Parents Quitting??

[Gymforlife]

While this would be nice, it doesn't seem like the OP's daughter's coach is willing to get her to the place of strength in her gymnastics...and maybe the strong move at this point is to walk away...

Thanks. Trying to decide this but not sure if trying to get her back to the gym will upset her even more at this point

 

[Gymforlife]

I'm sorry, I know how helpless you feel right now. My DD had a rough time during last season. She struggled with fears and her coach wasn't having it. I'm pretty sure she thought my DD was balking and crying for attention and she'd constantly tell her that she wasn't trying and I'm pretty sure that the coach didn't like my DD and her being an uncooperative gymnast because of her fears frustrated her. She was much, much different towards the fearless ones who got skills quickly. My DD felt a lot of pressure (admittedly, a lot from me as I constantly gave advice, lectured, asked, etc. .... Lessons learned) from her coach, me, and probably herself. I was 99% sure she felt done with it all. She cried every practice. Was not excited about going anymore. I even thought she may always struggle with her fears until they did her in. But.....

Fast forward to now. I'm merely the taxi driver and ask nothing more than if she had a good practice and just listen and support if she brings things up (SO important, I've found. The coaches need to supply the pressure. Us parents, just unconditional love and support). She got new coaches and a new team. The dynamic between her and her coaches is different. They just handle her personality different and give positives with negatives instead of all negatives. She started perking back up. She's worked through some of her fears and continues to work at them and has conquered some of them and gotten new skills. I am SO SO proud of the progress she is making as a person, working through things. She is excited to go to the gym again. In her story..a change in coaches made all the difference. Is that not an option? I know staying in the same gym, that may not be.. Could be awkward.

I don't think a new coach is the answer. She has opportunity to work with the HC and doesn't like him either. She just doesn't want to be pushed. I think a year if Excel would boost her confidence back up so if she decides to go back that is what we will do. Her coach talked me out of that a month ago and I should have just gone with my gut feeling then. Now I'm facing the reality of never seeing her in the gym again and that breaks my heart

 

[Muddlethru]

I finally decided to pull her out for November so she could figure out what "she" wanted. I told her I would love her no matter what but deep down I am devastated. Her coach wasn't happy but I felt it was the only way to see if the love for gymnastics was still there. Now I am wondering if I did the right thing. Any thoughts??

I agree with MaryA. Taking a break at this time and under the circumstances may have not been the best move. Although, I am not sure it is over for your daughter. My daughter also experienced a lot of pressure from her old coach. If my daughter did not do well at meets, the coach had no problems letting her know she's disappointed. My daughter as a lower level TOPS national qualifier and had to learn skills two levels above her current competitive level in a matter of three weeks. Her former coach would walk away from my daughter in disgust if my daughter screwed up, and she did given the limited time she had to train. Her former coach was unorganized, really has no game plan and does things by the seat of her pants and/or whatever and whatever things move her. It still upsets me when I think about the 'crap' this coach put my daughter through. The coach expected a lot but trained minimally. All the while my daughter felt inadequate, fearful and beat herself for it. She was always upset with herself and cried a lot at practice when she could not perform a skill. But my daughter persevered. If your daughter is willing to fight through her fears and you can find a coach patient enough to help her out, she may still have a future.

But I would certainly love to hear why dunno feels, your daughter is done. Clearly, he is an expert in the field.

 

[Gymforlife]

I agree with MaryA. Taking a break at this time and under the circumstances may have not been the best move. Although, I am not sure it is over for your daughter. My daughter also experienced a lot of pressure from her old coach. If my daughter did not do well at meets, the coach had no problems letting her know she's disappointed. My daughter as a lower level TOPS national qualifier and had to learn skills two levels above her current competitive level in a matter of three weeks. Her former coach would walk away from my daughter in disgust if my daughter screwed up, and she did given the limited time she had to train. Her former coach was unorganized, really has no game plan and does things by the seat of her pants and/or whatever and whatever things move her. It still upsets me when I think about the 'crap' this coach put my daughter through. The coach expected a lot but trained minimally. All the while my daughter felt inadequate, fearful and beat herself for it. She was always upset with herself and cried a lot at practice when she could not perform a skill. But my daughter persevered. If your daughter is willing to fight through her fears and you can find a coach patient enough to help her out, she may still have a future.

