Parents why are some kids so rude

[3gymgirlsmom]

My dd is pretty much the only one that did not move up and (we expected this since she had been sick a lot and did not compete much last year ) and while she was on the same level 2 of these girls acted like her best friend and now they won't even talk to her or even say hi since they are a higher level , the others that were with her before still say hi and chat when they can but these 2 and 1 of them was pretty close to being a best friend now won't even look at her since she is not as good as them. Kids are so cruel. I just keep telling her they dont matter and focus on the ones that are your friends , they obviously are not.

 

[Gymsy4]

I'm sorry your daughter is going through this. Such a hard thing to tough out. I really hope it gets better soon.

 

[gymnastmom05]

What I'm about to say is absolutely not meant to be taken that your DD is doing this but this has been our very recent experience:

A girl at my DD's gym has a history of repeating levels. Clearly she loves to go to gym because I believe she's repeated every level since Level 3 and she's still there (repeating 6 this coming season). Her mom mentioned to me once that her DD's friends don't talk to her after they move ahead of her. I was so mad that kids could be so mean, especially if they're friends! Fast forward to this past season, other girl moves to 6 (my DD was a 7 at that point) and is in the 6/7 training group. We've found it wasn't the other girls being mean to her, it's this girl! She makes catty comments, calls them names, laughs when another girl is struggling and downplays when other girls accomplish something. She's very sneaky about it so she doesn't get caught by adults. It continues outside of gym. The text thread all the girls were on became so hostile. My DD has finally just stopped acknowledging this girl exists. They're now in different training groups so my DD doesn't have to deal with her as much at this point. I have definitely thought back to the conversation a few years ago and have realized this girl isn't the victim, she's the reason why people stop being her friend! With your situation, I would just make sure you ask your daughter to reflect back on how she takes it when her friends make new skills, etc. She might be the best teammate ever, or maybe she's said some things that have made the other girls feel bad? Just throwing it out there. Sometimes we all don't react well in the moment. I'm just one of those people that likes to look at both sides to rule out a combination of things.

 

[Madden3]

Best title for a thread ever. Why indeed. I find myself asking this a lot!

I would suggest it may not be entirely about moving up v. not moving up. When my son was teased at gym, he was teased about being a Harry Potter fan, being homeschooled, not having a cell phone, I cannot remember what all- anything would do. He was teased both by kids who were better gymnasts and not as good as he was. There is usually one or two ringleaders and the rest are just sheep, desperate to avoid becoming targets themselves. My son was never rude or cruel to anyone, he makes friends easily and is socially adept, not awkward. We think the reason my son was targeted in the first place was because one kid with social power and a history of entertaining himself by teasing other kids resented my son because the coach put my son in a position of responsibility this kid thought he should be his.

It drove me crazy because everything about bullying says "tell an adult." Well, he did. He told us. We told the coach. The coach took it seriously. We took it seriously. It continued. Because there are no effective guidelines for what exactly to do for the adults who the kid tells!

The only thing that helped is I taught my kid about teasing and bullying and helped him understand that when he reacted, that gave the person who was teasing exactly what they wanted. He would not cry or anything, but he would tell the other kids to stop. He would look upset. He had to learn to ignore the comments, but with a smile, like it did not bother him, rather than a hang dog expression. We also taught him about keeping perspective. Eventually things got better. But it totally sucks, and of course can be very hurtful to the child. So it is smart to keep an eye on it and for how this is affecting your daughter.

 

[Aussie_coach]

Madden3, it is very interesting to hear your response. The advice is often, tell and adult, when there is teasing and bullying. But that is not always the best advice.

Kids that bully and kids that are bullied are going through a learning experience. Kids that bully often do so because they have discovered that they can have power over someone, they are experimenting with using words to control,others, they are learning what sort of power they can wield in social contexts. They are driven to learn these life skills in an innapropriate way, but they are essential adult life skills.

The victim is also needing to learn certain life skills, now to react, how not to react and what effect these reactions have on the bully. How to stand up for oneself without committing a criminal act themselves (in the work place they can't just punch the person giving them a hard time), how to choose not allow other people's negative words to penetrate you.

