it--she's just 6. But some time off might help her mature a little and make gymnastics more fun for her.

 

[socko]

I agree with Dunno..take her out. She's 6 years old so the decision isn't hers to make , it's yours as her parent. You need to take the pressure off her by saying that you've seen that she's been unhappy and it's time to take a break from the gym. My daughter did the same thing with piano lessons...played like a charm but all of a sudden started having "stomachaches" whenever piano lessons or practicing was mentioned. After we stopped piano (my decision) there were no more stomachaches and I had a happier child.

 

[taximom]

I agree that a break is in order. Once she's had a bit of time away perhaps she will want to try something else or perhaps a rec class.
She's only 6 and is showing signs of stress already. Good luck Mom I know it's not easy to make the unpopular decision!

 

[gymcoach26]

Moving her back into a rec class, where she can have fun and still learn where she is comfortable seems like the best idea. Just because USAG minimum age requirement is 6 years old at level 4, there is no problem with starting later. I think too many gyms push to get kids on team by that age, and some are just not ready. Don't get me wrong, there are some kids who do just fine, but we try not to put kids on team until they are 7 at our gym. One year can make a huge difference. I would see how your daughter handles a rec class first before taking her out of the gym all together. If she is still having difficulty at the rec level, then maybe then it will be time to look for something else.

 

[MdGymMom01]

I just wanted to add that sometimes it takes a while for kids to find their sport and their "fit". My son who will be 8 in February has tried a variety of sports and activities including soccer, track and field, gymnastics and even drum lessons. He was often bored easily and wanted to quit after 2 or 3 weeks. It wasn't till this Fall that I found something that he really enjoys and gets into--Flag Football. He had a really fun season and learned a lot about the game. He is looking forward to another season in the spring.

Give your dd time to find what is right for her.

 

[bogwoppit]

I just wanted to add that sometimes it takes a while for kids to find their sport and their "fit". My son who will be 8 in February has tried a variety of sports and activities including soccer, track and field, gymnastics and even drum lessons. He was often bored easily and wanted to quit after 2 or 3 weeks. It wasn't till this Fall that I found something that he really enjoys and gets into--Flag Football. He had a really fun season and learned a lot about the game. He is looking forward to another season in the spring.

Give your dd time to find what is right for her.

....and you know what some kids never find their sport! My son, who is now 17, tried so many different activites and he never found a sport that he loved. However he did love book club when he was 7 and loved a virtual techonlogy camp run by Ottawa university. Some kids just have their own groove, which is why it is good to have them try a few things before trying to wedge them in to soemthing that doesn't seem like a perfect fit.

My son will ski, snowboard, skate and ride his bike, but he just did not enjoy "organised sports".

 

[CoachTodd]

The only thing I have to add, which may not be of any help at all to you, is that if we have kids out in the gym, they aren't allowed to go see mom unless they are in a rec class. I have one girl on team that is much older than 6 and still very emotional at times and she is still learning how to address it but we try our best not to let it interfere with anyone's practice.

 

[MamaOf2Gymnasts]

Thank you everyone for your replies... this has really helped me think this through. A few weeks ago I was saying, "Maybe she's not ready for this yet... and she never HAS to do it, ever." But we tried to come up with ways to help her through practice -- just weren't on the same page as the coaches, unfortunately. So she's going to give a rec class a test run tonight and then we'll make the decision for sure. But I do think for now we'll let her drop back to rec and find the joy again. She loves -- absolutely loves -- the sport. Just wasn't ready for the conditioning.