Parents mid-gym crisis

[wallinbl]

^^^ but WHY do they put themselves through it? That's part of a gymnast's psyche I will never understand. (That was supposed to point to lizzielacs post...oops)

Because it's ever so rewarding. Much like running a marathon, it seems crazy to everyone else, but it feels great when you do it. I have trouble walking because of my knees after years of soccer, but would I go back and not play? No. In fact, I'd tell my former self not to quit so soon and to keep playing. To be able to spend that much time on something I loved that much was great. Now, my time's fractured all over the place, and I'll never have that kind of thing again until I retire.

 

[curlymomof3]

I am stunned to find out you still feel the stress even after your DDs have been accepted to college. I would never have guessed the parental stress would continue. I would have guessed it would be more like relief having finally crossed the finish line. Congratulations to both and their individual choices!!

This surprises me too! I always thought that college gym would be the reward for all the years invested. The college girls definitely make it look fun!! I never considered the fact that they still have to push themselves to succeed in college. Definitely puts a different spin on things.

 

[LizzieLac]

^^^ but WHY do they put themselves through it? That's part of a gymnast's psyche I will never understand. (That was supposed to point to lizzielacs post...oops)

Because they love it! Just like you can't help who you fall in love with... When they no longer love the sport, that's when you talk pulling the plug, I guess.

 

[wgymmom]

I don't really see the problem with a gymmie who is best friends with her teammates. Other kids at school won't generally get someone's dedication to such a consuming sport.

I get stressed over DD's gymnastics too, but she seriously lives for it. If she had to quit, she'd be completely devastated.

And I am with the PP who said that they are missing out - on a lot of other kinds of stress! I don't know about you, but I am perfectly fine if DD is too busy for boys and drama!

 

[Tbrov]

It is important for me to separate my experience from my daughters' experience. I don't love gymnastics. I am fearful at meets, don't watch practices, and fret about everything you said. I jump whenever the phone rings when they are at practice; afraid one of them has been injured. (I have 2 L10 teenagers). If I could travel back in time, I'm not sure I would sign them up for that pre-school tumbling class. I honestly don't know.

However, my daughters DO love gymnastics. They love competing, learning new skills, their teammates, the travel, the opportunity to get a college scholarship. They belong to a tribe of gymnasts, and their friendships are closer than any I had at their age. Their experience of being a teen is alien to me. They have been injured, and they have struggled with fears, but they have not wanted to stop. They love it.

I am not going to stop supporting them due to MY fears or lack of understanding of why they do what they do. I'm going to bun their hair and pay their fees and drive them to meets on time. And I have worked to find something for myself; cycling, knitting, etc. Theirs is theirs and mine is mine. Distraction and finding fulfillment for myself rather than being gym mom all the time.

I guess I'm trying to advise you to let your daughter own her experience as much as you can and try to find a way to be OK with it. (unless the impact on the entire family and finances are intolerable - in which case throw what I said out the window).

 

[Tbrov]

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[bookworm]

This surprises me too! I always thought that college gym would be the reward for all the years invested. The college girls definitely make it look fun!! I never considered the fact that they still have to push themselves to succeed in college. Definitely puts a different spin on things.

I too thought the stress would be less when they got to college gym...you see all the girls having such "fun" with their teams but the whole "team" concept is really a dog eat dog world....top 6 girls compete and they are always competing for a line up spot , and THAT my friends, is VERY stressful for both parent and especially gymnast. Girls who get scholarships are (generally) pretty decent gymnasts who aren't used to coaches telling them they won't compete because someone else is perceived to be a better fit for the line up/they don't like how much you weigh/ how you look/ who you hang out with/ what gym you come from etc ...in JO, you pay your 100 buck entry fee and if they get a 28 AA, oh well, they can still compete in the next meet as long as the entry fee is paid....give me JO anyday

The whole "fighting for a line up spot" is real and while my college age daughter has competed regularly and done well, the stress of her "not making lineups" is always in the back of her and my minds ....and many a tear has been shed along the way , and being a distance away from her makes this whole scenario, extremely stressful for me. I really went into the whole college gym thing with rose colored glasses and to be frank, got quite the "bit*h slap" her freshman year because when she was being recruited we were told she would "surely be in the line ups no problem blah blah" ...the other unspoken "stress" is that their scholarship is always on the line , and certain coaches don't hesitate to threaten girls ("we'll give your scholarship to someone else if you don't get XX skill") ...another thing I didn't think of is that her time is never her own anymore ...she doesn't get to come home for the summers (because you are expected to stay at the school and train with them if you want to be/remain in lineups) , and Christmas "vacation" was all of 5 days....don't mean to be Debbie Downer but this is how it seems to be....but if you talk to her , she says "there's nothing that compares to being a D1 athlete"and she loves it

