Women Coach-Gymnast relationship

[Natasha]

DD is an optional level gymnast in middle school. She has 2 main coaches. One coach is tough with high expectations who dd greatly respects and adores. DD thinks the other coach does not like her. She has had her for about a year. I thought with time it would get better, but dd states that she does not coach her and that she has to ask for feedback. She says that she feels like she is "annoying" the coach. Coach has been somewhat open to me about not enjoying coaching dd's group and I am wondering if dd is picking up on this and personalizing it. DD does not want me to talk to coach as she thinks that will make it worse. DD complains that coach only likes to coach "Suzie." I have tried to assess whether it is a jealousy issue and have had discussions with dd about it, but I am kind of at a loss now.
While I am concerned about the affect on her gymnastics, I guess my biggest concern is that this adult spends more time with dd than any other adult in her life and I am concerned about the effects on my dd's self image if she feels like this adult does not like her. I am also wondering how to know if it is a perception issue on my daughter's part or if it really is a personality conflict.
I would appreciate any thoughts, feedback or experiences....feeling a little stuck.

 

[Aussie_coach]

Well if the coach has openly admitted to you that she struggles with your DD's group then it does sound like there will be some problems there. It is not a sign of a good coach they they don't enjoy working with a group of girls and it shows. A good coach would asses why they don't like working with the girls and strive to improve the situation for everyone. If your gym owner or head coach is approachable you could discuss the issue with them.

on the other hand, not everyone your DD works with at gym, school or in the workforce later in life will like her or get along with her. It can be a great teaching tool for your DD. Talk to her about what she wants to get out of her gymnastics and how she can make sure she gets that regardless of what the coach thinks of her. You could have her imagine what it is like to be a coach and what sorts of charatcer traits she would like in her gymnasts and what sort of character traits would frustrate her. This can help her to understand the human side of coaches as well as identify what she could do to be more coachable. I a, not saying it is your D's fault at all, a professional adult should not put a child in this situation but it can be a beneficial lesson for your child.

 

[iwannacoach]

Something about your description doesn't add up. Almost every coach I've ever known wants to work with kids for a few reasons that usually prevents them from ignoring a group as you've described. Most of us want to see our kids make progress, and are very happy to go way beyond "it's just a job" levels of commitment to make that happen. So there seems to be something missing..... either she doesn't have the commitment, of the kids don't, or one or both parties see the other as "the problem."

I'd suggest, since the coach brought it up, that you talk to the her to see what she needs from a group of kids to be able to enjoy them.

Speaking of beneficial lessons for your child....... is it possible you child can ask the coach that same question, as it would likely be seen as a genuine effort to get things on course, and have a more profound effect on the coach, if the coach is indeed causing this problem. She should just walk up to the coach and tell her what she feels like when she has to ask for feedback, and to work under the direction of someone who doesn't seem to care about her. It just may be what the coach needs to hear, and coming from a child is going to turn up the volume considerably.

 

[spgymnastics]

We had a similar situation. I don't think (at least never heard) that this coach didn't like working with the group BUT - DD felt as if she "doesn't like her and works only with Suzie". I am not at the gym during practice so all I had was DD's point of view. The approach i took was on one hand talk to DD, try to understand what is the issue, which part is pure jealousy and or anything else that is bothering her. I did make a point of explaining to her that she can not always be the center of attention (pretty shocking for her ) and needs to look at it in a more pragmatic way (make sure she gets what she needs in terms of spotting etc...).

I DID talk to the coach as well.. it wasn't easy and I gave all the necessary disclaimers.. I made sure it doesn't sound like a complaint but rather echoing DD's feelings so that he is aware. It did help, both conversations..

 

[Natasha]

THanks for the input. I have had several discussions with dd over the course of several months where we looked at her role, her thoughts and behavior and how she might be contributing. IWC, I would love if she could do what you suggested, but she is not "there" yet. (When she first started team she did not talk to coaches or adults at all!) We have talked about making sure she gets what she needs, ask questions when needed (not ask questions when not needed), be respectful, etc. She does ask for specific feedback when needed and we have discussed that it can't be constant.
I did talk with HC/owner a while ago during a particularly rough patch when dd was convinced that her coaches were mad at her (When really she was mad at herself and projecting.) THe owner was great and had some great insights, but 2 months later and we are continuing to have issues. I have also approached the coach by asking how dd's "Coachability" is. I recieved a somewhat vague answer, stating that "it was getting better."
Last year (as well as a previous year in compulsories) dd had recieved the "Coaches Award" at the end of the year team banquet for the entire optional team. The award is based on attitude, work ethic, etc. So either my dd has changed with all the hormones at this age, or we just have an interpersonal conflict or a combination of the above.