Parents not understanding?

[OzZee]

I have a group of friends I've know for a long time (dd1's mother's group).
I'm feeling really judged by this group and just avoid talking about the kids to avoid talking about gymnastics.
They don't get it, even from one mum who I thought got it, the other day I was asked 'so do your kids not mind going to gym that much'.
I say how they are always asking for more, how much they love it, but I know they think that I am pushing them to do it (really forcing).
I don't want to lose friendship with this group and I am trying to not mention the G word, lol, but it's hard when it's such a big part of the girls lives (2 out of 3 do competitive, 1 does rec as well as other stuff).
Personally I'm not competitive so don't really get the whole competitive gymnastics thing, but hey I'm here to support my kids in whatever they want to do and steer them from doing anything bad - and that wouldn't be getting fit and strong and healthy!

So what do you say to people who just don't get it, especially if it's a whole group of friends who are questioning your lifestyle.

 

[Flossyduck]

That's a tough one. I've had to pull back from a couple of friends (dd's friends mums) because I started to feel the same - the little comments about how much time dd was at gym and how they could/would never do that because they value family time too much and the occasional non-invite with "oh sorry, I just assumed you'd be at gym". It got so that I had a knot in my stomach too often when we talked. I could tell they didn't get it and we were drifting apart and I would have to work very hard to overcome the attitude. I just gave in and pulled back.

Like you, I don't think I really talk about gymnastics much (I have friends at the gym and this board!)but it's hard to avoid the completely when it is a big part of your kid's life and they are having such fun with it.

I think I realised too that most, if not all, of what I have in common with those women is about the children. So when the children's lives diversify there's not much else. So maybe that's just not a good enough reason for the friendship?

Luckily I have other friends I can spend a whole evening with and the kids are hardly mentioned and I love them all the more

 

[Gymdad2]

Tell them: Personally I'm not competitive so don't really get the whole competitive gymnastics thing, but hey I'm here to support my kids in whatever they want to do and steer them from doing anything bad - and that wouldn't be getting fit and strong and healthy! I couldn't have said it better. Good luck

 

[bogwoppit]

Oh I struggled with "those" mums too. My girls never trained more than 14 hours a week and I still got those comments. Then when oldest had to quit due to spinal stress fractures I got way more of those comments. What can you do??? Nothing, some people just want to judge.

 

[MaryA]

I try to be understanding about it and say, "Yes, before I became a parent, if you had ever told me that I would ever allow my child to be involved any activity to the degree that DD is involved in gymnastics, I would have told you 'no way!' but she is so passionate about it, and I want to support her for as long as she wants to do this. When she decides she wants to have a life more than she wants to be a gymnast, then I'll support her in that too." Or something to that affect. Which, in a non-combative way, tells people, "No, I didn't plan for this to happen. Yes, I understand that it seems like a lot. It IS a lot. This is her passion, not mine, and she can quit whenever she wants to."

 

[Flossyduck]

Sometimes you can say all the right things, but some people will hear and still not believe, especially if their child is not wired that way. They'll still think you must be pushing, after all you drive her there don't you?! I seriously think some people will just not get their heads around it whatever you say.

As parents we beat ourselves up enough over every decision, you don't need someone to hand you a bat.

 

[GymMom67]

When anyone says anything about how many hours my DD spends in the gym, I just say, "I know it's a lot for a kid her age, but she absolutely loves it, and if I were to take her out, she would die!" Some people just won't get it, but others will at least try to.

 

[kandkfunk]

I've been fortunate to not have experienced a lot of judgement, or maybe I have and I just don't care enough to realize what's going on . My go to comment whenever anyone mentions training hours is that it's the cheapest baby sitter/fitness trainer you can find. Especially now that mine is a teenager. It's easy to get a chuckle when I explain that gymnastics practice is the cheapest teenage baby sitting service out there. I mean, what other working parent of a 14 year old knows exactly where their kid is after school every single day.

I'm in no way trying to really say that the coaches are just baby sitting my daughter (I'm so thankfuk for our wonderful coaches and everything they have taught my daughter about gym and life), but it does put it into a perspective that most people understand. And, when people can laugh with you, it tends to diffuse the situation a little bit. Good luck!

Sent from my MB855 using ChalkBucket mobile app

 

[iwannacoach]

I think I realised too that most, if not all, of what I have in common with those women is about the children. So when the children's lives diversify there's not much else. So maybe that's just not a good enough reason for the friendship?

Exactly right. I found out, the same as you, that the vacant stares I'd encounter while chatting up with other parents was an implied statement that we had nothing in common, except having children...... and who can't do that! The bottom line is the whole "kid activity" scene offers nothing more than an opportunity to connect with someone, and does little if anything to bond people as friends.

 

[Iwannabemargo]

I was sat at the schools athletics last week ( in the sunshine) watching Pink & Fluffy and was talking to another mum whose older son plays rugby with P&F's big brother. We looked at who was watching and its the same old crowd. Some parents support their childrens endevours - some don't, and ne'er the twain shall meet.

 

[kayjaybe]

If your kids stick with it, you'lld likely develop some new friendships with the other gym moms. They are the people that I talk to about regarding the ups & downs of gym life.

My bff said something to me once - that I was putting too much focus on dd's gymnastics. That was all dd talked about. Her kids have tried every activity there is out there. Dd #1 found gymnastics early and has loved it ever since. It is all she wants to do.

I think gym is unique because it really does take year-round training. People that don't experience that just don't understand it. Most sports are seasonal and the kids will do different sports at different times of the year. Not gym. (I guess swimming is like that, too.)

