Parents When is enough, enough?

[lilgymmie7]

I was reading all of the posts on the "elite spinoff" thread.
Someone had made a comment in passing about wanting to know "when is enough, enough?" It started me thinking..... Seriously... when IS enough enough? When do you stop and smell the roses? Accept that your DD or DS will NOT become that elite gymnast that you, as a parent, want them to become? Or maybe not even make it all the way to L10. C'mon... admit it, there are more than a few parents in the real world, on CB, on other forums, who have that elite dream, and put that dream in their kids' heads.

Not trying to stir the pot, just when did that "aha" moment hit you?

For me, my own DD started gymnastics at the ripe old age of 10. She started on team at 11 and has done well during her compulsory years. She's about a middle of the pack gymnast score wise, but I am constantly amazed that she has persevered through this sport after all the injuries, fears, etc, that she has fought through I am truly proud of her. When she was 10, I thought... WOW... maybe she COULD do something w/this sport!!! But as time went on and skills got harder, I could honestly see that she was good, but not super super great like some of the girls we'd see at meets... and I don't mean that negatively against her. I came to the realization that she would go as far as she could, but most i mportant she needed to have fun with the sport, learn her skills on her timetable, but MOST IMPORTANT for me was that she keep busy and fit. She is now in high school (hence, KEEP BUSY!!!), still doing gymnastics and also participates on her HS gymnastics team as well. So that's my story... anyone else?

I totally get what you are saying, and I do understand every word written. However, digging deeper, as I am always accustomed to, I have to STILL ask what is the underlinning reason for the post, personally? I too know there are many parents that have embedded their own wishes into the heads of their children. I have crossed paths with these people. Some have 'brain washed' their children in believing that the parents dreams are also their own individual dreams. Children are innately pleasing little beings. Those they want to please are most often their own parents, who ever they may be. I also believe that the key element a parent has that may be at the root of an unhealthy "elite dream" is 'control'. That key element makes so many people do some crazy things aside from imposing our dreams on our own. I use the pronoun 'our' very loosely!
My DD started gym very young at the age of about 2 y.o. From very young, she was able to do things that quickly caught the eye of many adults and children that also saw what she could do. She is now seven, and although her coaches are pacing her well (at least in my eyes), they do let her work towards her individual goals. Let me also add that SOMEHOW this is true with the 60+ team girls. How four coaches do this with so many girls is seriously beyond me. I am a teacher and have two separate classes of 26 children and tapping into individual strengths and weaknesses of 26 children has proven extremely difficult for me.
Anyways...I have heard very positive comments about my DD's skill as I have also heard some very petty, somewhat jealous-driven comments. All of this feedback tells me that DD 'may' just have some talent. I have heard many on CB chime that 'my DD is nothing special..." I can NOT do the same. My DD is EXTREMELY SPECIAL! She is special because of the heart-warming, intelligent, internally beautiful little girl she is and will no doubt always be. Gymnastics is what fulfills HER not me!
Do I have an 'elite dream'? If it is what she wants, than YES I will back her up. The factor of how she scores or how she places at meets will NEVER factor in. I think what is important is giving her ALL of the tools at every step in order for her to begin to learn what she has to do to make her dreams happen. As her mother and knowing I am not 'that higher being', I can never rightly take her dream away. She is smart enough to say 'enough is enough' for HERSELF. Yes, she is only seven, but I do strongly have faith that if I let her guide her own dreams she will find a way to remain on her path-whatever that may be.
DD did make a comment a week or so ago, "When I am an elite, I..." I have not sold my house to follow that dream. Will that time ever come? Maybe yes, maybe no...All factors have to fall into place before I or my husband say okay, "Let's do this!" At this time, we both acknowledge that DD is doing something that helps in giving her purpose. Gymnastics has definitely helped in creating a little person with such determination and gut instinct-pure know how- to do what she feels is right for her. That is my response. When is enough enough? I don't know THAT answer yet because in answering that question I may just be squashing my DD's soul. Children are driven by self-esteem. I can't run the risk of negatively impacting my child's soul.

Tumblequeen, I want you to know that I am in no way attacking you or your post. The enough is enough ideal, at least for me, is geared towards the posts that target 'elite' in anyway. I continue to think that unless the gymnast is coached by a parent, the parent has really no say so if their child will reach elite. I read John Geddert's blog/post that stated parents are instrumental in an elite's journey. But I read it to mean that their support is key not their 'meddleing' into what should be the coach's and child's relationship. If my DD has a real chance, I'm sure her coaches will approach me. I am not holding my breath. If that day comes, we will deal with it. If that day never comes, I will love her just the same.