But I would certainly love to hear why dunno feels, your daughter is done. Clearly, he is an expert in the field.

Thank you for your story and insight. Actually when i read your story and others mine it gives me hope that she will not quit. I am a little encouraged today because she just came and did part of her floor routine in front of me . That is huge considering her mood this weekend. I am anxious to see what her coach has to say when I go to the gym later. I really think if I wait it out she will go back because she isn't going to know what to do with all this free time and I will still be going to the gym to work

 

[gracyomalley]

I don't know what the answer is for your dd, but this really is common at this age - and I think trust in the coaching staff is really key - for you and your daughter. my dd11 has always had fearful times, and is a "slower" fast learner - if that makes sense. Ended up doing an extra half year of old 5 due to fear and growth issues, then zoomed through old 6 to 7, did great at 7 but cried at many meets (quietly...) over being frightened to connect her BHSBHS on beam (BWO hurt her back at the time and her BHS was/is gorgeous on beam....)....fast forward through 6 months of growth and adolescence and I am (sometimes unsuccessfully) trying to bite my tongue as she "decides" (really - her coach felt she could do level 8 this year) to repeat level 7, continues to have days when she does the connected series and has a good day at bars (transfering giants to UB unspotted has been a challenge) and others when she mentally just falls apart....then we hear the "I'm not good enough etc...."

Her head coach has sent many girls to levels 9/10/college gym - and we are in a small rural area. She has worked with my dd since she was 4. She knows her and knows what she is doing. She felt that dd needed firm expectations (there will be no changing of the series, no repeat of bars without giants - despite her scoring well that way last year) and understanding. Balking more than 3 times means home for the day (hasn't happened - just threatened). Privates are occ used. Expectation is that this will pass - and coaches comment was "I won't let her quit over this - she's too good". Also lots of stuff going on in dd's head outside of gym....so counseling for both sports issues and life stuff has been helpful. I have tried to take all the pressure off that I can (despite feeling the same financial pressure I hear you speaking of...).

It's very hard to know what is right with such an intense sport....I do know a girl who is presently training level 8 after 2 years at 7 who is still afraid to do her giants and BHS....(different gym). She's very able to do both, has done them, etc....I applaud her coaches and parents for finding a way for gym to continue to be a positive thing for her....obviously her gymnastics potential is decreased at this point...but what she's learned by working around /through fears??? HUGE....I do hope DD feels stronger about all this as puberty settles down...and yours as well!

 

[bookworm]

I think the key in all the stories where the girls continued on in gymnastics despite having had fears is that they changed coaches and/or gyms OR their current coach recognized the issue and saw a role in correcting it and working through it with the gymnast....from the OP's posts, it doesn't seem like this is the case with her daughter's coaches or gym, and that is why I think Dunno sees her as done as there doesn't seem to be a viable option for progress in this child's current setting....

 

[LizzieLac]

We had a very talented levl 7 gymnast who started with fears on giant - flyaway. It started there but eventually started inpacting BWO-BHS on beam. It was all mental as she was a beautiful, capable gymnast. Coaches tried working with her, but when it wasn't helping they got frustrated too. She would refuse to do giants at first and then it became crying and holding up practice.

She took half a year off and came back after states to start training for the next season. The same thing started all over again. HC even sent her to another gym (friendly rivalry) about 45-60 minutes away. It helped a little, but was too far away to continue to try to work through her issues.

Ultimately, she went to a YMCA program which was better suited for her, as it was less pressure, more relaxed and frankly, does not push her to train. So, she is able to stay in gymnastics and compete but at a level that is more suited to her mentally/emotionally. The downside is she will never progress to her full "physical" potential, but if she stayed in a JO program she probably would have quit for good.

Bottom line is, I think there are options for your DD to stay in the sport. Good luck!

 

[Deleted member D3987]

vestibular is what has created the problem coupled with the inexperience of all involved with how to cope with the condition.

 

[MaryA]

It is so hard for me to believe that there are gyms/coaches who haven't learned to successfully deal with this problem. All you have to do is spend 10 minutes surfing CB to learn that it is just part of the sport.

