Anon Gymnastics & coparenting with an ex-spouse- any advice?

[Anonymous (d367)]

I’m the mom of a level 5 at a gym that very much treats this as an up-or-out year and was just hit by a surprise divorce filing from my husband.

Her dad/my husband has been very disengaged as a parent but has gone to court to get a temporary order for weekends and breaks until our final decree.

I’m pretty terrified for everything that might happen, but coming here specifically to see if anyone has had experience with rigid custody arrangements and gymnastics meet season.

My husband has always been supportive of my daughter’s gymnastics when it’s going well, but he’s hands off in spite of me begging him to learn and help. The the hard parts, especially meet preparation, have been on her and me. We live somewhere that requires at least an overnight before most meets. Thinking about my husband leaving my daughter to her own devices to figure out her pre-meet dinners, bedtime mental prep routine, morning wake up times and somehow doing her own meet hair for an 8 am session is overwhelming.

Has anyone gotten their daughter through meet season with an unexpected custody shift? My daughter is in 4th grade so not old enough that she has the executive functioning skills to plan meals/wakeups/nutrition etc for meets, and hair is definitely not happening. My husband has burnt a lot of bridges at our gym with past rude behavior and this surprise fling, but thinks that other moms will magically step in and take care of what he doesn’t want to do on meet weekends.

Please reassure me or give me tips on how to structure custody to work around this! I have an attorney who I’ll talk to specifically about this, but chalkbucket stays up later and is more affordable than he is.

 

[Anonymous (7359)]

We had a nasty custody battle in our gym years ago. The dad wanted weekends and one weeknight plus 1/2 of every break until it was all finalized. The mom told the court that her daughter was a competitive gymnast, and during meet season, she would like to have her the night before each meet and the day of the meet until AFTER she returned from the meet (explaining everything that goes into meet prep). She was willing to drop her daughter off at her husband's house when they got back.
The judge agreed that since Mom always did the meet prep, she would have her daughter for meets.
It worked out for that season, but the girl chose to retire from gymnastics after the season was over.

 

[Anonymous (b5e3)]

No advice, but I’m very sorry you are going through this.

 

[Anonymous (0db6)]

I’m the mom of a level 5 at a gym that very much treats this as an up-or-out year and was just hit by a surprise divorce filing from my husband.

Her dad/my husband has been very disengaged as a parent but has gone to court to get a temporary order for weekends and breaks until our final decree.

I’m pretty terrified for everything that might happen, but coming here specifically to see if anyone has had experience with rigid custody arrangements and gymnastics meet season.

My husband has always been supportive of my daughter’s gymnastics when it’s going well, but he’s hands off in spite of me begging him to learn and help. The the hard parts, especially meet preparation, have been on her and me. We live somewhere that requires at least an overnight before most meets. Thinking about my husband leaving my daughter to her own devices to figure out her pre-meet dinners, bedtime mental prep routine, morning wake up times and somehow doing her own meet hair for an 8 am session is overwhelming.

Has anyone gotten their daughter through meet season with an unexpected custody shift? My daughter is in 4th grade so not old enough that she has the executive functioning skills to plan meals/wakeups/nutrition etc for meets, and hair is definitely not happening. My husband has burnt a lot of bridges at our gym with past rude behavior and this surprise fling, but thinks that other moms will magically step in and take care of what he doesn’t want to do on meet weekends.

Please reassure me or give me tips on how to structure custody to work around this! I have an attorney who I’ll talk to specifically about this, but chalkbucket stays up later and is more affordable than he is.

Hi
I just went through a divorce recently - my situation was a little different in that my ex had absolutely no hope of getting custody - a raging alcoholic who was abusive and the kids were clear they did not want to live with him. Our agreement states I have full decison making (it's stupid but that's what custody is called here) and he has access to visit the kids when he wants, if they are willing to spend time with him. I only advise him of the kids sport events if they want him to know. I do sent him photos/video because I think it's important he sees their progress even if he shows no interest in their sports.
Another commenter suggested asking for the nights before the meets and the meets - I agree. You need to talk to a lawyer asap - try to structure the agreement so that the night before a meet and the day of the meet you have custody and are responsible for her.
At first my ex was going to fight for custody on a 50/50 basis - my worry was he would expect me to still be responsible for all the stuff with the kids during his time - we have 3 competitive athletes.....my lawyer was clear that should he get custody (she knew he wouldn't) then he was responsible for their needs during his time with them and that he would need to be able to show how he was going to meet their needs. Thankfully they were all clear they did not want to live with him and two of them didn't even want to have any contact with him.
I know this is stressful and I'll be honest - It's going to get way more stressful before it's over - make sure you have support, stay calm, follow every piece of advice your lawyer gives you, and get a good lawyer. It took me over a year to negotiate our separation agreement and he made every single meeting we had horribly difficult. I was also very open with my daughters coach (I had to tell her that if Dad showed up and my kid didn't want to go with him he wasn't allowed to take her) - she basically knows everything that was going on - I'm lucky our club is amazing and our coaches are amazing.
I wish you the best of luck. Stay focused on what's best for your kiddo(s).

 

[Anonymous (d367)]

We had a nasty custody battle in our gym years ago. The dad wanted weekends and one weeknight plus 1/2 of every break until it was all finalized. The mom told the court that her daughter was a competitive gymnast, and during meet season, she would like to have her the night before each meet and the day of the meet until AFTER she returned from the meet (explaining everything that goes into meet prep). She was willing to drop her daughter off at her husband's house when they got back.
The judge agreed that since Mom always did the meet prep, she would have her daughter for meets.
It worked out for that season, but the girl chose to retire from gymnastics after the season was over.

Thank you for taking the time to share this. I hadn’t thought about even asking for this partly because it is hard to get anyone to understand that competitive gymnastics is not the same as rolling up at a 9 am rec soccer game. I’ll discuss with my attorney right away because there has been a big focus on maintaining the status quo in terms of caregiving.

This has been really hard on my daughter and the gym has been her safe place where nothing can touch her, but the escape of practice is different from the pressure of meets. I hope that whatever happens with her performance this year doesn’t impact her decision to stay in the sport. To me, every day that she wakes up and shows up represents so, so much courage already.

 

[Anonymous (0db6)]

Thank you for taking the time to share this. I hadn’t thought about even asking for this partly because it is hard to get anyone to understand that competitive gymnastics is not the same as rolling up at a 9 am rec soccer game. I’ll discuss with my attorney right away because there has been a big focus on maintaining the status quo in terms of caregiving.

This has been really hard on my daughter and the gym has been her safe place where nothing can touch her, but the escape of practice is different from the pressure of meets. I hope that whatever happens with her performance this year doesn’t impact her decision to stay in the sport. To me, every day that she wakes up and shows up represents so, so much courage already.

It sounds like you've starting to get a good plan together. I'd talk to her coach for sure - it's important for them to know why your kiddo might be distracted or not on her game. My daughter's coach base been amazing -if my daughter seems distracted or not herself of sad her coach messages me to see if anything has happened and she has been a huge support to my kiddo during the past year. Kids are resilient and it sounds like your daughter loves the gym - as long as you're supporting her and helping her keep her focus I'm sure it will all work out but don't underestimate the power of letting her coach know. It was hard to share some of the details - no one wants to admit that their life is falling apart but they can be a big support to your child