Parents Regression and Mental Health

[LarvaeRabbit]

I don’t know where to start, I could write for hours about this. It’s gotten to the point where I just need to collect advice and try to find people who’ve gone through it.
My daughter is L7 in 8th grade. This will likely be her 2nd year in Level 7, and she’s kind of a late bloomer physically, so is going through changes now that her peers have been through already. She went through a tough meet season, but showed lots of promise and held her own. This summer, despite practicing 20 hours/week, she’s lost some skills that she had down last year and is also been developing some repetitive-use injuries. The gym coaches/owners are pretty old-school, so no modern coaching techniques or film. They often get frustrated and yell at the athletes for various reasons, especially if they “regress.” They just get mad, yell at them, or ignore them; my daughter is not the first person to have this treatment.
Then there is the typical mean-girl stuff you get at this age, and since some of her friends have now left gymnastics entirely for various reasons, she doesn’t have much social support left. So she’s putting pressure on herself, the coaches are putting extra pressure on her (not positively), and of course some of it comes from us because she’s aware of the time and financial commitment this all takes.
She absolutely loves the sport, and also being strong and fit, but the environment just stinks and I have seen her passion really diminish in the last year. I am really disappointed in the gym, because I think they should be coaching people first, athletes second, but they simply don’t operate that way. I realize my kid isn’t perfect, she for sure has some attitude and probably isn’t a very good listener, especially when she’s angry or frustrated. But people who have been coaching teen girls for the last 30 years should be pretty good at dealing with most of that, and I sure don’t get the impression that they are.
We have gotten her privates and even sports psychology coaching in the last 2 years, and though it all helps, it isn’t sustainable. I’m also questioning why we can only get privates with the same coaches that are already coaching her, when they’re the ones yelling at her for regressing.
There aren’t any “good” options for other gyms. There are options, and we’ve considered them, but the travel time, expense and competition level right now are in the Goldilocks zone. My wife feels like leaving this gym now will mean she can never come back if another one doesn’t work out (probably true), and then of course who knows what new challenges await? I do feel like my daughter owes it to herself to leave on her terms and not be forced into it, or let the “bad people” beat her. But how much of a negative environment is it worth enduring? Is there a certain point, level, or age in youth gymnastics where it just makes sense to walk away and say I gave it my best effort? Will she grow into her new body and this is just a blip on the radar? It does seem as though the older girls just ignore the yelling and criticism of the coaches, so I keep hoping maturity will help that. But I also feel bad for her, and want her to be able to enjoy a sport that she loves, or else move on and find another passion.

 

[rd7]

It is normal to lose skills at this age when your daughter is getting used to her new body. Can you arrange a meeting with the head coach/her coaches to see if this can be resolved? If not then leave, try another gym or another sport. 20 hours per week of this environment is not healthy.

 

[WV Gym Mom]

You've described your current gym as: old school, lacking modern technique, having 20hr practices leading to overuse injury, yelling and getting mad at gymnasts, and/or ignoring gymnasts who regress. Do you really want to willingly keep your daughter in that environment? That would be a hard no from me. No sport is worth putting a child into that type of situation.

 

[Carly]

You've described your current gym as: old school, lacking modern technique, having 20hr practices leading to overuse injury, yelling and getting mad at gymnasts, and/or ignoring gymnasts who regress. Do you really want to willingly keep your daughter in that environment? That would be a hard no from me. No sport is worth putting a child into that type of situation.

I completely agree. I really don't think that having a meeting with them will change anything if it has been this way for 30 years and is a culture there. If it was just one or two coaches, then a meeting could be beneficial.
What do you mean by "There aren’t any “good” options for other gyms"? Maybe a gym that has less of a reputation of being a great gym with many level 10s and girls going to college on scholarships (if your does), could be a better fit for your daughter. Maybe Xcel could be a better option with less hours to help with repetitive use injuries.

 

[LarvaeRabbit]

It is normal to lose skills at this age when your daughter is getting used to her new body. Can you arrange a meeting with the head coach/her coaches to see if this can be resolved? If not then leave, try another gym or another sport. 20 hours per week of this environment is not healthy.

For some added context, last year we discussed heavily moving gyms after a tough (but not terrible) meet season. We’re in a somewhat rural area, so this gym is the closest one that is also highly competitive. Living in an area like this, sometimes you just have to accept that options are fewer and accept certain realities. We have helped with the psychological aspect for my daughter to accept these realities as much as possible. Some of them, like jerk people and poor leadership, are things she’s going to have to learn how to deal with in all aspects of her life at some point.