 

[Tbrov]

I was thinking a bit more about your post, and wanted to respond to the another aspect of it; the part of if she doesn't get "over the hump" and decides to quit. I don't think you have the obligation to push her to keep going (sports psych, etc) unless she asks for that help. In fact, I laugh at the idea that I could make my girls keep going if they didn't want to. You can't force someone to work out for hours every day. You could physically drag them to the gym and they'd be lazy and the coach would tell you it was a waste of time. I understand I could encourage them to work through their fears to keep doing gym or I could keep reminding them how much they are missing out on and how easy life would be if they quit. Depending on their desires though, one of those things wouldn't be appropriate, and would be forcing my will instead of supporting theirs.

 

[B.Gold]

And I have worked to find something for myself; cycling, knitting, etc. Theirs is theirs and mine is mine. Distraction and finding fulfillment for myself rather than being gym mom all the time.

I guess I'm trying to advise you to let your daughter own her experience as much as you can and try to find a way to be OK with it. (unless the impact on the entire family and finances are intolerable - in which case throw what I said out the window).

This is really insightful, truthfully, this is probably the real problem. I knew when my kids grew up there would be a void that I would need to fill I just hadn't expected to have to fill it when my youngest was only 11. Would you teach me to knit??? Lol...

 

[B.Gold]

I too thought the stress would be less when they got to college gym...you see all the girls having such "fun" with their teams but the whole "team" concept is really a dog eat dog world....top 6 girls compete and they are always competing for a line up spot , and THAT my friends, is VERY stressful for both parent and especially gymnast. Girls who get scholarships are (generally) pretty decent gymnasts who aren't used to coaches telling them they won't compete because someone else is perceived to be a better fit for the line up/they don't like how much you weigh/ how you look/ who you hang out with/ what gym you come from etc ...in JO, you pay your 100 buck entry fee and if they get a 28 AA, oh well, they can still compete in the next meet as long as the entry fee is paid....give me JO anyday

The whole "fighting for a line up spot" is real and while my college age daughter has competed regularly and done well, the stress of her "not making lineups" is always in the back of her and my minds ....and many a tear has been shed along the way , and being a distance away from her makes this whole scenario, extremely stressful for me. I really went into the whole college gym thing with rose colored glasses and to be frank, got quite the "bit*h slap" her freshman year because when she was being recruited we were told she would "surely be in the line ups no problem blah blah" ...the other unspoken "stress" is that their scholarship is always on the line , and certain coaches don't hesitate to threaten girls ("we'll give your scholarship to someone else if you don't get XX skill") ...another thing I didn't think of is that her time is never her own anymore ...she doesn't get to come home for the summers (because you are expected to stay at the school and train with them if you want to be/remain in lineups) , and Christmas "vacation" was all of 5 days....don't mean to be Debbie Downer but this is how it seems to be....but if you talk to her , she says "there's nothing that compares to being a D1 athlete"and she loves it

WOW!!! I love this naked honesty. Your experience is very enlightening. Thank You!!!

Would be will to share if your DD is in a top 6, 10 or 25 school? Just wondering if it gets more cut throat based on how competitive the school is.

 

[Amusibus]

Could you schedule a weekly mother-daughter time, like maybe brunch out somewhere together? Even just that hour or two of one-on-one time might help you feel a little closer.

 

[SurpriseGymMom]

I wonder what makes THEM love it too. When I see the younger ones who train really long hours, some of them twice/day, cry during practice because it's so hard and painful.... I wouldn't love it, lol!!

 

[bookworm]

WOW!!! I love this naked honesty. Your experience is very enlightening. Thank You!!!

Would be will to share if your DD is in a top 6, 10 or 25 school? Just wondering if it gets more cut throat based on how competitive the school is.

I think all college coaches have their own brand of crazy and nasty...I do think it gets more cut throat with the increasing competitiveness of the school...and certain conferences have that ilk as well...suffice it to say, they don't all "love each other" as the sideline displays would lead you to think...

