Parents Need advice re: time to be done?

[Flyaway]

I could use some advice for helping my dd. I can sense that she may be nearing the end of her gymnastics days.

Dd has always been more of a turtle than a hare when it’s come to gym. In some ways that’s served her well, considering that she is still doing gym while many many of her teammates burned out early on. But it has also made Gym an uphill battle. Nothing comes easy. She has had to work hard for everything. She’s a cautious gymnast and that has led to some troubles in acquiring new skills. Most recently, I’ve noticed a lack of confidence which has turned into a mental block on fairly simple skills she’s done for years.

I want to let her know it’s ok to be done. But a part of me is sad that she may end on a low note. I’m trying to figure out how to encourage her and build her up and yet still give her the space to decide if she’s done.

She’s almost 12, currently Xcel Gold. The plan was to do level 6 next year. Making optionals has always been one of her goals. I just don’t know if she has it in her to press on.

 

[Eagleperson]

Has she clearly indicated she may be ready to move on? Or are you just sensing it? I think if she is done, you can celebrate an overall career instead of just the wrapping up of this one season.

My daughter sounds like yours, slow to acquire new skills, more of a workhorse than a show-pony so I have had the same concerns about ending on a high note.

I think that focus can be shifted to something new and exciting on the horizon (my daughter started running cross country recently and while managing two competitive sports has been really tough, I feel like if she decides she is ready to be done with gym, she has a replacement---for lack of a better term---in place). That new thing can be another sport, a school activity...just something to be excited about. What she learned in gymnastics will be beneficial in many other arenas! I think it is okay to be a little sad about the transition but you can help her be excited at the same time for new possibilities.

 

[momnipotent]

What about helping her choose a second activity now in hopes that she might choose to transition to that? I think it’s easier to ‘quit’ if it’s FOR something else instead of just “I’m done” with something. Otherwise, sometimes I like to tell about stories I’ve ‘read’ so with my kids to make conversations less personal so for me it might be something like “Hey, I read an interesting article this morning about how in middle school, a lot of kids change their passions but are afraid to tell their parents. There was this one kid who has played soccer for 7 years and is really good at it, but he dorsnt love it anymore and really wants to pursue music instead, but is afraid to tell his parents because he is afraid that they will be disappointed. I just want to make sure you know that I love watching you do gymnastics and I am so proud of how far you’ve come and all you’ve done, and I will support you as long as you want to do it, but I also want to make sure you know that if the time comes where you want to do something new, you can tell me and I will support your decision.”

 

[reluctant]

I could use some advice for helping my dd. I can sense that she may be nearing the end of her gymnastics days.

Dd has always been more of a turtle than a hare when it’s come to gym. In some ways that’s served her well, considering that she is still doing gym while many many of her teammates burned out early on. But it has also made Gym an uphill battle. Nothing comes easy. She has had to work hard for everything. She’s a cautious gymnast and that has led to some troubles in acquiring new skills. Most recently, I’ve noticed a lack of confidence which has turned into a mental block on fairly simple skills she’s done for years.

I want to let her know it’s ok to be done. But a part of me is sad that she may end on a low note. I’m trying to figure out how to encourage her and build her up and yet still give her the space to decide if she’s done.

She’s almost 12, currently Xcel Gold. The plan was to do level 6 next year. Making optionals has always been one of her goals. I just don’t know if she has it in her to press on.

Is there a way to spin her accomplishments in a positive way? Our minds are really great at reframing things.

 

[Flyaway]

I like the idea of looking at her career as a whole rather than just this season, I will definitely employ that tactic if she does decide to move on.

To answer an earlier question, no, she has not said in as many words that she wants to be done, just my mommy spidey-senses are tingling. . I need to have more conversations with her (thanks for the “article I read” approach, that’s great!) to ascertain whether she’s really done or if she’s just frustrated and tired due to her mental blocks. If it’s the latter, then she has to determine if it’s worth working on sorting out (see a sports psychologist?) or if she’s just tired of fighting the good fight.

