Parents How to handle jealousy among parents?

[dbean]

Yes a sad but often true statement.
All you can do is what others suggested take the high road, smile and nod. Move up time usually the best time to sit in your car at pick up.

My dd moved later than others...but didnt phase us. We were so happy for them...hope my DD never becomes that way.

 

[Gymmom826]

Some lessons I've learned as gym mom:



Do what you need to do to keep from giving into the insanity. It may look differently for everyone but for me it's: confide only in my spouse, drop and run, care little about what others think, smile and wave, don't compare gymnasts and sit arms length at meets. ..... oh and read CB.....

Wow great advice thanks!

 

[2G1B]

For the OP, those people are toxic and the only thing to do is just be polite; but mostly avoid.

I have to say though that it seems sad to me that so many aren't friends with other parents at the gym. My kids have been at different gyms and they have teammates who have swapped gyms. I still stay in touch with many of those parents, I love seeing them at meets (often go sit with them some) and even still get together for dinners with some of them. I'm also friends with a lot of the parents at our current gym. We enjoy each other's company, generally have other things in common, and just have fun hanging out. With 3 kids competing, we spend a lot of time at meets in the spring and I'd hate to not enjoy the other parents.

I do agree that you need to avoid the gossip. And you usually can pick out the uber competitive parents. I avoid them (I'm polite). I just can't deal with that. But mostly, the majority of the parents I have met through my kids' gymnastics have been good people who I'm glad to know. I get it that my social circle shouldn't come from my kids' activities; but I get along better with a lot of these parents than I do with the majority of parents at their school. I see the other team parents 3-5 days per week with pickup and drop off. It is easy to get together since we are in the same place, kid free, at the same time... I guess I'm just saying that I don't think that you have to rule out friendships with other parents. Just identify the crazy competitive ones and avoid them.

 

[munchkin3]

Great advice from B GOLD.......!!!!
This happened with my close friend....she was overcome by jealousy.....it was so sad for me to watch her struggling and yelling at her DD in the corner.....I just kept the conversation NOT about gymnastics, let her vent and if it got too weird and personal, I would leave.....I ONLY spoke about it to my husband, and never said a peep to anybody else.....
It has blown over and my friend realized her mistake -sort of.....
But it was not as egregious as your situation....so drop and run, be busy and let the gym handle the rest......

 

[dbean]

I've found these relationships always seem to stay fine as long as everything plays out as expected - like both kids progres as expected and scores/results remain consistent over time, but have one of the friend mom girls' start to excel or decline significantly more than the other and then the apple cart is upset and you never know what will happen.

Also, OP - those moms who are telling you the stuff that this other mom is saying about you/your kid are two-faced as well - they are clearly still pretending to be her friend and making her feel she can confide in them even though they are repeating what she's saying to you. Don't trust them any further than you can throw them, and don't say anything to them that you wouldn't want the other mom to hear about. It's human nature to think that when people are telling you bad things others say about you it means they like you a lot more than the one they are tattling on, but honestly, that isn't always the case. I've learned over the years that any person who pretends to be the friend of someone that they trash when they are not around (even if that person is awful), is not someone you can trust.

While I normally agree, the person who told me (momA) did not do it to tattle tale. The mutual mom (momB) talked negatively about both our daughter's in the same conversation. Saying neither daughter deserved to move up. MomA also stuck up for my daughter in that conversation to try and help momB understand that sometimes you cannot just look at scores, but also consider the skills the girls are competing and how much progression the girls have or have not made, over the summer.

 

[dbean]

Great advice from B GOLD.......!!!!
This happened with my close friend....she was overcome by jealousy.....it was so sad for me to watch her struggling and yelling at her DD in the corner.....I just kept the conversation NOT about gymnastics, let her vent and if it got too weird and personal, I would leave.....I ONLY spoke about it to my husband, and never said a peep to anybody else.....
It has blown over and my friend realized her mistake -sort of.....
But it was not as egregious as your situation....so drop and run, be busy and let the gym handle the rest......

Our DD's have hung out twice since the indicant, but the girl has been mean both times. So I am just going to kind of keep a friendly distance. No reason for me to be impolite but at the same time, not going to make every effort to be best buds and do everything together.

