Parents Need Advice - Embarrassing to even have to ask

[Empowered]

I haven't posted in ages so apologies in advance for the absence...

So my daughter just turned 8 and is a L5 gymnast. She and one of her teammates did an extremely boneheaded thing at the gym the other day. I don't know the logisitics of how they did what they did, but somehow the two of them marked their names into a $4,000 balance beam. Both girls owned up to what they did and didn't make any excuses for why and accepted and completed their punishment. All of the girls on their team have been told if they ever do anything like this again they will be removed from the team. They understand this as do I.

My question is, as a parent what would you have your child do to atone for this incredibly stupid lapse in judgement? I obviously cannot afford to buy a $4,000 beam or even pay for half of one (not than anyone is aking), but I feel like we should do something and I don't know what. I've had her write a letter apologizing to her coaches and teammates that she will take to the gym tomorrow but that seems so small.

My other concern is I don't want my daughter to be permanently punished for this. I am all of a sudden so worried that all the Team Coordinator or her coaches and even the other parents will ever think of her as is the bad little girl who messed up a beam. Gymnastics seems to have such a long memory about bad things and such a short memory about good ones.

I also want to note that in no way am I excusing what she did. She is grounded from TV, her gameboy and we took away all of her leotards (except one) until she can prove that she has more respect for her gym and can earn them back. I feel like the worst parent ever right now and I am just so worried that this will have a permanent effect on what was supposed to be the beginning of her time in gymnastics.

Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated.

 

[Billy]

I think all of our kids have done some boneheaded thing or another. Don't be embarrassed. If anyone has a perfect child, then they're the only ones to look down their noses anyway.

As for atonement, perhaps your DD and her teammate could offer a day of service to the gym. Cleaning comes to mind. Maybe a little bit of work to take care of the gym will give them a new respect for it.

 

[bogwoppit]

Totally agree with Shawn. A day of work scrubbing mats, toilets and slaving in the gym is just what they need to remind them of how hard people work to provide them with the things they use.

Don't worry about the long term, coaches are always dealing with something or other, they won't forget but other issues and gymnasts will take their place.

I too would come down very hard on this behaviour. Vandelism is not acceptable. Now I sound like Supernanny! My son once threw a bottle of paint (which exploded everywhere) across his bedroom as he was mad. It took hime two years of birthday and xmas money to buy the new carpet, wall paint and sheets for his bed. He never forgot and he sure knows the cost of replacing things you ruin!

Our kids all mess up at some time or another, the key is to make sure they get it that time. As in if you make the punishment fit the crime they probably won't do it again.

Here's a (((HUG))) for you, you're a great Mom and you are doing a great job parenting in this tough world.

 

[msl529]

Oh that is such a bummer! I am sorry that you as a Mom feel like such a heel right now! You don't need to feel that way, b/c kids are kids and they do stupid things once in a while, but I am sure you can't help but feel crummy. It's like, "why did MY kid have to be the one to do this???AARRGH!!"

I agree w/ Shawn, some sort of help at the gym would be great. But hopefully, it's something SHE can do, and feel the pain of, not something YOU will end up doing FOR her. After all, she is young. Some sort of simple, repetitive task that she can't really mess up, a' la' banging erasers as in the olden days, or something. Cleaning may get to be more of a task for you instead of her.

If this gym has any decent adults running it, who understand that all kids make mistakes, they will probably get over it, and not hold it against you/her. If they 'blacklist' her, then get the heck out of there, you don't want to be where people do not understand children.

Best of luck!

 

[NotAMom]

Kids do stupid things (heck, I still do). Just count your blessings that the beam was just marked and nothing was broken (then you really should pay). While they should pay for their mischief with harsh punishment, I wouldn't worry about them being scarred for life from this one incident alone, so long as they don't become repeat offenders. Any reasonable adult should understand that.

 

[Aussie_coach]

The beam would not need to be replaced, just the beam cover. Perhaps have her do extra chores to earn 1/2 of the cost of a new beam cover (say about $60). She only did half the damage.

I wouldn't worry too much coaches know kids do stupid thoughtless things sometimes, they spend enough time dealing with kids to remember. I'm sure it will be forgotten before too long.

 

[mariposa]

I agree with everyone else. Some kind of restitution to the gym. You have disciplined her at home with what you felt was fair. I don't imagine the coaches will label her or anything. It isn't your fault. Kids do dumb things sometimes. I think the apologies was a good idea, too. Hugs. I would probably be feeling the way you are, too. Figure a way for her to fix things and move on. I bet this was a huge learning experience for her and her friend.

 

[Bobby]

Is it just me?!
I find it very odd to think that a couple of 8 y/os would go unsupervised around a beam long enough to do something like that without being observed.
I'm inclined to think that the fault here is divided at least 3 ways - the third being whoever was supposed to be supervising.

 

[gymnut1]

Is it just me?!
I find it very odd to think that a couple of 8 y/os would go unsupervised around a beam long enough to do something like that without being observed.
I'm inclined to think that the fault here is divided at least 3 ways - the third being whoever was supposed to be supervising.

I think kids can do stuff while looking like they are just waiting in line.

 

[emorymom]

I do not ever blame anyone but kids when they vandalize etc. At worst it's blaming the victim. At best it's suggesting -- look, I'm a SAHM, I'm the one in charge 90% of the time or more -- that kids don't REALLY have an obligation to behave right so I can pay the bills before they shut off the water, or go to the bathroom with the door shut. Is the coach entitled to go to the bathroom and tell team girls to behave and do X while she does? I think so.

I don't think that was done 50 years ago and I don't think it should be done now. Just my opinion.