The most powerful way we as adults can help prevent bullying is to give the victim skills and power to stop them becoming a target.

 

[2G1B]

Hmm... I'm not totally on board with that the best thing that we can do is give the victims the skills to stop being a target. How about instead we start calling the bullies out on THEIR behavior and tell them to knock it off? Instead of downplaying the victim's feelings and telling them that they need to be tougher or not give a reaction we should focus on what the bully/aggressor is doing and work on THEIR behavior. I'm seeing that in most instances some adults at least suspect that the bully is not being nice.

I'm a little touchy on this right now, I realize. I'm dealing with this kind of stuff for my DD and her school. I do coach her at home to not give reactions and to ignore the mean kids; but I really wish that a teacher would step in and tell the mean kids to stop being little jerks.

 

[triplethreat+1]

Hmm... I'm not totally on board with that the best thing that we can do is give the victims the skills to stop being a target. How about instead we start calling the bullies out on THEIR behavior and tell them to knock it off? Instead of downplaying the victim's feelings and telling them that they need to be tougher or not give a reaction we should focus on what the bully/aggressor is doing and work on THEIR behavior. I'm seeing that in most instances some adults at least suspect that the bully is not being nice.

I'm a little touchy on this right now, I realize. I'm dealing with this kind of stuff for my DD and her school. I do coach her at home to not give reactions and to ignore the mean kids; but I really wish that a teacher would step in and tell the mean kids to stop being little jerks.

I know what your saying, and I agree, BUT- it's not an either/or question. We should be doing both, as well as talking to the bystanders/followers.
I do think though, that it may actually be more effective to help the victim. For one, do you really think a bully is going to stop because an adult said so? They are more likely to just get better at hiding it. I can think of at least two girls of my DDs aquaintance that I suspect of being mean girls (or at the least Queen Bees), and even though I've spent time with both of them with peer groups I've never been able point to a specific example/instance. Plus it's difficult for just one adult to control- parents and teachers/coaches have to be fully on board and invested, which is often not the case.

 

[2G1B]

I do think that it could help if they start getting publicly called out for the behavior. Often, these mean kids are also teacher/coaches favorites, at least in my experience. My DD used to be at a gym where there was a girl who was CLEARLY the head coach's favorite. This girl got away with what ever she wanted, kicking girls off of beams, cutting in lines, cutting others off as they were starting vaults, you name it. She also wasn't very nice in how she spoke to the girls. Then one day a new coach was hired to work with the group and this coach saw this girl for exactly what she was. One day my DD was starting her run for vault and this girl purposefully cut in front of my DD (who was already running down the vault run) and vaulted right in front of her (my DD nearly ran into the girl). The new coach laid into the girl, she was shocked to get called on her behavior. And at least when the new coach was around, her behavior improved. I think that for many of them they do it because they have figured out that they CAN. Yeah, there are others that are mean and also sneaky mean and don't do it where an adult might see; but for every one of those kids I see two who do it where if an adult were paying the slightest bit of attention they would see the issues and could get things under control. And especially with elementary aged kids, if they could get turned around at a younger age... maybe it would make a difference.

Because the other thing that is happening in our society is that the victims are getting punished if they do stand up for themselves. Instead it is, "learn to ignore it" or "don't give them the satisfaction of seeing that you care". It is never, "put them in their place". My middle school aged DD got in trouble recently because she stood up to the boy who harassed her all last year and apparently embarrassed him. Nothing was ever done for him messing with her all last year, the teachers told her to just ignore him. But she stands up to him and embarrasses him and now she is apparently a mean girl whose mom needs to be made aware of her actions.

For the OP, you are right to teach your DD that these girls are obviously not true friends. Sadly there are mean girls out there and the best thing that your DD can do is figure out how she is comfortable standing up for herself. Yeah, she needs to learn to handle how she reacts to things; but she also needs to be comfortable letting those girls know that she doesn't need people like that in her life and that they aren't worth her time. Not just ignore them.

