Parents Checking My Ego and Adjusting My Mindset

[SupportingHerDreams]

I think it is so interesting how easily I fall into the mindset of "higher level faster = better". In my head I can logically see the advantage to slow and steady progress but I would be lying if I said that hearing my daughter would be competing a level lower than I had expected didn't sting a bit.

I am thrilled for the girls that excel at a young age and I truly wish the best for them but that doesn't have to be the path for everyone. From my limited research it looked like only 2 out of the 16 senior elite girls on the national team ever qualified to the TOPS National Team and those two girls didn't qualify to the current Olympic team.

My girl came in 52nd at TOPS National Testing (out of around 75). We, as a family, celebrated all the huge accomplishments that she has made but sometimes I think it would be fun to see her be "the best"!

My girl does have crazy big dreams and goals and thankfully she has an amazing coach that is supporting her in them. She has struggled with fears and that is why her coach has decided to keep her to a lower level. He wants to give her time to build the confidence and mental strength needed in the higher levels. I know having an "old school" coach that is willing to acknowledge mental struggles and give space and support to work through them is very rare and I am so thankful for what we have. So my logical brain is telling my ego that this decision is what is best... but somehow it still stings bit.

I think I just came here to vent a bit to people who can understand. Parenting in this sport is so tough!! I feel like parents never get it right, we are either too involved or too unaware... putting too much pressure on our child or not caring enough... sometimes it feels nearly impossible to find balance. Allowing this to be her sport and not be too emotionally involved but also being the needed support.

So, here's to all the other parents out there that feel like you are fumbling your way through. I think if we are willing to stay self aware maybe we be able to look back and be thankful for all the ups and the downs!

 

[CluelessGymMom]

I enjoyed reading your honest post, truly. Thank you for posting!

My DD is just beginning her gym journey, so I haven't experienced that with gym yet. That said, I can relate so, so much to what you wrote when I think about her other sport.

In her other sport, I remember the very long periods of time when it seemed like zero progress was made, and then seemingly overnight she was "next level." Just 6 mos ago she was "behind" in many ways, but the things she DID do she did perfectly (better than most adults). I kept telling my husband "I know she looks behind, but she is doing it right and having fun." Then dang near overnight, her confidence boosted and she is now the girl to beat! Nothing I did (I am her coach in that sport), but instead what she did (a mental shift in her).

I also keep reminding myself that I burned out (on the non gym sport), despite being very competitive and passionate, and it sucks. That reminds me to step back and focus more on my daughter enjoying herself vs. improvement timelines.

You are right, it is a balance.

 

[AnotherGymDad]

Hard agree. One of my least favourite things about gym-stagram is the number of videos that make a huge fuss about a kid doing something at a young age. "OMG, LOOK AT THIS FIVE YEAR-OLD'S BAR SKILLZ!" as if early performance is an indicator of future success. One of Matthew Syed's many books on sport includes something about how children who excel very early on are far less likely to reach the top than those that are slower starters. I realise gymnastics is a bit of an outlier given the relatively early age at which girls "peak" but pushing kids to achieve too much too soon is a surefire route to burning out and dropping out.

 

[mezzamare]

I really feel you, in that keeping balance can be really hard. I have a tendency to get excited, then get overly invested, then withdraw too far, then maintain pretty good stasis for a while, then get sucked through the whole cycle again. I try to get Zen about it, and sometimes I succeed, but mostly I am on the rollercoaster knowing I care deeply about my kid and her goals, while also knowing I literally have ZERO effect on the process beyond paying the bills and getting her to practice on time. It's a tough game to stay emotionally neutral while being so powerless. I've gotten good at keeping it all internal and away from my daughter, but it's emotionally tiring at times.

The other thing I find really difficult is that gymnastics kind of forces you to always look up, as in, focus is so insistently upon what comes next that what has been accomplished can be so easily overlooked. I know my daughter is always losing sight of how far she's come; she's always feeling like she's just treading water, even when that's 100% not true. I literally have to remind her that the skills she takes for granted now were once new and difficult. Most of the time she blows me off, but I am hoping a little grain of sanity squeaks through every once in a while.

And don't even get me started on the deathtrap of comparisons with other gymnasts. No matter what one girl does, no matter the great things she achieves... there's another girl doing it better at a younger age while wearing ankle weights and humming the Star-Spangled Banner. It just never ends, no matter if your kid *is* "the best" at whatever moment or level or meet. There's always more more more until, I suppose, she's in a smackdown death match against Simone Biles and wins, lol. It feels like that insistency can devour you whole and spit you out if you let it. So I do my best to stay away from that line of thinking, however seductive it can be to go down that path.

 

[SupportingHerDreams]

I really feel you, in that keeping balance can be really hard. I have a tendency to get excited, then get overly invested, then withdraw too far, then maintain pretty good stasis for a while, then get sucked through the whole cycle again. I try to get Zen about it, and sometimes I succeed, but mostly I am on the rollercoaster knowing I care deeply about my kid and her goals, while also knowing I literally have ZERO effect on the process beyond paying the bills and getting her to practice on time. It's a tough game to stay emotionally neutral while being so powerless. I've gotten good at keeping it all internal and away from my daughter, but it's emotionally tiring at times.

The other thing I find really difficult is that gymnastics kind of forces you to always look up, as in, focus is so insistently upon what comes next that what has been accomplished can be so easily overlooked. I know my daughter is always losing sight of how far she's come; she's always feeling like she's just treading water, even when that's 100% not true. I literally have to remind her that the skills she takes for granted now were once new and difficult. Most of the time she blows me off, but I am hoping a little grain of sanity squeaks through every once in a while.

And don't even get me started on the deathtrap of comparisons with other gymnasts. No matter what one girl does, no matter the great things she achieves... there's another girl doing it better at a younger age while wearing ankle weights and humming the Star-Spangled Banner. It just never ends, no matter if your kid *is* "the best" at whatever moment or level or meet. There's always more more more until, I suppose, she's in a smackdown death match against Simone Biles and wins, lol. It feels like that insistency can devour you whole and spit you out if you let it. So I do my best to stay away from that line of thinking, however seductive it can be to go down that path.

I feel so seen!! Thank you for helping me not feel alone!