 

[Deleted member D3987]

i hate the phrase self-esteem. it's over used and over played. just sayin...

 

[bogwoppit]

Lilgymmie7, please send me the links to the posts on CB where someone says your dd "is nothing special", that is simply not acceptable and warnings will be given.

 

[ThaBigCheese]

This is a pretty cool and interesting thread, so I'm going to add my part. I think that my little peanut will tell us when enough is enough. Honestly, we never envisioned her coming this far. We put all 3 of our girls in gymnastics at a young age to keep them active. The 2 older girls quit and moved onto other things, and Peanut stuck with it. Before we moved to TX, we thought that she would follow in her older sisters steps and move onto soccer. We've actually given her every opportunity to move to soccer, but to no avail. She lives for gymnastics, and she's 8. I don't give things like Olympics or Elite a 2nd thought, but it is funny how it is thrown around about DD because she has been "the star" of her team. I think their is some natural athletic ability that my DD possesses, because her sisters have it, I had it, my wife played sports, their brother played sports. I don't think she is a superior athlete, but maybe she is. The thing that actually bugs me is when others say it all comes easy to her. I do think some of it comes easy to her, but I also know she's the last one out of the gym at night and doesn't take days off just because. We give her the chance to stay home, but she never does. She's more dedicated to her sport, than I ever was to mine and I was pretty good. I'm so impressed with her work ethic and love for the sport that I'll do anything to keep her in it and happy. She was a Level 5 in 2010 from a small gym in TX and she competed against the big dogs of TX and won. Now we are moving to WA and I'm not sure how it is there, but we believe we've found a gym where she can continue to progress and have fun. For me it's all about seeing my little one enjoy herself, and when I look at her and I see that sparkle is less bright, we'll talk. One thing I don't like to do is talk about how good she's been, but when I see her compete, i can't help but think to myself, "man this little girl is "bad a**!"

Enough is when she says it's enough.

 

[lilgymmie7]

Lilgymmie7, please send me the links to the posts on CB where someone says your dd "is nothing special", that is simply not acceptable and warnings will be given.

Oh my goodness Bog, I am sorry if that is what you read. Nobody has ever said that about my DD. And to think, I reread my post three times to make corrections and to be sure that I posted what I really intended. I simply meant that I could never say my DD was not special because I don't consider her ability in gymnastics the entity that makes her special, but what does is the person she is. I apologize for the confusion!

 

[lilgymmie7]

i hate the phrase self-esteem. it's over used and over played. just sayin...

I hear ya' dunno! But coming from a Mom of a DS that is wired by self-esteem or the lack-of, I have to say that self-esteem is huge. I am grateful for many reasons to call myself his "Mom", but the factor that my struggles with him has helped to mold me makes me even prouder. DS is a 'HUGE' love, but when he struggles it usually is because he doubts himself so much. This is the root of self-esteem. I do believe many in society have lost site of this. Long are the days that people self-reflect or consider the emotions of others before they act. If we look around at society, it can be noted that many 'take' without much thoughts of the impact their actions make. We can see that in our youth in so many ways.

So yes, many may play the "self-esteem card". But that 'card' is very real especially with children. We need to be mindful of that. If some children, gymnasts, etc. are asked intially why they may be struggling at times, some may come back with "She/he doesn't like me." Where some of these children may just be fishing for an excuse, others have an honest preception that that is truth.

**Climbing off of my soap box!***

 

[Tumblequeensmom]

The reason for my post? The same as any others' posts here on CB.... Curiosity. So many have been posting about the elite dreams of their kids... so I flipped it around.... That is all. I know that there are many more here who do NOT have elite dreams for their kids and also know from my years on here, that many have dropped off into a black hole. Am assuming that they have either quit or for some other reason are no longer posting. So the question still remains... when is enough, enough. This sport is so easy in which to become over-involved.

 

[bogwoppit]

Oh my goodness Bog, I am sorry if that is what you read. Nobody has ever said that about my DD. And to think, I reread my post three times to make corrections and to be sure that I posted what I really intended. I simply meant that I could never say my DD was not special because I don't consider her ability in gymnastics the entity that makes her special, but what does is the person she is. I apologize for the confusion!

Phew, I went back and reread the post, I guess it can be read a few ways. Glad that it wasn't the way I first read it. Though banning people can be fun!

 

[Deleted member D3987]

Lilgymmie7, please send me the links to the posts on CB where someone says your dd "is nothing special", that is simply not acceptable and warnings will be given.

yeah...i never read or saw that. ?? ooops...never mind...

