Parents DD is too competitive - help

[HappyMom]

It sounds like you are already doing everything you can as a parent to help her with this. Sounds like it is just going to be one of those things where she is going to need time to gain the maturity which will come with life lessons when she begins to experience not always winning. And team should help with this too, as there will be others who are good and by nature of team vs. rec classes there will be much more focus on doing things with perfect form vs. quickly.

In reading your reply to the comments, I just want to say--keep doing what you're doing. It sounds like she's learning and maturing.

Thanks so much!!

 

[Deleted member D3987]

Hi everyone! I'm new here and am so excited to have a great place to ask questions and learn. My DD's are both in rec gymnastics (young 6 and young 4), having just started gymnastics this year. Oldest DD has taken to gymnastics like a duck to water (and will be moving to pre-team this summer). I constantly overhear the coaches talking to each other about how talented she is, how she could be an Olympian if she could just harness her energy (which made me laugh - I have no dreams of raising the next star on the Olympics, just someone who may have found one of her passions), how strong she is, etc. I'm not trying to be a CGM and all braggy (promise!!), but just giving some back story...it will feed into my question, I promise.

My DD is naturally athletic (she gets it from her daddy) and is super strong/good at most everything she tries - soccer (star of team), track (constantly beats everyone), gymnastics (she picks it up super quickly). She's always good at whatever she tries.

Which leads into my question. She's so super competitive. It's ridiculous. Seriously. If she isn't winning in a race against me or husband, she gets frustrated, sometimes quits, and tells us it's not fair because we're older than her (she's super fast though) - same with racing kids. She's used to beating everyone, even kids that are 2-3 years older than her. If she doesn't score enough goals or a goal in soccer (a number set by her...never us), she gets frustrated and sometimes cries. In gymnastics class, if another girl is moving down the balance beam faster doing whatever skill they're practicing, even if DD#1 is doing the skill cleaner and better, then she gets frustrated b/c "X is just trying to beat me and get to the end of the beam first" or, if on the floor, "X is just trying to do her cartwheels faster than me" (even if DD's cartwheels are beautiful - toes pointed, legs straight, clean form, etc).

They have been talking about wanting to move her to pre-team (they say she's definitely talented enough, as well as fearless, strong, willing to try new things, etc). However, they're concerned about her competitiveness. Which is absolutely fair. If it helped make her a better gymnast, that's one thing, but she is so worried about being first to finish, that she stops focusing on form, doing it right, etc to just get it done.

I will say that we've never let her win at anything. She has to earn it. Letting kids win only does them a disservice. So when we play Candy Land, Memory, Uno, races, soccer, etc - she has to win on her own. We've never catered to the crying, so what on earth???

I need suggestions and ideas - how do I curb the super competitiveness????

They're having team tryouts and they suggested DD try out (she won't be making team...but it will help place kids in the correctly level on pre-team, I guess). I know she LOVES gymnastics, but I want to curb this crazy competitiveness early before it becomes a bigger deal than it already is (and it's a kind of big deal. I'm over it.) This post is very rambly and I'm sorry, but I need help/suggestions!

she has difficult character. you're born that way. good coaches will be able to channel that in a good direction. just look at Mustafina.

 

[NewtoGym]

What's wrong with letting your 4, 5, or 6-year-old win candyland??? I never heard this parenting rule!

 

[HappyMom]

What's wrong with letting your 4, 5, or 6-year-old win candyland??? I never heard this parenting rule!

I guess I shouldn't say we never let her win, especially when she was younger, but it wasn't every game. So - a better way to phrase it would be that we didn't let her ALWAYS win. As she has gotten older, we don't "let" her win anymore. Unless it's a game like Scrabble Jr - then we *may* only use smaller words that are her age appropriate and point out when she could have played differently to score more points. But games of luck just play out as they should. Games of skill - we use to teach her critical thinking (Uno, Scrabble Jr., etc).

The theory behind it is that if you always let your child win, then they don't understand HOW to lose (and lose graciously) and they come to always expect to win. In the real world, they're not always going to win and they should learn how to win and lose with grace.

Yes, winning boosts self esteem, but if (as a parent) you always let your child win, then you're giving them an inflated sense of self and, in a way, doing them a disservice when they face a "real" opponent in life.

Not saying it always works. Not at all. *looking at my child* lol

But she has gotten better and I'm hopeful that, as she matures, it will continue to improve.

 

[Kiwi]

I think she will be fine because you are so aware of what is going on and already doing your best to help her learn what she needs to learn. She is very young and your good parenting will make the difference so she won't become a princess/'Betty'.

