Parents Considering a Gym change - The Rules?

[IzzyFeet]

Of course you can/should leave now. The fact that she is in that environment for 20+hrs a week is even more reason to pull her now, if this truly is an abusive environment. So there is competition to get into other gyms. If you can't get her into another gym are you really considering allowing her to stay in this current abusive situation? If that answer is "no", then there is no reason to have her stay another day there.

The daughter does not want to end her gym career. There is competition to other gyms, but I would say that they would take her based on scores. When I'm watching from the parent area, it's better and the coach is more on guard, and appropriate. I try not to butt in, but I do give the eye.

Though she is young, I do let her direct this in most ways. I said from the start I would not be that mom that would contact the coach at the first whim of anything, and my daughter asks me to not email or contact when I say I will or want to.

This coach doesn't call people fat or belittle them body wise, more work wise that they are not working hard enough, and tells them they should leave if they can't do the work, and does not count properly on assignments, and does not spot if the coach thinks they're not doing the work. They are all doing the work.

My words earlier were harsh, and maybe too much because I'm talking about my girl here... I don't like what's said, and girls do leave crying at least once a week. I have read the safesport rules of emotional abuse and the usa gymastics examples, and this coach does not meet the safesport reporting guidelines, and is boarderline on the usa gym.

I'm ready to move, but need to know we can have the in before physically visiting. Which I am planning on doing at the end of the week, in disguise, with a cover story as advised by another member.

 

[IzzyFeet]

The only way to truly tell her it isn’t ok is to make her leave because they mistreat her. Your words without action say that it is ok, at least to a degree. I know it feels like you have to find a new place first.. trust me I do.. but you absolutely don’t. You’re likely to find one as soon as you leave, but if you couldn’t would you really want to stay? The hardest lesson I had to learn as a gym mom is that no gym is better than an abusive gym.

To give an honest answer, and to risk having the rest of you beat me with noodles, yes. If we could not get into another gym, I would stay. That is the honest truth, and If that's a bad mom, then that's me. I'm listening to you guys though, so I'm trying to be the good mom, but still let her direct this since she is truly in it, and I'm only watching. I told her from the beginning this was HER choice to be in gymnastics, and I would never be the mom to force it or to relive my past regrets or anything like that.

She could very well land a college team with how she is going now, and she would like to entertain that...knowing there are still low numbers on that. If she did not get into the other gym, I would probably confront and then shoot off my mouth to the head coach, again, and to the owner, again, and probably get us fired, and we would circle back around to right here...looking for another gym.

She is not done with gymnastics. She would tell you she is not done. She had a grave injury - not from gym - and had the chance to quit this year. She had to take many months off. I was ready to let it go for her. She wasn't done though. She got right back on that horse and she made it to the podium at regionals, despite everything she had been through medically, that should have ended all of this for her. So, She is good...stats wise...not just mom opinion here. She is in the top 25% if that's good enough. She can do better with a better coach.

I hear your words though, and they are haunting me a little. I may have a heart to heart...in a mom way...saying exactly what you said. Not leaving is saying it's ok, and at that point I'm reinforcing it...and that kind of thing reinforces it for the rest of her life...boyfriends, husbands etc. A little emotional abuse is ok...kind of thing. So You have my ear. Both of them. I'm here to open my heart and soul and hear these things from those of you who will tell me like you have. Thank you. I appreciate your honesty...and I gotta go now cause I'm getting emotional. Bad mom vs Good mom in my head.

I am going to look at the other gym at the end of the week, with a cover story and a disguise.

 

[MILgymFAM]

To give an honest answer, and to risk having the rest of you beat me with noodles, yes. If we could not get into another gym, I would stay. That is the honest truth, and If that's a bad mom, then that's me. I'm listening to you guys though, so I'm trying to be the good mom, but still let her direct this since she is truly in it, and I'm only watching. I told her from the beginning this was HER choice to be in gymnastics, and I would never be the mom to force it or to relive my past regrets or anything like that.