 

[Deleted member D3987]

considering everything that has been said, gymnastics is a lifestyle. you either embrace it or you don't. it's this way for coaches also.

 

[Deleted member D3987]

It is important for me to separate my experience from my daughters' experience. I don't love gymnastics. I am fearful at meets, don't watch practices, and fret about everything you said. I jump whenever the phone rings when they are at practice; afraid one of them has been injured. (I have 2 L10 teenagers). If I could travel back in time, I'm not sure I would sign them up for that pre-school tumbling class. I honestly don't know.

However, my daughters DO love gymnastics. They love competing, learning new skills, their teammates, the travel, the opportunity to get a college scholarship. They belong to a tribe of gymnasts, and their friendships are closer than any I had at their age. Their experience of being a teen is alien to me. They have been injured, and they have struggled with fears, but they have not wanted to stop. They love it.

I am not going to stop supporting them due to MY fears or lack of understanding of why they do what they do. I'm going to bun their hair and pay their fees and drive them to meets on time. And I have worked to find something for myself; cycling, knitting, etc. Theirs is theirs and mine is mine. Distraction and finding fulfillment for myself rather than being gym mom all the time.

I guess I'm trying to advise you to let your daughter own her experience as much as you can and try to find a way to be OK with it. (unless the impact on the entire family and finances are intolerable - in which case throw what I said out the window).

this post sums it all up very well.

 

[profmom]

Tbrov, I just have to say that I loved your post. However, I can't imagine having TWO L10s. It's hard even to imagine having one. As mine creep up the levels, I do realize that I adjust as well and things that previously looked impossible or horrifying to me are happening and I haven't developed permanent nerve tremors, but just . . . wow. I salute your boundless supply of intestinal fortitude.

That being said, your kids owe you an even better nursing home than mine owe me.

 

[B.Gold]

considering everything that has been said, gymnastics is a lifestyle. you either embrace it or you don't. it's this way for coaches also.

I work daily to try to embrace it. Frankly, it's a little embarrassing to say, but its the hardest thing I've ever done. My husband embraces it wholly and when I try to derail the train he immediately puts it back on course. He was the athlete, I wasnt. it comes much easier for him. He totally "gets her" I don't- but I try.

Thanks to all for all the supportive replies!!!

 

[Shooosh]

This may not be what you want to hear, buuuuttttt...
My OWN personal experience as a gymnast was that I LOVED it. All my best friends were at the gym. I loved everything about it. Until I didn't. I got really burnt out and my parents let me make my own decisions. I quit as a level 10 (I had just turned 15 and was a freshman). Boys and high school just lured me in.
I will be forever grateful for my years in gym. I can still do some pretty awesome stuff ( I am in my mid thirties) and that's always a fun conversation starter.
Now, though, I look back at my childhood and wish I'd had the chance to try softball, or fencing, or Girl Scouts! Or horseback riding!!! WHY oh WHY didn't I beg to do that!?!?
I feel sometimes like I don't have much to show for all my years of hard work. My dad's in his sixties and he still loves playing baseball...can't exactly do that with gym. I never gave college gym a sporting chance since I quit before I was of an age to be considered.
I don't know how I'd have felt if my parents made me quit to try other stuff, but I do know that I do have some regrets about missing my chance on a few things. You know, "the grass is always greener..."

 

[Daffodil]

Honestly, I worry about this myself. I have 2 gymmies, both in elementary school. I worry sometimes that they will regret missing out on other activities. But, they truly seem to love gymnastics, love their teammates, and are proud of the things they can do (even if they are not always at the top of the podium). I always fall back on the incredible life lessons that gymnastics can teach them: perseverance, resiliency, setting personal goals, supporting teammates. My attitude is that it is their sport. If they ever choose to stop, so be it. But, while they want to do it, I will support it. We always have to make choices in life, and there are consequences to every choice that we make. That is a good life lesson too. So, at the end of the day, if they look back and regret their choice, that is a lesson in and of itself. But, to be honest, I was involved in a million activities as a kid, and I sometimes regret not focussing more on specific talents rather than being a jack of all trades. I think hindsight is always 20/20 and we will not know how they will ultimately feel about it all until afterwards. We can only support our children and try to enjoy the ride.