WAG Beginning of the end or just a phase?

[Bajanswife]

My DD is almost 11 and a new level 6 (USAG). She has recently been saying that she doesn't want to go higher than level 6, she likes it there, she has no desire to shoot higher. She even told her coach that the other day and her coach was not happy because she feels it will affect DD's efforts. In fact, the coach said she may as well quit now if she has that attitude.

There are some things going on that may be contributing. She's always been the strongest in her group in bars. It has been her best event, and she is used to getting the skills quickly and getting praised a lot for it and being used as an example of how to do something. But she's recently gotten some fears and mental blocks on certain bars skills, and now she's no longer the best - in fact, she's lagging behind her group (in her opinion anyway - I haven't asked the coach). I personally think she's a bit discouraged and is protecting herself from the fear that she might not be able to progress further by deciding she doesn't want it anyway (sour grapes). She isn't encouraged by the fact that she's getting a lot better at beam, which used to be her worst event. Her coach has been telling her how great her beam is becoming, but it's not helping. She also isn't persuaded by being reminded of the previous fears on other events she's already overcome. The coach and I both know she will get past these bars issues - she just doesn't seem that convinced.

She is also dying to start horseback riding, but she just can't do it while she's on the gym team. She has been trying to work out in her mind when is a good time to quit gym and take up riding. She is very short (about the height of an average 7 or 8 year old), particularly her legs, and I think she'll be more successful at riding all sizes of horses when her legs grow a little more. She can already ride - she picked it up easily at riding camps, and can canter already. When she starts riding for real she will catch up to her friends quite quickly I think. Also, riding can be done until you are old, so she doesn't need to rush her start - gymnastics is a young person's sport and cannot just be done whenever. To me, it would just be a shame to quit at this point to take up an activity that you're not even sure you'll stick with for long! She could take a gym break and try it for a while, but then if she decides to start back gym again she'll be in a whole different training group more than likely, because she'll have to start back a level. She's never done new level 5, so she'd have to learn those routines in order to drop back. If she quits when she gets closer to or in level 7, and decides to go back within a year, she could probably come back in 6 and keep her old routines (though be a bit behind at first). The way the gym is structured, she would still train with her old group and be an "optional". She loves having her own routines, and I can't see her wanting to go back to compulsories.

I realize this is ultimately her decision. I just don't want her making it based on unreasonable fears and doubts. I don't want her throwing away a sport she is really good at on a whim. How can I help her work out what is really going on that is making her so fearful, unambitious and nearly ready to quit? She hasn't been plagued by bad injuries - just the usual occasional things that don't need treatment beyond a little ice or a stabilizing strap. Horseback riding, especially the show jumping that her friends do, is no safer or less prone to injury!

She hasn't competed level 6 yet. This Friday they are having an in-house competition so that DD's coach, who is also the head coach, can see where everyone is at (since she doesn't coach all of the groups). I guess we will see how the coaches score her on each event compared to her teammates and if that influences her feelings one way or the other.

 

[Iwannabemargo]

Oh dear, its a worry when they worry. I have no real advice for you, except for the horse riding you are right - our olympic medaling team includes Micheal Whittaker who is nearly 54 ! So plenty of time for that.

 

[LizzieLac]

Have you asked her is she wants to quit now? Maybe is talking about it as "something later" because she doesn't want to disappoint you. Does she still talk about it as something she enjoys? Perhaps you should have a conversation that is only about gym, no horseback riding as an option, and see what she says.

Good luck!!

 

[Bajanswife]

I don't think she wants to quit yet - we have talked about it. She likes where she's at right now, except for the bars frustration. I do think she's a bit tired of the amount of training though. Part of this future quitting talk might also relate to the fact that her coach wants them to train 5 days a week but she had to cut it down to 4 days because most of her group has a big national exam in May and we just cannot commit to that much time in the gym. DD does not want to train 5 days a week, and she knows that when this exam is over the coach will start pushing for 5 days of training, and this will also likely coincide with moving up. She knows she can't really be successful at level 7 and up without that extra day.

DD also does not want to train on Fridays, but it's the one day that the whole team is there (no rec classes), extra dance training happens, and they can train until later in the evening because there's no school the next day. It's also the day that we go to our beach club for happy hour after work/school with my group of friends and their kids, and it has grown into a really nice time. The other kids are ages 10 - 14 and they are all close and have lots of fun in the sea, on the kayaks, playing ball on the lawn etc. DD misses all the daytime fun in the sea because she doesn't get there until after dark when gym is over. She loves nothing more than to skip gym on Fridays from time to time and join in the fun. She is really starting to see what she misses being at the gym so much. I guess that's a normal part of growing up as a competitive athlete.

