Parents Kicked out of Gym!

[NutterButter]

I've been reading this thread with interest and I think it's important to reiterate what so many have already said: it isn't that the child asked Mom not to stay and watch. For me, it's the way in which child basically told Mom to go away. In my house, That wouldn't fly. I am the parent and she is the child. She does not dismiss me. I just don't agree with making children equal to parents.

Not all kids address concerns in the most appropriate way. It doesn't always happen in a nice, polite and controlled fashion. Could be that this kid is in the midst of puberty. Or maybe she has an explosive personality. Or maybe the kid really just plain disrespectful. Who knows. OP did explain the reason for her DD's frustration however. Another parent had been openly cheering another child during practice and this made the DD feel uncomfortable. I understand this sentiment and agree that parental cheering should be saved for a meet (side bar: this means that whatever practice space they have, parents have access to the athletes; many gyms have a viewing area separated from the gym by windows, this does not seem to be the case here). My DD would be mortified if parents were allowed to be within hearing distance since she has had many, many days that don't go well for her which result in tears at some point. She doesn't care if her teammates/coaches see this but people from the outside, not so much. The OP called her DD out on the mis-directed anger.

And everyone is jumping to conclusions because the coach cheered on the gymnast for telling mom to leave. We don't know if the coach actually told the child that he was proud of her. He may have told the mom this but it doesn't mean that this exchange ever happened with the child. It's not uncommon for a coach or teacher to share feedback about a kid w/o the kids knowledge. I think some of ya'll are reading way too much into this.

To me, this was one mom's story of how she got the point of being comfortable not hanging around at the gym as much. She says as much in the first couple sentences (a growing experience for both of them). Maybe the way it happened is a little unorthodox for some but I'm willing to cut her some slack and not read too much into this.

 

[auswi]

I think some of ya'll are reading way too much into this.

To me, this was one mom's story of how she got the point of being comfortable not hanging around at the gym as much. She says as much in the first couple sentences (a growing experience for both of them). Maybe the way it happened is a little unorthodox for some but I'm willing to cut her some slack and not read too much into this.

For sure the most likely explanation is the simple one but the original post leaves unanswered questions. For me 'cutting of slack' does not replace me being an equal part of the parent/coach/triad.

There is definitely an issue with equal consultation/ communication if nothing else...this for me is a red flag.

 

[Canadian_gym_mom]

I wonder if everyone would be OK with mom canceling a parent teacher conference just because daughter said everything is going fine in school. I don't see a lot of difference personally.

I don't see the comparison with this. If you want to take it to comparing school, it would be the equivalent of asking mom not to volunteer on the classroom 5 days a week.

Or just go sit there as so many people here have said their children's schools are completely ok with... (Blows my mind!)

 

[cbifoja]

I don't see the comparison with this. If you want to take it to comparing school, it would be the equivalent of asking mom not to volunteer on the classroom 5 days a week.

Or just go sit there as so many people here have said their children's schools are completely ok with... (Blows my mind!)

Like I said before, I'm referring to the idea of the kid making the decisions about where mom is and isn't allowed to be.

 

[wandrewsjr]

I am perplexed by the current of opinion in this thread. OP's daughter is considered rude for expressing her desire that her mom leave the gym during practice. Coach is considered to be "raising red flags" by celebrating the daughter's expressing said opinion that mom should leave during practice. Wouldn't telling this kid, "You are rude, I am the parent and the parent(ie authority figure) decides wherever they wish to be and whatever they wish to do" set her up as more likely to be the victim of abuse from an authority figure she knows? Aren't we supposed to be raising girls to question what makes them embarrassed or uncomfortable and speak up when they feel that way? Though as parents we may wish to be there to protect them from everything, a girl's confidence in herself is always her first and best defense.

No one is trying to take away this parent's "right" to be there, I don't know where that came from. I see a girl who is taking control of her gymnastics and a coach who is celebrating one of his kids taking control of her gymnastics.

Anyway, back to the OP, you keep on raising that "rude" girl the way you are.

 

[GymmieC]

I'm aware of that. I was using it as an example of a child having decision making rights over the parent

As a parent, if I want to check in on how my daughter is doing in any environment, that is my right.