 

[JoyAvenueMom]

vestibular is what has created the problem coupled with the inexperience of all involved with how to cope with the condition.

So, how does the parent help the child in this situation? Is there an appropriate way to approach the coach and ask about their knowledge of the vestibular system? If you have a good relationship with the coach, would parent be out of line in asking to discuss this topic? Ignorance can be fixed, and I think you can say just about anything to someone if you say it the right way. Or, do you just give up and help your child find another sport? While we don't have this problem now, I'd sure like to have some tools in my bag if it ever comes up.

 

[Gymforlife]

Great

So, how does the parent help the child in this situation? Is there an appropriate way to approach the coach and ask about their knowledge of the vestibular system? If you have a good relationship with the coach, would parent be out of line in asking to discuss this topic? Ignorance can be fixed, and I think you can say just about anything to someone if you say it the right way. Or, do you just give up and help your child find another sport? While we don't have this problem now, I'd sure like to have some tools in my bag if it ever comes up.

Great question! It may be too late for current dd but would love to be educated for my younger girls. I was a gymnast from ages 5 through high school and have never experienced this before.

 

[Gymforlife]

We had a very talented levl 7 gymnast who started with fears on giant - flyaway. It started there but eventually started inpacting BWO-BHS on beam. It was all mental as she was a beautiful, capable gymnast. Coaches tried working with her, but when it wasn't helping they got frustrated too. She would refuse to do giants at first and then it became crying and holding up practice.

She took half a year off and came back after states to start training for the next season. The same thing started all over again. HC even sent her to another gym (friendly rivalry) about 45-60 minutes away. It helped a little, but was too far away to continue to try to work through her issues.

Ultimately, she went to a YMCA program which was better suited for her, as it was less pressure, more relaxed and frankly, does not push her to train. So, she is able to stay in gymnastics and compete but at a level that is more suited to her mentally/emotionally. The downside is she will never progress to her full "physical" potential, but if she stayed in a JO program she probably would have quit for good.

Bottom line is, I think there are options for your DD to stay in the sport. Good luck!

Thank you. Talked to her coach today to try and get her opinion about dd and perhaps it is due to her age and "growth". Didn't want to throw in the word "vestibular" and look like the "mom coach". Well no support or sympathy .Also spoke briefly to HC and said if I send her in he would talk to her. I'm so over this right now!! Ladies kiss your gymnasts and never take their abilities and talents for granted!! You never know when their last day in the gym will be !
!!

 

[GymMomXcel]

Thank you. Talked to her coach today to try and get her opinion about dd and perhaps it is due to her age and "growth". Didn't want to throw in the word "vestibular" and look like the "mom coach". Well no support or sympathy .Also spoke briefly to HC and said if I send her in he would talk to her. I'm so over this right now!! Ladies kiss your gymnasts and never take their abilities and talents for granted!! You never know when their last day in the gym will be !
!!

It sounds like her coach is just not trying to feel out a way to help her. That's sad... He/She has invested in her. They should care about helping her through this stuff. Be a lil more sympathetic until she can catch up to her vestibular issues.

 

[kayjaybe]

If they will let her stay back a level or do Excel, that might be the solution. I talked about how my dd had great BWO fear on the beam last year. She is struggling with the BHS on beam this year, but it isn't tearing her up the way it did last year. I mentioned that to her last night after practice and she said because there isn't the pressure to get it by a certain date.

She is working to get it on her own time. If she gets it early enough in the season, she'll probably move up to L7. If not, she'll stay L5. But either way, it is OK. That has made a HUGE difference in how it is affecting her and the rest of her gymnastics. She is so much more positive, relaxed and confident because she is doing it on her own terms.

