Anon Bullying in the gym

[Anonymous (0440)]

My daughter has been the victim of being lied about, left out, and talked about for awhile. The one doing this is subtle about it, so it’s hard to prove, but it’s making my daughter miserable, especially since everyone else thinks this person is so nice. Has anyone else dealt with this and what did you do?

 

[Pineapple_Lump]

Little girls can be nasty and they are also good at being sneaky about this behavior. I would speak with the coach, as they can often spot it and call it out when they know to watch.

For younger athletes they play a crucial role in setting the culture of the group and can make changes to help minimize the undesirable behavior.

I have noticed to, that how some coaches treat particular children has a direct correlation to how the other kids treat that child. Nobody wants to partner with the child that is the target of most of the yelling- so if the coach is not helpful and you don't see positive change it may be a red flag for you.

 

[Anonymous (f7d4)]

The sneaky stuff is the worse. Look up “relational aggression” for resources online that might help. The book “Little Girls Can Be Mean Too” is targeted toward early elementary parents but even parents of older girls might find it validating and helpful. Another book that helped me understand girls’ relationships is “Girls On The Edge.”

Some gyms have clear bullying policies on paper but don’t enforce them, and others have nothing in writing. Depending on where your daughter is in the gym’s pecking order, coaches may overlook other girls’ bad behavior if they are star gymnasts. Our gym has a strict anti-bullying policy but looks the other way when it comes to a couple of girls who they are steering toward elite.

 

[ReluctantGymMom]

We’re dealing with this right now. One girl who viciously hates my daughter and because she bullies people, is able to get other girls at the gym to treat her like she’s invisible because they don’t want her to turn her attention to them instead.

I talked to the coaches, who talked to the girl. It continued happening. I talked to the coaches again, who admitted that due to understaffing, they can’t supervise the relational aggression sneaky things that happen just outside of their peripheral vision because they’re spotting, correcting, etc and because my daughter doesn’t go to the coach immediately and tell them.

We settled on it being my daughters responsibility to tell the coach next time it happens, he’ll send the girl home and if it happens again, he’ll kick her out.

I also sent her mom a long, detailed message about the nasty things her kid has done to mine and I think her mom had a serious talk with her because now she’s cordial to my kid, she’s avoiding talking about her behind her back directly in front of her and she’s overall leaving her alone.

Our team atmosphere is TERRIBLE. Mostly middle school girls who don’t want to be there and get mad when the coaches are yelling at them and tell my daughter she can go back to practice because they’re not yelling at her, because she was working.

I dunno how old your daughter is, but I’m so sorry she’s going through this - the team dynamics are so important when they spend so many hours together, so this turn of events has been really brutal on my kid

 

[Anonymous (9ad9)]

I'm not sure I have any advice other than talk to the coaches. My daughter is in a similar situation. It is so bad that this other girl told others that my daughter faked a concussion... seriously! She even made up lies about me (her mom), saying that I faked the doctor's note. I'm sorry your daughter is going through this. Big hugs, and I hope it is resolved soon.

 

[Anonymous (23db)]

How old are your daughter and her teammates? That definitely makes a difference in how to handle things.

Agree with poster above that bullying can be overlooked if the kid doing the bullying has high gym potential...it sort of sucks.

I think for younger kids, the best you can do beyond talking to the coaches is to try and help your kid find strategies handle it. Like calmly refuting the lie ("I can hear what you are saying about me and it's a lie." and then walk away), or calmly asking the girl in front of others and in front of the coach to please stop talking about her, or to speak to the coach herself. I will say that if you talk to the coach yourself, ir seems to work better if you don't name names. Just say that your child has mentioned feeling bullied and hearing another child spread lies about her.

If your child is older and a higher level, truth is that she may just need to defend herself and keep her chin up. Make the choice not to let someone else decide her happiness. Easier said than done, I know...

 

[Anonymous (0440)]

How old are your daughter and her teammates? That definitely makes a difference in how to handle things.

Agree with poster above that bullying can be overlooked if the kid doing the bullying has high gym potential...it sort of sucks.

I think for younger kids, the best you can do beyond talking to the coaches is to try and help your kid find strategies handle it. Like calmly refuting the lie ("I can hear what you are saying about me and it's a lie." and then walk away), or calmly asking the girl in front of others and in front of the coach to please stop talking about her, or to speak to the coach herself. I will say that if you talk to the coach yourself, ir seems to work better if you don't name names. Just say that your child has mentioned feeling bullied and hearing another child spread lies about her.

If your child is older and a higher level, truth is that she may just need to defend herself and keep her chin up. Make the choice not to let someone else decide her happiness. Easier said than done, I know...

This is great advice! It’s middle school age—the worst. Shes reached the point she doesn’t want to go to practice, but again it can’t be proven because it’s sneaky while being all smiles and sweetness to everyone else, especially the coaches. This is a strategy we will talk about for sure.

 

[Anonymous (152c)]

Most times it's because the coach is unaware. I'm very busy with lots of kids and I can't always see the little nuances that go on in line or at snack. Please let your coach know and give them the opportunity to remedy it. Luckily my older girls know how I feel about that and they are always the first to let me know if they haven't handled it themselves. It's all about the gym culture in my opinion. My girls and parents know that no one is above being shown the door for mean or nasty behavior. I threw out a State AA level 8 champion several years ago for being mean and I never looked back. Just won't tolerate it from anyone at any level. 'You ain't that good honey!' Good luck to you with that.