 

[kitkat]

I see a lady at the gym everyday. Sometimes I have the "pleasure" of sitting with her while I watch my dd. She makes comments every single day about how spectacular her dd is and how she has had this or that skill since she was 9, etc. The comments for the most part are ridiculous but none the less the mom thinks her dd is Simone Bile.

My point - I just let her blabber on - if it makes herself feel better go for it - I just smile and say thats fantastic, good for her, wow she is amazing, etc. In the end I could care less as long as she is not talking about my daughters ability - knock yourself out.

I had another situation when my dd was going into L6. There was only two girls in the group moving up mid year and the others stayed L5 for the remainder. This mom actually went to the HC and told her that all the girls should stay L5 until they all catch up. The mom actually told me this at a meet. I am not usually lot for words but I couldn't believe that another parent would do this. And it was my dd best friend at gym. Not because of this situation but over time the mom was just so obnoxious I couldn't stand being around her anymore.

So I think it really all depends. In my first situation the mom is just living in a bubble and in my second situation the mom got so obnoxious about gymnastics I didn't want to be associated with her. There is nothing worst then being associated with a "bad" parent at the gym.
Your gutt will tell you if this is repairable or not.

 

[Ali'sMom]

While I normally agree, the person who told me (momA) did not do it to tattle tale. The mutual mom (momB) talked negatively about both our daughter's in the same conversation. Saying neither daughter deserved to move up. MomA also stuck up for my daughter in that conversation to try and help momB understand that sometimes you cannot just look at scores, but also consider the skills the girls are competing and how much progression the girls have or have not made, over the summer.

I will never understand how a mom can look right at another mom and say the DD doesn't deserve to move up. How does that conversation even go??
"Hey there! I've been watching your DD. I've heard she's moving up. I don't get what the coaches see. She certainly won't do well!".

I mean, I might have THOUGHT that about a girl or two over the years, and not even in a jealous or mean way, just confused after watching her struggle all year, and wondering what the coaches' plan was. But even with confused concern I wouldn't SAY it to someone else...

 

[GymDad9.9]

I will never understand how a mom can look right at another mom and say the DD doesn't deserve to move up. How does that conversation even go??
"Hey there! I've been watching your DD. I've heard she's moving up. I don't get what the coaches see. She certainly won't do well!".

I mean, I might have THOUGHT that about a girl or two over the years, and not even in a jealous or mean way, just confused after watching her struggle all year, and wondering what the coaches' plan was. But even with confused concern I wouldn't SAY it to someone else...

Yeah, that's a severe case of chutzpah right there.

 

[notthatmom]

I will never understand how a mom can look right at another mom and say the DD doesn't deserve to move up. How does that conversation even go??
"Hey there! I've been watching your DD. I've heard she's moving up. I don't get what the coaches see. She certainly won't do well!".

I mean, I might have THOUGHT that about a girl or two over the years, and not even in a jealous or mean way, just confused after watching her struggle all year, and wondering what the coaches' plan was. But even with confused concern I wouldn't SAY it to someone else...

Because you're normal!

There's a mom at our gym I've known for a while as our girls were in rec together...my DD was asked to join preteam, and is now on team, while her girls are still in rec. I can see on her face that she questions why my DD has advanced and hers haven't (and honestly I'm puzzled as well), but she'd never say something to my face!

Luckily our viewing area is technically a "no drama zone" so it somewhat keeps these situations to a minimum, I do over hear the jealousy crap every once in a while though. I guess some mom's just have nothing better to do.


Makes me think of a sign I want to make and post in the gym...it would read:


Things you (parents) could be doing instead of sitting here spreading gossip:
Go home
Go to the store
Walk around outside
Work out (we have a fitness center attached)
Eat
Clean the bathroom


Feel free to add ideas

 

[GymDad9.9]

Because you're normal!

There's a mom at our gym I've known for a while as our girls were in rec together...my DD was asked to join preteam, and is now on team, while her girls are still in rec. I can see on her face that she questions why my DD has advanced and hers haven't (and honestly I'm puzzled as well), but she'd never say something to my face!

