Parents Good days/Bad days and trusting the process...

[Jen H.]

Hi all,

New TCB as a poster, but a long time lurker.

My daughter Jaden (8 yo) is developmental level 5 at her gym and their competitive season is rapidly approaching.
She trains for 12 hours/3 days a week at her club. She started taking rec. classes about a year and half ago, was moved to pre-team, and then team.
Her first "real" meet is in October (she has done some in-house "fun meets").

How do you handle it when you child is very hard on herself? She will say things like "I am the only one who can't do a *insert skill*.
Sometimes after a rough day at gym she can be pretty intolerable and hard to talk to. After a good day at gym, she is as high as a kite. Fortunately we have more good days than bad.

She has amazing flexibility, and once she gets a skill, she pretty much has it. But she is often one of the last ones to gain a skill in her group.

I have found myself giving her platitudes like "the turtle wins the raise", and to just keep giving it her best, and reminding her just how much she improved in a few short months over the summer. But then I start to second guess myself at times when I hear that other girls are taking supplemental tumbling or ballet classes. I am trying so hard to be supportive, and not feed into the insanity that seems to have taken hold of some of the other parents, but in all honesty it is hard!

I have complete faith in her coaches and their program, but it is hard knowing how to deal with with a frustrated child who is so hard on herself. I want to do all that I can to support her, but man, it is hard sometimes!

Any wise words of wisdom, sage advice, or just tell me to STHU and let her do her thing?!

 

[Iwannabemargo]

sounds like my Mini-me ! She gets sooooo frustrated, she has only been doing gym for under 2 years and is now on team (age 7 3/4) and trains with the older girls. If she doesn't get a skill or win a comp she is like bear with a sore head. We just tell her the truth - on the day girl A was better than you, so just practice hard and one day you will be better than her ! - now stop mithering and cheer up !

I think thats all you can do - its a good life lesson that you will not always suceed straight away, but with ahrd work you will.

margo

 

[gymmomntc2e6]

I think gymnasts are hard on themselves in general. My DD gets like that as well. She has a couple of girls on her team who almost always do very well. On her 'bad' days I hear things like 'I'm the worst on the team' & 'i must suck'. I explain that some things come easier to you, some to them. Just continue to do your best, the rest will come. She is normally fine the next morning. It is very hard as her mom to see her like that. I don't really know how to make her feel better about herself other than to hug her & tell to just be the best that SHE can be & not worryabout the others. Easier said than done though.

 

[lhmom]

My daughter started competing last year (level 4) and was more often than not, the last one to get a skill. Sometimes, I found it more effective to ask one of the optional girls that she admired to give her some encouragement than for me to say something. Another approach I would take was to ask what she did accomplish or felt she improved on during the practice. I also did this with meets as well. They will be hard on themselves though-just the nature of most gymnasts, I think. I can't think of one "laid back" gymnast that I have met, LOL! Good luck to her as she starts her 1st meet season.

 

[sleeping judy]

She has amazing flexibility, and once she gets a skill, she pretty much has it. But she is often one of the last ones to gain a skill in her group.

That sounds so much like my dd. It took her a year to get her front hip circle, but once she got it, she got it. Last year she was much more happy go lucky and didn't really care when she got the skills or not... until meet season arrived. Then she started to put pressure on herself and get upset. She ended up getting the hip circle halfway through the season.

This summer she did a lot of "I'm the last one to ..." She also cried a lot if she didn't get something perfectly. I think now that she knows the judging and how scores go she is more aware and less accepting of herself when she makes errors. I alwasy use the walking comparison. I tell her that some people learn to walk when they are 9 months and some are way over a year old. Then I point out a bunch of people and say "When do you think he started walking? What about her?" Then she gets that it doesn't matter when you get the skill because once you master it, it doesn't matter who got it first.

