Parents How does your gym deal with mean girls?

[trcr7498]

How does your gym and the coaches deal with girls that pick on there team mates? For a few months my DD has been coming home from gym very frustrated and sometimes in tears because a team mate is picking on her - giving her dirty looks, watching her every move and telling her she is doing skills wrong, telling her she isn't completing her exercises, being mouthy with her. For a couple months I told DD to just ignore the behavior - not to stoop to this teammates level, it'll all blow over. After hearing it continue for over two months I finally told DD that if this team mate was going to be mouthy with her then it's time she stick up for herself and mouth back. (Not the best advice or aproach I assume but I was tired of hearing about my DD getting picked on). I went to the head coach and explained the situation and told her some of the things DD had told me about her team mates behavior. The response that I got was "Really? Because I don't see it". I'm frustrated that it was blown off and that I was made to feel like my DD was making things up or blowing this out of proportion. It has been another month since I told the Head Coach what was going on and the behavior still continues.
Has anyone else had a situation similar to this and if so, how does your gym and the coaches handle this situation?

 

[gymcoach26]

I have been that coach in an almost similar situation. I really did not notice anything until the parent brought it to my attention. This is probably because there are a lot of girls and most of my focus is on their gymnastics, not their interactions with one another. The girl was very good at teasing when I was off helping someone else or my back was turned. Anyway, once it was brought to my attention, I watched very carefully and did see a problem. I talked with each teamate seperately. I explained the behavior would not be tolerated and if seen again, she would be asked to leave practice. To the girl getting teased, I told her to give me a little signal if it happened again. (This was her mothers idea and I really liked it). That way the little girl did not feel like everyone would know if she was "being a tattle tale" (her words not mine!) She was worried about saying anything to me because she didn't want the other teamates to think badly of her. I know it can be tough for young gymnasts to let their coach know, but if it is as bad as she says, then I suggest she tells the coach herself. You should be there too and maybe come up with a similar plan. It has worked well for us.

 

[socko]

This happened to us in our old gym with a similar response ("oh really, I don't see it") . I knew it was due to jealousy because my daughter was younger and in a higher level than these bullies but it just didn't let up. She continued to do well at gym but I could tell it was affecting her...she did have friends at the gym that weren't in her level but were her age so she was ok with the social aspect but it's kind of tough to be 10 years old and be bullied by teenagers who should know better. After speaking to some of the parents of the girls involved and the coaches and basically getting no response, for a variety of other reasons as well, we left that gym for another where she is accepted as the youngest kid in her upper level optional group and has wiped the floor at meets with her former bullying teammates since we left!!

Coaches need to have a zero tolerance policy on things like this...my kid is in the gym 25+ hours a week and it needs to be at a place that she feels safe.

 

[eme777]

I would go with gymcoach26's suggestions. As a classroom teacher, I can attest to how good kids are at hiding these behaviors from teachers & coaches. The signal would really help w/o being too obvious or disruptive. If the coaches are unwilling to do this, then it's a sign that it's time to move to another gym. There are now anti-bullying laws for schools, it needs to be enforced in the gym too. If they coaches are unwilling to help, then they obviously don't have your child's best interests at heart & this will show up in other ways, too.

Good Luck!

 

[socko]

My issue with the gymnast having to "give a signal" is that she's being victimized again...she and her mother should be able to report the behavior and it should be dealt with by the adults who coach these bullies or the person who owns or runs the gym. When this happened to my daughter, they wanted to bring her (and the bully) in "to discuss the situation to see if it was really as bad as she said"...well I absolutely said no to that because to me , that just gave the bully her position of power again. Bullies need to be dealt with by persons in positions of authority who can enforce the zero tolerance that SHOULD be out there. You're there to do gymnastics, period and if that's not enough for the bully, then the bully should be expelled from the gym.

A good resource for situations like this is the book "Queen Bees and Wannabees"

 

[gymmomntc2e6]

Zero tolerence at DD's gym. It is addressed immediately.

 

[MdGymMom01]

Our gym is pretty much zero tolerance as well. It is addressed immediately and if it arises again then disciplanary action is taken. I do agree with the fact that the bullies and bratty girls are very good about choosing when they start their antics (usually when coach is NOT looking). I have had some unfortunate experiences with this and it has taught my dd to handle some of it on her own. There are going to be times when the girls get bickery and personalities and tempers can flair and some of it is just pre-teen hormones and angst. The hard part can be dicyphering where that "fine line" is between typical girl behavior and bullying. DD's team is pretty much all the same age--9 to 12 year olds so the cattiness, bossiness, moodiness and hormone flair-ups can be rampant at times.

 

[gymcoach26]

My issue with the gymnast having to "give a signal" is that she's being victimized again..."

I don't really agree with this. The point of her giving me a signal is so I can approach the child who is bullying without them ever knowing the other child told me. That way I can address the issue right there, without putting the child in an uncomfortable situation. I think it would be worse for the poor child to have to say something during practice when her teamates are around and then when I ask the bully to leave practice, everyone will know which kid told me. That to me is being victimized again. This way here, we have a zero tolerance and it is more annonymous. I am the one to address the issue and it gets taken care of right away.
I've only had to have someone leave once and that ended the problem, so to me it's effective.

