Really trying to understand...

[lilgymmie7]

In light of all of the crazy, scary reality shows like Dance Moms and Toddlers and Tiaras, I am really trying to understand what would draw parents so to the brink of forsaking their own child for what looks like to an outsider as 15 minutes of fame. I posted a few months back about this same thing because it hit very close to home. Luckily for us, my DH has seen the errors of his ways. And just this week, a long time friend made a comment to me that, "You had to break me in..." I taught both of her children at one point. We both knew and laughed a bit when she made that comment. I know what she meant.
It seems that many parents find themselves so attached to their child's activity/sport and sometimes they loose themselves. As a teacher, I feel it is a need as well as a survival tactic to try to figure these kinds of parents out. If I am to reach a child academically, I have to do so socially as well. That brings to mind their relations with their parents. I work at a school where children are involved in many extra-curricular activities. We have a few aspiring models in our school as well. These little cuties can be seen on local commercials and in department store ads. How long is it until I come across another self-absorbed, far too attached parent? I don't think many realize how far out there they really are.
I have talked about this with many of my non-sport/activity friends who are parents. However, they see things as I do...What is the point of getting so involved. I realize if I am to get well thought out replies it has to come from parents involved in sports and maybe some who went a little over board. I myself fit the latter point. With my older DD, I have admitted that I myself wanted what she had when she was in gym, talent and foreign (don't ask me why please) coaches. I overlooked MANY things until at last I saw my poor kid breaking apart.
My question is this: Why, seriously, do parents feel the urge to become so involved in their child's sport/activity/life? What causes them to NOT see the harm done on both ends? How do you deal with these kinds of parents? (I don't think ignoring them is an answer. These people need help.)

Please really think about your responses. I know that in my profession, I will certainly encounter parents like those on the television. How can I advocate for a child in my class if I just ignore their parent? I also know that all of my children have friends whose parents fit this bill. I can't have my children loose friendships by just pulling them away from their friends. But I also can't just let them HEAR some of the negativity involved.


I don't BRAG to much about my kids on here because that is one way that I can 'squash' any of my attempts to get too involved. I try to use this forum to find answers to pressing questions. This one has been on my mind for a long time. I can't watch T.V. because the over and abundance of these reality shows that glorify these Crazy parents. Kate Gosselin being one that started it all...

 

[maryRS]

My frame of reference is mostly with soccer type parents as that is what I've been involved in the longest. I've seen some extremes and parents with huge blinders on. The only thing I can come up with is most of these parents really feel they are doing this to help their child. With many it's they see potential in their child and they think by pushing them, yelling, bragging, spending ridiculous amounts of money, obnoxiously club shopping is going to make the best of their athlete. They think they will help them be a varsity starter, get seen and recruited in college showcases. Sometimes their child does attain all this and more. Oftentimes kid just gets so burned out and frustrated with parents, or his level of play doesn't keep up like it did when he was 10, or life changes, some kids don't want to continue playing forever.

I know this isn't the same thing as Toddlers and Tiarras realm, that sort of stuff I scratch my head on, so I can't help you there. Even Dance Moms, as obnoxious as it can be, they are some talented girls, I'm betting that these moms are hopeful that somehow this show will help their daughters get noticed. I even think Kate Gosslin started out thinking this is a great way to get some extra income, and I think that whole thing spiralled and it became more about her wanting to keep her big lifestyle than anything else.

In light of all of the crazy, scary reality shows like Dance Moms and Toddlers and Tiaras, I am really trying to understand what would draw parents so to the brink of forsaking their own child for what looks like to an outsider as 15 minutes of fame. I posted a few months back about this same thing because it hit very close to home. Luckily for us, my DH has seen the errors of his ways. And just this week, a long time friend made a comment to me that, "You had to break me in..." I taught both of her children at one point. We both knew and laughed a bit when she made that comment. I know what she meant.
It seems that many parents find themselves so attached to their child's activity/sport and sometimes they loose themselves. As a teacher, I feel it is a need as well as a survival tactic to try to figure these kinds of parents out. If I am to reach a child academically, I have to do so socially as well. That brings to mind their relations with their parents. I work at a school where children are involved in many extra-curricular activities. We have a few aspiring models in our school as well. These little cuties can be seen on local commercials and in department store ads. How long is it until I come across another self-absorbed, far too attached parent? I don't think many realize how far out there they really are.
I have talked about this with many of my non-sport/activity friends who are parents. However, they see things as I do...What is the point of getting so involved. I realize if I am to get well thought out replies it has to come from parents involved in sports and maybe some who went a little over board. I myself fit the latter point. With my older DD, I have admitted that I myself wanted what she had when she was in gym, talent and foreign (don't ask me why please) coaches. I overlooked MANY things until at last I saw my poor kid breaking apart.
My question is this: Why, seriously, do parents feel the urge to become so involved in their child's sport/activity/life? What causes them to NOT see the harm done on both ends? How do you deal with these kinds of parents? (I don't think ignoring them is an answer. These people need help.)

