Parents Seeking parent advice

[MILgymFAM]

Oh trust me, we have our issues. Age just isnt' one of them. It's interesting to me you say they point out what she does wrong. I would think the coach would be all over that. As in "it's the coach's job to coach, it's your job to work" sort of thing.

I wonder if the fact that she gets to train with the L6s makes the L5 girls jealous? Dangit I don't know. I just want them to be nice to her.

Haha- me too! It's set up in the program that the girls critique each other's skills regularly. A few girls from the L6 group sometimes scream mistakes at my DD from across the gym. They are generally a little less invested in correcting each other. The day that she works out with the L6s is an extra practice open to anyone, but no one else chose to participate.

 

[Deleted member 18037]

I wonder if the coaches just don't get it. As if they are of the kids will be kids mentality (which I hate with a passion).

Or is it because the kids are younger then yours they just don't see it as a problem, well because they are "little" (as if little can't equal mean and bratty)..........

Just thinking out loud.

 

[MILgymFAM]

I wonder if the coaches just don't get it. As if they are of the kids will be kids mentality (which I hate with a passion).

Or is it because the kids are younger then yours they just don't see it as a problem, well because they are "little" (as if little can't equal mean and bratty)..........

Just thinking out loud.

I think her level coach doesn't get it. Her HC, well I truly don't understand him at all. An enigma wrapped in a puzzle, wrapped in a box right there. I hope it's not the age thing. To me twelve and fourteen aren't different enough to be lacking in expectations from the younger kids.

 

[l.c.o]

Oh, this makes my heart hurt.

When my DD was first at a former gym, she split her four practice days between two groups. The lower group was, in general, unfriendly since she practiced with the higher level group. The higher level group treated my DD as though she wasn't good enough to really be with them....

The parents weren't much better, and on several occasions, I overheard them saying not so great things about my DD (and, by extension, our family). You have to wonder why the kids said what they did.... Over time I tried scheduling get togethers, but no go, really.

DD was hurt and we talked often and hoped it would turn around in time. Thankfully within a month of joining the gym, there were two other new girls in a similar situation, where their skills didn't really fit either group. So, the three of them trained together and got pretty close. Benefit was DD wasn't alone, but on the flip side, the chasm did grow wider, and at times, DD said that it felt like the 3 of them vs. the "other" girls.

Thankfully we've switched DD back to her original gym (for a lot of other reasons) and she is with a really great group of kids... With a range of ages and strengths, and they're supportive of each other. So much so, I'm not even sure it's normal.

I wonder if your DD being eventually placed in just one training group would help? I seriously think that is what contributed to the issue at DD's former gym. I know she wants a shot at JO, and I hope she gets it. But you absolutely don't want to sacrifice her mental health for it! She'll just ended up out of the sport due to these frustrations, if they aren't somehow fixed. Yes, I get wanting to toughen up your girl... I'm sure mine can use it too, but as you've said, there's a difference between toughening them up a bit and crushing their spirit.

She'll sadly be hurt by a lot of people in life, intentionally or unintentionally, so teaching her a healthy outlook and way to handle it is very, very smart. She needs to know that people's actions/words are a reflection of THEMSELVES, not the other person. hugs to your DD. Wish we could sneak her here!

 

[JMACAZ]

I am so sad this is happening. And if it is just a 2-3 year age difference those girls should know better. And the Coach needs to address it. I guess in the end only your DD can decide when enough is enough. If gym is really worth it to her to have to put up with "mean girls" I really hope the road gets less bumpy.

 

[1canadiangymmom]

From everything you have shared, it really sounds like your ODD loves gymnastics, is a very hard worker, and you have moved mountains to keep her doing what she loves and give her opportunities that are (sadly) increasingly fleeting due to her not being super young. There will always be mean girls/people, and there will always be messages about our body size/weight from a million different sources and angles. It would be a shame to retreat from her one opportunity because of the shortcomings of others (i.e., some meanness/insensitivity of 1-2 girls, a somewhat apathetic coach).

No easy task, but I suppose I'm more of the mind to try to thicken the skin over time - to insert oneself into environments that may repel you at first, rather than retreat away from potential clashing and sacrifice your own wants and needs.