She could very well land a college team with how she is going now, and she would like to entertain that...knowing there are still low numbers on that. If she did not get into the other gym, I would probably confront and then shoot off my mouth to the head coach, again, and to the owner, again, and probably get us fired, and we would circle back around to right here...looking for another gym.

She is not done with gymnastics. She would tell you she is not done. She had a grave injury - not from gym - and had the chance to quit this year. She had to take many months off. I was ready to let it go for her. She wasn't done though. She got right back on that horse and she made it to the podium at regionals, despite everything she had been through medically, that should have ended all of this for her. So, She is good...stats wise...not just mom opinion here. She is in the top 25% if that's good enough. She can do better with a better coach.

I hear your words though, and they are haunting me a little. I may have a heart to heart...in a mom way...saying exactly what you said. Not leaving is saying it's ok, and at that point I'm reinforcing it...and that kind of thing reinforces it for the rest of her life...boyfriends, husbands etc. A little emotional abuse is ok...kind of thing. So You have my ear. Both of them. I'm here to open my heart and soul and hear these things from those of you who will tell me like you have. Thank you. I appreciate your honesty...and I gotta go now cause I'm getting emotional. Bad mom vs Good mom in my head.

I am going to look at the other gym at the end of the week, with a cover story and a disguise.

My daughter was not done. She cried and cried when I made her quit. Now a sophomore in college she thanks me so much- she has been through therapy for years to deal with all the harm that abusive gymnastics caused her. She was actually diagnosed with ptsd. Is she a college gymnast? No, but it would NOT have been worth it even if possible. And she IS a gymnast in college- her continued participation in the sport is a source of joy, as it should be.. and her academics were the source of a full ride scholarship, so that gymnastics could always be on her terms from now on. I’m not calling you a bad mom.. but I do think your caught up in the bad mom haze that gymnastics can cause and you might be missing the forest for the trees.

 

[novagymmom]

To give an honest answer, and to risk having the rest of you beat me with noodles, yes. If we could not get into another gym, I would stay. That is the honest truth, and If that's a bad mom, then that's me. I'm listening to you guys though, so I'm trying to be the good mom, but still let her direct this since she is truly in it, and I'm only watching. I told her from the beginning this was HER choice to be in gymnastics, and I would never be the mom to force it or to relive my past regrets or anything like that.

She could very well land a college team with how she is going now, and she would like to entertain that...knowing there are still low numbers on that. If she did not get into the other gym, I would probably confront and then shoot off my mouth to the head coach, again, and to the owner, again, and probably get us fired, and we would circle back around to right here...looking for another gym.

She is not done with gymnastics. She would tell you she is not done. She had a grave injury - not from gym - and had the chance to quit this year. She had to take many months off. I was ready to let it go for her. She wasn't done though. She got right back on that horse and she made it to the podium at regionals, despite everything she had been through medically, that should have ended all of this for her. So, She is good...stats wise...not just mom opinion here. She is in the top 25% if that's good enough. She can do better with a better coach.

I hear your words though, and they are haunting me a little. I may have a heart to heart...in a mom way...saying exactly what you said. Not leaving is saying it's ok, and at that point I'm reinforcing it...and that kind of thing reinforces it for the rest of her life...boyfriends, husbands etc. A little emotional abuse is ok...kind of thing. So You have my ear. Both of them. I'm here to open my heart and soul and hear these things from those of you who will tell me like you have. Thank you. I appreciate your honesty...and I gotta go now cause I'm getting emotional. Bad mom vs Good mom in my head.

I am going to look at the other gym at the end of the week, with a cover story and a disguise.