Please really think about your responses. I know that in my profession, I will certainly encounter parents like those on the television. How can I advocate for a child in my class if I just ignore their parent? I also know that all of my children have friends whose parents fit this bill. I can't have my children loose friendships by just pulling them away from their friends. But I also can't just let them HEAR some of the negativity involved.


I don't BRAG to much about my kids on here because that is one way that I can 'squash' any of my attempts to get too involved. I try to use this forum to find answers to pressing questions. This one has been on my mind for a long time. I can't watch T.V. because the over and abundance of these reality shows that glorify these Crazy parents. Kate Gosselin being one that started it all...

 

[Deleted member D3987]

turn the TV off.

 

[gymgal]

It's not just sports. I'm sure you see it in academics as well. Parents doing the projects (and homework) with the kids; punishing for lower than expected grades, pushing 1st grade skills on pre-schoolers. We have become a very involved generation in all aspects of our children's lives. Always wanting the best for them. Most parents are able to balance it but there will always be the parents who think their child is the next **** (whatever it might be) and are willing to do anything to make it happen.

i also think it has become part of the culture for many reasons - working parents feel they need to make up for not being there. stay at home parents feel they are not doing their job (stay at home) unless they are constantly actively involved. Way back when, there were too many kids and too much house work to worry about what the kids were doing. My mother had 4 kids to raise and didn't have the modern conveniences like easy cook meals, take out (except chinese and pizza), house keepers (couldn't afford one).... the list goes on. Now-a-days, parents choose spending time with their children over cleaning the house or making home made meals. Not saying it's right or wrong. It's just the way it is... And yes, it is an over generalization but I have seen it enough in my travels to know it has been an increasing trend for several years.

 

[maryRS]

This is all very true. If you try to be the laid back parent, in some settings and climates you are looked down upon as being uninvolved. I know soooo many parents who have written their child's college essays. They do not think they are doing anything wrong. They have told me it is in their best interest if their child gets accepted to a specific school and gets a financial package, and they will do anything to help. This starts in the younger years with doing homework and projects for kids. I really don't think most of these parents think they are doing their kids a disservice, I really think they think they are giving them the help they need.

It's not just sports. I'm sure you see it in academics as well. Parents doing the projects (and homework) with the kids; punishing for lower than expected grades, pushing 1st grade skills on pre-schoolers. We have become a very involved generation in all aspects of our children's lives. Always wanting the best for them. Most parents are able to balance it but there will always be the parents who think their child is the next **** (whatever it might be) and are willing to do anything to make it happen.

i also think it has become part of the culture for many reasons - working parents feel they need to make up for not being there. stay at home parents feel they are not doing their job (stay at home) unless they are constantly actively involved. Way back when, there were too many kids and too much house work to worry about what the kids were doing. My mother had 4 kids to raise and didn't have the modern conveniences like easy cook meals, take out (except chinese and pizza), house keepers (couldn't afford one).... the list goes on. Now-a-days, parents choose spending time with their children over cleaning the house or making home made meals. Not saying it's right or wrong. It's just the way it is... And yes, it is an over generalization but I have seen it enough in my travels to know it has been an increasing trend for several years.

 

[lilgymmie7]

turn the TV off.

I seriously watch very little to no T.V. It isn't worth it.

 

[Iwannabemargo]

From reading this forum for a very little time I think there is a huge cultural element involved as well. In the UK culturally ( with the exception of football (soccer)) sport is seen as an amateur pastime and not a career. We don't have sports scholaships to universities, if you can play top level sport then certainly your place is guarateeed ( I'm thinking "Posh" sports here, ie Rugby, Rowing etc) but no finance. This means there is no push from parents to "get into college" via sport.

There are mad parents don't get me wrong, but culturally it is view as unacceptable over here to "blow your own trumpet", although this is changing.

There is more money in sport now, with Sport GB sponsoring a lot of our top atheletes in all sports ( especially if there is a chance of a medal) but they are few and far between. I have been told by mu HC that although mini-me is probable one of the most naturally gifted gymnasts she's seen she has no chance of being an elite, purely geographically, there are no elite clubs within 200 miles of us, this helps to keep my CGM in check ( a little ).

