Parents First Taste Of Jealousy

[Shelovesthebars]

I guess I am slow because it took me almost 24 hours to realize that one of the moms in my 4 year old's class is jealous. My daughter just this week moved into her second day of training with the level 3/4's who will be going on to try out for the level 4 team in March. They are 6 or are turning six this month for the most part. When we showed up for class, the mom looked at me and asked with a panicked look if my DD was in their class now. One of my good friends at the gym and also the owner of an awesome dance studio spoke up for me. ( Her daughter is also in the class.) She said yes that my DD was and she was better than all of them last year and they where holding her back intentionally because of her age. Her words, not mine. Stuff gets around at the gym, I guess. And thank God for this mom for speaking up and nipping it in the bud. I think she realized at the time where this mom was headed and has lots of experience dealing with this. But now that I am home and realize what actually could have been ugly on the other parents part, is this just a taste of what is to come? I am not the jealous type and I love for all the kids to succeed. I know from experience with my other kids that sometimes they are going to have good days and bad days but in the end you just want them to enjoy what they are doing and feel proud of their accomplishments. I have not had a bad experience at my gym before this because the moms that I talk to are all supportive of each other. I know this girl will be moving on in 2 months to compete level 4 and I think that is great. She has worked really hard and deserves it! I hope her mom lets her enjoy it. I feel bad that the mom feels threatened by a 4 year old but if she is going to survive the competition field, she better toughen up. No kid is going to be the best every time and that goes for my DD too. We are not even competing yet so doesn't this seem like overkill?

 

[sheplaysinthechalk]

Unfortunately, these types of parents are present in all sports, i think.

I also had a similar experience as you discussed. My dd started team at 3 1/2 years old. We are in a small gym where (at the time) the entire team worked out together.

There was a parent who had a daughter about a year and a half older than mine. Her dd was also invited to team. The woman never really said anything to me personally about my dd being on team, but she would make comments to her daughter like "well if she can do it, then you should be able to do it a hundred times better. what's wrong with you? you're gonna let a 3 year old show you up? I would be embarrassed if I were you. Wait till we get home and daddy finds out that you're letting a 3 year old be better than you" She would say lots of other things, using my dd's accomplishments to belittle her child. It was awful. I felt so bad for the kid. Keep in mind that she wasn't even 5 years old yet - still a preschooler. I sheltered my daughter from this woman as best as I possibly could. They are still in our gym, but our children are no longer training the same level. (thankfully)

I just wish that parents like this would sit back and relax, just be their kid's BIGGEST fan. It's the kid's sport - not theirs. They need to realize that they can't force progression, they can't wave a wand and make it to the olympics, and treating their child that way is only destroying the kid's love for the sport. Can't they just be happy that their child is having fun, learning gymnastics, and...life skills?

 

[MdGymMom01]

Welcome to the wonderful world of competitive gymnastics...

Unfortunately, there are many parents out there that are very competitive and jealous. And it filters down to their kids, unfortunately. And it happens in every sport. My dd went through this last year when she was 10 with one of her teammates. It got to the point where the other teammate was so jealous of my dd, that she resorted to psychological sabotage at meets. This teammate would say mean, nasty and hurtful things to my dd to break her concentration and confidence. But, things worked out in the end because this family moved to another gym and they are out of our hair. Unfortunately, probably causing drama for another family.

It is a shame that the jealosy has to rear its ugly head because gymnastics is the one sport where everyone can do their best and everyone has their time to shine. Stay away from these negative people and stay out of the gym as well. It seems like the jeaolus parents are the ones that stay and watch every minute of practice keeping tabs on everybody's kids and their skills and then comparing them. A recipe for disaster if you ask me. DON'T GET SUCKED INTO THE DRAMA.

Afterall, it is just gymnastics.

 

[Tumblequeensmom]

I just want to play "Devil's advocate" here for a second. I'm assuming that you have had no previous contact with this mom??? I was just wondering if maybe she was surprised to see a tiny, little girl come walking into the class? I know I've seen the little ones come in (in the past)... and asked the same question... all in innocence... just surprised that a tiny one can keep up! But I too, was supportive for ALL the girls on Katy's team, and we'd cheer for ALL of them at meets!

