Parents More on jealousy

[AgingHippie]

I am so bummed and just wanted to vent here. DD has been confirmed to compete L7 this upcoming season, only her and one other gymmie are going from 5 to 7. You may remember me talking about how close all the girls on her L5 team were. They were literally all best friends, they did everything together and so far they have remained in the same practice group although I am not sure if this will change now.

One teammate is not handling it well, she is being nasty to everyone but especially the two going to L 7. She is constantly brining up last seasons scores when she was on top and actually quoting other girls scores from the season. She has also been throwing minor tantrums when someone gets a new skill at practice, I think it is holding her back. She remembers more about DD's score pattern then we do. Her parents have stopped talking to us as well although we really do not see them much other than at pick up. I have done the awkward smile and wave but the whole thing is just really uncomfortable for everybody. I sure hope it calms down.

Would you try to make small talk and hope it blows over or just avoid them at all costs? It just stinks.

 

[QueenBee]

Avoid.

 

[MeetDirector]

Aging -

From experience, it will only get worse as she progresses in the upper optional levels and her friends don't (for whatever reason). Your job as parent is to not feed the jealousy monster. Just let it go. She has her goals and you need to be there to help her achieve those goals. Don't let her get sucked into the jealousy thing either. She will come to find out that her true friends are the ones that celebrate her successes as she celebrates theirs.

Good Luck.

 

[munchkin3]

Be unusually busy.....be normal and make small talk as usual, but leave quickly.
This is NOT your issue. Its the other family's issue.
If they are upset with their DD for not moving....their issue
If the girl is being nasty and rude....her issue (but mention it to the coach.)
Just prepare your DD for this type of behaviour as it wont be the first or the last. Just tell her every practice to FOCUS ON WHAT SHE IS DOING, not on anyone else.....
move away from the problem child....move stations and avoid drama at all cost.

This is going on in our gym too since the level determinations are happening around now.

 

[AgingHippie]

Thanks everyone,

Aging -

From experience, it will only get worse as she progresses in the upper optional levels and her friends don't (for whatever reason). Your job as parent is to not feed the jealousy monster. Just let it go. She has her goals and you need to be there to help her achieve those goals. Don't let her get sucked into the jealousy thing either. She will come to find out that her true friends are the ones that celebrate her successes as she celebrates theirs.

Good Luck.

I think that's what is making this so hard, the girls were all usually so supportive of each other it's a bit shocking. In hindsight the girl that is getting upset was really always on top so I guess we just never had the opportunity to see it the other way around. we are just so bummed.

 

[GymDad9.9]

More time working on skills and less time remembering scores makes for a better (and hopefully) happy gymnast.

I wouldn't give those folks another minute of your time until they show you and your daughter the respect and decency you deserve.

 

[Gymmommy71]

I have said things before about how it's suspicious when people are obsessed about writing down the scores of ALL the gymnasts on the team at meets (not just their own kid) - and I kind of got slammed. But here is one of those exact occasions that some (not all) of those types are keeping their meticulous records for - a gymnast moved up who, gasp!, scored lower the previous season than their kid who didn't move up - and the crazy is coming out!

These people will be tracking your DD's scores in L7 as well, hoping to find numerical evidence that the gym made a big mistake - so be prepared for that as well.

You need to just avoid them as much as possible - and hopefully your daughter gets moved to a different training group.

 

[Tuppy]

Just a supportive hug for you both. Don't think too much. I think in the end, there will be ups and downs, and you can tell you daughter that you hope if that if they have successes that shewill be more supportive than what she has received. Your daughter has worked hard. It's disappointing to find that it doesn't generate happiness for everyone. She should be happy. Don't retaliate to continue this, and she shouldn't focus on negativity. Keep doing what she's doing because she's doing something right.

In terms of the writing down of the scores, I write all our scores down during a meet, but throw the sheet away after a meet or ends up crumbled in the back of my car never to be looked at again. Most of them not legible, when we look down at them. It's a something to do for me, and it ensures, and some of you will laugh that I don't zone out for a few minutes and miss my own daughter's turn, which I may have done once or twice before. So not everyone is a crazy. Or not crazy that way.