'Margo

 

[sally]

Well I enjoy spending time with my kids. And I am involved in everything my kids do. I want the best for my children and I expect them to try their hardest all the time. It doesn't matter if they get an A in school or a C or even win a comp or come last just as long as they give 100%. That doesn't mean that I am a pushy parent. Everybody has a right to bring their child up the best way they see fit. If they choose to do a tv thing then so be it. It is not our job to judge everybody else, how about we just worry about bringing our own children up.

 

[Faith]

From reading this forum for a very little time I think there is a huge cultural element involved as well. In the UK culturally ( with the exception of football (soccer)) sport is seen as an amateur pastime and not a career. We don't have sports scholaships to universities, if you can play top level sport then certainly your place is guarateeed ( I'm thinking "Posh" sports here, ie Rugby, Rowing etc) but no finance. This means there is no push from parents to "get into college" via sport.

This.

Sport in general has become more of a business here too, so there is much more of a "drop your child at the door" attitude. The days of unqualified parents helping out and getting involved seem to be gone.

Myself, as a parent all I want is some feedback from teachers/coaches whoever. A regular update on what the childs goals are, what they are struggling with and what they are doing well at. Then I can use that at home- maybe take her to the park for the monkey bars for upper body strength, consider a dance class, encourage maths rather than the reading she likes to do. Or even just psychologically- when she isn't getting a skill I can talk her through it and help her set some aims.

I do find our gym have gone a bit the other way- there's very little contact with parents and no progress reports. Which I find frustrating, especially as I know a little about gymnastics, as it raises many questions. I'm a planner, so I like to know where the next year or two might head, especially as we do quite alot of extra curriculars....

Other than that as long as they are happy and I am reasonably sure that the gym/swim team/school suits them and their aspirations that's all I can ask.

 

[lhmom]

Often, I think it's a combination of things: society vaules and the push to be "the best" and just a general insecurity by parents that if they don't do absolutely eveything for their children, their children will fail. Their kids' achievements are seen as a direct reflection on their parenting skills. We live in a fairly affluent area and I know that I am viewed by some to be a "slacker mom". I remember having one mom complain to me about her son's "effort" in playing basketball (mind you, her son and my daughter were 6 at the time, playing in a league that was supposed to be "fun"). It didn't go over well when I tried to make light of it. To me, there are people who seem absolutely terrified to have just "average" kids and it pushes them to be overly involved in whatever sport or activity that child is doing well in. I'm not saying that I am perfect by any means-there are times that I have had to beat down the instinct of a CSM (crazy sports mom). I do that by reminding myself that both my children had very rough beginnings (son had a life-threatening illness early on, DD was in an orphanage until she was over a year old). Since then, our hopes for both of them have been just that they are happy and healthy-anything above that is just a bonus. I wish you luck in dealing with these types of parents. Sometimes, the only time the blinders come off is when the child breaks down. Sadly, sometimes they won't even come off then.

 

[cher062]

Ok the dance moms show has to be totally scripted because no parent or coach could possibly act that bad and hang out with their kids for more and more abuse like we see. The pagent shows well most of the time its the mom that is living through the kids and it to has some scripted time in there. I was watching that last night and thism mom was only loving to her kid if she was winning otherwise she was threating her DD with punishments for not performing.

Maybe I'm in a different world they these TV moms but I've never seen a big group like they show on TV all together like that. Over the years I may have seen a few crazed parents but they don't last long usually their child has had enough and won't perform anymore.

I am involved in someway in all the activities my kids do but usually on the parent support groups that are raising funds for what ever they are planning on doing. My kids know I won't do homework or any projects for them but If they ask for help I will give them some info or ask them a question that will move them over the bump they may be stuck on so they can move forward. I don't expect them to be "the best ever" but I do expect them to be THEIR best and put out Their best effort in anything they choose to do. So if their best is academicly a C then I am happy they are working to potential. I want them to know when is its OK to quit and when should they continue because they made a commitment to follow through. I want them to know when to push themselves and know that it is ok to ask for help and get assistance in anything they do.

 

[TexasRose]

Dance Moms is definitely crazy and I think a lot of it is for editing and TV purposes. Those girls are really talented and I think that some of the moms probably hoped that having them seen on the show would help them find an agent or something. I'm sure they're getting paid for being on the show- maybe they needed the money to keep their girls in dance.
I have to defend the pageant moms a little bit . Toddlers and Tiaras wants to show us the WORST that it can because it makes for good television. So they find the crazy moms that are definitely in the minority. I know many people don't agree with pageants, and that's fine, everyone's culture and opinions are different. We did pageants for a little while and DD really enjoyed them. We did mostly natural ones- where they wear church dresses, no make up allowed, no tanning or fake hair/nails/etc. They were required to do an interview so DD got very comfortable talking in front of groups of people. This really helped with her self confidence. We did do a "glitz" pageant- actually a Universal Royalty one which you may have see on T&T occasionally. It was very laid back and I didn't see anything crazy. We still didn't do tanning, fake hair/nails/ etc. DD had a lot of fun, she loves to get all dressed up- just like most little girls- and we made some good friends with the other moms and kids. It would turn into a family weekend and we'd stay at a hotel with a pool, go swimming afterwards and just have a good time together. Basically- the TV shows always show the worst and play up the crazy, no matter what sport, event, etc. They're making good TV.