I just wanted to say good luck at the other gym and I hope you are able to get in there. I understand how you feel with the good vs bad mom. There is a coach at my daughter's gym that has truly taken the joy out of the sport for her. It crushes me. I try to gauge all the time if she is emotionally abusive, or if she's just tough (knowing full well that my daughter knows how to butt heads when being pushed and that doesn't help her case). I have said 500 times - do you want to switch gyms? My daughter wanted to stay because of her friends. Now she's on the brink of potentially leaving the sport or potentially switching to Xcel "for the fun coaches". Anyways, I get it and I appreciate your open ears and heart here. I wish you the best in getting her into a more positive environment.

 

[NutterButter]

I just wanted to say good luck at the other gym and I hope you are able to get in there. I understand how you feel with the good vs bad mom. There is a coach at my daughter's gym that has truly taken the joy out of the sport for her. It crushes me. I try to gauge all the time if she is emotionally abusive, or if she's just tough (knowing full well that my daughter knows how to butt heads when being pushed and that doesn't help her case). I have said 500 times - do you want to switch gyms? My daughter wanted to stay because of her friends. Now she's on the brink of potentially leaving the sport or potentially switching to Xcel "for the fun coaches". Anyways, I get it and I appreciate your open ears and heart here. I wish you the best in getting her into a more positive environment.

I was in this same situation. The coach who my DD always butt heads with suddenly became the head coach 2 years ago and instilled her philosophy/coaching over the rest of gym. It was emotionally tolerable for my DD when she only had the coach for 1 event but when she made HC and set the tone for the entire gym it really did a number on her (she recently commented to me that she truly believes she has PTSD and yes, she's in therapy). I regret not pulling my daughter out but at the time it was easy to justify because she was a senior and wanted to finish out her JO season with her friends. I figured she was 18 and could/should weigh in on whether she wanted to change gyms so I went against every grain in my body and agreed that she could stay.

Fast forward to now - my DD is wrapping up her 1st semester on a D3 team (school was remote in the fall so she's only had a 4 months with her new team). She is thriving. She is once again experiencing positive coaching and she is advancing again with skills. She decided she did not want to go back to her club gym for the summer and will be training at another gym. I'm proud of her for deciding this! I'm also still mad at myself for letting her continue at her former gym once it was obvious her situation wasn't going to change. My DD is nervous about training in a new place for the summer but she is so relieved to not have to go back to her old gym. It was an easy phone call for her to change - one that she wishes she made last year.

 

[Deleted member 26368]

Wow, I really appreciate the heartfelt stories being shared here. I wish all of you and your gymnasts the best. It just really hurts my heart that there are coaches out there who make this so hard on these young athletes. My DD hasn't been in this situation but let me just say, my son's experience in youth football is very similar to some of the "emotionally abusive coach" stories you're sharing here.

Leave it to the adults to make a "fun" thing no longer "fun" for the kids....

 

[bookworm]

There is a coach at my daughter's gym that has truly taken the joy out of the sport for her. It crushes me.

And THIS was my daughter's NCAA coach in a nutshell.....that coach made it her life's work to make her athletes hate ( in no particular order) themselves, their bodies, their sport , their friends and relatives that tried to help them ...you get the drift ...it's like cult behavior .

I truly believe their is a special place in hell for coaches and their designees that behave like this towards anyone, but especially a vulnerable athlete..

 

[gymgal]

Fast forward to now - my DD is wrapping up her 1st semester on a D3 team (school was remote in the fall so she's only had a 4 months with her new team). She is thriving. She is once again experiencing positive coaching and she is advancing again with skills. She decided she did not want to go back to her club gym for the summer and will be training at another gym. I'm proud of her for deciding this! I'm also still mad at myself for letting her continue at her former gym once it was obvious her situation wasn't going to change. My DD is nervous about training in a new place for the summer but she is so relieved to not have to go back to her old gym. It was an easy phone call for her to change - one that she wishes she made last year.

That's great that she found another gym who is allowing her to train. I have heard this can be tough because the gyms don't want to take the risks with adults when they were not "home-grown". for others who might read this in the future, Overnight gym camps is another option as well - good job, free room/board and you get to train with some great coaches.