 

[3gymgirlsmom]

she is not being bullied per say , they just ignore her now but just before they moved up they would (I was right there) be talking about meeting up right in front of her and even look at her and then move on so they knew they were excluding her. my dd was no where ready to move up as she was sick all last summer and before that and had just started getting better and competed 2 partial meets last season and the one before she had moved up last and competed 3 meets. She is excited about her "friends" moving up as that is the goal. She knows she is not ready , I would be changing gyms so fast if we could afford it and also pretty sure they would move her down and she has been through so much for a 9 yr old. I tried calling it out once and I got blamed and even told I was a bad parent for not sticking up for my kid. Its literally 2 girls who she thought was her close friends, the others are great and her best friend is with her now. so another reason to stay. she is not with them regularly but does see them frequently.

 

[Madden3]

One thing I wanted to mention to you after I posted before is BEWARE of social media. Probably best for a 9 year old to not be on social media at all, but if she is, I suggest, monitor carefully.

 

[Aussie_coach]

Hmm... I'm not totally on board with that the best thing that we can do is give the victims the skills to stop being a target. How about instead we start calling the bullies out on THEIR behavior and tell them to knock it off? Instead of downplaying the victim's feelings and telling them that they need to be tougher or not give a reaction we should focus on what the bully/aggressor is doing and work on THEIR behavior. I'm seeing that in most instances some adults at least suspect that the bully is not being nice.

I'm a little touchy on this right now, I realize. I'm dealing with this kind of stuff for my DD and her school. I do coach her at home to not give reactions and to ignore the mean kids; but I really wish that a teacher would step in and tell the mean kids to stop being little jerks.

I definitely didn’t mean to imply that a victims feelings should be downplayed. Understanding your own feelings is also an incredibly important life skill, which we need to help our children develop.

The secret is not nessearily even not to give a reaction, but to react in a way which can deflate, rather than escalate the situation. I am not talking about victim blaming, I am talking about victim empowering.

 

[rosiekat]

Any chance the girls who moved up just feel kind of awkward that they moved and your DD didn't? I had that kind of thing happen a couple of times when I was younger - where I moved up and someone else didn't - and my social skills weren't the best so I ended up pretending the other kid didn't exist. It wasn't out of meanness, it was social stupidity, lol, but it probably came across as simply mean.

 

[GymDadWA]

What is her interaction with the kids she is currently training with? Is your daughter able to form a relationship with them? Kids like a lot of adults, just go through phases in relationships and while a best friend for life sounds amazing you can't always stay best friends.

My daughter has had a new "gym best friend" just about every year, she misses her old friends (most ended up moving to excel), when she sees them and they hug it out, but they don't try to get together anymore. The same kind of thing happened with her soccer, she does soccer just for an alternate activity but the girls that did it as their primary sport moved on to select and she stayed in rec. She had a best friend through soccer and they don't really talk anymore where at one point they were just about joined at the hip.

 

[CLgym]

I second the idea of connecting with new teammates at her level -- because honestly it doesn't sound like these old teammates turned out to be very good friends after all. As to the "why?" -- I have no idea but can report that (after two boys who did not see anywhere near the amount of drama) girls can be rough on each other and it starts early. My best advice is to use the "rude girls" behavior as an example on how NOT to act. Your daughter has proven she is brave and strong and a true role model. My guess is that she will move on and flourish this season. In the meantime, reach out to some of the new kids/parents and try to schedule a play date or two.

Most of all, I'm sorry that your daughter has to go through this....