 

[marie83]

We have a 3 strikes rule, depending on the severity of the situation.
First I speak firmly to the gymnasts and explain that their behaviour has been unacceptable. I explain that if I have to speak to them again I will be speaking to their parents, and if it happens a 3rd time they will be removed from the class for 2 weeks (a lifetime for a gymnast!)

We have only ever had to suspend 2 gymnasts in 12 years.

The reason for the 3 strikes is that sometimes the gymnasts are just pushing the boundries and trying to see what they are allowed to get away with. For a lot of gymnasts the threat of me speaking to their parents is enough to make them think about their behaviour.

I don't often have to raise my voice in the gym, so when I do, the gymnasts know I am serious!

Occasionally I have spoken to parents straight away if I think the behaviour was dangerous/violent etc, but generally they just need a reminder to make the right choices!

 

[bookworm]

My point Gymcoach26 was that , as you say, you do address the girl doing the bullying but to me, that should be being addressed as soon as the behavior is originally reported to you (where I assume you are arranging for the signal for the NEXT time it happens) because I don't think there should have to be a NEXT time in order for the girl to be told to stop. Maybe a "signal" if the original bully has been spoken to and the behavior still persists...

 

[Linsul]

As others have said, bullies can be good at picking their moments so coaches don't see. Once it was brought up to us, there was a mass mandatory meeting of kids of all levels, their parents, and all the team coaches. Bullying behaviors were explained, and it was made public that if seen or heard by coaches the instigator would be sent home immediately. If a parent was not available to pick the gymnast up, they would wait in the office and be free to do homework until their parents came. After that step, if the gymnast instigated again then they were put on probationary status for a month.

At the time we were having problems at meets regarding snarky comments by the gymnasts to each other over placement and awards. Our policy announced at the meeting was anyone who couldn't either be quiet or nice was not allowed to sit with the team during awards. We also had a little girl that was getting treated as a sort of mascot. Nothing mean, but the girls would play with her hair and pick her up at times, and she didn't like feeling like their 'pet'. So it was mentioned that in cases of horseplay or being silly that if the person says they want to be left alone it had to be respected or the bullying rules would apply.

We had all of them sign a paper with the rules outlined, and they took a copy of it home. Some of the parents thought it was harsh but that was the intent. We didn't feel badly about it since it was all laid out before them and there was time for Q&A so it was understood. We didn't have issues with it after that. A couple of stern warnings for some gray situations, but nothing of outright defiance of the rules.

 

[bookworm]

Linsul, I wish more gyms (and schools) did this...

 

[MdGymMom01]

As others have said, bullies can be good at picking their moments so coaches don't see. Once it was brought up to us, there was a mass mandatory meeting of kids of all levels, their parents, and all the team coaches. Bullying behaviors were explained, and it was made public that if seen or heard by coaches the instigator would be sent home immediately. If a parent was not available to pick the gymnast up, they would wait in the office and be free to do homework until their parents came. After that step, if the gymnast instigated again then they were put on probationary status for a month.

At the time we were having problems at meets regarding snarky comments by the gymnasts to each other over placement and awards. Our policy announced at the meeting was anyone who couldn't either be quiet or nice was not allowed to sit with the team during awards. We also had a little girl that was getting treated as a sort of mascot. Nothing mean, but the girls would play with her hair and pick her up at times, and she didn't like feeling like their 'pet'. So it was mentioned that in cases of horseplay or being silly that if the person says they want to be left alone it had to be respected or the bullying rules would apply.

We had all of them sign a paper with the rules outlined, and they took a copy of it home. Some of the parents thought it was harsh but that was the intent. We didn't feel badly about it since it was all laid out before them and there was time for Q&A so it was understood. We didn't have issues with it after that. A couple of stern warnings for some gray situations, but nothing of outright defiance of the rules.

This is great and I wish more gyms would adopt this philosophy and protocol as well!!! My kids' school has an anti-bullying policy so why shouldn't gyms and sports teams as well? And to speak from experience I have seen this bullying behaviour at gyms and sports programs where there WASN'T a clear protocol written out. I strongly believe that if the parents and kids know about the policy and what is expected of them from the get go, it really reduces this type of behaviour.

 

[Linsul]

I agree it really nipped our problem in the bud. From the gym standpoint, a blanket statement and policy really cuts down on time spent dealing with these things case by case. Of course, there are gray areas and the kids are still learning context and what's ok and what's not. The parents that thought it was harsh were just nervous that we didn't appreciate that, and we do. Q & A handles that and everyone being there keeps it as light as possible rather calling certain people out.

I agree that team sports should have the same policies as the schools, even more than schools! The nature of the activity and what it entails, being competitive, fearless, aggressive, proactive, committed, and just plain tough are all wonderful qualities. If there are no boundaries and no elaboration on the value of being a team then things can take a darker turn. Children are learning to relate to each other and maturing so focusing their energy and helping them build quality relationships is a part of the job. The bully policy helps just by virtue of existence, enforcement is a backup. Nobody wants to go home or sit in the stands for awards!