I’m so so proud of how far she’s come. She has outlasted every kid she started gym with (not that it’s a race, but you know what I mean). I just want the end to be as positive as the rest of it, you know? And if it’s not the end then I want to give her what she needs to persevere through this rough patch.

 

[MILgymFAM]

I just wanted to say that you’re a great mom. Seeking out advice to help her no matter what she chooses. Sometimes it seems like parents are either pushing their kids up, out, or forcing them to stay in the sport. She sounds like a great kid, and I’m sure with your help she’ll be ready to either fight on or walk away with her head held high. We are trying to fight for happy memories in this last season- and to keep her exit on a high note even if the actual gymnastics part is in a slump... so I understand that part of it well.

 

[gymdoc]

What about helping her choose a second activity now in hopes that she might choose to transition to that?

A few years ago when YDD first developed her mental blocks, we let her pick a few activities to try during the summer. She chose a one day diving camp, a running class and guitar. At the dive camp and with guitar, she realized that starting over with a new sport/activity would not be an "easy out" as she would have to start with basics and move up (probably slowly like she did with gymnastics). It also helped her to remember the things she really loved about gymnastics.

She has chosen to continue gymnastics for 2 more seasons now, still with mental blocks, but working around them and with less discouragement as she could see how far she had come with the work she has put in

 

[Flyaway]

I just wanted to say that you’re a great mom. Seeking out advice to help her no matter what she chooses. Sometimes it seems like parents are either pushing their kids up, out, or forcing them to stay in the sport. She sounds like a great kid, and I’m sure with your help she’ll be ready to either fight on or walk away with her head held high. We are trying to fight for happy memories in this last season- and to keep her exit on a high note even if the actual gymnastics part is in a slump... so I understand that part of it well.

Thank you for the affirmation. Growing up kids is hard, huh? Most days I feel like I’m winging it.

We’ve been around long enough to see what happens when parents (or even the gymnasts themselves) try to force it. Obviously it doesn’t work. But I’ve also seen the opposite where, with just a wee bit more fight... they could’ve come out the other side. Of course as a parent with a kiddo on that precipice so to speak, it’s harder to have perspective. I just want to do right by my kiddo. In the end, gymnastics doesn’t really matter.

Sounds like we may be in for a few soul-searching conversations. I’ll keep you all posted. And in the meantime, any stories of perseverance through blocks or choosing to be done and living to tell the tale are appreciated!

 

[flippingtogether]

I have the hare of all hares of gymnasts. She is now 15, first year L9, truly struggling now worse than ever and trying to figure out if she can persevere. She has loved the sport for so long, and has made it through so many struggles, each one she has overcome has been incredibly difficult but worth it.

Fear and losing skills has been with her for much of her career. She took 2 years to get a BHS on beam, 2+ years to get her giant, has struggled with tumbling when scary new skills have come into the mix. Having coaches who are patient and "get" her has been key. At times, I have to check in with them when I notice confidence is low, so they are aware and can help her boost it again at the gym.
As well, I have learned to not talk about practices with my DD /ask how she is doing (this wasn't the case when she was younger, but now she doesn't want to talk about it!). Optionals has been good b/c the coaches can work around skills that are super scary and find the right compromise of skills where the gymnast feels good. (Did I mention she might have a skill for years and then lose it? Even seemingly basic ones? Like, poof it is gone? Very VERY frustrating.)

Another huge lesson - my motto is that "comparison is the killer of joy." With our hares, who also have fears and get blocks, they have to learn to not compare themselves to team mates (and us parents too have to learn that as well!). Make sure "being behind in skills" is not in your or your DD's vocabulary - it just isn't a thing. Each athlete is on their own timeline. There truly is no such thing as being behind. It's all good and works out in the end.

I have to watch my DD closely as at some point she might be at a point where she want to retire from the sport and try something new (and may be sooner rather than later). [and I think "retire/move on from the sport" is a much better way to say it than "quit"]. I think - I HOPE - she and I will both know when that time comes. And like discussed above, going out on a high note - or at least with a positive attitude and not when things are going really poorly - is the way to make a graceful exit. Easier said than done [sigh].