I have a child who has started to be teased for his size, and will likely be more perpetually teased as he reaches middle and high school. I do the best I can to teach him to respond to negative comments with calm, inquisitive, matter-of-fact-style conversation - to face it head on, not by retreating. It might not always work, but I try to teach him to "hold open the doors" with other people, even when they are mean or insensitive, and perhaps some will come in eventually. And some are just mean and won't ever come in, but the idea is to set him up as the person in power - the one actively holding the door for others - to change the mindset from victim to owner in charge of his own "house" and who may come in. He also has the power to decide to close the door to anyone who has crossed the line too many times. I could go on, but you get the idea. Basically I can't protect him from all situations where he will be bullied, but I can give him tools, and try to put him in the proper mindset, so that the bullying doesn't take hold and chase him away from places and things he enjoys. At least that is the hope

If my daughter were getting these comments, I might teach her to respond with things like...

Girl: Ugh, you're so big and heavy! Why do you have to be my partner?
DD: Spotting me probably is challenging. I'm like a giant, right?
DD: Yep, all that muscle is super heavy. If it's really too hard for you, do you need to ask the coach to switch?
DD: I know! You're like a tiny butterfly compared to me. I need a bigger partner so I can actually build some muscle spotting you.
DD: Ok, Susie, I've heard you say that a few times now. I'm obviously taller and therefore heavier. I know that's hard for you. If you really don't want to work together, lets talk to the coach about it, because I want to train and I need a supportive partner.

Maybe she already responds in a supportive way, and just gets eye rolls or more hostility? But if she isn't responding at all and just letting the comments get under her skin, maybe it's time to amp up the skin-toughening?

I am so sorry she's running into this in her gym. I hope it is just 1-2 girls, and they can come around or she can learn to tolerate their insensitivities. I would hate to see her chased away.

This hit home for me, Sasha, I wish you could have given this advice to my mom when I was growing up. I quit gymnastics due to "mean girls" making comments on my size, and making me feel like I didn't belong at the gym, even though in the real world 5'3" and 100lbs is far from big for a 13 year old. Anyway, to this day, giving up on something I loved just because of other people has been one of my biggest regrets.

 

[Anna's_Mom]

I'm coming at this from a slightly different angle. My DS (not a gymnast) put up with snarky comments from classmates during PE throughout middle school. The teachers weren't very sympathetic and shrugged it off. And they got frustrated with him (overweight, asthmatic, unhappy...) as well and didn't hide it very well. By the end of 8th grade he was so miserable that there was a major mental-health breakdown and he ended up hospitalized and in intensive therapy programs off and on for months. So, this sort of constant undermining can do HUGE damage that you don't see until it is done. I realize that isn't very encouraging, but I found out the hard way not to ignore this sort of thing as typical teen issues and I try to share that frequently. Which really says, good for you for being concerned and not just shrugging this off.

That being said, what is it about JO that your daughter likes? Is it the competition? Is it the more challenging/fast moving coaching? The
"glamour"? And is JO truly the only way to get whatever it is that she values? If so, then she has a decision to make as to whether this is worth it. If SHE decides to stick with it, then you teach her how to deflect the kid's comments, how to speak up for herself to the coaches and how to ignore it all in favor of trying for her dream. This is basically where my DD is with gym -- she will never be great, she is "too old" by most gyms standards, and she is far from the coaches golden girls. Many of the younger, higher potential girls can be bratty. But she wants to keep going, even after I have offered several alternatives. So we work a lot on the mental attitude that will allow her to do that with minimal damage to her self esteem.

But I think the key is presenting this to her and letting her make the decision. Know the alternatives (back to dance, back to Xcel, just rec but at a higher level if available...) and let her know these exist. And that you don't care what she chooses (even if you do ) And that continuing with the current path means learning to put up with the bad along with the good. Because, as someone else said, nothing you do is going to change the gym or the coaches. Especially since it seems like you might be a "temporary" part of the gym (even if its not true, that is the going assumption for military families).

Its hard to see them struggle. I wish I could reach out and fix everything that makes my kids unhappy. I think that is the hardest part of being a parent and there are times when I wish they weren't so involved in things!

 

[MILgymFAM]

That being said, what is it about JO that your daughter likes?

Especially since it seems like you might be a "temporary" part of the gym (even if its not true, that is the going assumption for military families).
things!

I am so sorry that your DS had to go through that- that your entire family had to go through that. I hope he's in a better head space these days.

Why JO? I have asked her the same thing. So has her HC. She likes to compete, but had that in xcel. She doesn't see glamour, I don't think. She just wants to be in the gym every single day, learning new things and getting stronger. So, it's mostly the hours and skills. I don't know of a rec or xcel program that touches JO (around here) for either. I have asked so many times if she would like to go back to dance, stay in or go back to xcel, do as many rec classes as I could manage. She just wants to be in the gym, on a team. I genuinely won't mind (at all) if and when she's done with gym. I've never understood the level of passion in the first place.

