Anon Strong willed gymnast

[Anonymous (db91)]

My 9-year-old 6E son is a typical “strong willed child”. He has a strong need for autonomy and resists anything that he feels forced to do. He is incredibly competitive and hard working and he loves challenges but, if someone tells him he has to do something, he loses all his motivation.

About a year ago he started working with a very stern and authoritarian coach and he has struggled emotionally ever since. The Coach’s “I’m the boss and you do what I say” manner has sucked the joy out of gymnastics for my son. My son is obedient but it is tearing him up inside. He hates the way the coach talks to him and it makes him hate doing what the coach tells him to do even though it’s exactly what he wants to do!

This dynamic is starting to cause him to experience mental blocks. When he is nervous about a skill, the coach makes him do it over and over and my son gets more and more anxious and frustrated. My son sees the coach as the enemy and the skills as something cruel he is doing to him. Prior to working with this coach, and he loved working on new skills. But the old coach let my son set the pace. When my son sets the pace, he works like a fiend but the second you push him, his oppositional instinct kicks in and his progress slows.

When this coach first started at our gym last year, he pushed my son very hard and my son basically had a nervous breakdown and almost quit gymnastics. After I explained the issue, the coach made some adjustments and backed off on some of the pushing. Things seemed like they were getting better for a while but now it’s bad again. My son is starting to have a lot of anxiety about going to gym. We are not to panic attacks in the car level, but we are edging towards that. In a few weeks his best friend, and training partner since day one, is moving away and I expect things to go into crisis mode.

The coach is somewhat open to feedback. He’s invested in my child’s success (because my child is very successful and the coach is very ambitious) so that does give a me some influence. I’m confident that if I ask for a meeting with either him or him and the owner, I’ll get one.

Soooo…. Any advice for how to handle this? I have to talk with the coach and be diplomatic. We don’t have any other gym options, so we have to make this work.

 

[Anonymous (21a8)]

Honestly, this is not a tenable situation for your son and with no other gym options, I’d be inclined to find entirely new activities for my child. What you have right now is a huge mismatch with your strong willed child and an inflexible coach. If neither in the relationship are open to change then this will just continue and IMHO, the damage to your young son is simply too much to risk. If you choose to continue get some therapy for your son so that he has coping mechanisms and also to learn to be a little more flexible. You will also need to be ready to have the same conversation with the coach when the relationship is getting out of hand (and it will ebb and flow with the coach).

 

[Anonymous (d532)]

If you feel the coach is open, I'd suggest he and your son sit down and make a plan together. So, the coach would state what needs to be worked on and your son could give input on what does he need for it to work, ie. start in a lower-level drill or easier environment, be able to stop when the repetitions are too much and he's starting to overthink/get more anxious,...so that the end goal the coach wanted is reached, but your kid has a bit of control on how to get there.

 

[Anonymous (c9cd)]

If you feel the coach is open, I'd suggest he and your son sit down and make a plan together. So, the coach would state what needs to be worked on and your son could give input on what does he need for it to work, ie. start in a lower-level drill or easier environment, be able to stop when the repetitions are too much and he's starting to overthink/get more anxious,...so that the end goal the coach wanted is reached, but your kid has a bit of control on how to get there.

The child in question is only 6 years old. I am a teacher and studied a lot of developmental psychology for my job. The kid's brain and feelings can in nearly all cases not be developed enough to understand such a talk. He may cooperate but he will only do so to please the adults. 6 years is a very young kid. Find him a coach who understands at least the basics of pedagogy and developmental psychology cause this one obviously does not.

 

[Anonymous (db91)]

The child in question is only 6 years old. I am a teacher and studied a lot of developmental psychology for my job. The kid's brain and feelings can in nearly all cases not be developed enough to understand such a talk. He may cooperate but he will only do so to please the adults. 6 years is a very young kid. Find him a coach who understands at least the basics of pedagogy and developmental psychology cause this one obviously does not.

He’s 9-years-old and level 6 elite. He is unusually articulate for his age but he is very intimidated by his coach. We had a very productive conversation with the coach last year when we were in a similar situation and the coach did apologize to my son for not listening to him when he tried to tell him no. But my son gets absolutely frantic at the suggestion that we try to talk to the coach again.

 

[Anonymous (c9cd)]

He’s 9-years-old and level 6 elite. He is unusually articulate for his age but he is very intimidated by his coach. We had a very productive conversation with the coach last year when we were in a similar situation and the coach did apologize to my son for not listening to him when he tried to tell him no. But my son gets absolutely frantic at the suggestion that we try to talk to the coach again.

Got the age wrong, my bad. Sorry.

 

[Anonymous (21a8)]

He’s 9-years-old and level 6 elite. He is unusually articulate for his age but he is very intimidated by his coach. We had a very productive conversation with the coach last year when we were in a similar situation and the coach did apologize to my son for not listening to him when he tried to tell him no. But my son gets absolutely frantic at the suggestion that we try to talk to the coach again.

You will have to have these conversations with the coach with some frequency as the relationship between him and your son ebbs and flows. This is simply human nature playing out. The hope is that in time both in the relationship can be more mindful of the situation (the coach in realizing what your son needs to thrive and your son in realizing that the coach is trying to help him). Part of the problem is that by definition the coach is in a position of 'power' over your son. He is quite literally being paid to help progress your son in a sport that is both mentally and physically challenging. You are paying for this man to get your son to achieve the most he can in his sport. Your son is only 9 and is very much relying on YOU to be his advocate as he navigates this sport. Set up another meeting with the coach.

Fortunately it sounds like the coach is not a complete jerk, just that his style is not the best for your son. You have to work this from two angles - communicating to the coach how his words are received by your son and working with your son on accepting that the coach truly believes in him and wants him to be successful. Hopefully, in time, the two will find their groove. If not, this will not be a good fit for your son. Also, this assumes that the coach is not abusive (if he is, get out now).