Another thing I do is compare her to herself a year ago. If she is having trouble with a new skill I say "You know what's amazing? A year ago you couldn't even do a front hip circle or a handstand on the beam and now you can do kips and vault over the table." Reminding her about how much she has improved in the past year often brings her back as to how amazing her achievement has been. Her friends who are not in gymnastics are also amazed by dd's skills.

Lastly, when she is having trouble mastering something I also point out the older girls to her. She sees them fall all the time when learning their skills, get right back up and do it again. Her coach often tells them if everyone were perfect we wouldn't need mats here.

 

[lilgymmie7]

My daughter started competing last year (level 4) and was more often than not, the last one to get a skill. Sometimes, I found it more effective to ask one of the optional girls that she admired to give her some encouragement than for me to say something. Another approach I would take was to ask what she did accomplish or felt she improved on during the practice. I also did this with meets as well. They will be hard on themselves though-just the nature of most gymnasts, I think. I can't think of one "laid back" gymnast that I have met, LOL! Good luck to her as she starts her 1st meet season.

My little DD is a very laid back gymmie in the sense that she doesn't beat herself up about gymnastics. The only time she did was due to the coach pinning everything on her after every meet. I think she really is learning the fact that gym is hard work and the more she is intent and focused on 'getting' that skill the better she will get.

However, my DS is the more frustrated child. He often says, " I suck!", "So and so is better than me!", "I Can't do it!" He is 13 now. Every wrestling comp. brings me to the point of anxiety because I know he will have a melt down. I continue to talk with him and attempt with every talk to show him his self worth. For my DS it's the fact that his self-esteem is soooo low. Once he realizes just how good he is, he will make ultimate strides. Some kids are just wired to be harder on themselves than others. I hope this will lead to passion. With passion and hard work the sky is the limit. Keep talking to your DD. Don't compare her to others. Kids like these already do that by themselves. They don't need us to do that for them. Point out what she does do well. Show her how proud you are of her. In time she will gain that pride and hopefully ease up on herself. Every wrestling season, I pray that my DS will 'find' his own self worth.

This past summer, we connected with an idol of my DS. He has given my DS his cell #. He can call him whenever he feels down. DS spent a weekend at his house and gym. DS came out stronger emotionally. If you can see if an upper level gymnast that she is in awe with can talk with your DD. Perhaps a coach can talk with her regularly. It took having someone with experience talk to my son for some of the things I have said to him to ring true. I told this 'idol' of my son, "I tried to tell him that..." He said, "Yes, but your Mom!" I got it. But I will continue to tell him. He's mine after all.

 

[littlegirlsdream]

OP. My daughter is often focused on the negatives. Often I cant tell if she truely had a bad practice or if its just her being her. SO here is what we do. After practice I ask her what were the 3 best things she did at gym today. Anything, improvements success in skills or if its a bad practice maybe its just keeping with it and not giving up. Anyway, we try and force her to focus on the successes in an effort to stayed encouraged. I think it is easy for a lot of people, even little people, to get stuck in negative self talk and that does nothing but destroy confidence and ability. I share that info with her too and I tell her if she allows herself to think and say those things about herself than she will never overcome. Then I let her tell me three things she would like to fix the most so she can at least get out her frusterations. Those things then become the goals to achieve for the next practice. The successes and challenges can only involve her never in comparison to anyone but herself and never I did better/worse than so and so. It is very hard to not get wraped up in the crazy parent role and it is hard to know where to draw the line but by helping her focus only on her we hope to help her develope a sense of success based on her achievements alone and not by how she compares to the rest. It is a challenge. I have no idea if its the right or wrong thing to do but it seems to be helpful to her.

