Parents Somewhat OT, but an interesting parenting article...

[MaryA]

I'm more the finish out your committment type of mom and the eat whatever I give you or don't eat at all type.

My other daughter decided to try track this summer. She's not loving it, and I had considered letting her quit (though I hadn't mentioned that to HER) but as we were discussing the things she liked/didn't like about track she said, "I know what you're going to say, Mom. I know that I made the commitment to do it and you paid for it, so I need to stick it out until the end of the season." Oh. O.K. I didn't know that I was going to say that, but it sounds like a good responsible mommy thing to say, so we'll go with it. I suspect, at the very least, she will come back from dance camp markedly less sore than she did last year having been running track since April.

 

[NGL780309]

Just read the "child-men" article and it was so timely; this morning I was yelling at my 10yr old DS for never practicing the guitar he got for his birthday in March(he'd been begging for one since he was 4). I was going on and on about the lack of follow through, how he would never get good without practicing, how if he thought a 45min lesson once a week would make him a rock star was woefully wrong and then segued into how life doesn't hand you things and you have to work hard and start low if you want to succeed. Now having read the article, I just want to give myself a big pat on the back. Now I must read the other one.

Good for you. I've taught private music lessons for years and there's nothing I hate more than parents who pay for lessons and don't make their kids practice. If they don't want to play, that's fine, but move on then. Kids need to know that to be good at anything they must work at it, even if they don't want to all the time. I always told my students that if you are practicing only when you want to, you aren't practicing enough. It's a discipline that takes dedication and effort.

I've been telling my DD since I can remember that whatever she chooses is fine, but she will work hard at it.

 

[MdGymMom01]

I'm a single mom too, excpet 2 kiddos. I'm overprotective as far as where she goes, who she's with etc, but that's because this world is full of crazy people.

I often worry that I don't do enough for my kids. I'm tired so I'm often telling her to get it herself and I feel guilty for that. I guess it's a good thing afterall. Basically I'm just lazy lol. When she says she's hungry I don't jump up and fix her a full meal. I say, "I'm busy on CB, make yourself a PB&J or starve." LOL She does chores and sorts her own laundry, loads the dishwasher etc. My biggest guilt is that she helps her little sister so much. She dresses her for me, makes her sandwhiches, helps her.

I was raised this way though. I came from a big family and had to do a lot for myself and my younger siblings from a young age.

I'm a single mom with two kids too. I often feel guilty because of how much dd does help ds (they are 3 years apart dd-12 and ds-9) and I am often busy with other stuff or just too lazy to jump to their every command! LOL. DS can be very needy and a bit spoiled because he is my "baby" and I am finding that I may have created a monster! But I figure, better late than never in whipping him into shape. I realize now that I should have been stricter with him when he was younger. Oh well, live and learn, I guess!

 

[SkiBumGymMom]

I'm a single mom too, excpet 2 kiddos. I'm overprotective as far as where she goes, who she's with etc, but that's because this world is full of crazy people.

I often worry that I don't do enough for my kids. I'm tired so I'm often telling her to get it herself and I feel guilty for that. I guess it's a good thing afterall. Basically I'm just lazy lol. When she says she's hungry I don't jump up and fix her a full meal. I say, "I'm busy on CB, make yourself a PB&J or starve." LOL She does chores and sorts her own laundry, loads the dishwasher etc. My biggest guilt is that she helps her little sister so much. She dresses her for me, makes her sandwhiches, helps her.

I was raised this way though. I came from a big family and had to do a lot for myself and my younger siblings from a young age.

NGL I'm the same way! I'm a single mom to 3 kids, one into his 30's with a 9 y/o DD of his own, and my two DDs, the youngest who just graduated and left home. My oldest DD is in college while.... my youngest DD is still convinced she's going to dance in NYC. She did get a studio company dancer role in our state's ballet company though and has moved out, into a house with some other dancers, and also works teaching at the studio she trained at through high school. So while I'm not thrilled she's decided to bypass college (I had my son very young and did that originally, it took years to go back to school and made my life more difficult than it should have been) but I'm glad she's at least working hard and has discipline and motivation to accomplish things.

I think with my oldest DD I didn't want to fall into the trap that I see with so many special needs parents (as a special needs education coordinator in our district) and hover and take away some of her agency. I originally enrolled her in gymnastics at age 3, partially for the physical gains, but also for the self esteem gains and knowing that gym is a sport that requires self motivation and discipline. It worked out because she had the motivation to still do gym after I stopped driving her, found a college scholarship on her own and now moved across the country for an internship. She's never started collecting disability like so many young adults who are Deaf or hard of hearing do, just because they can. She doesn't look at herself as disabled and is able to navigate the world on her own, which is all I wanted starting back when she was an infant and we found out about her disability and I was making these parenting decisions.

Bog- I read the article you posted too and just can't help but wonder, where's the discipline? I grew up in a very large Quebecois Catholic family though, and my parents worked in the lumber industry then traveled for work when it dried up. We were solidly blue collar though. Maybe it was my upbringing that affected the way I raise my kids, or my own financial situation when I did have my family. I do see this all the time in our school district though, even at the high school level. Kids, particularly boys and young men, just don't care anymore. We seem to have a society that not only condones, but celebrates that mentality too (just look at any of the major movies with young males in them, Knocked Up certainly comes to mind) It's really sad when you think about it.

Sometimes I feel guilty because I wasn't always able to give my kiddos what they wanted, but I always tried to give them what they needed. My DS has had struggled through his 20s because of a rough relationship with his father and myself (I'm not making excuses for him, he put up with a lot more than an average kid should have to, but his father and I were young and immature and never really had a relationship), but I think I learned from that for my DDs. Life has been a long, strange ride (oh the book I could write) but I think we're all finally in a good place and that's what matters!