 

[gymgal]

I think she is being very mature about how she is thinking about her future. She is weighing all sides and she knows what she does/doesn't want to do. Gymnastics gets tough at the upper levels and only part of it is because of the skills. The other part is the toll on social and family life. Not all girls want to stay on that path,regardless of how talented they might be. And while it may be hard for adults to watch a child "waste that talent", ultimately it is the child's life.

Having said all that, she is 11 and her viewpoint may change repeatedly in the next 6 months... And that's ok too.

My dd used to repeatedly say that she wasn't sure how far she wanted to go, but in her case I knew it was because she was afraid she wouldn't make it to the upper levels so she was protecting her ego. Once we started encouraging her that she was "good enough" to make it, she started changing her viewpoint.

Guess my point is you have to figure out where she's coming from and provide an ear to listen and some guidance but ultimately, she will make the choice that's right for her.

 

[MaryA]

I have heard kids say things like, "I want to stop at level 6 because I don't want to do giants" and similar. Some do quit. For some it's just that those skills seem too hard, but once they get there they find that the skills are not as hard or as scary as they thought. And it is hard to feel like you're always missing out on something fun. I am sitting here feeling sad that I'm not going to get to go out for happy hour on the beach with you on Friday night, and I don't even know you! Does your gym offer an Xcel program that would allow her to continue with reduced days/hours?

 

[gymnastflip]

I remember when we had to condition with the optionals, and me and my friend would say we would never do level X because we could never even think of doing BHS on beam or giants(we were 8)- exactly what MaryA said. She ended up quitting a year later, and I'm still training. I guess it depends on how the next few months go for her. Is there a way to switch her to a group that trains 3 days a week, and let her go to the beach or do horse riding at least part time. If she enjoys it then she might want to quit, but maybe she will decide that she wants to stick with gymnastics.

 

[lhmom]

A friend of mine has a daughter who is planning to compete level 10 next month. She told me that after each meet season from level 6 on, her daughter would say, "I don't think I'll compete the next level up" usually because of a skill that she thought she wouldn't be able to do. This mom would just listen, say "let's see how it goes" and her daughter would end up continuing. I would just give her the time to work through it in her head. Maybe she's just feeling a bit overwhelmed too with the studying, gym, etc. Sounds like you are doing the right things right now. It's tough because we see what other things they are giving up to compete.

 

[AlexsGymmyMom]

I really think they all go through this or something similar at least once in their gymnastics career. IPlus, Friday on the beach sounds waaaayyyyy better than smelling feet and sweating in a gym! I too am a little jealous that I can't hang out with you at the beach!

 

[LizzieLac]

Oh I totally get the "everyone else gets to do this or go here, but I have pratice" challenge. My DD occasionally complains about it to. All we can do is encourage them to do things they enjoy and see friends when they do have the time. Plus, I really believe that a missed practice here and there for those activities is not the end of the world.

Sounds like she is processing her future opportunities and as the others have said, that's a good thing!

 

[thefellowsmom]

Ditto on hanging out at the beach, LOL. How I could use some sun, warmth and a fruity drink right now

My mantra has become "how about we go to practice today and leave tomorrow to tomorrow". I need it as much, if not more, than she does some days.

This is the stage where skills get hard and take longer to learn, gym becomes all consuming and life starts getting in the way. The progression, growth, pressure both gymnastically and personally can be really overwhelming. You are doing a great job helping her to process this.

My only advice would be to keep doing what your doing. One day at a time. Encourage her to keep talking and thinking about what she wants, but I would encourage her to stick it out until the end of the season too. If I remember correctly she isn't going to compete until spring, right? That's a lot of time to work through her issues on bars and she may feel very differently in a few months. Or she may feel like she has had enough and is ready to move on but at least she knows she followed it to its natural end.

It's just my humble opinion but I would have a hard time letting my daughter quit something she has loved and worked so hard at for most of her life in a state of frustration and fear.

I rode horses competitively growing up. It is equally if not even more all consuming and definitely just as dangerous. It is also equally rewarding and amazing, a relationship with another being you will never otherwise experience or understand. There is no time limit on that, it will be there in six months unchanged. And I bet you are right that she will catch up quickly if she ends up choosing that. We have had several gymnasts chooses horses and have been very successful. It is all about strength, both physical and mental, taking corrections and being humble and respectful in the face of great power and danger. My guess is she has all of that in spades.

Either way, you will both be fine. Keep us posted.

