Anon Toxic Coaching

[Anonymous (613d)]

I have an 11 yo daughter who I have recently noticed doesn’t have the same passion or excitement for gymnastics anymore. I remember her first year she would always be so happy going to practice and getting new skills. Lately, she barely has motivation to even go. I had a chat with her to see what was going on. She told me it wasn’t the sport, it was her coach.

The Xcel program at her gym went through major coaching changes. She loved her previous coaches but they have all left. She tells me this coach is always yelling at the kids and can get very moody. Many of the girls hate being coached by her. My daughter has had some awful words said to her this evening that I don’t think promotes a positive environment. She even explicitly states who is her favorite and who she doesn’t like.

I think she may be a toxic coach, but I can’t say much as I don’t see it myself. I’ve only heard from my daughter. Is this a toxic coach? Has anyone or any other parents had any experiences with a toxic coach? How did you handle it besides leaving (it’s too late for that now). My daughter is a beautiful gymnast and I would hate for a coach to ruin her passion.

 

[aisu20]

Why is it too late to leave? Are there any other decent gyms in your area? The behavior you described is definitely toxic. And if your daughter is miserable in the gym, it's not going to help anything by continuing to send her.

Since a lot of the girls are unhappy with this coach, you could also get a group of parents together to talk to the head coach about your concerns. Xcel is supposed to be the more “relaxed” option, so a coach who is always yelling and tells girls she doesn’t like them can’t be good for business.

 

[Anonymous (9f40)]

Sometimes its hard for girls to adjust to a new coach and their style of coaching. But, what you have mentioned, is not okay (seeming like they do not want to be there, call kids mean things).

If possible, would you be allowed to sit in for a practice (or part of it) in the waiting area to observe this coach?

 

[Anonymous (e2de)]

My DD's beam coach was like this. I struggled with whether she was truly a 'toxic coach' or just an incredibly crappy coach. None of the girls liked the coach but my kid appeared to be the only one who was really struggling with her. I chocked it up to it being more of a personality mis-match. My DD is a highly sensitive person and needs to know that she is respected by those around her...this coach was oblivious to that.

Since this coach was just the coach on one event, we made it work. I worked with my DD on 'letting it go' and provided reassurance that while the coach may be crappy, she really does want my DD to be successful. I had many a conversation with the coach on things she can do to better work with my kid. Several times I went to her with 'when you use these words' (and quoted exact words she said to the kids), 'my dd hears it as' (and quoted my DDs reaction). The coach was frustrated too and would try to make changes but because she was generally an ineffective coach, it was only a little helpful. I always felt bad that I was asking my DD to 'be the bigger person' in the relationship since she was just a kid. In life, we do have to deal with people we don't like and I always questioned where that line should be drawn with a coach who while maybe not toxic was clearly not a good match for your kid.

Well then the beam coach became head coach and this was a disaster...for my kid especially but also for the team. This happened during my DDs senior year and I didn't believe I had the option for her to change gyms. It's been 5 years and it's still my biggest regret with my DDs gymnastics journey that I didn't force a gym change --- even during her senior year. It's never too late.

 

[Anonymous (9545)]

If that coach is really saying that she has a favorite and does not like some of the kids, that is definitely toxic and extremely inappropriate. Would you accept that if it was your child's teacher? I would stay and watch the next practice and then talk to the gym owner. If the owner does not allow you to watch, maybe you need to talk to the owner first and tell them what your kid is saying and then watch. Or just leave the gym. Your child's mental well being is much more important.

I am assuming that you feel that you can't leave because meet season is just starting. You might be able to find a gym that would take her now but possibly not be able to compete the first couple meets if they've already registered.

 

[Dahlialover]

You have three options: leave, endure, or talk to the gym management.

I would suggest starting by figuring out if there are other programs within a reasonable driving distance that you feel might be a better fit. Do a trial and see if/when moving is an option.

If moving is an option but you want to give your gym an opportunity to fix the issue, you could request a meeting with your coach’s supervisor. In preparation for this meeting, ask your daughter to try to remember specific quotes from this coach and write them down. This meeting could result in an improvement or, more likely, the reaction will confirm that you should leave.

If you cannot move soon, you could reach out to the management but that could make your daughter’s situation worse. Enduring is an option but it really may not be worth it. Your child’s mental health is paramount.

