Parents WWYD- Weird dilemma with carpool

[gymmomtotwo]

DD and another little girl on her team go to school together, and so we do some carpooling. The family we carpool with is a very kind family. Kids are very sweet, parents are very friendly. I pick the girls up from school around 3:50 and drive them to practice directly from school. Practice ends at 8:30. Practice lasts for more than 4 hours. The issue is that the little girl often comes with little or nothing to eat. I pack a full thermos for DD with chocolate milk which she eats in the car and plenty of snacks for snack break. The Mom has had past issues with her weight, which she sometimes talks about. I can tell it is a tough subject for her, and she has feelings about her current weight. She is a very pretty lady with no visible weight issues. DD is an adorable little ball of fire with a sparkplug body. Very strong, very sturdy, short. No fat, all muscle. Mom has expressed worry about her daughter's weight. The kid is hungry when she gets in my car. A few times I have given her a protein bar or some other such snack. I feel bad that she sits there watching my kid eat. My kids inherited my husband's leanness, and DD requires alot of food to get through practice. Do I feed this kid? Stay out of it? Offer to bring her something the days she rides with me? She apparently can get a snack from our snack bar at break, but none of it is food that would fuel a child through a four hour practice. Any suggestions?

 

[sce]

Talk to the Mom. Explain that your dd eats a snack on the way to gym to give her fuel for practice. Let her know that her dd seems hungry too.

 

[Noideaaboutgym]

Is there a way of getting the gym to suggest the child may need to bring snacks/food? That way it isn't coming from you and doesn't become an issue between you. If the parent has has eating issues she may react differently to the way most would expect.

 

[QueenBee]

I would probably ask the mom if she minds her daughter having a healthy snack in your car on the carpool ride over. Just say, "My daughter is starving after school and I always have healthy stuff (give some examples) to help fuel her through the evening's practice, is it ok if I offer snacks to Susie as well?"

Unless, of course, you would mind feeding Susie too. But it may well be that other mom just has hard time planning snacks for after school or forgets.

 

[my4buffaloes]

I ask the mom to please pack her dd an afterschool snack. If she continues to not then I would just pack her something myself.

Edited to add that for years I kept a snack bucket in my car for the carpool. They all knew they could grab whatever they wanted any time.

 

[needcoffee]

If you don't mind feeding her I would just pack extra and not mention it. If it does irritate you (we personally are on a strict budget and feeding other kids every day annoys me) then I would just shoot her a quick text saying "hey, can you please make sure you pack xxx some snacks for the car ride/gym, she's always hungry when she gets in the car and DD feels mean eating in front of her".

 

[notthatmom]

I definitely would say something to the mom. Let mom know daughter seems hungry when you pick her up. I wouldn't offer to provide snack because you might have to start providing it all the time, and even though it's a nice gesture; it's not your responsibility to feed other people's kids all the time.

I also like the idea of having the coach say something, then you can tell the mom "hey did you see that note from coach? I'll be sure to make sure Susie eats the snack you pack for her on the way to practice, glad to help!"

 

[suebee]

I would not feed another kid if I knew that their parent specifically did not pack them food because they did not want them to eat. It sounds like that is what you are saying - that the mom does not think her kid needs to eat and snack, related to her own weight issues. Are you sure about this, or are you speculating? If you're not sure, I would offer to feed her dd and see if mom accepts, assuming, as other people have noted, that you wouldn't mind feeding her dd.

I would have no problem feeding a kid whose parent didn't pack them a snack due to lack of time, money, forgot, whatever - but there is no way I would feed a kid whose parent specifically doesn't want them to be fed.

You said you carpool. Does this mom drive your dd too? I am curious whether your dd eats in her car on the way home and whether the mom says anything to her about it.

I would find it hard myself to talk to another parent about something that you feel they are doing wrong (not giving their kid enough to eat). I think that it might come better from the coach as a reminder to pack snacks for a 4 hour practice.

 

[emorymom]

Yes, it would be better if the coach called her mom at snack time and said, "Suzie didn't eat a meal before practice and she doesn't have a snack. As a safety issue it's time for her to go home. They can get hurt if their blood sugar drops."

 

[needcoffee]

I would not feed another kid if I knew that their parent specifically did not pack them food because they did not want them to eat. It sounds like that is what you are saying - that the mom does not think her kid needs to eat and snack, related to her own weight issues. Are you sure about this, or are you speculating? If you're not sure, I would offer to feed her dd and see if mom accepts, assuming, as other people have noted, that you wouldn't mind feeding her dd.

I would have no problem feeding a kid whose parent didn't pack them a snack due to lack of time, money, forgot, whatever - but there is no way I would feed a kid whose parent specifically doesn't want them to be fed.

You said you carpool. Does this mom drive your dd too? I am curious whether your dd eats in her car on the way home and whether the mom says anything to her about it.

I would find it hard myself to talk to another parent about something that you feel they are doing wrong (not giving their kid enough to eat). I think that it might come better from the coach as a reminder to pack snacks for a 4 hour practice.

I actually disagree with this. If I knew for 100% certainty (not just speculating) that little Suzie didn't have food because mom has food/weight issues and didn't want her kid to eat, I would absolutely make sure I had snacks for her in my car. A piece of fruit, or something healthy sure, not sugary junk, but I couldn't sit back and watch a kid go to a high intensity activity for 4 hours on an empty belly because mom has issues. I would deal with the fallout of feeding the kid if it came to that, but I couldn't in good conscience not feed the kid and take them to gym.