 

[Krystan]

OP. My daughter is often focused on the negatives. Often I cant tell if she truely had a bad practice or if its just her being her. SO here is what we do. After practice I ask her what were the 3 best things she did at gym today. Anything, improvements success in skills or if its a bad practice maybe its just keeping with it and not giving up. Anyway, we try and force her to focus on the successes in an effort to stayed encouraged. I think it is easy for a lot of people, even little people, to get stuck in negative self talk and that does nothing but destroy confidence and ability. I share that info with her too and I tell her if she allows herself to think and say those things about herself than she will never overcome. Then I let her tell me three things she would like to fix the most so she can at least get out her frusterations. Those things then become the goals to achieve for the next practice. The successes and challenges can only involve her never in comparison to anyone but herself and never I did better/worse than so and so. It is very hard to not get wraped up in the crazy parent role and it is hard to know where to draw the line but by helping her focus only on her we hope to help her develope a sense of success based on her achievements alone and not by how she compares to the rest. It is a challenge. I have no idea if its the right or wrong thing to do but it seems to be helpful to her.

I LOVE this idea!! My dd has been very hard on herself lately, and it's really painful to see. She is always comparing herself to others and berating herself for not being perfect. I'm definitely going to try this idea out. I am often at work when she gets home from practice, so maybe even having a journal for that sort of thing would be a good idea. Hmmm. Thanks for the idea!!

 

[gymmutti]

I agree that trusting in the process is so tough. My dd is really stressing about beam before her first meet in less than 2 weeks. She has been really beating herself down. And of course everyone in her group is better than her (according to her mind) at just about everything. In talking with another mom at our gym, I found out that this is the belief of several of the girls. According to one mom's dd, my daughter was great at everything. I wish these girls would talk to each other - they believe so highly in each other but not themselves! At least I know that all the girls will be cheering hard for each other at the meets!

 

[gymgal]

We always go over gym practice on the car ride home. She lets me know what events she did and what she did. For the longest time, she would over focus on what she didn't have (I'm the only one without a ____). So for every negative comment, I began making her search for a positive one. It was really hard at first for her but we worked it together. (I was straighter on my handstand on beam, I got a little higher on my casts). Over time, I began noticing she started our review with more positives and only had a couple negatives. It's all about changing the way she looks at herself and her performance.

BTW, it was true that dd tended to be one of the last to get a skill in her group, particularly for back tumbling but as she goes up the levels, she is realizing that she is quite good with many skills and is having a much easier time mastering certain skills compared to her teammates. I think a lot of gymnasts go through this where they may be slow to master for a while but then it changes. DD is at the point now where she is giving tips to some of her teammates for new skills that she mastered before them. I think this has really helped her view herself as a capable gymnast.

 

[Natasha]

Since our gymnasts are always around other gymnasts, I think it is easy for them (and sometimes us) to forget that 99% of kids out there can't do what they can do. One of the best "boosts" my daughter got last year was purely accidental...I had posted a video of her meet on Facebook so that our longdistance relatives could see it. My dd got to read the responses from friends and relatives that were absolutely amazed at what she could do. It was a good reminder for both of us that it really is a rare thing to be able to do the things she does.

 

[gymgal]

Since our gymnasts are always around other gymnasts, I think it is easy for them (and sometimes us) to forget that 99% of kids out there can't do what they can do. One of the best "boosts" my daughter got last year was purely accidental...I had posted a video of her meet on Facebook so that our longdistance relatives could see it. My dd got to read the responses from friends and relatives that were absolutely amazed at what she could do. It was a good reminder for both of us that it really is a rare thing to be able to do the things she does.

This is so true. I almost wrote about it but couldn't figure out a way to say it. DD hates it when others tell her she is talented. To her, talent means a college or elite gymnast. I remind her that most girls her age would not be able to do half of what she does (due to both ability and dedication). I tell her to look at the rec. class. They are filled with girls who will never make the team level for various reasons. Obviously, I don't want her to get a big head but I also think it's important that she realize that she has something special despite not "being the best" within her own little gym world. It has only been very recently that she is accepting the notion that she can make it to higher level gymnastics if she wants it.