I would really hate to think that at such a young age, that the old nasty competitiveness is already there?!?!

We all know the nastiness exists in this sport (as in most competive ones I might add!). Katy is now doing Prep Optional (loving it) and her high school team. I have to say... even on the high school team, there are parents who are sooooo ugly and competitive. These moms seem to be the ones whose daughters are still doing the USAG programs tho. Even going so far as to say, "oh, my daughter is NOT going to do High School next year b/c she HATES it because it's not as competitive." Hmmmm.... what high school girl would NOT like placing in the top 3, getting their names in the newspapers, etc.?

So... you see.... it never ends! You just need to put it all in perspective and enjoy the ride, I guess!

 

[Shelovesthebars]

Tumblequeensmom, we have had contact with this mom before but nothing negative. My DD and her daughter were in the first level preteam class for a short time last year before her daughter got moved up. I think the mom just lost perspective yesterday. Her daughter is going to be moving up to competetion level 4 in 2 months. I think when she saw my DD walk in, she must have felt like she was moving back a step. She asked me last week if my daughter was trying out for level 4 competion team. I told her my daughter was only 4 and you have to be 6 to compete level 4. From what I hear her daughter had a tough transition from last year to this year. Her daughter looks great at practice so maybe her mom was just stressing about upcoming tryouts. What she doesn't realize I guess is that our girls will not be the same level because of the age difference.

 

[coachinkal]

I agree with MdGymMom01 "It seems like the jeaolus parents are the ones that stay and watch every minute of practice keeping tabs on everybody's kids and their skills and then comparing them. A recipe for disaster if you ask me. DON'T GET SUCKED INTO THE DRAMA. "


There is also the parent who rarely watches the gym class, doesn't see that their child is falling behind and then complains/make nasty comments when their child is not moved up.

 

[NOG]

I agree with MdGymMom01 "It seems like the jeaolus parents are the ones that stay and watch every minute of practice keeping tabs on everybody's kids and their skills and then comparing them. A recipe for disaster if you ask me. DON'T GET SUCKED INTO THE DRAMA. "


There is also the parent who rarely watches the gym class, doesn't see that their child is falling behind and then complains/make nasty comments when their child is not moved up.

Unfortunately, some of us have no choice but to stick around at practices. The commute for us makes driving back and forth hard (and not worth it most days). SO, most days I'm stuck sitting at the gym (can only run so many errands in a town that you don't live in) and can only work out at the local YMCA for so long. Needless to say, I end up sitting in the lobby a LOT, but I never analyze every girl in the gym. I do notice a lot, but not because I'm trying to, just because I'm there and there's isnt' anything to do. I read a book and play on the ipod some (sometimes more than others), but that gets boring too. I really only drive back and forth if one of my other kids has a basketball/football/volleyball game to go watch. Otherwise, economics (gas) demands that I sit in that lobby and wait out the practice. I recently joined the Y in the same town as the gym, and am loving that. It is great to get out of the gym (does my mental status wonders to get away from the lobby), but I can only exercise so much. I'm not in THAT great of shape, lol..

Please do not lump ALL parents in the lobby every practice into one mold. Some of us have no real options other than sitting there, and would rather not be lumped into the crazy/obsessive/super competitive category.

 

[MdGymMom01]

Unfortunately, some of us have no choice but to stick around at practices. The commute for us makes driving back and forth hard (and not worth it most days). SO, most days I'm stuck sitting at the gym (can only run so many errands in a town that you don't live in) and can only work out at the local YMCA for so long. Needless to say, I end up sitting in the lobby a LOT, but I never analyze every girl in the gym. I do notice a lot, but not because I'm trying to, just because I'm there and there's isnt' anything to do. I read a book and play on the ipod some (sometimes more than others), but that gets boring too. I really only drive back and forth if one of my other kids has a basketball/football/volleyball game to go watch. Otherwise, economics (gas) demands that I sit in that lobby and wait out the practice. I recently joined the Y in the same town as the gym, and am loving that. It is great to get out of the gym (does my mental status wonders to get away from the lobby), but I can only exercise so much. I'm not in THAT great of shape, lol..

Please do not lump ALL parents in the lobby every practice into one mold. Some of us have no real options other than sitting there, and would rather not be lumped into the crazy/obsessive/super competitive category.