 

[Committed]

Just a supportive hug for you both. Don't think too much. I think in the end, there will be ups and downs, and you can tell you daughter that you hope if that if they have successes that shewill be more supportive than what she has received. Your daughter has worked hard. It's disappointing to find that it doesn't generate happiness for everyone. She should be happy. Don't retaliate to continue this, and she shouldn't focus on negativity. Keep doing what she's doing because she's doing something right.

In terms of the writing down of the scores, I write all our scores down during a meet, but throw the sheet away after a meet or ends up crumbled in the back of my car never to be looked at again. Most of them not legible, when we look down at them. It's a something to do for me, and it ensures, and some of you will laugh that I don't zone out for a few minutes and miss my own daughter's turn, which I may have done once or twice before. So not everyone is a crazy. Or not crazy that way.

I do the same thing. I am a bundle of nerves FOR DD. Honestly, if I want a record of everyone's scores, I could easily go on MMS. All of our scores are on there.

Aging- At this point, I would just let things be. It will probably be a few weeks/months before the 'hurt' will start to subside. Personally, I would make it a point to not be in the gym too much right now. It gets a little easier when there is an actual group change - and practice times are different. Hopefully the other side can take it for what it is.

 

[GlobalNomad]

My experience is that this happens less as they progress in optionals, because by these levels the girls know which skills they have ready to compete and which level those skills are. DD's core friends range from level 6/7 to level 9/10, even though they were once all competing at the same level.

 

[Rockygym]

So sorry to hear. I agree, give it a few weeks, minimize time there, they will either come around or not. Keep up the encouraging messages to your DD as she should be proud of her accomplishments!

 

[cadybearsmommy]

Avoid them at all costs, however if it doesn't stop soon I would bring it up with the coach. If the coach is already aware, I'm sure she is handling it but there's a good chance that these things are being said out of earshot of the coach. That behavior is completely unacceptable and I know it would not fly at our gym if the coaches were made aware. Your dd and her teammate don't deserve to be belittled or bullied b/c they are moving up, no more than the ones who aren't moving up deserve to be treated poorly b/c of that. Good sportsmanship and being a good teammate is important in gymnastics just like it is in other sports.

 

[kayjaybe]

I wouldn't go out of my way to avoid them or to make small talk. I wouldn't try to hard in either direction.

Unfortunately, this sometimes happens. Because they are so focused on their dd's disappointment, they forget to realize that your dd moving up has nothing to do with their dd NOT moving up. I assume your gym doesn't have a limit like "only X number of girls can move up per season." So what happens with your dd has absolutely no bearing on what happens with theirs. Just keep that in your mind (and remind your dd to keep that in hers), even if they can't realize it in theirs.

And scores at the prior level have nothing to do with moving up, at least not in our gym (besides the state required score to move levels). One of our girls was state champion AA in L8 in 2015. Also did very well at regionals. She repeated L8 for 2016. She was the UB state champion, too, but lost her dismount, giants, and couldn't get the release move. She had to do a 2nd year of L8, despite everyone thinking she was a lock for moving up. (She got everything back by the end of the season and is slated to compete L9 this year.)

 

[AgingHippie]

Thanks for all your kind words everyone. I really appreciate it.

Our gym required certain skills to allow the girls to do an L6 meet to score out (they have their own standards for getting out of 6) so it was very clear what was expected. Things started going down hill once everyone found out which girls were going to be able to compete in that meet, now that these two girls succeeded with the score needed it's just gotten worse.

I hear what you all are saying, we will just keep on keeping on. DD is really very excited so luckily that's helping her get through.

 

[Deleted member 18037]

There is really 2 parts here.

First is the parents. Easy peasy. Avoid them if possible be pleasant and make small talk if they can't be avoided. Keep talk as non specific as possible and redirect from scores. Things like I am sure the coach has a plan for them all. We just trust the process. You should ask the coach. Really we don't focus on scores, we focus on skills and hard work. We are just happy she is working hard and having fun. Be the Derek Jeter of gymnastics, grace and dignity.


Next is the girls behavior. If this is going on in the gym the coaches should be addressing it. And if they are not clued in, they should be. The reason children can not get their own places at 5 is that they still need direction and supervision.

I would also brainstorm and role play with your daughter how she wants to and could possible handle this pill err kid. Some approaches.

