Parents girls working it out for themselves ... or not

[emorymom]

My young 6 year old is experiencing a bit of relational aggression from a young 9 year old in her level. It has been going on since she joined the group in late summer, but I think with the pressure of meet season is something my daughter should have help with in some form at this point (from me, or her coach, on accepting flaws in others, or being assertive ...? I'm out of my element).

She was in tears about it the night after the meet, about things that went on during the meet (in the bathroom mainly), and while I think it was mostly about A REALLY LONG DAY, it does mean I think I have to make sure she feels emotionally able to handle such an important environment in her life.

I know it is common wisdom to let the girls work it out for themselves. Am I being overprotective to think that at 6, it might be a bit much to expect her to properly relate to a girl almost 3 years older with some RA issues? I feel like they live in different worlds.

How old is too old of a teammate for a 6 year old to have to handle on her own? No age too old? 8? 9? 10? 12?

 

[Aussie_coach]

I think 6 is too young to be expected to handle it on her own and stand up to a 9 year old. If it was another 6 year old maybe, but to a kid that small a 9 year old is huge and scary. This is a situation I would definitely intervene in.

 

[UnoMas]

Hi,

I'm not sure I have any good advice for you, but I can relate a bit. My almost-6-year-old has recently been put in a group of older girls (8-9 and older) and has increased her hours...a lot. I have been keeping a very close eye on her. I have seen the older girls cut in line, come very close to pushing her out of the way, and not always talk so nicely to her. My daughter is not an assertive type, she is shy, and she is FIVE. So, I feel the need to make sure the adjustment period is going ok for her.

My approach has been to talk to the coaches in an informal way, reminding them that she is not quite six and she may need a little extra attention/supervision. That has worked and I think the coaches are even trying to get the older girls to "mother" her a little. There is one certain girl who I watch closely...nothing too serious has happened but I am keeping an eye on it.

I guess what I am trying to say, and I don't know your daughter, her maturity level, her ability to express herself, etc...but a 6 year old is much different socially and developmentally than a 9 year old and I don't believe it is appropriate for that 9 year old to be a bully in the way you are describing. Nor do I think that this is behavior that a coach should allow. It is hard though too if you have not seen the incidents with your own eyes because I think even a mature 6 yr old might have some trouble describing things accurately. It depends on what is actually happening but if your daughter is that upset then I think it needs to be addressed with an adult at the gym in some form. It would be a little different as to what I would do if the ages were closer. Some things DO need to be worked out among the girls themselves. But if it were my daughter then this would be something I would ask the adults at the gym to intervene in.

I hope this helps. I am lousy at advice but happy to share what I might do if it were my kid! Good luck! I hope it can get worked out soon.

 

[Shelovesthebars]

The age difference is too much of a gap for your dd to completely handle this situation on her own. I have had a little experience handling this with my dd. She has always been the youngest with kids sometimes twice her age. However, when they cut the line she gets right back where she was supposed to be and I can see her talking to the kids after and they don't do it again. She had enough of it when she was 3 (now she is 4) and has fiqured this out on her own. However, when my dd came back from a broken wrist recently, I had to intervene in the middle of a class. This girl in her class was 3 years older and at least double in size and repeatedly pushed her off of the bar. I did not need her to rebrake her wrist. Fortunately, we are no longer in that class. Oh, and the coach reprimanded the girl.

 

[Monkeygirlsmom]

I have a 9 yr old who is in a group with a lot of younger kids! I would be soo frutrated if I saw her doing this to younger kids! To behonest she would be sitting out and watching and such! But I know she is the one who "takes care" of younger ones!

I also have my younger dd in with the older kids and feel lucky that her and 1 other girl do good with all them (mind you the other girl is a coaches dd and coach is there a lot) anyhow I would def be talking with the coaches and letting them know what is going on your dd is very young to be taking things like that all on her own!

 

[emandelsmom]

I am the mom of a 10 year old and a 6 year old. There should be no teasing. The older girls need to act in a sisterly way to the younger ones. That is how it works on our team. Misbehavior is not tolerated. Her coaches need to be aware of it. My 6 year old has been the youngest for a few years. She has never been teased except by her big sis in a normal big sis way. But the girls do not pick on each other and need not to. Please let her coaches know..