 

[3gymgirlsmom]

She does have her TRUE bestie on the team , they have been best friends since they were 5 (now 9) and met because they were on the preteam together , and EVERYONE comments on how amazing they are together and how when 1 doesn't get a skill the other gets bummed and wants it so bad for them to get it , my dd moved up before her 2 years ago and they were so encouraging to Each other and Got excited and bummed etc when they moved. Also when my girl was sick she was the one by her side the most. also has another good friend on the new group. It just frustrates her that these 2 girls act like they are better and ignore and leave her out, (the one girl she even did dance with when she was 3 so they have known each other for quite a while ) The moms are quite rude as well , the one even basically made it so uncomfortable for me that I even dropped out of being on the board since she treated me like I had no clue about the sport (I have had kids on team for the last 11 years since dd's older sisters were on before her ) I just gave up and do not go in anymore since I know they talk behind our backs even. SO OVER IT, if I could afford a new gym I would plus this has been home for us like I said 11 years. and Im pretty sure she would be demoted a level at the other local gyms (we have a TON) and her little sister who is also on team will actually go in and work hard and wants to go. (probably harder on me i think than her but still she tells me it sucks and has wondered what she did wrong)

 

[gymisforeveryone]

Wait.. Isn't it your daughter who had the brain cancer? Sounds like she's going through a lot If those kids being rude were mine, I would want to know that they are behaving so badly. Maybe the parents could give them a little lesson about putting themselves in someone else's shoes. They should realize how lucky they are to be healthy doing gymnastics and progressing. But if the parents are jerks as well, then I don't know. I wonder how the parents have so little empathy. Right now the priority number one should be for ALL the team to celebrate her getting better and supporting her on her journey back to gymnastics. Who cares about anything else?

 

[Deleted member 18037]

The crux of the problem is there is a thought that if everyone just behaves nicely, kindly, choose your feel good verb, we can "fix" the bully. We can somehow eradicate bullying.

There will always be bullies and not nice people. Not everyone is going to like my kid or your kid. Not everyone is going to play nice in the "sandbox" of life.

So we need to teach our kids to deal with that. And yes part of that is to make sure the bully doesn't run a muck unchecked. But we need to teach our kids that what the mean kid thinks doesn't define them and how to deal with these kids and situations and move on.

And personally, I just don't think SM is something kids should have. It takes away their safe spaces. There is a reason most of these sites are supposed to be over 13. And JMO, it should be even older. Their brains are just not developed enough to deal. First they all need to learn to navigate relationships face to face before they deal with cyber relationships.

 

[3gymgirlsmom]

Wait.. Isn't it your daughter who had the brain cancer? Sounds like she's going through a lot If those kids being rude were mine, I would want to know that they are behaving so badly. Maybe the parents could give them a little lesson about putting themselves in someone else's shoes. They should realize how lucky they are to be healthy doing gymnastics and progressing. But if the parents are jerks as well, then I don't know. I wonder how the parents have so little empathy. Right now the priority number one should be for ALL the team to celebrate her getting better and supporting her on her journey back to gymnastics. Who cares about anything else?

yes she had brain cancer and she has finished active treatment still has a lot to battle , The parents are not horrible but def make me feel like its all my fault. we are so happy and excited about them moving up as this is the goal of this sport to keep improving, the girls are not bullying her but def not wanting to be friends with her anymore, someone said to me that maybe its because people think she is fully "cured" since active treatment is done, She has done so amazing even more than the average kid with Brain cancer , but really if her best friend and a few others were not there , she would be gone I think, also her sisters work at the place too .

 

[mommyof1]

Re. not wanting to be friends any more, part of this may just be the natural result of the girls’ no longer spending time together in the gym. My daughter spent several years with the same core group of girls at gym. They were very close and constantly texted each other when they were not at gym. Several of them went to the same school and hung out together there as well. Now some of them have moved to Xcel, and my daughter has noticed that those who left have stopped participating much in the group text. Once school starts it will be interesting to see whether they are still lunch buddies (although I am certain they will still be nice to each other). The ones who went to Xcel and the ones who stayed are now having different experiences, shared with different peer groups, so it’s just natural that they have drifted apart. The girls who stayed in JO are now forming bonds with new teammates who have joined their training group, and the girls who went to Xcel are presumably doing the same in their new group.

It is great that your daughter has a solid gym bestie to see her through all of the transitions. It isn’t nice of these girls to totally ignore your daughter, but sadly it does not sound all that surprising for girls at this age. Hopefully over time your daughter will become friends with the girls she now trains with, and that will insulate her against the lack of responsiveness from these two girls.