 

[Cheryl]

Most of the coaches know about most of the kids. When my son switched about 4 years ago, the coach at his new gym already knew about his scores and skills. Before my kid even did a try out, coach said he had strength and flexibility but not great tumbling ( this is Level 6, and I already knew that)
. Son did the tryout, was accepted. I had concerns that he would not want to switch until school ended, new coach said that was fine. After walking out of new gym, son said “I’m ready to go here now”. Told nobody at old gym until sending an email to owner and coach of old gym on Thursday saying Friday would be his last day at old gym. Didn’t give info about where he was going, if he was leaving gymnastics... it was end of May. Just said he won’t be back, made sure my credit card info was off the portal. Old coach didn’t even shake his hand on last day.

So, there really aren’t any secrets

 

[Cheryl]

It’s one of those situations that really give gymnastics a bad reputation. They aren’t pro athletes getting paid or bringing money into the club.... They are kids trying to learn and enjoy a sport. That stuff like this goes on for pre teens and teens only reinforces the image that gymnastics is an abusive sport, which scares away parents from even starting..... and I have a boy, and boys gymnastics seems way less intense than girls.

 

[MILgymFAM]

It’s one of those situations that really give gymnastics a bad reputation. They aren’t pro athletes getting paid or bringing money into the club.... They are kids trying to learn and enjoy a sport. That stuff like this goes on for pre teens and teens only reinforces the image that gymnastics is an abusive sport, which scares away parents from even starting..... and I have a boy, and boys gymnastics seems way less intense than girls.

T&T is also less like artistic. There was no stigma at all with switching around when my daughters did T&T, and some athletes even switched back and forth between the same places.

 

[IzzyFeet]

Thank you all for your stories, suggestions, support and ideas. We have decided to make the move. I went in disguise to the other gym, and it was a totally different place. Supportive and all the kids seemed happy. We start next week! We made the decision together. I did use another mom to liaison, on the condition that if the coach knew who, and she did, that she would not make the courtesy call yet. There was no tryout needed or requested. Once I came out as to who I was, my daughter was taken on her scores, and we already knew the coach, so it's all good now! Thank you all for your support. This was very difficult.

 

[Geoffrey Taucer]

I learned today that by going and looking at another gym, we can lose the opportunity to stay with our gym.

This is so common, and so manipulative. I wish there were some USAG rule or policy against this

 

[cmg]

This is so common, and so manipulative. I wish there were some USAG rule or policy against this

There should be, this is one reason why families have to stay at gyms that are considered abusive. USAG really needs to change a lot of policies to prevent the toxic atmospheres that are in many gyms. But I think they might be too afraid to change the perceived formula for success.

 

[NutterButter]

Yea! I'm glad it worked out. Good luck to your daughter!

 

[Cheryl]

Good luck. It makes no sense at all that it is this way. On every level of every sport, everyone from child to pro athlete explore options. It’s normal and part of the process of becoming a better athlete. There shouldn’t be any punishment for trying to find a good fit.

 

[PeanutsMom]

I just wanted to say good luck at the other gym and I hope you are able to get in there. I understand how you feel with the good vs bad mom. There is a coach at my daughter's gym that has truly taken the joy out of the sport for her. It crushes me. I try to gauge all the time if she is emotionally abusive, or if she's just tough (knowing full well that my daughter knows how to butt heads when being pushed and that doesn't help her case). I have said 500 times - do you want to switch gyms? My daughter wanted to stay because of her friends. Now she's on the brink of potentially leaving the sport or potentially switching to Xcel "for the fun coaches". Anyways, I get it and I appreciate your open ears and heart here. I wish you the best in getting her into a more positive environment.

My DD just switched to XCEL for pretty much the same reason. Not enough help from the Optional coaches, more supportive XCEL coaches. She recognized she needed a different environment to continue to grow and progress. I am very fortunate she made this choice on her own, but I know the struggle is real for most gymnasts.