Parents Still not 'fitting in' ?

[OzZee]

The thing is with mean girls is the coach is unlikely to know the full situation.
I know with dd, they knew that the group was a bit cliquey but didn't realise the bullying that was going on. These girls aren't dumb and don't say the mean things/push kids out of line etc when the coaches are looking/listening. They pick their moments.
My dd had not told me anything, I knew about the clique - it had existed before she joined the group but the real bullying didn't start until when another girl joined and became one of the ringleaders. Because it was let slide for so long it just became worse and worse.
A couple of the girls were actually friends of my dd's outside gym, one coming to our house every week.
It was only after she said she didn't want to go back after Christmas because she wasn't happy that I spoke to another mum whose daughter had told her a few things about what they had said and I questioned her that I found out more. These girls would tell them they were rubbish, laugh at them when they were doing skills, make snide remarks, whisper and laugh at them, told one girl she was fat (who was not at all), push them out of line, tell them they weren't good enough to have a go, etc etc.

 

[my4buffaloes]

One thing I have told my kids is that if someone is being mean or they are generally having problems, then try to stick near an adult - a teacher, coach, etc. If they are near an adult the kids will leave them alone.

 

[bookworm]

Your child is being bullied...and you are paying for it...tell the coach it needs to be stopped, period.

 

[Gym Gab MP]

Play dates can really help. You might try inviting a teammate over to your house, where your daughter feels comfortable and you can monitor the situation to some extent.

It never hurts to shed a little light on your child's feeling with the coach either.

 

[Flipflopz]

This happened to dd. she was the youngest in her group. Parents were planning "exclusive" playdates and as the baby dd was left out. It ended when she asked to go train elsewhere and she did. It was the best thing we ever did. Those girls were still having the same issues 5 years later but we didn't have to deal with it.

 

[COz]

We had a school, not gym related bullying problem (Kindergarten).
Everything was fine if an adult was around, the girls played together and my DD was happy. Alone together (with an adult present) the girls were best of friends. As soon as there was enough cover, either distance from an adult or enough children that it couldn't be detected the bullying would start again.

Play dates would not have helped our situation. The teacher's solution was to pair them up for everything in class, which was fine IN class, but made things worse outside.

None of this was obvious enough that my DD realised that the child was actually being mean, things were always phrased as if it was a reward to be sent away from the others etc. and have all the others told not to play with her. The bully was a very intelligent and socially aware little girl.

The only solutions we could see were to either limit their interaction (which the school was not on board with) or to remove her from the situation.

 

[BlairBob]

What the heck is going on that the coach does not see this?

Then again I coach my kids with an iron fist. I've never seen any get this way and there would be hell to pay if they did. Burpees and wallsits and front leaning rest position till they cried.

Maybe I've just been lucky and not had to deal with girls like these. I've had a few boys who were little knucklebrains (2 used to gang up on one sensitive kid and hide his snack in the girls bathroom) but for the most part they all got along except that one time the bully got schooled by a scrawny kid who also trained wrestling ( I was finishing up another boy's group and the young female coaches didn't know what to do ).

 

[COz]

Yay scrawny kid

 

[Iwannabemargo]

Unfortunately many girls are like this.

P&F has 6 girls on her table at school (year 5, your 4th grade I think). 1 is lovely, her BFF, very loving and gentle girl, 1 is okay but always wants to be centre of attention, 1 is a teachers daughter and gets away with anything but is okay, 1 is a follower and one is a right .......um......... troublemaker !

The troublemaker A is always splitting the group, pitting one group against the other, making up stories and ostracising anyone who doesn't go along with her plans. P&F always fills me in with the days gossip, who has fallen out with who, "honestly mum, its like Silly Housewives" (for silly housewives read "real housewives of ...."). She stands up to this girl on a regular basis but she does wish everyone would just get along. I am very grateful to gymnastics for giving her the self-estime to stand up to this girl and her cronies, but I have always told the smalls that "we are wolves, not sheep" and to stand up for what they believe in.

 

[Midwestmommy]

Mean girls are masters at hiding their behavior from adults. Some of the worst offenders can appear to be model students at school, and are
sometimes even the "teachers pet." Sometimes adult intervention with a group can help around ages 8-12, to work with a group of girls on how to be respectful and to try to make nasty behavior the "uncool" behavior.

And attacking the problem with the group prospectively is key...."Young ladies, here are behaviors that are acceptable and here are some that are not." Dealing with problems after they happen stinks, and sometimes parents of the worst offenders give lots of excuses and think everything should be seen from every angle instead of just telling a kid they behaved poorly and giving them a consequence. I certainly heard stories about a kid at my daughter's school who could use some of those burpies and wallsits, unfortuately the parents were busy making excuses instead.

Here are a couple of interesting articles. I think every class and team including 8 to 12 year old girls should get a talk up front from the adult leading them about the difference between being a friend and being a frenemy (second half of first article), and that in this class/team/group, while not everyone is going to be friends, all are expected to treat every kid with respect and kindness. Try to set the bar that being a friend is good, being a frenemy is not.

http://bullying.about.com/od/Friendship/a/Is-Your-Child-S-Friend-A-Bully.htm

shttp://www.scholastic.com/parents/resources/article/social-emotional-skills/bullies-disguise