Anyway, I don't think you can make someone understand unless they really want to. If the friendship has other value (like it does with my bff), then try to maintain it. But if it is really just the kids that tie you together, you might want to let the friendship go.

 

[OzZee]

Nice to feel understood
Margo, lol, I was thinking exactly the same thing at the primary school athletics carnival the other day. At least it's a nice bunch who go and support their kids!

I do have good friends through gym and other sports who do understand so have people to talk to about the ups and downs of the gym world.

I've tried all the above sort of comments with this group and they all still mostly think that it must be about me too, they just can't understand that the kids would want to do it. Or say they would never allow it so therefore I must be doing it for me. Yeh because I like being a taxi service and forking out money continuously, lol.

I'm feeling I'm not being me with them anymore as I try to avoid mentioning anything to do with gym, which includes anything related ie was having trouble with dd2 being bullied a bit at gym recently and I didn't even mention that because of where it was happening.
It's hard when you've been friends for a very very long time and shared so much to feel a gap like that.
It isn't just the kids that tie us together but our kids are such a part of us.

 

[Iwannabemargo]

I have a friend of 25 years from uni and I see her very rarely now as when she asks me what I have done it all revolves around chauffering my smalls to various activities - she looks at me like I'm mental and asks what have I done for me.

Well, I brought 3 lovely children into this world and for the first 20 odd years of each of their lives their needs really come before mine - I actually enjoy them enjoying themselves and dont need "me time"

(can't afford it anyway - I have leos/lessons/rugby kit/rowing kit/cricket kit to buy )

 

[armbmom]

When our dds are 16 and spending 6-7 days a week in the gym and we know where our girls are and who they are with, your friends will be wondering where their girls are, who they are with and what they are doing. . We will have strong, confident girls with a good head on their shoulders.

 

[gymmiemom]

I have grown apart from a couple of friends because of gymnastics. I got sick of having to avoid gymnastics as a topic all together and the other sports that my other 3 are involved in, when it is such a huge part of our life. In all fairness one of those friends has children that are much younger than mine, so even though we have been friends since college, we are at very different stages in our lives and she just can't wrap her mind around the amount of time we spend on kids' activiites.

On the flip side though, I have gained 2 amazing friends that are "gym moms" and get it. We have become extremely close and I wouldn't trade them for the world.

 

[2G1B]

One friend who I have been friends with since my (now 9 year old) twins were 6 weeks old said, "are your kids going to the Olympics or something?? No way I could have my kids in an activity for that many hours. They are too young. They aren't getting to be kids.". At the times my 3 kids practiced 3, 5, and 6 hours per week. No way I could tell her that they now (1 year later) practice 9, 10, and 12 hours per week. I have just tried to point out to her and others with similar comments that it goes with having 3 kids. That if they weren't in the same sport that they would likely have just as many hours per week, it would just be all in different locations. At this point I think that only other gym mom friends know how many hours my kids are in practice.

 

[Committed]

People just love to judge. We live in a very competitive area, and most children do more than one sport. However, DD doesn't have any other gymnast friends. The majority of her friends are on DDs softball and soccer team. In fact, DD was in a leg cast for the majority of softball season. At the end of the season, the coach gave out the trophies and said something 'nice' about each player. To mine, he says, 'This girl CHOSE to injure herself in another sport during the season"...........blah, blah, blah. This was the 6 and under league!!!! No one counted outs or runs! It's not like her absence was detrimental to the team, or affected them in any way. I don't think he cares for DD just because her commitment to gymnastics is above her commitment to the other sports teams she is on (and she excels at those sports, as well).

 

[my4buffaloes]

I have found that people don't realize how much their kids do their sport. I have had football, soccer and lacrosse parents all shake their heads at my dd's 4 hour practices 3-4 times a week. But if you add up their child's 3 hours practice 5-6 days a week it is virtually the same.

Almost every sport is becoming a year round sport, even though it doesn't need to be. There is travel anything, club anything, rec and school sports. Many kids play on multiple teams at the same time. My oldest plays rugby and it is basically year round and with practice and games he is spending 12 hours a week on rugby. That is equal to my youngest dd's gym time.

That being said I am firm believer that if I keep my kids busy with sports and other activities they will not get into trouble. I already see girls in 6th grade getting into trouble because they aren't involved in anything. We run ourselves ragged and spend all of our money keeping our kids busy and I wouldn't have it any other way.

 

[OwlGalLiz]

Yeah, it's natural that this happens. Our Playgroup of five years (I started it a couple months after we brought our son home) has become an unofficial Playgroup due to everyone going different ways and with different interests. I've had more than one comment made "we'll just come by the gym because you are there so often" and the silly thing is, we aren't yet. Those folks obviously are going to fade from our lives eventually. However, we have become friends with a whole new crowd because of similar interests in gymnastics. So let those that don't understand go, and welcome and embrace the new life and friendships is our motto.

 

[Fliptwisttumble]

"are your kids going to the Olympics or something?? No way I could have my kids in an activity for that many hours. They are too young. They aren't getting to be kids.".

I have friends who don't get it, but even more sad to me is that my mother and sister don't get it. Those words above are exactly what my sister has said to me. So my response lately is.... Maybe she will go! She wants to (don't most little girls) and she'll never have the chance if she doesn't train like this. Her friends are all there. Ask her if she'd rather give up gym to go to Friday's pizza and popcorn day at school - she'll say no way! They are the ones who sleep over, text to each other when not together and have play dates outside of gym.

Strangely, it was perfectly acceptable for me as a child to take piano lessons, practice for hours at home each day, do exams, go to competitions..... But this gymnastics thing is over the top