 

[MaryA]

What's wrong with letting your 4, 5, or 6-year-old win candyland??? I never heard this parenting rule!

Nothing if it makes the game END SOONER! Geeze Louise... I remember thinking, "If we all get sent back to the hot fudge swamp (or whatever it was... Lucky for me, it's been awhile) ONE MORE TIME mommy is going to need another glass of wine..."

 

[NewtoGym]

We think alike MaryA!!!

Nothing if it makes the game END SOONER! Geeze Louise... I remember thinking, "If we all get sent back to the hot fudge swamp (or whatever it was... Lucky for me, it's been awhile) ONE MORE TIME mommy is going to need another glass of wine..."

 

[OzZee]

Lol, we never play it with the go back bit, you can go forward to one of the things but not back. Makes for a much quicker game!

 

[emorymom]

We have a friend who is a swimmer and all her daughter needs to do is touch the wall first. My daughter often says, "mom, that's easy compared to gymnastics.

I agree!

What the .......?

 

[gymmomtotwo]

What the .......?

I agree. As a former swimmer and with two kids immersed in the sport, it's not easy to be first! And instead of a session of 40 kids to compete against like a gymnastics meet, there are usually over a hundred you are competing against. And there's no such thing as feel good medals for everyone and goody bags!

 

[Deleted member D3987]

and they bump their heads against the wall...

 

[OzZee]

What the .......?

I took it as her dd feels that just having the one aim of finishing first and touching the wall is 'easier' than the thought of nailing each skill in a gymnastics routine. Not that swimming is easier, but I agree the aim is easier, to win the race.

 

[emorymom]

I took it as her dd feels that just having the one aim of finishing first and touching the wall is 'easier' than the thought of nailing each skill in a gymnastics routine. Not that swimming is easier, but I agree the aim is easier, to win the race.

Then let it be clear that every event in a swim meet involves attempting to nail to the best of one's ability a complex series of skills, trying to do each skill with better form and power than they have before, and generally at some point in the race with a fairly high level of pain. These are skills the swimmer is honing in practice. Do you know what a "breaststroke pull out" is? Are you aware that if they do not fall within certain execution parameters they will be DQ'd?

 

[OzZee]

Then let it be clear that every event in a swim meet involves attempting to nail to the best of one's ability a complex series of skills, trying to do each skill with better form and power than they have before, and generally at some point in the race with a fairly high level of pain. These are skills the swimmer is honing in practice. Do you know what a "breaststroke pull out" is? Are you aware that if they do not fall within certain execution parameters they will be DQ'd?

Woah!!!!!!!!

 

[emorymom]

Y'all are cool, we all get pwn'd at some point bwaaa haa. And Ryan Lochte's dry land career choices haven't exactly been lending a lot of credibility lately to the idea that brains and concentration are involved in swimming.

 

[Muddlethru]

What the .......?

I agree. Although it is without question, gymnastics requires a lot more skills to master than any other sport, every sport has its own degree of difficulty and danger. I remember my husband who played college football and rugby saying, he often had to pop a handful of aspirins constantly to relieve him of the pain from daily headaches and bodyaches due to his helmet and the daily pounding, running into each other, etc. And while soccer may seem easy enough, the competition is enormous. A lot goes into every sport than what a mere spectator sees and each sport has its own hurdles. I love gymnastics and I do get offended when people who know very little about the sport make unjustified comments about it. As such i give all sports the repect they deserve. To OP, I know your daughter's comment was innocent enough. I have 4 kids who excel in their respective sports and they know better than to claim their sport is the hardest or the best.

 

[gymmomtotwo]

Then let it be clear that every event in a swim meet involves attempting to nail to the best of one's ability a complex series of skills, trying to do each skill with better form and power than they have before, and generally at some point in the race with a fairly high level of pain. These are skills the swimmer is honing in practice. Do you know what a "breaststroke pull out" is? Are you aware that if they do not fall within certain execution parameters they will be DQ'd?

To do swimming right does take years on stroke, turn and start work, some very complex. My little gymnast can do amazing tricks for a child her age, but for the life of her can't even begin to manage the mechanics of a freestyle flip turn (much less a backstroke) much to her extreme frustration...... Anyway, gymnastics amazes me. It is so much fun to watch the progression of my little gymnast, but the sport comparisons don't sit well with me either after my many years and hours of exhausting 30 hours a week of swimming training with 2 a day swim practices. Gymnastics is amazing with the strength the athlete attains, swimming for the incredible cardiovascular condition of the athletes. Both great sports.