 

[MaryA]

And it's not just the hard work and the skills. It's the passion! On Friday, dd had a 3 hour practice followed by a 1.5 hour open gym. At the end of open gym, a lot of the team girls hung around and kept working... Totally their own choice. As we were leaving (finally!) I said, "you know you've been here 5 hours?" and she said, "I'd stay longer if I could!" I honestly can't think of anything I've ever done where I would gladly do the same thing for 5 hours straight and be asking for more. Especially not something so physically demanding. I know she's sore. It takes a special kind of kid to devote the kind of time, energy, and hard work to ANYTHING. These kids are exceptional on so many levels! (of course, I am biased)

 

[Iwannabemargo]

Since our gymnasts are always around other gymnasts, I think it is easy for them (and sometimes us) to forget that 99% of kids out there can't do what they can do. One of the best "boosts" my daughter got last year was purely accidental...I had posted a video of her meet on Facebook so that our longdistance relatives could see it. My dd got to read the responses from friends and relatives that were absolutely amazed at what she could do. It was a good reminder for both of us that it really is a rare thing to be able to do the things she does.

I did a similar thing for mine - I videoed her doing her UK Grade 14 (about your level 4 I think) then made a CD which she took into school to show the class ( as well as a thank-you to the head who lets he have wednesdays afternoons off school to go to gym) - they were so impressed that it was shown to the whole school at assembly - and we'd spent the previous evening with her spotting all her mistakes !

She couldn't believe that year 6's (10-11) were comming up to her and congratulating her and oohing and ahing about her skills !

'margo

 

[Canadian_gym_mom]

Since she started gymnastics, no one could be harder on my dd than she is on herself. I just try to continue with positive comments, and focus on the progress she is making as opposed to the end result of a certain skill.

 

[cathiann]

I agree--I do think gymnasts are hard on themselves! I can't tell you the number of times Beth (13 and level 9) has come home saying she had an "awful" practice--but when I ask what's wrong, I hear "vault was great, floor was good, I made my giant halves on bars, but fell on my front tucks on beam" Okay, so ONE skill at one event and suddenly it was an awful practice?? That's when I go in to the "everyone has a tough day on something at some times" and "if you aren't struggling at all, then you aren't pushing yourself."

In your daughter's case, you are right! She started behind everyone else, so of course she's going to be behind them! I know your daughter is just 8 so maybe too early for this, but I absolutely LOVE Dr. Ali (Alison Arnold) and her program. She wrote a workbook for issues such as this--positive thinking. My own daughter does the weekly web camp and gets so much out of it, but she worked through the book on her own at a younger age too and our gym has had Dr Ali in for a clinic.

And, yes, some girls will have things come easily to them. Some girls will look like it's easy, but they've just been practicing and working at it longer. She will get her skills--she just needs to learn to make her brain looks at how far she's come already.

 

[gymgal]

I absolutely LOVE Dr. Ali (Alison Arnold) and her program. She wrote a workbook for issues such as this--positive thinking. My own daughter does the weekly web camp and gets so much out of it, but she worked through the book on her own at a younger age too and our gym has had Dr Ali in for a clinic.

I just checked her website - what workbook? My dd could definitely use some of this training!

 

[cathiann]

I just checked her website - what workbook? My dd could definitely use some of this training!

Oh I haven't looked at her website in months--got it maybe 1-2 yr ago?? Sorry if it's not up there anymore :-(

 

[Krystan]

Oh I haven't looked at her website in months--got it maybe 1-2 yr ago?? Sorry if it's not up there anymore :-(

Is it the 26 Week Mental Toughness Training Workbook for Compulsory Gymnasts age 9 and up? It seems like it's the only workbook for the younger/compulsory set. I wish it wasn't so pricey; it looks great! Do you think that's the one you used??

 

[cathiann]

Is it the 26 Week Mental Toughness Training Workbook for Compulsory Gymnasts age 9 and up? It seems like it's the only workbook for the younger/compulsory set. I wish it wasn't so pricey; it looks great! Do you think that's the one you used??

That does sound like what it was. I dont know how much it is now, but it was definitely worth it for us.