 

[Panda-girl's Mom]

Interesting thread since we have recently have been experiencing some of this gym drama with my daughters group. In her case it is a totally different situation she is with other girls her age who are between 9-12. My daughter was complaining that one of her team mates kept calling her name and tapping the beam when she is taking her turn. She said she does it only when certain coaches are there. I really do not like to get involved in the girls drama so I told my daughter to talk to the girl and tell her to stop well so far my daughter said this worked.
In your case your daughter is 6 and the other girl is 9, I would definitely get involved by talking to the parent or the coaches. I think at 6 is to young to expect your daughter to handle this on her own.

 

[Swiftli]

Thank you. I have to say I had never heard the name "relational aggression", so I googled it. Seems there are some nice websites with resources. I am going to check them out.

My DD is 8 and Lvl 6. She is the youngest on the team with most being 10 to 15. The beginning of the season she would come home crying that this one particular girls was "mean" to her and called her names. I actually witnessed this girl do her meaness once, she is lucky I had restraint. It has changed alot over time, once all the personalities started to meld together and the girls started to bond as a team.

Anywho...my daughter already suffers self esteem issues and is afraid of being laughed at and ridiculed so this girl didn't help.

Standing up for herself at 8 is difficult, I can't imagine at 6.

IMO, I don't have confidence that a coach can control "mean" girls behaviors. They will always find a way to be mean if that is their nature. At any age, we need to try to instill self preservation skills in our girls so they can shut down these bullies for themselves.

 

[cathiann]

I agree with most of the posters--at 6 she is too young to be expected to stand up for herself against someone 3 yrs old than she is. And I do think you need to let the coaches know about what's going on--they may not be able to stop it entirely, but they can definitely let the girls know that this behavior is NOT acceptable and will not be tolerated.

 

[mariposa]

I agree that you should step in in this situation. Abby has dealt with this, both in groups with girls older than her and in a group with girls her age. She has been able to deal with it by herself so far. But it has never had her in tears, etc. I think it depends on the situation.

Found this article and it was very interesting.

Link Removed

 

[bookworm]

"Relational Aggression" is a fancy way to say bullying and bullying at any age should not be tolerated. This bully should be spoken to by someone in a position of authority (i.e.coach, owner of gym) or she will just continue her behavior.

A good book on the subject (especially as a mom to girls) is "Queen Bees and Wannabees".

 

[pixie flips]

I agree with those who say this should not be tolerated. When nothing is done about the kids that bully the other gymmies it empowers them. This happened in Pixie's gym recently and came to a head about 3 weeks ago.

There is one little girl who is new to L4 this year that is flat out terrorizing the girls. I didn't realize this was going on until I went to Pixie's practice out of the blue. I sat throughthe whole practice and what I saw from this girl, I didn't like.

So, I questioned Pixie about it on the way home.

The other little girl would not let Pixie take her turn on bars. Her gym has a progression of 3 bars and a set of pitbars next to them, that they rotate on. Pixie and this other girl were on the very last set of bars, the one without a coach. This other little girl would take her turn and when she would dismount get back up on the block and push Pixie off so that Pixie couldn't take her turn. This happened 4 times in row and every time the girl would push Pixie off the block.

I asked Pixie on our way home if this girl pushes her often and she said yes. I asked her if she stands up for herself and she said yes she tells her to stop. I asked her if she lets the coaches know this girl is pushing her and she said yes and they tell her to stop but she said they normally don't see her. So what more can a child do when they tell someone to stop, report it to the coaches with no relief? I told her not to ever let somebody put their hands on you, you stand up for yourself. But, realisticly what is this shy little girl gonna do about a much bigger aggressive girl?

The very next week Pixie came home with the news that the girl punched her in the arm. Knowing how aggressive this other girl is I can be certain it wasn't a love tap. I was raging mad!! I asked her if she was the only target of this other girl and she said no that she hits all the other girls that just before she hit Pixie she saw this girl punch two other girls in the locker room! She also reported that the girl verbally abuses one of the other girls in L4 every practice and that the other child is left leaving practice in tears all the time!

At first I was angry, then I felt guilty, then I just got angry again, lol! I called the coach that takes care of things in the gym and told her what was happening. I explained that Pixie would not be going back to gymnastics until this was settled. In fact, Pixie missed two practices. The coach was very progressive about everything and upset too. Thankfully. She got right on top of the issue and took care of it.

There has not been another problem since.

This type of behavior needs to be nipped, quick before it gets to the point that it did in our gym. No child should be allowed to terrorize the other gymmies to the point of making gymnastics a miserable experience. It's supposed to be fun! They're supposed to make memories they'll cherish for a lifetime. Not memories of dread and being picked on.

Sorry so long winded. This is just an issue I am particularly passionate about since it just happened to Pixie a few weeks ago.