Luckily our viewing area is technically a "no drama zone" so it somewhat keeps these situations to a minimum, I do over hear the jealousy crap every once in a while though. I guess some mom's just have nothing better to do.


Makes me think of a sign I want to make and post in the gym...it would read:


Things you (parents) could be doing instead of sitting here spreading gossip:
Go home
Go to the store
Walk around outside
Work out (we have a fitness center attached)
Eat
Clean the bathroom


Feel free to add ideas

Is this posted at your gym???

 

[ladybird]

Because you're normal!

There's a mom at our gym I've known for a while as our girls were in rec together...my DD was asked to join preteam, and is now on team, while her girls are still in rec. I can see on her face that she questions why my DD has advanced and hers haven't (and honestly I'm puzzled as well), but she'd never say something to my face!

Luckily our viewing area is technically a "no drama zone" so it somewhat keeps these situations to a minimum, I do over hear the jealousy crap every once in a while though. I guess some mom's just have nothing better to do.


Makes me think of a sign I want to make and post in the gym...it would read:


Things you (parents) could be doing instead of sitting here spreading gossip:
Go home
Go to the store
Walk around outside
Work out (we have a fitness center attached)
Eat
Clean the bathroom


Feel free to add ideas

Oooh, I'll play. How about "spend some time with your non gymnast children."

 

[notthatmom]

Is this posted at your gym???

Not with a picture, but it's essentially a red piece of paper that in some words tells the parents to keep their damn mouths shut, and only sit in there during specified viewing hours (applies to team parents only of course)

 

[gymjunkie]

The mom doesn't know I know and the parents, as a whole, do a lot together outside the gym and when we travel. Things are so awkward but I still want to be friends or at least have us comfortable around each other and I want the kids to cheer each other on, be friends, and be happy. How do parents who have experienced this, handle it?

Honestly I've never seen it handled well, because you can't "handle" her and unfortunately ill-willed people often have just enough power to be destructive in these situations. I've seen it as a coach and as a parent. Hopefully you aren't friends with her on social media. Hopefully it's less vicious & intense if it's an XG and L6 kid (my experience has been with TOPS parents). It will get worse if one of you switches gyms, because that's when the real drama begins.

 

[flipster]

Honestly I've never seen it handled well, because you can't "handle" her and unfortunately ill-willed people often have just enough power to be destructive in these situations. I've seen it as a coach and as a parent. Hopefully you aren't friends with her on social media. Hopefully it's less vicious & intense if it's an XG and L6 kid (my experience has been with TOPS parents). It will get worse if one of you switches gyms, because that's when the real drama begins.

Seriously? What influence would the other mother have after gym switch? I am not advocating gym switch (not big enough reason), but may be one of the reasons.

 

[gymjunkie]

Seriously? What influence would the other mother have after gym switch? I am not advocating gym switch (not big enough reason), but may be one of the reasons.

The really crazy ones start stalking the kid's success both on-line and in person at meets.

 

[B.Gold]

^^^^ Really? Because I've continued being interested in the success of gymnasts who have left my dd's gym, through the internet and at meets, as a way of measuring how the gymnast has faired with the new gym. It's more a study in the competing gym than it is real interest in the success or failure of a gymnast.

 

[strawberries]

The really crazy ones start stalking the kid's success both on-line and in person at meets.

Yes, gymjunkie is right. I've seen this happen more than a few times.

 

[gymjunkie]

^^^^ Really? Because I've continued being interested in the success of gymnasts who have left my dd's gym, through the internet and at meets, as a way of measuring how the gymnast has faired with the new gym. It's more a study in the competing gym than it is real interest in the success or failure of a gymnast.

For others it's an unhealthy rivalry. I even had a parent share that she needed to talk to a therapist about her obsession with a gymnast she had a jealousy issue over (who went to another gym).

 

[duyetanh]

For others it's an unhealthy rivalry. I even had a parent share that she needed to talk to a therapist about her obsession with a gymnast she had a jealousy issue over (who went to another gym).

Oh my goodness. Yuck soup.