 

[Linsul]

I realized 'enough is enough' when my daughter spent more time in the locker room checking herself out in her newest leo than in the actual gym.

Edit: She just told me that's not fair, she divided her time between the pro shop and the locker room mirror very equally. Stinker.

 

[maryRS]

Yes those new leos can be addictive lol

I realized 'enough is enough' when my daughter spent more time in the locker room checking herself out in her newest leo than in the actual gym.

Edit: She just told me that's not fair, she divided her time between the pro shop and the locker room mirror very equally. Stinker.

 

[exgymnastmomx3]

I realized 'enough is enough' when my daughter spent more time in the locker room checking herself out in her newest leo than in the actual gym.


I said "enough is enough" when my 14 year old had her 5th leg injury and spent more time in physical therapy than in the gym and we spent more money on Doctors than on meet fees or tuition! At 14 she truly doesn't know what is best for her long term health. I understand not interfering with their sport and the coach/athlete relationship, but to think that these young athletes should be in charge with no guidance is absurd to me. As their parents it is always up to us to weigh the positive vs the negative and guide them and ultimately make the decisions that will affect them for the rest of their lives.

 

[MaryA]

As their parents it is always up to us to weigh the positive vs the negative and guide them and ultimately make the decisions that will affect them for the rest of their lives.

I agree... especially as it applies to their education or their health.

 

[littlegirlsdream]

I certanily have no answer to this question I too have a comment on the whole self-esteem thing but that is another thread. I can only hope that when the time comes, either myself or my DD will be able to recognize when enough is enough. Until that time, she will continue to do what she loves the most (at this moment anyway ).

 

[gymmom14]

*When dd no longer has fun or enjoys going to the gym
*If it interferes with school
*If injury becomes an overwhelming issue
*If it becomes a financial hardship for a family to afford gym
*If they hit their teenage years, progess stops, skills are lost, and they go backwards

 

[MaryA]

*When dd no longer has fun or enjoys going to the gym
*If it interferes with school
*If injury becomes an overwhelming issue
*If it becomes a financial hardship for a family to afford gym
*If they hit their teenage years, progess stops, skills are lost, and they go backwards

I agree, except I would say #5 would only be a deal-breaker for me if it caused #1, or was caused by #2 or #3, or if it was in conjunction with #4.

 

[kimskids]

I will say I have not elite or high aspirations for my daughter. She is 9 and just started level 5 and is a really beautiful little gymnast to watch. I really enjoy spending time watching her because she just makes it all look easy! LOL! I was totally new to the whole gymnastics world and still have a ton to learn but I am just enjoying it while I can. It is an easy sport to get caught up in as I know I never thought I would spend the money on a sport that I have on gymnastics! Fortunately I am able to afford it and as long as I can I am just so happy that she has a sport that she truly loves. I think enough will be when she loses her passion. She has had ankle problems even before starting gymnastics having broken the same ankle several times. She just missed a few weeks practice due to rolling that same ankle at the gym and then hurt her knee a week after going back. She is getting a little discouraged because (obviously) she does not like hurting herself. I hope it is not injury that makes it "enough" for her. No matter how long she sticks with gymnastics it has been great for her and I am so glad she did it.

 

[sportyspice]

What a great question? Fortunately I just drive the car and write the checks, so it was more a question for my DS to answer for himself. His body showed the first signs, it was a lack of motivation/fear that froze his muscles, basically forcing him to question what he was doing it all for? He was also competing against teenage boys 3 or 4 years older than himself and not finding his place on the dias anymore......I don't know how much of that played a part. He had just turned 13 and training Level 7 and tired of battling fear issues every training.

It was really catastrophic for him to come to the realisation that he didn't want to do gymnastics anymore - he couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, got feverish and really teary - questions like "who am I if I am not a gymnast" and lots of searching for self identity. His coach was in absolute denial that he would give up and was angry with him so I made the decision to take him out of training before the end of his transition period (1 month) in case things got nasty.

DS is now happy and healthy and loving his new sport.

 

[bogwoppit]

Sporty, you made an interesting point. Sometimes coaches have a really hard time letting go too. Glad you were able to extracate your DS with him as intact as possible and that he has found a new passion.

My youngest DD just tried out for cheer and made the team, she mentally finished with gym in Feb and hasn't really looked back. SO now I will be a cheer mom. Yay me!

 

[UnoMas]

My youngest DD just tried out for cheer and made the team, she mentally finished with gym in Feb and hasn't really looked back. SO now I will be a cheer mom. Yay me!

Oh no! Now, do you have to start over and go back through the phases of the cheer mom too?