Parents DD doesn't handle correction well

[momof5]

My 8 year old has a hard time dealing with critism and correction. She gets very definsive and ugly about it. After a recent meet my DD asked what things she could work on to get a better score. So i gave her a couple of suggestions and immediately she got very defensive about it. "Well its hard" " I m trying as hard as I can""there is too much to remember" Basically just making excuses. She doesn't like hearing or seeing her mistakes. This is very frustrating since I was only doing what she asked. I told her next time she asked I wasn't going to tell her anything since she didn't listen anyway. That made her more upset since she realized I was upset with her. I think that she struggles a little with this at gym too based on some comments that she said to me last week. I don'tthink she has acted put out to them of said anything to them but she has complained to me about things that they have said. " I am trying as hard as I can" "They never say anything positive and only point out the things I do wrong" I know from knowing her she always forgets the positive stuff but really holds on to the negative stuff. Its not just gym either. You should hear her carry on when I correct her homework and the tears she cries when I try to correct her behavior. I am at my wits end in trying to figure out how to help her not get so upset when she realizes she is not perfect. Any advice I would greatly welcome.

 

[bogwoppit]

Well tmy best advice with the gym stuff is just leave the correction to the coaches, if she asks, just tell her it looked great to you, she knows you're not a judge or a coach. That will take away the whole issue between you. Let gym be her thing.

When it comes to the same issue at home, that is obviously just her personality. Homework is her job and she needs to do it, but how about you try not correctng it, just encouraging her to get it done. It is the teachers job to correct and instruct, your job is to make the time for her to get her tasks done.

My youngest is a prickly soul at times, We work things out by having a regular routine, clear guidlines and a lot of consistency. We don't have a mountain of rules, but she knows that the law is the law. I try to tell her what I expect and then praise when she does a good job.

She will grow out of this phase, and then into another phase, that's what kids do.

Parenting is a very hard job, the fact that you care enough to want to help her speaks volumes about the great Mom you are.

 

[Bobby]

She's probably aware she's not perfect, but may be disappointed to discover that her mother has noticed? Maybe the (cause of) upset is feeling that her mother is more open to seeing her flaws than she'd like? Might it help if you get her to suggest her own improvements first, and (if you really have to add some) then do it in the middle of listing some of her best assets/attributes so she knows you have perspective on her good/bad, so she can develop some perspective in her own self-assessment (and reaction to it).

 

[gymnut1]

She sounds like my dd. lol. Good luck with that.

 

[kalgymcoach]

My DS is very similar. I do agree with the comments to let her teacher/coach do the "hard sell" when it comes to picking up on her problem areas. But she has specifically asked you for your advice in a round about way. As a mother it is hard not to answer your child's questions regarding her sport. I pick one thing like say the cartwheel. My response is "that was a good cartwheel with very pointy toes, just stretch your knees a bit". The problem area is small, but still important, and that their were some good in the cartwheel as well. Your DD is looking for your support and approval. Something every gymnast wants. Hope this makes sense. Good luck

 

[Swiftli]

OH NO...it is another clone of my 8yr old DD...it is very stressful I know.

One thing I have learned from Chalkbucket...is to definitely let the gym stay at the gym. I no longer press her for info about her practices or offer advice to correct something. It only adds to her stress. TRUST ME...it is very hard to do...(I do slip up occasionally still)

As for homework, that I am still struggling with but alot of the emotions I am getting from her I feel are because she is stressed and tired. We have to do homework after she gets home from practice. I try to put her in a quiet place to do her work --away from T.V. and her loud brothers. Once she is calm and focused she is more willing to accept my help and critique of her work.

Again...It is all still a work in progress but I keep trying everyday on a clean slate..

I am just hoping this phase goes away..... fast.

Oh...and I have to add...my DD has that perfection bug too...If she can't get it right the first time she tries...she has a breakdown. I am constantly reminding her.."Did you know how to read the first time you tried?, Did you know how to ride a bike the first time you tried....NO..but through practice and perserverance you can do it now." This is my encouragement speech...lol...I should have it on tape as many times as I have said it to her.

 

[cathiann]

My DS is like that so much--except that he stops trying if he can't get it right away--drives me batty!

Anyway, I would either respond with "what do your coaches think you need to work on?" or even "What are YOU trying to improve?" And follow up with an encouraging talk about how tough gymnastics is--because perfection is the goal and no one can ever get that--you just have to keep working at things and improve little by little. When she cries that she's trying as hard as she can, respond with "I know! And look at how much you've improved--last year you couldn't do..... and next year you'll probably look back at be amazed you had trouble with ....." Let her see that she IS making improvements.

I have to ask--have you watched a practice so you can see if she's getting positive feedback too? She sounds like my oldest DD--where she only notices the negatives (you aren't doing this right) and not picking up when they tell her she's doing a great job (actually, in all fairness, my oldest DD has outgrown that--and now will come home telling me what her HS coaches have told her she's doing great at).

 

[ZJsMom]

I know how hard that can be. My ds is a lot like that--in my opinion they don't pay his teachers and coaches enough! My advice, as other have said, would be mostly leave it to the coaches. If you want to help her identify things to work on, I would approach it by telling her everything she did right and then picking one or maybe two of the easiest things to fix.

 

[NotAMom]

I have another one like that too. That other one is not so much.

I might be wrong but I don't think your child is having trouble receiving criticism but rather she is acting out her frustration. Furthermore, I think that sort of behavior is more typical towards the parents. Parents are convenient targets. When my kids get frustrated whether at school or in a sport, they don't take it out on the teachers or the coaches. But, when they get home, watch out.

That is why I don't home schooling works in general -- mostly due to personality clashes and less-than-real mutual expectations. Many sports do not encourage parents instructing or coaching their own kids (or between bf/gf or s.o. etc.) for that reason.

 

[momof5]

Thanks for all the replies. I always sandwich any correction I give with positive before and after. Frequently when I do say something postive to her she rips that apart too and explains and finds fault in what she did. I do occasionally see practice and I know that her coaches are usually postitive with her. That one of the things that I love about our gym. I am glad to know that DD is not the only one out there that can't handle not being perfect. Now if only her teacher and I can survive 3rd grade math meltdowns.

 

[snowbound]

try getting her on video. Works great for my DD! Instead of giving her any criticism, I let her watch it and narrate for me. I found she works much harder at correcting her mistakes if she sees what they look like. Might not work for everyone, but has definitely helped us.

Snowbound