If this were your daughter /son and you had an inclination that something may be awry, by all means check it out. But if I see a parent post something that she sees as her DD asserting her independence then I don't think it is appropriate to Assume there is a problem, especially if OP is fine with her DD asking her to not watch. I reread her post and I honestly do Not see anything to question. I probably wouldn't question either way. Her DD is not my child.
My own DD doesn't like me watching on most days either. I trust her coaches. Before anyone says anything I don't trust blindly. If I have concerns , i follow my gut. Due to a personal situation /problem I and my children are always on heightened awareness of the harm adults may cause.
All I am trying to say is no one should be judging another's life/relationship etc.
Trust we all know what we are doing and know some of us are not Newbies.

 

[GymmieC]

I am perplexed by the current of opinion in this thread. OP's daughter is considered rude for expressing her desire that her mom leave the gym during practice. Coach is considered to be "raising red flags" by celebrating the daughter's expressing said opinion that mom should leave during practice. Wouldn't telling this kid, "You are rude, I am the parent and the parent(ie authority figure) decides wherever they wish to be and whatever they wish to do" set her up as more likely to be the victim of abuse from an authority figure she knows? Aren't we supposed to be raising girls to question what makes them embarrassed or uncomfortable and speak up when they feel that way? Though as parents we may wish to be there to protect them from everything, a girl's confidence in herself is always her first and best defense.

No one is trying to take away this parent's "right" to be there, I don't know where that came from. I see a girl who is taking control of her gymnastics and a coach who is celebrating one of his kids taking control of her gymnastics.

Anyway, back to the OP, you keep on raising that "rude" girl the way you are.

Okay then! You said it better than I. That up there is what I meant. Amen!

 

[Deleted member 14190]

I am perplexed by the current of opinion in this thread. OP's daughter is considered rude for expressing her desire that her mom leave the gym during practice. Coach is considered to be "raising red flags" by celebrating the daughter's expressing said opinion that mom should leave during practice. Wouldn't telling this kid, "You are rude, I am the parent and the parent(ie authority figure) decides wherever they wish to be and whatever they wish to do" set her up as more likely to be the victim of abuse from an authority figure she knows? Aren't we supposed to be raising girls to question what makes them embarrassed or uncomfortable and speak up when they feel that way? Though as parents we may wish to be there to protect them from everything, a girl's confidence in herself is always her first and best defense.

No one is trying to take away this parent's "right" to be there, I don't know where that came from. I see a girl who is taking control of her gymnastics and a coach who is celebrating one of his kids taking control of her gymnastics.

Anyway, back to the OP, you keep on raising that "rude" girl the way you are.

b r a v o

 

[B.Gold]

Anyway.. The OP is long gone. I'd be long gone too. This post got ridiculous.

 

[sshreed]

I know my kiddo has a love hate relationship with me being at practice. My hubby has retired so he does the drop off most of the time. Once a month or so I go and watch a bit. My nerves are better and so are hers. My kiddo is on her journey. Sure we pay, drive, and cheer... But it is her journey.

 

[Deleted member 18037]

I am perplexed by the current of opinion in this thread. OP's daughter is considered rude for expressing her desire that her mom leave the gym during practice. Coach is considered to be "raising red flags" by celebrating the daughter's expressing said opinion that mom should leave during practice. Wouldn't telling this kid, "You are rude, I am the parent and the parent(ie authority figure) decides wherever they wish to be and whatever they wish to do" set her up as more likely to be the victim of abuse from an authority figure she knows? Aren't we supposed to be raising girls to question what makes them embarrassed or uncomfortable and speak up when they feel that way? Though as parents we may wish to be there to protect them from everything, a girl's confidence in herself is always her first and best defense.

No one is trying to take away this parent's "right" to be there, I don't know where that came from. I see a girl who is taking control of her gymnastics and a coach who is celebrating one of his kids taking control of her gymnastics.

Anyway, back to the OP, you keep on raising that "rude" girl the way you are.

Yep, many a girl has ended up in abusive relationships because they have been taught not to speak up for themselves. I want my kid to challenge me. As for tone you don't know unless you were there.