Good luck. I am right there with you, and have been living this for years. The victories (and not just awards at meets - the personal ones!) are ever so sweet with our type of gymnast.

 

[Deleted member 18037]

No big advice here specific to gym. But I’m freaiking old.

Life experience counts.

Sometimes knowing it’s OK to call it a day is enough to say I’m not done quite yet.

Let her know truly no matter what it’s ok, give her time to breathe (and take some time off to do just that, breathe).
And then enjoy, whatever comes next ( or continues)

 

[Deleted member 18037]

I have the hare of all hares of gymnasts. She is now 15, first year L9, truly struggling now worse than ever and trying to figure out if she can persevere. She has loved the sport for so long, and has made it through so many struggles, each one she has overcome has been incredibly difficult but worth it.

Fear and losing skills has been with her for much of her career. She took 2 years to get a BHS on beam, 2+ years to get her giant, has struggled with tumbling when scary new skills have come into the mix. Having coaches who are patient and "get" her has been key. At times, I have to check in with them when I notice confidence is low, so they are aware and can help her boost it again at the gym.
As well, I have learned to not talk about practices with my DD /ask how she is doing (this wasn't the case when she was younger, but now she doesn't want to talk about it!). Optionals has been good b/c the coaches can work around skills that are super scary and find the right compromise of skills where the gymnast feels good. (Did I mention she might have a skill for years and then lose it? Even seemingly basic ones? Like, poof it is gone? Very VERY frustrating.)

Another huge lesson - my motto is that "comparison is the killer of joy." With our hares, who also have fears and get blocks, they have to learn to not compare themselves to team mates (and us parents too have to learn that as well!). Make sure "being behind in skills" is not in your or your DD's vocabulary - it just isn't a thing. Each athlete is on their own timeline. There truly is no such thing as being behind. It's all good and works out in the end.

I have to watch my DD closely as at some point she might be at a point where she want to retire from the sport and try something new (and may be sooner rather than later). [and I think "retire/move on from the sport" is a much better way to say it than "quit"]. I think - I HOPE - she and I will both know when that time comes. And like discussed above, going out on a high note - or at least with a positive attitude and not when things are going really poorly - is the way to make a graceful exit. Easier said than done [sigh].

Good luck. I am right there with you, and have been living this for years. The victories (and not just awards at meets - the personal ones!) are ever so sweet with our type of gymnast.

All this...... except I think you mean turtle. My kid sounds very much like yours.

And I love retire/move on. Way better then quit. I don’t know when that day will come for my girl. But it will be her being ready for what comes next.

 

[RTT2]

All this...... except I think you mean turtle. My kid sounds very much like yours.

And I love retire/move on. Way better then quit. I don’t know when that day will come for my girl. But it will be her being ready for what comes next.

The reversal of tortoise and hare has been nagging at me too.

 

[Deleted member 18037]

The reversal of tortoise and hare has been nagging at me too.

Lol

 

[flippingtogether]

Lol

Yes, yes! Turtle not hare! And of course I cannot edit it!

 

[Flyaway]

Haha! I knew what you meant.

 

[Flyaway]

Well, my mommy spidey-senses proved correct. Dd and I had a long conversation after her practice earlier this week and she actually voiced that she was wondering if maybe she should be done. Of course this admission was immediately accompanied by tears. It was so hard on my mama heart to see her struggle through the conflict. I shared with her my hope that when she decides to leave gymnastics it's because she is happy with her accomplishments and feels like she has reached her goals and is ready to move on, not because she is frustrated, or embarrassed at mental blocks, or fearful. She agreed with me. So she is going to move forward through the rest of the season and we are reaching out to a sports psychologist to see if they can help her get a handle on the mental block that's plaguing her. I know she may come out on the other side and still decide that she's done. If that's the case then I think I will be able to rest knowing that she fought a good fight and gave it her all.

 

[Deleted member 18037]

. If that's the case then I think I will be able to rest knowing that she fought a good fight and gave it her all.

And more importantly she will know...... good job.

 

[Flyaway]

And more importantly she will know...... good job.

Yes. You are exactly right!