 

[Gymnasticsgirl521]

How about offering to purchase a beam recovery kit or some items to help re-cover the beam. I would also offer my child up for a day of cleaning the gym. I am sure there are some really nasty jobs in the gym that can be done to help drive the message home.

 

[AlexsGymmyMom]

Don't feel too bad. My oldest son one time scratched circles into a hardwood floor at a house we used to rent when he was 8 or so. I made him call the landlord and apologize and he was grounded from all electronic devices for quite a while! The floor was in pretty rough condition anyway and was being sanded and redone once we moved out but like others have said Kids are going to do dumb things from time to time. Don't sweat it too much. I think for your DD seeing her name on that beam everytime she is at the gym is going to be a little reminder for her for a long time!

 

[gymjoy]

Don't feel too bad. You are not alone. Both my kids have done equally stupid things around that age. I don't believe they meant to do wrong, they were not thinking out the consequences. It's our job as adults to make sure the consequences become clear to them - which you are doing. I'd agree with having her do some cleaning at the gym.
It might be worth your while to have her sit down and do some math. Help her figure out how many hours of work she would need to do at @5.00 per hour to pay for half the re-covering of the beam. She is old enough to understand the correlation of time and money.
Again, don't feel bad. Sounds like your doing a good job as a parent.

 

[gym law mom]

Don't beat yourself up over this. Kids make mistakes, so do adults. Hopefully she has learned a very valuable lesson. I think having her write the letter was a very good idea. You can ask the gym if they think to reinforce the "deed" doing a few hours of cleaning would be a fair way to END this whole saga and go from there. I think the longer it goes on after the fact, the messier the whole thing gets.

 

[Blackie6]

I was kinda think the same thing about the kids being unsupervised long enough to do something like that. While the kids are at fault and been punished (all kids do stupid things at one time in their lives) I do find it strange there was so much down time. My daughter has never had so much down time to get into anything while at practice. My DD had huge L4 team when she was 6 and there still wasn't a heck of alot of time for trouble. Talking, fighting, and line cutting were the worst offenses.

I like Shawn's idea of bringing it back into the gym to do some sort of clean up. Maybe that will make them realize that it is their gym and equipment and they should have pride in their facility. You didn't say how they marked their names into the beam so I'm not sure if it was a pen or somehow scratched in, but if it's pen maybe they can contact company how to get it removed? And, if it's a scratch ( how they found something to scratch into it would scare me alone with small kids around) if it's small, maybe it won't need replacement at all.

Don't be embarrassed though...I got a lil story too. My DD is a spitter. She has Reflux and not to be gross but sometimes regurgitates a little back up into her mouth, especially in the gym. When she was about 4/5 we told her she can get to a bathroom to spit into toilet, garbage can, or if outside spit descretely. One day at pre-team (5 yrs old) at the top of the rope she spit out a gobber that landed on coaches head!!! Ewww! I was mortified, coach was mad, apologies made...we LOL about it today and she hasn't let one slip since!

 

[Empowered]

Thanks all for your advice and support.

As for some of the questions that have been asked regarding supervision and how it was done...

For the person who asked how they had so much down time... They don't really in my estimation. They are constantly supposed to be doing something but with a large group (19 girls on her team - 2 coaches) there are always stations where you have to wait in line. To be fair the Team Coordinator immediately asked the coach how it was that they had so much time to do this while on beam. I don't really care if the coach went in the office to write a novel personally, the only person I blame is my kid who SHOULD have known better.

As for how they did it, apparently you can use your nails to mark the beam surface. I am told older girls do this in practice to mark where they need to stand before a dismount or tumbling pass.

As for restitution, my daughter will be offering her services to clean mats or whatever else they can think of at the gym. I will offer to buy a recovery kit or donate extra hours at the meet the gym will host soon.

My mother has taken this situation to remind me of a few of the decidedly moronic things I did while I was a child and I managed to survive so hopefully she learns a lesson from this and is a better person for it. Thanks again all!

 

[bogwoppit]

My mother has taken this situation to remind me of a few of the decidedly moronic things I did while I was a child and I managed to survive so hopefully she learns a lesson from this and is a better person for it.

Bwahaha, don't you love parents.

 

[NotAMom]

I don't believe they meant to do wrong, they were not thinking out the consequences.

That I have to disagree with. This is not an accident. If kids at 2 can start manipulating situations, at 8 they are far old enough to know that is wrong. You're probably right about them not thinking out the consequences (actually more like ignoring the consequences). But, they are still held responsible because they are old enough to think before they perform such acts.

With that said, like I said, almost all kids live through at least some of that. As long as they learn from it and pay for it through discipline, case is close.

I do find it strange there was so much down time.

Ha! To be truthful, it doesn't take long at all. Kids can be very sneaky you know, which sorta implies what I had just said.

 

[gymjoy]

That I have to disagree with. This is not an accident. If kids at 2 can start manipulating situations, at 8 they are far old enough to know that is wrong. You're probably right about them not thinking out the consequences (actually more like ignoring the consequences). But, they are still held responsible because they are old enough to think before they perform such acts.
With that said, like I said, almost all kids live through at least some of that. As long as they learn from it and pay for it through discipline, case is close.

Okay, I'll concede that I didn't make my point very clearly. They most likely did know it was wrong on some level, but (IMHO) they were probably "testing the system." Kids do that. The ones that pay the consequences are the ones that learn to grow up to be respectful adults.
All in all, I think we are on the same wave-length.

 

[gymnut1]

When my kids have done something wrong my heart always wants to find an excuse for them but my head knows they did know better and they are responsible and must face up to it. Does anyone else die inside watching their kid be punished or am I just a softy.