 

[suebee]

I actually disagree with this. If I knew for 100% certainty (not just speculating) that little Suzie didn't have food because mom has food/weight issues and didn't want her kid to eat, I would absolutely make sure I had snacks for her in my car. A piece of fruit, or something healthy sure, not sugary junk, but I couldn't sit back and watch a kid go to a high intensity activity for 4 hours on an empty belly because mom has issues. I would deal with the fallout of feeding the kid if it came to that, but I couldn't in good conscience not feed the kid and take them to gym.

I don't feel it is my place to overrule another parent's parenting decision about their own child that is not blatantly abuse or dangerous. And I would be quite upset if another parent did that to my child. I have my kids in booster seats longer than most people. My kids are quite small compared to their friends, and most of their friends are out of booster seats long before my kids. When my kids ride with another parent, I send them with their booster seat. I would not be happy if the parent driver told my kid that s/he didn't need one and told them not to ride in it.

I certainly don't agree with the mom and not giving her child enough food because of her own food issues. But I would not feed her child if she does not want her child to be fed. What if another parent decided you were too strict with your kid's diet and healthy food and fed your kid junk food every day in car pool, over your objection?

 

[vbdb]

That's pure speculation that you think her mom doesn't feed her because of her own suspected food issues. I'd simply let the other mom know that she should send a snack for her kid in the car. We carpool straight from school a few times a week and I'm responsible for feeding my own kid, the other mom sends snacks. There's no way it's a good idea to let a child train all night without fueling up again afterschool. My kids would eat their own arms when they're done a day at school.

 

[needcoffee]

I don't feel it is my place to overrule another parent's parenting decision about their own child that is not blatantly abuse or dangerous. And I would be quite upset if another parent did that to my child. I have my kids in booster seats longer than most people. My kids are quite small compared to their friends, and most of their friends are out of booster seats long before my kids. When my kids ride with another parent, I send them with their booster seat. I would not be happy if the parent driver told my kid that s/he didn't need one and told them not to ride in it.

I certainly don't agree with the mom and not giving her child enough food because of her own food issues. But I would not feed her child if she does not want her child to be fed. What if another parent decided you were too strict with your kid's diet and healthy food and fed your kid junk food every day in car pool, over your objection?

If a child is in my care, and I feel they are not having basic needs met (and yes, I feel eating before 4 hours of training is a basic need) then I absolutely will override a parents wishes. Your examples of booster seats and junk food are not really relevant, and in those situations I would just put a stop to the car pooling. This mom has every right to do that if she doesn't want her child fed, and I would understand. But like I said, I couldn't in good conscience send a child to training on an empty stomach. If there was a fallout from feeding the kid a healthy snack, then I would get the coach to tell mom the kid needs to be fed before training.

 

[Gymmommy71]

Hmm. That's a touchy subject. I may just text the mom the next time you get the kid and she says she's hungry "hey, Suzie is saying she's hungry, ok if I give her some of Sally's chocolate milk and <whatever the snack is>?". Then see what she says - if she says no for whatever reason then I'd respect that, but if she says sure that will get the point across that she's hungry and hopefully she'll step up and either offer you money or start sending food (or you could find other ways to lead her to do this going forward ). And at least you'd find out what the deal is w/o being too intrusive.

I think communicating w/ her at the moment it's happening will come across aa a lot less accusatory.

I would not assume she's trying to restrict the kids food for weight control reasons. Not all kids like to eat a lot before practice - or some could get nauseous if they exercise on a full stomach and even if they may want food it could end up worse if they get sick.

 

[Taurus]

If you know her well enough to trust her to drive your own kid around, you should have a real (not text) conversation with her - and just tell her the truth/ the kid is hungry after school & should prob have a snack before workout- that's the best you can do/ if she's not into it, I would tell my own kid to share & just bring enough - and maybe later rethink the carpool so it's not so awkward

 

[duyetanh]

In my opinion, you are in a bad spot. Ugh. Just an idea...have you asked the child why she doesn't have anything? This might tell you what you need to know...

 

[Deleted member 18037]

2 women I know have eating disorders, one rather severe. Neither women ever limits food for their kids.

That's a problem. As in mentally abusive.

Perhaps a conversation with the husband is in order.

And it could put your daughters relationship at risk with the other girl.

You didn't mention the Mom has flat out said no food or drink for the child. So I would give her one.

 

[GlobalNomad]

I would ask the mom and make sure the kid doesn't have any food allergies. If she doesn't, and it's not a big financial strain for you, then I'd pack extra snacks.

 

[duyetanh]

2 women I know have eating disorders, one rather severe. Neither women ever limits food for their kids.

That's a problem. As in mentally abusive.

Perhaps a conversation with the husband is in order.

And it could put your daughters relationship at risk with the other girl.

You didn't mention the Mom has flat out said no food or drink for the child. So I would give her one.

I think this is why I would ask the child. You can find out a lot that way.

 

[esor]

I agree with everyone who said feed the child and deal with that fallout later, if it is no financial strain on you to do so. It is an act of kindness and the nutrition is definitely needed in this sport. Just don't make a big deal of it and it will probably won't become a major issue.