 

[Anonymous (152c)]

9 out of 10 times it's because the coach has no idea it's going on. We are busy coaching and or spotting and we can't be line police at the same time. I rely on my older girls to let me know or usually just handle it for me as they know how I feel about that. No one and I mean no one is so talented that they can be mean. Period. When your coach has a minute let them know of your concerns. I don't know of a coach worth their salt that wouldn't jump on that right away. No one wants that culture in their gym. Good luck to you and your daughter.

 

[Madden3]

My son was picked on at gymnastics practice for a couple years when he was middle school age- 12, 13.

The worst thing was how hard he took it- gym practice had always been his happy place. We tried many things, the coach was alerted and took it seriously- but in this case there just was not much he could do. It involved subtle nastiness and teasing led by one boy who decided to target my son after the coach assigned my son to lead warmups instead of that boy, who had not taken the responsibility seriously. What hurt my son was that several of the other kids joined in, including one boy who had been his close friend for years.

Nothing solved the issue, but two things helped. One was encouraging my son to put the situation in perspective and, rather than react and verbally object to the comments as he had been doing, to instead ignore the comments as much as possible and basically, work on shrugging it off. Two, I contacted a mom whose son was on the team and I knew was a nice kid. This boy was a little younger but he had his own issues at practice because he has a chronic medical condition. His mom and I encouraged the boys to look out for each other, which basically meant to hang together during practice. They were in different training groups so not always at practice at the same time, but this helped.

FYI I mentioned your question and my intention to respond to you to my son last night- he is now 19 and living on the other side of the country serving in the military- and he said he did not remember anything about this and only remembered how much he liked gym practice.

 

[Anonymous (217d)]

My daughter recently had an experience where one of her team mates had been making repeated unwanted comments to her (not quite to the level of bullying, but definitely annoying). She is quite shy, so didn't feel comfortable to tell her coach. I mentioned it to the owner who spoke to the coaching staff. It took about a week of the coach paying very close attention to the offender and it more or less stopped. Because the manager and coaches listened to her, my daughter now feels empowered enough to speak up directly to the girl and her coach on the rare occasion that the girl still mentions it.

 

[Anonymous (1289)]

Sounds grim, sorry to hear she's having to deal with it. Kids, especially girls at that age, can be absolutely vicious and I imagine it only gets worse in a highly competitive environment like that. The most important thing is that she had told you and isn't suffering in silence. That takes real courage on her part. As others have said, the next thing to do is make sure the gym is aware. Do they have an anti-bullying policy in place? The one at our gym makes clear that bullying in any form is unacceptable, and that coaches, parents and gymnasts have a shared responsibility to identify and help tackle it. The "procedures" section says:

Report bullying incidents to the Club Welfare Officer(s).​

1. Where the alleged bully is a child (children), if applicable, parents should be informed and will be asked to come to a meeting to discuss the problem.​

2. The bullying behaviour or threats of bullying must be investigated and stopped.​

3. An attempt will be made to help the bully (bullies) change their behaviour through discussion about bullying.​

4. Bullies may be asked to sign a behaviour contract.​

5. If bullying continues the bully will be asked to leave the Club.​

 

[Korbut1974]

There’s a lot of bullying at every level - not just in gym but at school and other sports. My daughter has dealt with it her whole time in gymnastics. Honestly, it’s hard to squash. The coaches, even when aware, have a hard time controlling it, especially with the sneaky kids. It has a lot to do with the parents too. Entitled bullying parents = entitled bullying kids. We’re told they’ll “see themselves out” but it certainly doesn’t seem that way when those kids are often good gymnasts and therefore favored by coaches and we’re approaching level 4 season and they’re still here, still being mean.

 

[Anonymous (f39d)]

The sneaky stuff is the worse. Look up “relational aggression” for resources online that might help. The book “Little Girls Can Be Mean Too” is targeted toward early elementary parents but even parents of older girls might find it validating and helpful. Another book that helped me understand girls’ relationships is “Girls On The Edge.”

Some gyms have clear bullying policies on paper but don’t enforce them, and others have nothing in writing. Depending on where your daughter is in the gym’s pecking order, coaches may overlook other girls’ bad behavior if they are star gymnasts. Our gym has a strict anti-bullying policy but looks the other way when it comes to a couple of girls who they are steering toward elite.

Thank you for the book recommendations! My 9 year old daughter is just starting to deal with things like being left out so I'm going to look these up!

 

[Anonymous (0773)]

My 9 year old daughter is just starting to deal with things like being left out

That issue never goes away (adults have that problem), and it's hard getting kids to understand that cars only have so many seats, or houses have only so much room for sleep overs, and yeah some of the kids get invited to everything.

 

[Anonymous (da1c)]

There’s a lot of bullying at every level - not just in gym but at school and other sports. My daughter has dealt with it her whole time in gymnastics. Honestly, it’s hard to squash. The coaches, even when aware, have a hard time controlling it, especially with the sneaky kids. It has a lot to do with the parents too. Entitled bullying parents = entitled bullying kids. We’re told they’ll “see themselves out” but it certainly doesn’t seem that way when those kids are often good gymnasts and therefore favored by coaches and we’re approaching level 4 season and they’re still here, still being mean.

Eventually, though, they will or the tables will turn, I promise. A gymnast once left our gym she didn’t have to share the spotlight with another aspiring gymnast on the team. Initially, the gymnast made some progress and had some successes, but now she has moved again and is not at the level she once was; meanwhile, the other girl kept her head up and is still striving to meet her goals!