Sorry to make it sound like I was lumping all parents that stay and watch into a mold. That wasn't my intention at all. I was trying to say that sometimes "too much knowledge" of this sport (scores, skills, what is needed to move up) in the wrong hands can lead some people to over analyze and compare which can lead to jealousy.

Sorry for the confusion.

 

[ellabella]

I had to read your post several times and still couldn't see how her comment indicated she was jealous or upset by your DD's presence. My DD was always the little one in the group and still is. I've had several parents say exactly what that women said. I've never took it negatively. To me the negative part was what the other women said back as a response. That seemed like drama to me. Why say something ugly like and yeah she's better than everyone else? How about something polite like "Yeah isn't it great that our gym has such talented ones coming up?" I know you didn't say it so it's not your fault what her response was.

This is not related to you, but just a comment in general. I get jealous as a parent and I don't think there's anything wrong with it. Sure I get jealous when another girl gets something that my DD has been working hard for. When she competes I'm sure I'll get jealous of girls that are better than her. I think the problem comes in how you deal with the jealousy. I would never say anything mean to my kid or another parent or about another kid. It's a human emotion that we all feel. Just my two cents.

 

[NOG]

Sorry to make it sound like I was lumping all parents that stay and watch into a mold. That wasn't my intention at all. I was trying to say that sometimes "too much knowledge" of this sport (scores, skills, what is needed to move up) in the wrong hands can lead some people to over analyze and compare which can lead to jealousy.

Sorry for the confusion.

I know that's not what you were meaning MdGymMom01, you're too sweet for that. I just wanted others reading the thread to know that we're not all bad or crazy obsessive about our dds gymnastics just because we're stuck in the the gym. I wasn't trying to scold you for your post, I agree, some are crazy! If they weren't already, sitting there can drive ya crazy. That's why I treasure my YMCA time while she's practicing (dh's job situation is secure now, so I was finally able to join, and it has done wonders for my mental status, lol).

 

[Bobby]

I had to read your post several times and still couldn't see how her comment indicated she was jealous or upset by your DD's presence....To me the negative part was what the other women said back as a response. That seemed like drama to me. Why say something ugly like and yeah she's better than everyone else? How about something polite like "Yeah isn't it great that our gym has such talented ones coming up?" I know you didn't say it so it's not your fault what her response was. This is not related to you, but just a comment in general....

This is exactly what went through my mind when I read the original post. Given that so many others seemed to get what you were saying and sympathise with it I just kept my thoughts to myself. But I'm relieved someone else had the same reaction as I did.
I thought the way the dance teacher went to the trouble of telling the surprised mother how much better your DD was than hers (given they were in the same group last year) was spiteful and unnecesary (and in her shoes I would have interpreted the pointless detail about why your toddler wasn't moved up sooner to mean your DD should have been moved up before hers).
I suspect if the surprised woman had been genuinely jealous or in any way negative it wouldn't have taken you 24 hours to realise it. I honestly thought it more likely you took 24 hours to rationalise the behaviour of the dance teacher who you think so highly of.
... unless there's a lot more context and conversation that I have totally missed??

 

[cheryl1960]

Hi, Unfortunately many parents get caught up in the "my child can do this, can yours" mentality. In my experience each child is unique, and will develop skills at different times. Just because a child can do a great round off back handspring at age 5 does not make them an olympic hopeful. In fact many children get turned off on the sport because they get pushed too much at a young age.
I try to stay away from the gym during practice, and when we go to meets I cheer for all the girls on the team. I have had the experience of not being able to go home during practice because it's too far to drive, but tried to stay away as much as I could. We are at a gym now where many parents stay for the entire practice and push and coach their kids in between but this is not for me. (I am fortunate now and live 10 mins away, so I can drop off and pick up.) They tell me when I go to pick up my daughter how she did, how much she cried, and I smile and say "thankyou". I am Mom, I am there when she needs to vent, cry, talk, whatever else she needs. I am not a coach- I could barely even do a handstand-EVER! I go to each meet and I am proud of my child whatever she does-I could never do what she does in a million years. To me it's important that my daughter defines herself for who she is first not how she shapes up compared to other girls at the gym. She does very well as a gymnast and won her floor and AA state last year.
I have tried to teach my daughter good sportsmanship and to smile and applaud the gymnasts who win the awards,even if she didnt get any this time- to save the tears for the car ride home. And yes I do push her, and I tell her all the pros and cons and dedication needed to be a top level gymnast, but I do this when we are at home, relaxed and just talking without the pressure of being at the gym or at a meet.
It is tough as a parent because of course you want your child to well, and who wouldn't want their daughter do do better than the other girls. But, you have to ask yourself,"how is my child taking this?" Am I proud/upset for me or my child? It seems to me that many parents live their dream through their child, and when they don't "perform" well it's a personal failure. However, most kids get over it quickly and move on.
Ultimately the individual doing the sport is the one who has to decide how much work, sacrifice, enjoyment they want out of it and as parents we here to encourage, and provide the means.

