Parents "I don't want to compete..." :(

[sportyfam5]

My daughter, who just turned 13, is going through this phase (I hope) where she doesn't want to compete. Earlier in the year she didn't want to go to practice. Now she seems ok with that and chose to sign up for a couple meets. However, the last meet and now one coming up this weekend she keeps saying over and over, "I don't want to compete." She doesn't really say why, other than she just doesn't want to, what's the point?, a waste of money.
Has anyone been through this? What should I do? I have no problem letting her not do any additional meets but I feel she should do the 2 she is signed up for (1 this weekend and 1 in March). I need to know how I can relax her enough to get through the meet. Last weekend when she competed the scores were not good and she had made some mistakes. I think that is on her mind. However, in all reality she ran close scores as her team mates who did not make as many mistakes. She is new to level 8 and has been competing for just over 4 years. (1 year L4, mixed year L5, 6, 7, then 2 years L7).
Thanks for reading and I look forward to any advice.

 

[Bobby]

I don't mean to imply anything except that 13 is a very self-conscious age ... but I wonder how she'd react if you suggested not attending when she compete??
I recall loving away comps with my team and hating ones my family attended at that age. I'm sure they thought they were being supportive, but I just felt worse if they were disappointed if I fell and (contrarily) worse again if they looked too excited I might win or something before the comp was even over. I think casual disinterest would have suited me better. (Then again they were annoying parents who'd always make comments like if I'd warmed up more I would have done better, etc). I used to envy two friend's mums who used to gossip so much they'd not even watch.
As for the ones already signed up for, I'd personally tell her she made a commitment to her club to compete, and she is honour-bound to keep it.

 

[gym law mom]

13 is such a hard age. So many other things going on at school and with friends. Hormones running amok and body changing. You said she's been down the road of not wanting to go to practice and now its not wanting to compete. Either she needs a break or needs to stop.

Something has changed with her. Could be that she had that year of racing through compulsories and now some of the girls left behind have caught up. Doesn't mean she's a bad gymnast, but she may see it that way. There could be skills she's struggling with or are scared of and doesn't want to admit it. Has anything major changed in the gym like coaches or best friends leaving?

I would take a 2 pronged attack. Talk with her coaches----what do they see from her on a routine basis? Are they aware she doesn't want to compete? Also talk with dd. Try and get more out of her than she doesn't want to compete. Tell her it is absolutely ok to tell you anything and you won't be upset. What are her plans if she stops competing---something else she wants to try?

My guess is you can't get money back from the next meet, but if she has no desire to even be there, then its really a waste of time and even risking injury to go. At 13 she should be part of the decision making process, but not feel forced to do a meet.

 

[bookworm]

I think she wants out...

When a gymnast begins with "I don't want to compete" (especially after a period of "I don't want to practice") that is usually a signal that she wants out. If she's 13 , she just might want to do something else and she doesn't know how to tell you. How about telling her that YOU think she needs to take some time off and explore other options...that might be a tremendous relief to her and just what she is looking for but unable to articulate. Who knows? Maybe she takes time off and decides she misses it...or not.

As far as the meets she's already signed up for , it's only 2 so it's kind of a wash...you'd save the time and money (that you'd spend going to the meet but not the entry fee) by not going. Forcing her to do it when she's so dead set against it might be a recipe for a disaster of an injury, not to mention a big hit to her self esteem if she doesn't do all that well by HER standards.

 

[gymnut1]

I agree with the above - she has gone to the higher levels so fast. It might be that she did not have time to build a bank of 'fun' memories of competing gymnastics to fall back on when she hit the hard skills. She has really had it hard all the way. If others from her level 4 season are catching her up she may have realised she could have taken her time doind a level a year and still ended up in the same place. Phsycologically that might be hard for her to accept. 13 is such a difficult age. I'm so glad i never have to be 13 again! Although I agree she should be part of the decision making process I also think she should see her commitments through. Maybe you could think of a 'reward' for her if she sees these 2 commitments through and then allow her to decide on what next. It does sound from your post that she is hung up on her scores and would rather not compete than score lower. She needs to compete for fun but that requires an attitude change. Not sure how you help her make that jump. Why did the gym push her so fast through the levels? Was she earmarked for elite? Have her goals changed? Perhaps she feels disappointed if they have. I wish you all the best. My dd is 13 too and life is exciting, scary and traumatic. A real rollercoaster.