If it were solely my decision, yes, she’d be practicing somewhere else or doing a different sport or activity right now. I also have little tolerance for this type of environment in youth sports. However, my wife has built a really solid support network of friends at this gym, she volunteers for the booster club, and helps coach the littles to pay down tuition. We also have a (dwindling) carpool to help spread the load of spending an hour driving each practice night. She also knows the owners (who are the optionals head coaches), and knows they aren’t bad people. But they are very rigid in their coaching style, along with many of the other issues highlighted above, that really seem to a problem only with the higher level optionals.

All that to ask, is it worth just “getting through” one more year, knowing she can be an all-star on a not very good high school team? Or that the skills and life lessons she’s developing can translate to other sports or activities? I’m sort of afraid this is going to be a constant them for the next 5 years and I’m not sure I can mentally handle it!

 

[LarvaeRabbit]

You've described your current gym as: old school, lacking modern technique, having 20hr practices leading to overuse injury, yelling and getting mad at gymnasts, and/or ignoring gymnasts who regress. Do you really want to willingly keep your daughter in that environment? That would be a hard no from me. No sport is worth putting a child into that type of situation.

Appreciate the response. I may have mistyped my original post, they were practicing 20 hours per week over the summer. 5 hours per day, 4 days per week. So I think it was surprising to us that she lost skills over the summer.

I just finished a reply to a different comment outlining what I meant by “good” options. I think the best alternate option is a gym about an hour drive away (twice as far as we go now, without a carpool). They don’t compete USGA (I don’t think? Not really sure about all that stuff), but provide a really solid pipeline for that district’s high school team. However, its otherwise a complete unknown to all of us, and is there a possibility that my daughter would miss the intensity of the higher levels and meets? Or do you think she would be find just focusing on solid technique in a (hopefully) more positive and productive environment and being a great HS gymnast?
Ironically, this gym we’re at doesn’t produce scholarship athletes and has few L10’s anyway. The best 10’s we’ve seen from here have gone to D3 schools, which would still be amazing for us if our daughter went that far. But I’m actually ok if she just has a good high school career and keeps enjoying the sport. I don’t think paying the amount of money we do is worth it unless she has a really good shot at college level athletics. Is it possible to find freelance coaches who can make like a scouting evaluation? We don’t seem to get that type of feedback from our current gym.

 

[BusyMomof2]

I am so sorry, I feel this so closely. We just left an old school gym - I could have described it exactly as you did. We've been gone for 4 months and still have not untangled the damage that was done at the very end - the yelling, humiliation tactics, threats, and allllll the tears that were commonplace. It is not worth it.

 

[LarvaeRabbit]

I am so sorry, I feel this so closely. We just left an old school gym - I could have described it exactly as you did. We've been gone for 4 months and still have not untangled the damage that was done at the very end - the yelling, humiliation tactics, threats, and allllll the tears that were commonplace. It is not worth it.

I'm very interested to hear your story. What type of damage? Emotional? Health? And did it surface in the sport or in other aspects of life? My daughter has gone from a confident, fearless kid a couple years ago to someone who doesn't want to stand out, lacking confidence, and hesitant to try new things. We don't know how much of this to chalk up to middle school, teenage emotions, or her gym environment. I assume its a combination of all of it, but very hard to, as you said, untangle, which environment contributes most to which emotions.

 

[BusyMomof2]

I'm very interested to hear your story. What type of damage? Emotional? Health? And did it surface in the sport or in other aspects of life? My daughter has gone from a confident, fearless kid a couple years ago to someone who doesn't want to stand out, lacking confidence, and hesitant to try new things. We don't know how much of this to chalk up to middle school, teenage emotions, or her gym environment. I assume its a combination of all of it, but very hard to, as you said, untangle, which environment contributes most to which emotions.

Is there a way to DM on this site? It's a long story that I can't imagine others would be interested in, but the details may be important for you given your situation.

 

[Carly]

Is there a way to DM on this site? It's a long story that I can't imagine others would be interested in, but the details may be important for you given your situation.

Yes, click on the envelope on the right top bar next to your user name.

 

[WV Gym Mom]

I think at this point the question isn't about the best moves for her gymnastics future, but its simply the best for her mental health. I think its important that we teach our children to never put up with being devalued, yelled at, or treated badly. Allowing them to stay in a situation where they are treated like this can make then think this is OK. It is never OK.

 

[LarvaeRabbit]

I think at this point the question isn't about the best moves for her gymnastics future, but its simply the best for her mental health. I think its important that we teach our children to never put up with being devalued, yelled at, or treated badly. Allowing them to stay in a situation where they are treated like this can make then think this is OK. It is never OK.