 

[Gymforlife]

I wanted to post an update to my dd who wanted to quit 3 weeks ago. After 2 weeks out of the gym she came to me and said she missed it and wanted to go back!! I was thrilled. We have met with HC and her coaches and decided to go with Mod Optionals this year. My dd was just feeling too pressured in level 6. Everyone was open to helping her work through some of her fears and get ready for competition. Basically, she will be performing the same routines as in level 6 minus a few of the skills she was fearful of. I think the key in our situation was patience (from me) and good communication with her coaches. They will still be her coaches and are also very happy to have her back in the gym. Tomorrow is her first day and I'm sure it is going to be hard as the parent not to probe into how it went and just let her talk when she wants to. That is something I learned from all of you and I am so thankful!! Thank you again for your support and encouragement!!

 

[raenndrops]

However last week she starting balking on a ROBHSBT because her coach wouldn't let her warm up a ROBHS.

Our girls are SUPPOSED to warm up a ROBHS before they warm up their ROBHSBT... In fact OG warms up with a RO1, then a RO2, then (if she is lucky) she throws her tuck... if not, it's not a big deal. She didn't warm it up before the first meet, but she competed it and won 1st place on floor (and beam and all around).

Giving her time off is a good idea. OG took about 3 months off in 2012 because of fear issues (and personal issues)- her CHOICE, but miserable w/o gym, so she came back. The time off did her well.

Good luck.

 

[iwannacoach]

I have been reading thread after thread trying to gain wisdom and insight from all you gym moms regarding our current situation. You are full of great advice and have more "gym mom" experience than myself so here it is: My dd is 11 and training (new) level 6 this season. This will be her third competitive season if we make it that far. Last year she placed first AA at State in L5 and scored out of old 6 this summer. She has a great coach who says she has a lot of talent and goes beyond what any other coach has done for her. The problems started last year when she developed fear issues after a bad night on BB at a meet. Ever since then she has had complaints of not being good enough because she can't get a new skill or she is afraid of it. This summer she and her teammates started working giants and BHS on beam. All was fine until she fell into pit head first during a spotted giant. She refused to do them again even on LB. The rest of her teammates are progressing and she feels like that means she isn't good enough. Her coach isn't pushing those but now telling her she only gets 1 spot on BHS on LB and then she's on her own. She frequently states she doesn't want to quit but that it's too much pressure and now she doesn't want to compete or go to gym 4 days per week. Her floor and beam routines are beautiful and she loves performing them at practice. However last week she starting balking on a ROBHSBT because her coach wouldn't let her warm up a ROBHS. This has never been a problem before. She came home upset again!! I finally decided to pull her out for November so she could figure out what "she" wanted. I told her I would love her no matter what but deep down I am devastated. Her coach wasn't happy but I felt it was the only way to see if the love for gymnastics was still there. Now I am wondering if I did the right thing. Any thoughts??

I read your thread starter and went strait to reply without reading the following posts. Please accept my apology in advance if I repeat something already posted.........

I think you did the right thing.......

There are some kids that seem to collect fear problems one after the other. It seems that nothing different or new
can be done right lest the coach set off one of her triggers by upping the ante, much like not allowing warm-up tumble runs.

It's also remarkable that she reacts with a fear issue when something adverse takes place. Gymnastics is a tough sport that's packed with un predictables, whoopsies, and other non 'campfire' moments..... and that's just a single week of training. Maybe that's her real issue. She may not have the emotional resilience for a sport that challenges anyone who challenges the sport.

Maybe she's been cast as a child who has the ability to throw down the gauntlet and serve notice to the upper levels that she's on her way. So ask yourself the question the elephant in the room can't quite spit out quick enough...... does she have enough mental ability to progress quickly through the levels and the skills that come with them.

Has she embraced the notion of making it to a new level every year, only to face a new set of skills that need to be processed. I've often asked myself how it's even possible for these kids to chew and swallow every problem, ouchie, sacrifice, and frustration that the world with gymnastics put in their path.

Maybe she's one of the kids that has the sense to refuse all the challenges, frustrations, genuine fears, and sacrifices. Maybe her true gift is waiting to be discovered somewhere that isn't gymnastics.

The fears?? Possibly a red herring she's not even aware of..... or..... possibly her genuine fear is that she can't live up to the the innocent enthusiasm that surrounds her.

There's a thread somewhere that put forward the notion that "smart kids" decline in scholastic testing after being told they're smarter than average.

Just a point of view to consider. Make her drag you to the gym to prove she really wants it. I doubt she will.