Parents Parenting an Extremely Driven Gymnast

[SupportingHerDreams]

I read a post comparing a "Top 5 Athlete" to a "Top 25 Athlete" and it hit me the struggles that parents of extremely driven athletes face.

Here are some things that I struggle with (Feel free to add advice, commiserate or add your own to the list):
1) Helping my athlete find balance and not place their whole identity in their sport.
2) Helping my athlete accept less than perfection. (My daughter had a rough meet, 2 falls but she still came in 2nd AA and 1st in two events, and she asked me if she embarrassed her gym!)
3) Helping my daughter have a life outside of the gym (I guess that kind of falls under number 1 though)

 

[CluelessGymMom]

How old is your daughter?

I was similar when I was younger in a non-gymnastics sport. I was also a perfectionist and extremely self critical. When my parents would point out the good things, I would simply not believe them as my inner voice told me I failed; I thought "they are just trying to make me feel better" and would discount everything nice they said.

The thing that helped me the most was social activities outside of my sport. Friendships with kids who didn't do my same sport, so we talked about other things and had fun doing other activities. Another thing that helped was an adult, not my parent, that I could vent to about my "failures." That adult was extremely knowledgeable about my sport, so I knew they understood, but they just LISTENED without offering advice. Verbalizing helped me process my thoughts and sometimes helped me recognize on my own that I was being too hard on myself.

With age came the ability to compartmentalize. The hard work put into my sport taught me the value of hard work, and I was able to apply that to other areas of my life. It just took time to understand that "failure" is simply growth.

 

[ORgymmom]

I think there’s a difference between being extremely successful, extremely talented, and extremely driven. You can have a gymnast who never places but is extremely driven.

It sounds like your gymnast is quite talented and extremely driven *by external validation*. So that’s the tricky thing you need to deal with in the long run. Always placing high and worrying they’ll be valued less if they don’t suggests that they aren’t filled up by improvement and doing their best that day and gaining new skills, rather by external measures of how they do, whether it’s the admiration of coaches, social media attention, scores, podiums, etc.

You need to shift the conversation away from the external. No talk about places or podiums. Talk about how they felt. Find and lows of each practice that don’t have to do with performance- I shifted the chatter to things like “what was the weirdest thing someone did at practice today?” or “did you hear any good songs during your workout?”. Before meets, talk about things in your athlete’s control- fueling, improving details, cheering for teammates. Don’t talk about score goals or beating a score or beating a teammate. You need to gradually shift the internal monologue your gymnast is having to one that focuses on what you want her to value (and if that’s scores or placement, then own it and be there for the emotions and insecurities that come with it).

 

[Dahlialover]

I think there’s a difference between being extremely successful, extremely talented, and extremely driven. You can have a gymnast who never places but is extremely driven.

It sounds like your gymnast is quite talented and extremely driven *by external validation*. So that’s the tricky thing you need to deal with in the long run. Always placing high and worrying they’ll be valued less if they don’t suggests that they aren’t filled up by improvement and doing their best that day and gaining new skills, rather by external measures of how they do, whether it’s the admiration of coaches, social media attention, scores, podiums, etc.

You need to shift the conversation away from the external. No talk about places or podiums. Talk about how they felt. Find and lows of each practice that don’t have to do with performance- I shifted the chatter to things like “what was the weirdest thing someone did at practice today?” or “did you hear any good songs during your workout?”. Before meets, talk about things in your athlete’s control- fueling, improving details, cheering for teammates. Don’t talk about score goals or beating a score or beating a teammate. You need to gradually shift the internal monologue your gymnast is having to one that focuses on what you want her to value (and if that’s scores or placement, then own it and be there for the emotions and insecurities that come with it).

This is truly excellent advice.