Clearly her bucket is empty, and she is trying to fill hers by stealing from the other kids. They should notice when the pill, errr kid does something well and take the high road and complement her.

Again, redirect back toward skills, and be very nonchalant about scores. Oh, last year is done I am very focused on getting my xyz better or focused on building up my strength etc.....

And if the kid keeps bringing up the past just directly tell her look I'm over last year, I am working on now and the future. Wow I can't believe you can be bothered to worry about all those scores they are over. I find I would rather spend my time practicing and improving then worry about how last year went, you should give it a try. If all you want to do is relive the past, please keep to yourself. And then the last option just walk away.

 

[Tigtimes]

Aging -
it is heartbreaking when this happens between teammates, especially close ones. Unfortunately it happens and it won't be the last time. We had tears the other night with similar type of issue, usually creeps in this time of year when the "nasties" rear their head. I have always bet that in most cases it starts outside the gym, expectations (often real and often perceived) by adults are stressed and it carries over to the child. When the apple cart gets upset, well ......
My advice to my own kid was keep your head down, focus on you, it will pass as it always does. It is not easy for the child but again unfortunately that's the way it is.

 

[blueredzone]

If that particular gymie is being mean to everyone else it maybe something other than jealousy. If it was jealousy I would think it would only be pointed at the girls moving up.

Maybe something going on with the other parents and that's why you feel that disconnect.

I think sometimes people are to quick to point the jealousy card. When the issue is completely different.

Not saying this is the case. Just saying we have gone through job losses, divorces, or close ones deaths. That could look from afar as jealousy in our gym. But they were completely different issues.

Imagine if you were going through tough times and everyone wanted to avoid you.

 

[GymDad9.9]

If that particular gymie is being mean to everyone else it maybe something other than jealousy. If it was jealousy I would think it would only be pointed at the girls moving up.

Maybe something going on with the other parents and that's why you feel that disconnect.

I think sometimes people are to quick to point the jealousy card. When the issue is completely different.

Not saying this is the case. Just saying we have gone through job losses, divorces, or close ones deaths. That could look from afar as jealousy in our gym. But they were completely different issues.

Imagine if you were going through tough times and everyone wanted to avoid you.

Allow me to share what my daughter ( & others) is (are) going through presently. A fellow teammate, at one time very close to my daughter and close to a number of girls, was bullying my child for a number of months. And has bullied others. Addressed with gym but was not handled exactly to my liking. When bully's parent found out she blamed it on frustration from being injured and natural aggressive leadership behavior. All bullsh*t. Bullying stops for a short period but starts again not only with my daughter but others as well. Injury long time ago so that has no relevance if it ever did. Since gym is not handling as well as it could and should I am helping my daughter navigate the behavior and build her confidence to handle this child head on, which will serve her well hopefully going forward because this type of behavior is not specific to this one bully. I guess my point is that it really doesn't matter what the "card" is, the behavior has no place in a gym and should stop regardless of where it's coming from.

 

[AgingHippie]

If that particular gymie is being mean to everyone else it maybe something other than jealousy. If it was jealousy I would think it would only be pointed at the girls moving up.

Maybe something going on with the other parents and that's why you feel that disconnect.

I think sometimes people are to quick to point the jealousy card. When the issue is completely different.

Not saying this is the case. Just saying we have gone through job losses, divorces, or close ones deaths. That could look from afar as jealousy in our gym. But they were completely different issues.

Imagine if you were going through tough times and everyone wanted to avoid you.

It's definitely related to the moves up in this instance. I think the attitude with the others teammates is stemming from them being close to some of the skills she is having trouble with. Last night the mom of the upset gymmie actually said something really nasty to the mom of the other gymmie moving up, specifically related to the changes. I am glad I don't go in the gym. Hopefully the practice groups will be changed
this evening.

 

[cadybearsmommy]

It's definitely related to the moves up in this instance. I think the attitude with the others teammates is stemming from them being close to some of the skills she is having trouble with. Last night the mom of the upset gymmie actually said something really nasty to the mom of the other gymmie moving up, specifically related to the changes. I am glad I don't go in the gym. Hopefully the practice groups will be changed
this evening.

Well if the mom has that kind of attitude, it's no wonder where the kid is getting it from!