 

[bookworm]

It sounds like she started gymnastics "late" at age 9 and the gym probably wanted to get her to optionals by the time she hit high school so if she could go through compulsories quick, then it became an option. So I don't know that it was an accelerated track per se that is the issue, I think it has more to do with her age and what she wants to do at this time.

 

[bogwoppit]

I have a 13 year old and I know that it is such a tough age. So many changes both physically and emotionally, it is understandable that they begin to question and reevaluate everything. Allowing her to let go a bit might be in order. Allowing her to train without competing might be something to offer, if her coaches will aloow this for a while. SHe may feel the desire again, or she may realise that it's over for her.

Mine cut back her hours this year and things are just about perfect for her, in a less competitive league and leaving her time to be her.

A real chat with her and a real chat with her coaches might be in order. If you, or the coaches, push too much she might just stop.

Good luck, the teens are very hard even without an intense sport. Try to listen to what she says, and then try to work out what she wants/needs.

 

[sportyfam5]

13 is such a hard age. So many other things going on at school and with friends. Hormones running amok and body changing. You said she's been down the road of not wanting to go to practice and now its not wanting to compete. Either she needs a break or needs to stop.

Something has changed with her. Could be that she had that year of racing through compulsories and now some of the girls left behind have caught up. Doesn't mean she's a bad gymnast, but she may see it that way. There could be skills she's struggling with or are scared of and doesn't want to admit it. Has anything major changed in the gym like coaches or best friends leaving?

I would take a 2 pronged attack. Talk with her coaches----what do they see from her on a routine basis? Are they aware she doesn't want to compete? Also talk with dd. Try and get more out of her than she doesn't want to compete. Tell her it is absolutely ok to tell you anything and you won't be upset. What are her plans if she stops competing---something else she wants to try?

My guess is you can't get money back from the next meet, but if she has no desire to even be there, then its really a waste of time and even risking injury to go. At 13 she should be part of the decision making process, but not feel forced to do a meet.

Wow it's like you know exactly what is going on in her life! Yes a new coach last June, Yes her best friend left, Yes the 2 other girls (1 is her sister) have caught up and almost surpassed her, Yes she is struggling with new skills.
I have talked to her and so far all she has to says is "I just don't want to."
Her coaches say some days are fine and some days she "doesn't feel good".
As far as the meet this weekend..she wouldn't go to practice tonight and had a meltdown about the meet, but still no reason. I think your right the $100 is not worth her getting hurt. I will talk with coaches and her some more. We are going anyway because her sister competes and it is out of state.

Thank you so much for your very helpful advice. I'm hoping that taking a break from competing and having practices will help he regain confidence while she goes through this hormonal stage. Maybe next year, maybe not

 

[sportyfam5]

"Why did the gym push her so fast through the levels? Was she earmarked for elite? Have her goals changed? "

She was scoring 36, 37, 38 her first year of L4. She had all the skills to move up and coaches and myself and her (although 9-10 at the time) felt she may be bored if she stayed a lower level. Of course a new mom to competing, how proud I was to have her move up so fast. Now I'm not so sure. Thanks for the advice.

 

[NotAMom]

I'm not sure one can be certain what's going on, so this may not help you at all.

My guess is there is a mixed bag of everything that has been stated. A little bit of burnout, a little bit of disappointment due to lack of late progress and failure to sustain early sign of success, a liittle bit of distraction from outside the gym, and a little bit of effect from hormones. Frankly, I would not jump to the conclusion that she absolutely wants out.

Even though you feel you are in the dark, you are probably still the best to judge what's at hand. Besides siblings and maybe some close buds whom she confides with, no one is as close to her as the parents are.

I have a 13 yo myself and I feel lost very often with her business. Even though she is beginning to live her own life, she still needs a nudge to move along in the right direction most of the time. The hardest thing for both her and us is to determine what that really is.

 

[BlairBob]

Not a parent, but as a coach I've heard those words out of gymnasts not competent in their ability to perform their routines, especially out of first years to a new level or routine. Especially if their routines are not crisp or some skills are not clean or happening at all. Even more so, if they really did well the year before. It's hard to go from being good to killing yourself out there.

 

[Gymmonkeymomma]

I've posted my woe's so will try to keep this short as not to bore the others who have been reading about my DD for a few months!