I have a 4th grader. She is getting to the age where she doesn't want huge PDAs with her Mom ax she walks into school or with all the kids watching when she gets off the bus. I just can't imagine telling her sorry you don't get to decide what I do, I'm the parent.

Respect is a 2 way street. If I want her to respect me, I need to respect her.

 

[needcoffee]

Meh. There are ways to say things nicely and appropriately.

 

[DefiniteMaybe]

I just skimmed through this thread and found the whole thing pretty fascinating.
Perspective is everything.
As a mom of several gymnasts who've trained in different gyms with completely different gym "cultures," I think interpretation of OP would depend on your personal experience. In our current gym situation, I would interpret the coaches response as an accolade that my child was gaining independence--a critical step in the growing up process. However, in some of our other gym/coach situations, the same comment would've raised red flags. The daughter's request could be concerning, or it could simply indicate that she wants the freedom to learn and take risks without the distraction of extra eyes on her. A perfectionist child might not want her mom or other observers (who she may want to impress) watch her "fail her way to success."
As far as the tone of the daughter's request--I think different parents have different tolerances for how their kids speak to them. Personally, (maybe because of my southern roots) I would've gently reprimanded my daughter for the way in which she addressed the matter with me. It sounds like the daughter was frustrated and directed the frustration toward her mother. The kid is human. We all probably do similar at times. But, that doesn't make it okay. For my family anyway. So, for me, my first job as her mom would've been to talk to her about the way in which she "requested" that I stop watching. Next, I would've made sure I understood WHY she made the request. THEN, depending on which gym situation we were in when the request was made, why the request was made, and which daughter made the request, I might've respected DD's wishes and stopped watching altogether.
We are all very limited on information with this type of post, so we are naturally going to fill in the gaps with our own knowledge/fears/experiences and therefore, have varying and sometimes very strong opinions and concerns.
Interesting stuff.

 

[nyc gym mom]

Honestly, I don't see any of this and I'm usually very quick to pick up on anything inappropriate or any 'funny business'. All I see is a mom celebrating a milestone in that her kid does not want her in the gym. Sounds like the lines of communication are wide open between kid and parent. OP acknowledged that she noticed more to the situation and the details came out later re: the other parents watching. It also sounds like there is a certain level of candor with OP and the coach (I don't have this with DD's coaches but I'm sure it exists for some out there!). I also think that by giving the examples she does of not giving a thumbs up or making an effort to comfort her kid if she is hurt or frustrated she is just trying to say she is not CGM. I've gone to pick up DD a little early from practice before and noticed she was with an ice pack...I did not rush out to see what was wrong figuring that if it's truly urgent I would've been called. (And I've gotten that dreaded phone call when an injury was more serious and needed my immediate attention.)

NutterButter, you nailed it in your read and my intent!

 

[nyc gym mom]

The child simply asked her mom not to Watch her because she doesn't like it..... Let's not confuse the. Issue. And clearly the child was telling the coach for some time that she was annoyed and made the very difficult decision to speak up .... Again let's not confuse the issue. The coach was proud of the kid for speaking up because of how impossible a conversation that was. The child needed someone to support her, which the coach and thankfully the parent did. Obviously some parents here would of told the child no, and scolded them for this. I am just happy that the tone of this board has shifted over the years and people are starting to realize that parental presence often does more harm than good. Sure a few kids can deal with it, just like my grandma who smoked and drank every day of her life lived to her late 80"s.... Again what may work for a select few is harmful to most. I am not addressing the whole red flag grooming thing bexause it isn't the topic. In my opinion the op is an excellent parent.

Hi loved your take. The only thing off, is the coach gets my kid (she had not been telling coach she wanted me out though). I think it finally became clear to DD that night and she talked to me. Coach also gets me and my humor and knew I too could hear her comment as well.---

 

[nyc gym mom]

I get the celebration but like others I don't get why your DD felt the need. My biggest issue is the coaches reaction. And sadly in this era with pedifiles lurking around every corner I would want an open gym policy. I want to know I could walk in at any time and visualize that everything is as it should be. That said I don't usually stay unless I am incredibly tired (to far to go home) and than I read or surf the net. It was the coaches response. I personally would have felt better if they had a different reaction that opened up a conversation. The way it is written almost sounds like the coach was looking to distance u from gym. I am happy that for you that it has made you feel good, I personally would be uncomfortable.[/QUOTE