You are so right. This forum has really helped me understand what is happening at the gym vs. what would ideally be happening. And its helping me have better conversations and ask better questions of my daughter and my wife. I sort of always assumed that, hey, gymnastics is really tough, sort of like football, where coaches are tough on the kids but there's a reason for it. But last night my daughter was explaining that she feels like its either D1 or failure. The head coach/owner's attitude seems to be, if you aren't tough enough to handle my coaching, then you aren't tough enough to handle D1. And its probably true, but they only send one or two gymnasts within every 4-5 years to D1, while the rest of the team overall get their butts kicked by every other gym in state and region. And its common knowledge that certain favorites at the gym don't pay tuition, and get treated with kid gloves, while everyone else pays full price, plus privates to supplement the coaching they aren't getting, (and also work their rear ends off helping coach littles and fundraise for the club), all while our kids get lumped into the rest of the group that "isn't good enough" because they aren't emotionless robots, likeable enough, or naturally physically gifted enough.
So this turned into an overall therapy vent session for me, and its all the same stuff my wife and other mom's complain about, but they want to support their kid's "career", the kids themselves just want to do gymnastics, and quite honestly at the lower levels (5 and under), the coaching is much more normal and laid back. Its generally high school or college kids, trained moms, and a couple full timers that love the sport. It seems as if they are all just dealing with the BS for pure love of the sport and seeing young kids chase their dreams.
At this point I think we're going to work with my daughter to rebuild her confidence through privates (with a lower-level but relatable coach who made it to L10 at this same gym before injuries ended her career). Hopefully that, plus our support, will help her better deal with the yelling and cliquiness through this year's meet season. After this season we'll revisit her goals and most likely try a different gym that will hopefully focus on fundamentals and gymnastics at the high school level instead of USGA. Or she'll go into high school with other sport options in front of her. In any case we won't feel like we're ruining her chances at stardom and glory by helping her enjoy a sport she loves again.

 

[cmg]

I am sorry you and your family are going through this difficult journey. If the gym's attitude is D1 or failure, I don't see how that is sustainable. Let's face it, D1 athletes now are basically almost professional athletes. There is a post on this site that looked at who was getting D1 spots. Most gymnasts were multi-year L10 athletes at least with a 38+ AA score. However, there was a wide range of experience and average scores at the D2 and D3 level. Perhaps one of the administrators could link that post here. I think that having a goal of getting to college gymnastics whether it is with a gymnastics club or a lower level school is just as important as the D1 scholarship athlete. Society puts a lot of pressure on student athletes to get that athletic scholarship which I don't agree with. D1 scholarships are incredibly competitive in any sport. A lot of these incoming students are practically professionals/elites/ex-Olympian's/future Olympians. Olympic athletes are basically the top 1% of all athletes. Do you really want to put that kind of pressure on your kid to get to college? Unless you in the top 1% you are a failure? I certainly don't and I suspect most parents don't either, I just think they don't realize the actual requirements of getting an athletic scholarship.

D3 schools don't give athletic scholarships but do give academic scholarships. Which is just as important, but most folks don't ask about academic scholarships. For instance, my daughter was lucky enough to get on a D3 team and we had a "signing" party at the gym. There was a dad there waiting for his child and I had to ask him to move over so we could set up the area. He asked what was going on and I said that we were having a signing party for two of the athletes that were doing gymnastics in college. The first words out of his mouth were "Did they get an athletic scholarship?" I had to explain that they were going to D3 schools, and they got academic scholarships since D3 didn't give out athletic scholarships. He basically was not interested anymore since they didn't get athletic scholarships. I didn't say anything, but I was really annoyed with that attitude. But for some reason most people only care about athletic scholarships. I think the school my daughter is going to is the perfect fit for her and I am hoping she has a great career. She was injured a lot her last two years so we are thrilled she was able to make a D3 team.

So bottom line is your daughter's mental health is the most important issue to work on and if that means not going for a D1 scholarship then so be it. There are many ways to enjoy gymnastics after high school beside the coveted D1 scholarship.

 

[LarvaeRabbit]

I could not agree more with everything you said. This gym has produced far more D3 athletes than D1 scholarships, and to my untrained eye they are all really damn good athletes and deserve credit for all the hard work they put in. One of the girls in my daughter's L7 competition group last year was a senior, and that's as far as she went, but she was one of the happiest athletes, super hard worker and an awesome role model (plus she didn't take any crap off the old-school head coach, which everyone thought was awesome, but with age comes wisdom). I made a point to tell her parents how impressed I was with her attitude and work ethic. I want to see my daughter continue on a path like that of simply enjoying a sport she loves for the sport and the people, not because some dude who used to be great only cares about one out of 100 athletes.