My oldest is a 2nd yr level 8 and will turn 13 next week. Back in October she started saying she "hates gymnastics" and wanted to quit. She had been competing since her 8th birthday (1st level 4 meet on her b'day) and is signed up to compete next week (on her 13th b'day coincidentally). She had an ok Level 4 season, Level 5 was where she did really well (tied 3rd BB out of 50 kids, and 6th AA), then had ok seasons as Level 6 and 7. First yr of L8 was when we got a new coach (who is awesome but tough) and DD started to balk abou many things. This past fall several of the older girls quit and I think this is where DD decided she should give up too. We fought, I cried, she cried, she never gave me a really valid reason other than "hating" it. Over the next few weeks we were able to pull out of her that it was because of the harder skills, more disciplined coaching, just PRESSURE. Last season she had a really rough time with my little one (aka Little Monkey) who has been steadily improving since starting L4 at 6 yrs old, and although she struggled with Level 5 for 2 years, managed to pull not one but three USAIGC state titles). So I agreed that DD#1 could quit after her meet at the end of January, since she was already committed to that, but in the meantime she would have to come up with a plan B for staying in shape. I literally dropped the subject with her altogether, told her there would be no more arguing about quitting the team, just come up with an alternative activity. Well, fast forward a few months and now having tried soccer she decided that she dislikes THAT, and will take a month off and start on the Joga team in March - it is a New Jersey program similar to high school gymnastics and in DD's eyes, very low pressure, low key, less intense (6 hrs only vs.15 for USAG). She will be able to stay in gymnastics (which she does not really hate) until she can compete for high school in 2011. She has even begged for gymnastics camp for this summer too.

Anyway, hang in there. It is a combination of the age, the hormones, the pressures probably of school as well as the more difficult skills. Every story ends differently....(of DD's 3 teammates that left this past fall, one is now at a different gym, one is doing Joga and one is now cheering). I hope everything works out for your DD and your family.

 

[Tumblequeensmom]

Gymmonkeymomma... I have been wondering what your DD decided to do! I'm so happy that she decided to stick w/gymnastics in a much less pressured environment.

After going through much of what the OP and you have been dealing with with my own DD, I have to say Katy is in a much happier place!

Katy also suffered the burnout, pressure, lack of confidence, etc. and told me back in October that she wanted to quit, it wasn't fun anymore, etc. Everything you have said. She had also just started high school. 'nuf said.

I immediately called another local gym that has a very successful prep op. program and switched her right away. I have to say, I had had some misgivings about her then current gym anymore, so making the switch really wasn't that hard. I just couldn't truly believe that Katy HATED gymnastics after all the time, friendships, etc.

I have to say that it was the best move we could've done given the circumstances. She is happy in the prep op. program, is also on her high school gymnastics team and is really enjoying it again.

Yes, she still has some of her back tumbling fears, but she is actually slowly getting over those as well. Mabye getting out of the high pressure environment is contributing to her increased self confidence.

These teen years are soooo difficult.

 

[msl529]

Oh my word, what is it about the age of 13 & gym issues?! Why not 12 or 14 ? Never mind, don't answer that, lol.

Anyway, What TQM & GMM & Bog & others had to say rings true w/ us. My dd quit artistic at age 13 as well. Their dd's moved on to lighter schedules/less pressure-types of artistic gym (non-USAG, Prep-Op & what have you), mine moved on to a different type/less pressured kind of gymnastics (T&T). And dd loves it!

Just b/c a girl no longer wants the pressure & impossible schedule of artistic does not mean she hates gymnastics. She, like my dd, probably still loves it, but needs a chance to experience it in some other form (i.e. non-USAG programs, T&T, Acro, whatever).

Have you given her the option of teaking a break from artistic, but looking into something else, like school gym, prep-op program, or whatever? I don't know what is available to you in your area.

When my dd took a break (which I enforced, b/c she was too scared to tell me she really wanted out) she just did a 'rec' teen tumbling class for a bit. It gave her time to relax, but still do some of the tricks she loved, plus she was way better than the other girls in her rec class, so she felt like a celebrity, lol! Later, she decided to do T&T, & was very ready to do so after her break.

Have you explored what's available besides artistic? Might be a good idea to do so. Then, present your dd w/ a few less-pressured options. Call it "not quitting, but taking a breather".

Best of luck. Keep us posted!