 

[Krystan]

My dd has also said, at several points, that she wanted to remain in such-and-such level forever. She hates the thought of competing anything she doesn't have down perfect, and certain skills in the next level (ex.giants!) scare her. Basically, it's slow going but still going. She is saying this currently about the level she used to think was advanced and scary. So as long as she's not being asked to compete outside her comfort zone, I'd let her call the shots on that one. It's too bad the coach's attitude is "well then you might as well quit." I can understand the frustration (trust me), but I don't think that's helpful. My dd's coach's attitude is, "Okay, you can compete level 5 as long as you want to while you train with your normal group," knowing full well she'll eventually feel ready. She's still progressing at the same speed as the other girls for the most part, but in her comfort zone for meets. And she *has* moved up to levels she has said she wouldn't, just when she's ready on her own terms. Sometimes I wish she was a bit more driven and competitive about this, but I know if I push she'll quit. She is who she is and feeling outside pressure makes her shut down, not perform better. We are considering Xcel in the next year or two, but we'll see. Do you have that option? Part of it is the age too. I think 11-13 is a common age to second guess, realize there are things going on out there, and fear and anxiety can kick in then too. My advice would be to tread carefully!

 

[iwannacoach]

Well you blew it the moment you put her on a horse!! I can't remember hearing of a little girl who didn't want a horse, name it something like Shadow or Whisper, and ride and groom the galloping money pit 24/7.

It's expensive, and it gets more expensive (hmm, like gymnastics?) at every turn. Can you say horse psychologist? And tell me, what do you think of when I say alfalfa.... happy thoughts, or sad. Pray for happy thoughts because sad thoughts require extra sessions between horse and therapist.

Just plead poverty...... it won't be far off.

 

[B&M's mom]

I understand your feelings. My youngest is the same age and is thinking about leaving the sport after this season. At first, I was very reluctant to let her but I realized that she's old enough to understand what that truly means. As my kids have gotten older, I've learned that I need to let go and let them make some decisions. I make sure that they understand the implications of their decision but let them ultimately make the decision. I'm not sure what my daughter will end up doing but it will be her choice.

You may want to revisit this issue with your daughter in a few months. She may have changed her mind. If not, you may want to decide if you will allow her to make the decision.

 

[MeetDirector]

BW -

Tough spot for sure. You do need to listen to her wishes, but don't let her make the decision in the middle of the season or when she is injured or when she is frustrated. She has to understand the consequences of her decision but only with a clear, non-frustrated mind.

 

[Deleted member 14190]

Fear is a big speed bump for anyone.

 

[Bajanswife]

Thanks everyone for the feedback. I didn't know it was so common for gymnasts to limit themselves in the way DD is doing right now. I actually don't care how fast she progresses personally - part of me would like her to stay at level 6 where she can get away with training only 4 days a week. But her coach sees the progress some of DD's group is making because they are determined to move up quickly, and she's afraid that this self-limiting attitude is going to affect DD's gym time. It already is, I think - she's been fooling around a lot more lately and being very blasé about everything. She is distracting the others and putting herself at risk for injury because of her lack of focus. She needs Christmas break I think!

They don't compete Xcel in Trinidad, which is our nearest competitor, so the coach has never started it here.

And as for horse riding, my friends have warned me about that! Why do you think I've been putting it off so long ......

 

[JoyAvenueMom]

Well you blew it the moment you put her on a horse!! I can't remember hearing of a little girl who didn't want a horse, name it something like Shadow or Whisper, and ride and groom the galloping money pit 24/7.

It's expensive, and it gets more expensive (hmm, like gymnastics?) at every turn. Can you say horse psychologist? And tell me, what do you think of when I say alfalfa.... happy thoughts, or sad. Pray for happy thoughts because sad thoughts require extra sessions between horse and therapist.

Just plead poverty...... it won't be far off.

Hmmm...does she read horse books, doodle horses, or parts of horses in her notebooks...did she "feed and saddle" her bicycle when she was younger? When I was your dd age, I took dance lessons and rode horses. My mother says I was good at dancing, and I know I liked it, especially the acrobats at the end of practice!...but regardless, the time came to make a choice. There was no choice, I enjoyed dancing, but my PASSION was horses. My mother was VERY disappointed, and I still remember my dad being the one who supported my decision and smoothing everything over. If your dd has that kind of "horse crazy"... she is unlikely to stick with anything else for long. And your bank account is toast!

 

[my4buffaloes]

I have to admit when my dd started on team my dh and I could see the $$ signs flashing. She loved horses and wanted more than anything to ride. So I sat her down and explained that she could not do both gymnastics and horse back riding and if she would please just quit gymnastics already she could do horseback riding a lot. I had even priced out lessons and lined them up figuring it was a done deal. Well, fast forward 6 years and she is a L8 and has never taken a horseback riding lesson. Oh well, they have to follow their passions not ours.