 

[GymDadWA]

I just wanted to reply to the growing part.

My DD is slightly older than yours and the growth spurts where absolutely brutal for her gymnastics. Every time she grew .5" skills would just vanish, stuff she did in her sleep all of a sudden felt off, vault was a disaster where she constantly felt like her strides were off. Each time her hips or chest grew her balance was off on bars to the point where fundamental skills like kips were hard.

Eventually the growing stopped and she adjusted, but it did take a lot of time, and patience from her was pushed to the limits. Fortunately for us her coach understood and reassured her and us that the skills would come back and it happens to everyone.

Point being she isn't alone, everyone grows at the own rate and there is no easy way to adjust.

 

[Tigtimes]

So my Daughter finished her gymnastics career last year as a senior in high school. She made it to level 10 (was actually vault state champion) and did not have college gym aspirations, there was a time it was considered and we tried a gym with college track record but the drive was far and she decided it wasn’t for her and we returned to her old gym. She continued with the sport with college not as a goal. A college scholarship does not have to be the end all thing, the only reason to do the sport. if your gym is saying that is the only reason well then they are wrong. D1 scholarships are few and far between, even the lower D1 teams. Too many coaches dangle the D1 dream most who have no right doing so. If your gym is not consistently placing kids on D1 teams, as in every year, then honestly they have no right to their attitude.

There is life after club gymnastics. Month Before competition season of her senior year she decided she was done. She had all her upgraded level 10 skills and looked great but she just felt she was done .. It was a roller coaster of a time, her whole life since age of 3 was the gym. She did high school Gymnastics team at last minute and I saw her smile and have fun for the first time in years, even though the skills she was doing were just shadows of her past gymnastics life.

She was recruited by the track coach and figured why not. Excelled in triple jump and was unbeaten all year making all state team as a first time senior. There is life after gymnastics. Your daughter is an athlete and her skills can translate to other sports.

As for growing, it caused total chaos for my daughter. Just the slightest growth and bars and beam were a disaster. Skills lost then found again was a constant. In my option the girls that grew when younger made it though easier, mine didn’t have her growth spurt till 15. Hang tight your daughter will get through it, it just takes time for the body and brain to adjust.

 

[LarvaeRabbit]

So my Daughter finished her gymnastics career last year as a senior in high school. She made it to level 10 (was actually vault state champion) and did not have college gym aspirations, there was a time it was considered and we tried a gym with college track record but the drive was far and she decided it wasn’t for her and we returned to her old gym. She continued with the sport with college not as a goal. A college scholarship does not have to be the end all thing, the only reason to do the sport. if your gym is saying that is the only reason well then they are wrong. D1 scholarships are few and far between, even the lower D1 teams. Too many coaches dangle the D1 dream most who have no right doing so. If your gym is not consistently placing kids on D1 teams, as in every year, then honestly they have no right to their attitude.

There is life after club gymnastics. Month Before competition season of her senior year she decided she was done. She had all her upgraded level 10 skills and looked great but she just felt she was done .. It was a roller coaster of a time, her whole life since age of 3 was the gym. She did high school Gymnastics team at last minute and I saw her smile and have fun for the first time in years, even though the skills she was doing were just shadows of her past gymnastics life.

She was recruited by the track coach and figured why not. Excelled in triple jump and was unbeaten all year making all state team as a first time senior. There is life after gymnastics. Your daughter is an athlete and her skills can translate to other sports.

As for growing, it caused total chaos for my daughter. Just the slightest growth and bars and beam were a disaster. Skills lost then found again was a constant. In my option the girls that grew when younger made it though easier, mine didn’t have her growth spurt till 15. Hang tight your daughter will get through it, it just takes time for the body and brain to adjust.

I shared with her some of the comments you and others have made about the growing part, and it was sort of like a weight was lifted off of her. Bars and beam have been a real struggle for her lately, and they have always been her best and favorite events, and the ones she's willing to work the hardest on. So her main coach for those events has been getting more frustrated and angry with her, and then they just demote her in practice groups and give up (or at least that's the appearance of it, we don't truly know because they never say). So she's been feeling so much pressure because she doesn't really know why she lost the skills, or why the same skills suddenly became so difficult.
And like someone else said, some of the athletes have matured more quickly and have gone through this already. Last year there were two that struggled similarly, and had some really tough meets, and we told our daughter to support them as much as possible. But unfortunately now those same ones are criticizing her and talking trash as she goes through the same struggles. That's in no small part because the gym culture allows it to continue, but its also just how some people are and will always be, and its a different life lesson to learn.

 

[Dahlialover]

Does this gym have an xcel program with a different coaching staff? That is the only option I would consider at your current gym.