You're right about the temporary thing. Dance, schools, friends, jobs (that one is mine), and gym- it's easier for people to not worry as much about where exactly we fit in, because we aren't a long term thing.

Thank you for sharing your story.

 

[Anna's_Mom]

So, it's mostly the hours and skills. I don't know of a rec or xcel program that touches JO (around here) for either.

It's a shame that there aren't more resources in your area. Here she could probably do almost as many hours in our advanced rec program or the Y's Xcel program or try out for the high school team (assuming high school, of course).

So it seems like she needs to learn to cope with the girls if she wants to continue that badly. Back to the resources questions then. We found that DS wouldn't really listen to us enough to be able to change his reaction to the kids around him, but he would listen to his therapist. We also found a social skills class for teens that taught him a lot of skills. Not because there is something wrong, but because sometimes a different adult voice gets a different response, are there things like that around you?

Maybe the best thing would be to add something to your DD's day that was provided more positive reinforcement and interaction with kinder peers. I know you said that scheduling was difficult, but maybe there is something creative you can do? Does she HAVE to be in the gym as many hours as she is (our gym has a minimum commitment and then the rest of the hours are optional). Even if she doesn't want to give up a day, maybe it would be worth forcing it for a bit to try something else? Or, since you homeschool, can you take advantage of the flexibility that gives you to add something else to her week? One thing that comes to mind for me is that DS's karate class offered about as much coaching on dealing with peers, and life, as it did about correct kicks and strikes. Or maybe something that gives her a chance to help someone (or something) would be affirming? Volunteering at an animal shelter or nursing home -- something like that? I'd say something where she isn't going to be judged and will be good at would be an essential part of her schedule to counter the negatives she is hearing at the gym.

Coming out of our difficult time, the one thing I am certain of is that kids need a rock in their lives -- the one thing they do well and consistently makes them feel good about themselves. For my son it turned out to be singing. For my daughter, I think it may end up being the dog. Good luck finding that thing for your daughter!

 

[NMNorskie]

In my experience, girls (and women) who behave like this do so in the dark. They like it to be under the radar, where they know they can get away with it. They're like cockroaches; if you turn on a bright light, they run and hide (or at least pick an easier target).

So the best approach is to shine a bright light on them, like this:

Mean Girl: You're too big to spot.
Nice Girl: [LOUD, with a puzzled look] Wait, what? I'm to big to spot? Huh. That's weird, because I've been doing this for a long time, and nobody's ever had any trouble. Did I hear you wrong? Oh wait, are you injured? Is that it?

Seriously, LOUD. Puzzled and LOUD. Every single time. Mean Girl will get flustered and shut up and/or coach will overhear and do something, just to make the conflict stop. People will go to great lengths to avoid that bright light.

If she does this a few times, I bet it will stop. When people know that you will absolutely not allow them to operate in the dark, they think twice about targeting you. You don't have to be aggressive or belligerent; you just have to make sure that EVERYONE can hear what this chick just said to you.

I moved around a lot as a kid, and I was skinny and weird. I had to learn how to deal with these people, and they were everywhere. This was the method that worked best for me, because I was too dorky to be flip or witty or scary (at least, back then. Now I am a mean old lady who will bring down the Hammer of Thor on that crap in about three seconds, because WHAT DID YOU SAY? NO YOU DID NOT SAY THAT. But you probably aren't going for Mean Old Lady just yet. )

 

[Deleted member 18037]

^^^^^ I want to like that a billion times, in fact I love and will be using your cockroach analogy in the future.

 

[COz]

But you probably aren't going for Mean Old Lady just yet. )

She might not be going for that, but I think I'd like to become your apprentice!

 

[2G1B]

This all makes me so sad! My DD is in a group of 4 main girls and then works out with the upper optionals girls some too. For her main group, she is 11, another girl is almost 11, another is 13 and the 4th is 15 or 16. All of these girls are soooo nice to each other! DD does deal with one girl from the upper optionals who gets a bit bossy with her; but other than that all of the girls are great together. The age range is 10 - 15/16. There is just no acceptable reason for these girls to be mean.

I do know that the girls on my DD's team are generally matched up for similar height/weight for stretching since it can be hard for a shorter girl to help a taller girl. But that still is no excuse for these types of comments.