 

[coachinkal]

It seems like the jeaolus parents are the ones that stay and watch every minute of practice keeping tabs on everybody's kids and their skills and then comparing them. A recipe for disaster if you ask me. DON'T GET SUCKED INTO THE DRAMA.

I certainly did not read this as every parent. The comment actually says those parents that stay AND ....

My response did not mean every parent.

As a coach I have experienced situations that come into both of the categories described. However this is certainly not all parents. It is only a handfull.

I suppose as a coach it is the bad situations that I remember as they are so negative.

 

[NOG]

I certainly did not read this as every parent. The comment actually says those parents that stay AND ....

My response did not mean every parent.

As a coach I have experienced situations that come into both of the categories described. However this is certainly not all parents. It is only a handfull.

I suppose as a coach it is the bad situations that I remember as they are so negative.

LOL, the negatives always seem stick in our minds more. Guess that's why I wanted to make sure that anyone reading the board didn't assume that any parent sitting around in the lobby all the time was crazy, heehee. I knew that you didn't mean EVERY parent in the lobby, I just wanted to make sure that others understood that there are other reasons that parents stick around the gym (not just pushy ones who want to analyze every kid). Don't get me wrong, I too have encountered the crazier ones (and what they push on their dds). The crazies are out there, I just think that there really aren't that many. We just remember the 1 crazy in the gym more than the 10 who aren't. It's human nature. Please don't think that I was trying to admonish you, I really wasn't. Just wanted to make sure (especially to newbie parents) that if you see a parent watching all the time- most of us aren't there for ill intentions, just the circumstances we deal with.

Hopefully the crazies you've had to deal with don't out-number the sane ones! That would stink. Hopefully those crazies are few in number and not all at one time, lol.

 

[pixie flips]

It just boggles my mind why this mom would be concerned when her DD is moving to L4 in 2 months and your daughter can't compete L4 for 2 more years! Is she so concerned about your daughter being in her daughters class for 2 months??? That's just irrational on her part....maybe I'm missing something

 

[Shelovesthebars]

Pixieflips- My thoughts exactly. Perspective is always important.
I guess in my original post I didn't convey how rude and nasty the first mom was when she asked about my daughter. I guess I was just so suprised by what came out of the other moms mouth in response that I focused on that. I have never seen her like that before and I know her better than the other mom. I have not been back to the gym since because we have been in California at a wedding. I don't really know about most moms but I live too far away from the gym to go home because her classes are preteam and short but in the summer I plan to take the other kids to a park nearby. When I watch anyone in the gym it tends to be the elites. We have 5 or 6 of them and they are fun to watch and are always there when my daughter has a class. Mostly I am watching my other kids because they can't just run around and wreak havoc at the gym. So, I am lucky to see much more than a few minutes of class. I know my daughter loves it. She is happy and progressing. I don't know if she will continue to progress but right now it is "her thing" and I will continue to bring her to classes. I have no expectations and I am sure at 4 years old, she doesn't either. Our gym is very selective about who makes competitive team so we will cross that bridge if the time comes. If she sticks with it and makes the team, great. If she sticks with it and doesn't make the team there are many other options. If she doesn't stick with it, it will have been her choice so that is ok too. Thanks for all your posts.
As far as jealousy goes, people do exerience it as a normal human emotion. I guess it is just how you handle. I guess I just don't really think the mom understands her DD is moving on and mine will not be.