I am involved in my DD's life and I always will be. I don't do her homework or anything but I'm there to help, she's 6. I like to watch some practices at gym- not all- just to see how she's doing and she likes to show me when she gets new skills. My mom was always at my events as well and I really appreciated the support. It was club soccer and cheer-not gym. Everyone is different and I don't think we could ever all understand everyone. And that's ok.

 

[sally]

Those tv shows are edited to look like that as that is the entertainment. I am sure they are not all like that.

 

[bogwoppit]

Those tv shows are edited to look like that as that is the entertainment. I am sure they are not all like that.

Sally I am with you 100% on this one. There is no way that those shows are not edited for maximum shock value. I often find it hard to switch them off, despite how obnoxious those parents are. Train wreck tv at it's best/worst.

 

[Empowered]

I heard an interesting radio interview with the man who runs Starquest (the dance contest where the girls wore the skimpy outfits) and it was crazy hearing him tell of the editing Lifetime has done. What was most interesting though, is that when they filmed that episode EVERYONE, the parents, dancers and he as the contest organizer, were all still being told by Lifetime that they were filming a show called "Just Dance" and it was supposed to be about the dancers. He said had they known the show was about the moms, they never would have allowed filming. He said they didn't find out it was going to be "Dance Moms" until after they had filmed 6 episodes and started airing previews.

So yes, though it's called reality TV, it's hardly reality. And though some find it offense and can't watch, I like Bog have a hard time changing the channel.

 

[Tumblequeensmom]

One of my good friends has two daughters that are high level competitive dancers. They know Abby Miller, and though she says that she IS a very tough dance teacher, she is NO WHERE near as nasty as TV is portraying her. There is nothing "real" about these "reality shows." As others have said, they are scripted and edited for maximum shock value... to keep the viewers coming back!! But I can't stay away anyway!!!

As to "crazy parents" and bad parenting....

Honestly, those crazy parents NEVER seem to recognize themselves... They say one thing, but completely do another.

 

[CoachTodd]

Sally I am with you 100% on this one. There is no way that those shows are not edited for maximum shock value. I often find it hard to switch them off, despite how obnoxious those parents are. Train wreck tv at it's best/worst.

The sad fact is I've met many of the parents that are completely out of their minds. So far, Cheer Moms and Baseball/Football Dads seem to be the worst of the bunch.
I do think that if my kid is doing a sport, they should stay focused while they are at practice and maybe work on some things on their own, depending on what sport they are in. I don't think they should be forced into it. I've seem too many kids grow up literally crying their way through the sport until they get their scholarship and not even remembering how miserable they were their entire childhood.

 

[lilgymmie7]

The sad fact is I've met many of the parents that are completely out of their minds. So far, Cheer Moms and Baseball/Football Dads seem to be the worst of the bunch.
I do think that if my kid is doing a sport, they should stay focused while they are at practice and maybe work on some things on their own, depending on what sport they are in. I don't think they should be forced into it. I've seem too many kids grow up literally crying their way through the sport until they get their scholarship and not even remembering how miserable they were their entire childhood.

This is such a sad but true fact. I understand that Dance Moms and other shows like it are staged because that is also a sad fact of life, sensationalism sells. But why? I tried to watch these shows, but I couldn't. I had a sickening pit in my stomache. For me it was because I have seen some REALLY Crazy parents. I have seen the yelling at the poor kid infront of everyone. Last year at a wrestling tournament, I saw a dad drag his poor kid off the mat and ram him against a wall all because he lost.
I don't know what it is with me that longs to figure these kinds of parents out. I have been told that, " You can't fix it all..." But that feeling is still there none the less.
Thank you all for your responses. I have read them all and I have noted some things that have helped to answer some concerns, but I am still left wondering. I truly feel like an advocate of children. I think the struggles I have gone through with my DS and his anxiety have heightened my senses and made me aware of the fact that all children want from us is to be unconditionally loved. CGM/CSP can't for what ever reason offer that. Their emotions are tied to the activity/sport unfortunately not to their child. I start to think of societal wrongs when that is all considered.

 

[cher062]

Its like a train wreck. It's so horrible you can't help but stare at it until its gone.