Not all kids address concerns in the most appropriate way. It doesn't always happen in a nice, polite and controlled fashion. Could be that this kid is in the midst of puberty. Or maybe she has an explosive personality. Or maybe the kid really just plain disrespectful. Who knows. OP did explain the reason for her DD's frustration however. Another parent had been openly cheering another child during practice and this made the DD feel uncomfortable. I understand this sentiment and agree that parental cheering should be saved for a meet (side bar: this means that whatever practice space they have, parents have access to the athletes; many gyms have a viewing area separated from the gym by windows, this does not seem to be the case here). My DD would be mortified if parents were allowed to be within hearing distance since she has had many, many days that don't go well for her which result in tears at some point. She doesn't care if her teammates/coaches see this but people from the outside, not so much. The OP called her DD out on the mis-directed anger.

And everyone is jumping to conclusions because the coach cheered on the gymnast for telling mom to leave. We don't know if the coach actually told the child that he was proud of her. He may have told the mom this but it doesn't mean that this exchange ever happened with the child. It's not uncommon for a coach or teacher to share feedback about a kid w/o the kids knowledge. I think some of ya'll are reading way too much into this.

To me, this was one mom's story of how she got the point of being comfortable not hanging around at the gym as much. She says as much in the first couple sentences (a growing experience for both of them). Maybe the way it happened is a little unorthodox for some but I'm willing to cut her some slack and not read too much into this.

Glad you could see it for what it was. A growth experience for us both. DD was in no way disrespectful, just frustrated when she spoke. I quickly called that put. Coach and I have good relationship, comfortable in speaking openly and she too gets my excitement in watching my kid further own her journey. Kicked out was obviously a poor choice of words on my part.. But that was what I used with coach and others that know me.

 

[nyc gym mom]

I still don't get what the big deal is with the OP's story.

This thread reminds me of the time when DS's kindergarten teacher commented to me that DS and his group of friends reminded her of a college frat. I thought her comparison was absolutely hilarious even though I find college frats deeply offensive. She wasn't at all suggesting that DS would one day do some of the infamous things frats are in the news for but instead was speaking to the exceptionally tight bond DS and his group of friends had (and 5 years later this group STILL drives teachers nuts). I told the other moms what the teacher had said about our boys and I was the only parent in the group who thought the comment was funny. Most of the other moms thought it was disrespectful and offensive of the teacher to say that. The teacher meant no disrespect at all towards the boys she was actually very tuned into all kiddos in her class. In retrospect, I don't think the teacher would have made the same comparison to any other parent because I had known her for a few years because DD also had her. Along these lines - I don't think the coach's comment that he is proud of the OP's DD is at all an indication of disrespect. Yeah, sure you can read all you want into it, but in this case it seems like an indicator of what the coach/parent relationship is like. Nothing else.

You nailed it!!

 

[nyc gym mom]

I am perplexed by the current of opinion in this thread. OP's daughter is considered rude for expressing her desire that her mom leave the gym during practice. Coach is considered to be "raising red flags" by celebrating the daughter's expressing said opinion that mom should leave during practice. Wouldn't telling this kid, "You are rude, I am the parent and the parent(ie authority figure) decides wherever they wish to be and whatever they wish to do" set her up as more likely to be the victim of abuse from an authority figure she knows? Aren't we supposed to be raising girls to question what makes them embarrassed or uncomfortable and speak up when they feel that way? Though as parents we may wish to be there to protect them from everything, a girl's confidence in herself is always her first and best defense.

No one is trying to take away this parent's "right" to be there, I don't know where that came from. I see a girl who is taking control of her gymnastics and a coach who is celebrating one of his kids taking control of her gymnastics.

Anyway, back to the OP, you keep on raising that "rude" girl the way you are.

You got me as well as a few others. Thank you!

 

[nyc gym mom]

Anyway.. The OP is long gone. I'd be long gone too. This post got ridiculous.

 

[nyc gym mom]

Just took a few days off. Some of the post missed the big picture... Obviously I must not be a good story teller to forums.