 

[Anonymous (613d)]

Why is it too late to leave? Are there any other decent gyms in your area? The behavior you described is definitely toxic. And if your daughter is miserable in the gym, it's not going to help anything by continuing to send her.

Since a lot of the girls are unhappy with this coach, you could also get a group of parents together to talk to the head coach about your concerns. Xcel is supposed to be the more “relaxed” option, so a coach who is always yelling and tells girls she doesn’t like them can’t be good for business.

We have already signed the contract for this year, so we cannot leave this gym and go to another one until June. The problem is that this coach is HC’s sister. While I’ve heard HC is a bit more relaxed, I’m not sure how effective it would be. It doesn’t hurt to try and gather some of the other moms to talk about this.

 

[Anonymous (613d)]

Sometimes its hard for girls to adjust to a new coach and their style of coaching. But, what you have mentioned, is not okay (seeming like they do not want to be there, call kids mean things).

If possible, would you be allowed to sit in for a practice (or part of it) in the waiting area to observe this coach?

Unfortunately, the gym does not allow any of the DP or Xcel parents to sit down and watch.

 

[Anonymous (613d)]

My DD's beam coach was like this. I struggled with whether she was truly a 'toxic coach' or just an incredibly crappy coach. None of the girls liked the coach but my kid appeared to be the only one who was really struggling with her. I chocked it up to it being more of a personality mis-match. My DD is a highly sensitive person and needs to know that she is respected by those around her...this coach was oblivious to that.

Since this coach was just the coach on one event, we made it work. I worked with my DD on 'letting it go' and provided reassurance that while the coach may be crappy, she really does want my DD to be successful. I had many a conversation with the coach on things she can do to better work with my kid. Several times I went to her with 'when you use these words' (and quoted exact words she said to the kids), 'my dd hears it as' (and quoted my DDs reaction). The coach was frustrated too and would try to make changes but because she was generally an ineffective coach, it was only a little helpful. I always felt bad that I was asking my DD to 'be the bigger person' in the relationship since she was just a kid. In life, we do have to deal with people we don't like and I always questioned where that line should be drawn with a coach who while maybe not toxic was clearly not a good match for your kid.

Well then the beam coach became head coach and this was a disaster...for my kid especially but also for the team. This happened during my DDs senior year and I didn't believe I had the option for her to change gyms. It's been 5 years and it's still my biggest regret with my DDs gymnastics journey that I didn't force a gym change --- even during her senior year. It's never too late.

My DD is the same. She was sobbing in the car last night because her coach had said something awful to her in front of the entire gym. It really made me question if staying is worth it. I’ve approached this coach a few times last year but she took out my intervention on my kid. We cant leave and join another gym because of the contract we have signed, but we are definitely looking out for other gyms.

 

[Anonymous (613d)]

If that coach is really saying that she has a favorite and does not like some of the kids, that is definitely toxic and extremely inappropriate. Would you accept that if it was your child's teacher? I would stay and watch the next practice and then talk to the gym owner. If the owner does not allow you to watch, maybe you need to talk to the owner first and tell them what your kid is saying and then watch. Or just leave the gym. Your child's mental well being is much more important.

I am assuming that you feel that you can't leave because meet season is just starting. You might be able to find a gym that would take her now but possibly not be able to compete the first couple meets if they've already registered.

I will definitely try and reach out to HC as she seems more relaxed. DD really wishes she could leave but we already signed this contract in June.

 

[Anonymous (81a7)]

Talk to the other parents. See if they are hearing the same things from their gymnasts. If they have not heard anything yet, it may prompt the parents to have conversations with them. Then, if others report the same type of behavior from the coach, go to the head coach as a group of concerned parents. I understand that HC and coach are sisters, but it's bad for business to have a toxic coach ... especially in Xcel!

1. (For anyone) Isn't it against SafeSport Rules to not permit parents to observe practice?

2. (For OP) Just because you signed the team contract for the year doesn't mean you can't leave. Mental health is one of the most important things your DD has. If the coach is toxic, then the environment is not good for her mental health. You can get out of the "contract."
--> Check your team contract for THE GYM's RESPONSIBILITIES to the gymnasts. Most contracts (nowadays) mention something about mental health somewhere. If they are violating the terms of the contract, then they breached first. That invalidates the contract.
--> When talking to another gym about switching, you can explain that your daughter's mental and physical health are your highest priority in gymnastics. Heck, it may be worth it to get her into counseling now, while you work on the best solution for the situation.