 

[bogwoppit]

Bog- I read the article you posted too and just can't help but wonder, where's the discipline? I grew up in a very large Quebecois Catholic family though, and my parents worked in the lumber industry then traveled for work when it dried up. We were solidly blue collar though. Maybe it was my upbringing that affected the way I raise my kids, or my own financial situation when I did have my family. I do see this all the time in our school district though, even at the high school level. Kids, particularly boys and young men, just don't care anymore. We seem to have a society that not only condones, but celebrates that mentality too (just look at any of the major movies with young males in them, Knocked Up certainly comes to mind) It's really sad when you think about it.

I sometimes wonder if parents have become afraid of being disliked by their kids. Being consistent and firm, even when you know your child will be upset, is what kids need. BUt I see so many opf my childrens friends being ruined. I do not even mean with things, but mostly with permissive parenint where anything goes as long as the children are happy. I also see the "we work hard so we deserve nice things" seeping into lives all over. IN the 60's and 70's working hard was what you did, it didn't necessarily reap rewards. Now parents and kids everywhere expect to have all the newest and collest things. KIds expect cars, and proms and fabulous clothes and phones with no real effort on their part.

How will kids ever stand on their own two feet if their "lifestylNeeds" have become so expensive they will never earn enough to meet them, let alone pay for a roof over their heads.

My son is in the big city, trying hard to get a job to support himseelf. It isn't easy, and really not easy to watch for me, but I know this is what's right. But it would be so easy just to cave in and hand over the credit card.

Coterpandguidegirl, I think the general attitude in Quebec has always been that of hard work gets you what you need. But even up here (very close to where Bri tells me you are from) things are changing too. I came from a working class single parent family too, it certainly has affected how I raise my kids.

 

[MaryA]

I think consistancy is key. I will admit that I sometimes spoil/overendulge my kids. BUT if I tell them "if you don't clean your room, you can't go to your friend's house" they know that I WILL follow through. If there room isn't clean, they will absolutely NOT go to their friend's house. Sometimes it's hard. Sometimes you tell kids "if you X, then I will Y" and then they X and the last thing in the world you want to do is Y, but you do it anyway because you said that you would. And you especially have to do it if they throw a hissy fit about it, because if they throw a fit, and you let them off the hook "just this once" then the next hissy fit will be twice as big. I have very well-behaved kids. Not perfect kids, by any stretch of the imagination, but neither of them has ever gotten a negative comment on a report card (other than "fails to keep work area neet" and I have to say that the apple doesn't fall very far from either tree in that case). I do think some of that is "luck of the draw" (nature rather than nurture) but I think some of it IS follow-through and consistancy. And I don't think it makes them hate me (not yet... give them another couple of years) because they KNOW what to expect. There is NO guesswork. And I think they like that, even when the result is not what they might have hoped... if that makes any sense...

 

[lilgymmie7]

I sometimes wonder if parents have become afraid of being disliked by their kids. Being consistent and firm, even when you know your child will be upset, is what kids need. BUt I see so many opf my childrens friends being ruined. I do not even mean with things, but mostly with permissive parenint where anything goes as long as the children are happy. I also see the "we work hard so we deserve nice things" seeping into lives all over. IN the 60's and 70's working hard was what you did, it didn't necessarily reap rewards. Now parents and kids everywhere expect to have all the newest and collest things. KIds expect cars, and proms and fabulous clothes and phones with no real effort on their part.

How will kids ever stand on their own two feet if their "lifestylNeeds" have become so expensive they will never earn enough to meet them, let alone pay for a roof over their heads.

My son is in the big city, trying hard to get a job to support himseelf. It isn't easy, and really not easy to watch for me, but I know this is what's right. But it would be so easy just to cave in and hand over the credit card.

Coterpandguidegirl, I think the general attitude in Quebec has always been that of hard work gets you what you need. But even up here (very close to where Bri tells me you are from) things are changing too. I came from a working class single parent family too, it certainly has affected how I raise my kids.

Bog this was the same mentality that ran rampant in my parents home as well when I was growing up. I remember working in high school and using the money earned to help pay for my private school. I come from a family of 5 children and all but two try to parent with the same thought.
My sister for one buys her boys all technological items as a means 'to keep up with the Joneses'. I tell you it makes it harder on my kids when they see their cousins coming over with all the latest items. Yet as their mother, I know what's right is making them work hard to get what they want. I want them to learn that when we are showered with everything we tend to lose the value of the item and we then do expect it all. In the end, they learn to value all that they are able to earn. There is nothing wrong with raising children to believe that we get what we deserve, and what makes us deservant is the factor of a hard day's work. I want them to have a desire to work and buy/do for themselves. Because nothing in this world is guaranteed. We should be able to trust in others, but that is also not a guarantee. However, we can trust in ourselves.

 

[bogwoppit]

The problem comes when people believe that because they put in a hard days work they deserve a flat screen tv when they cannot afford it or have negelected to take care of other bills first. Families are up to their eye balls in debt because they believe their kids should have everything that they did not. Not only do they ruin their overindulged kids, they ruin society.

Nobody deserves what they cannot afford. life isn't fair and it is good for kids to grow and learn that life is not a bowl of cherries, sometimes you have to wait and save, sometimes you have to accept that right now you cannot have what you cannot afford.

Putting family first, budgeting and having clear rules at home would be a great start to keeping kids sane and safe. when parents constantly indulge their childrens "wants' as opposed to "needs", they are creating tiny, greedy people incapable of standing on their own two feet.

JMO of course.