Parents How do you answer...

[duyetanh]

I have done the why do you ask in the past, but honestly, it usually (with the people I have dealt with) opened up a whole new window I didn't feel like dealing with. "Because that just can't be healthy for her, have you checked with a doctor in terms of what it is doing to her bone density?" (yes, I really did get that once! LOL). It really is none of their business.
With those nosiest humans where the why you ask caused issue, I decided to ask them something about their lives or their children's lives. And when they got annoyed, I said why are you being annoyed, I am just curious. You asked me a question, and I'll answer it. But I was just curious about xyz123. And then I give them the self-patented answer I mentioned (multiple times, damn internet) above.
Strange how these types don't want to justify/explain their own life choices but love to question yours.

 

[LGnyc]

I have done the why do you ask in the past, but honestly, it usually (with the people I have dealt with) opened up a whole new window I didn't feel like dealing with. "Because that just can't be healthy for her, have you checked with a doctor in terms of what it is doing to her bone density?" (yes, I really did get that once! LOL). It really is none of their business.
With those nosiest humans where the why you ask caused issue, I decided to ask them something about their lives or their children's lives. And when they got annoyed, I said why are you being annoyed, I am just curious. You asked me a question, and I'll answer it. But I was just curious about xyz123. And then I give them the self-patented answer I mentioned (multiple times, damn internet) above.
Strange how these types don't want to justify/explain their own life choices but love to question yours.

When it came up how many hours DD did, one person actually said, and this is a direct quote, "How do you feel about stunting her growth?" That I didn't dignify with an answer. But when my uncle or sister in law come after me about the hours or the injuries, I feel a bit more like a deer caught in headlights. Trapped, angry, befuddled that they would be so combative. And in my calmer, happier moments I give all the great reasons above. Bc honestly, my kid leads a VERY easy life. I could never throw the challenges at her like gymnastics does and I have watched her grow because of it. While I feel tortured about the sport, I LOVE what it has done for DD and her resiliency/maturation.

 

[e'smum]

I used to say "I hope she stays good enough to stay happy enough to keep her off the streets"

 

[CAKE]

I always ask them if they rather I let her become a couch potato tv viewer, pasty skinned gamer or internet junkie?

That gives them a little perspective and honestly, most people that say crap like that have one of the 3 types of kids I just mentioned which I dont think is any healthier than they think mine is

I do have one friend who told me that my daughters would blame me later for all the chronic pain they will have from the impact on their body. I just internally roll my eyes because Ive known her for 30 years and I know her youngest daughter eats a steady diet of velveeta shells and cheese and soda pop... so I dont really take her opinion too seriously.

Most people just say it because they feel guilty that their kid is doing jack diddly with their time but play minecraft and by negating your kids accomplishments they feel better about that.

 

[tucktwisttumble]

with a doctor in terms of what it is doing to her bone density?

I would ask them if they are aware that regular weight-bearing exercise actually IMPROVES bone density? - obviously this person was completely clueless.

How do you feel about stunting her growth?

Gymmies will grow (look at the NCAA gymnasts roster, I believe there is a thread on here about their heights). Delay puberty? MAYBE. But even then - puberty is starting significantly earlier in girls today, then it did 15/20 years ago. I would ask in return if she was aware that her childs diet may be expediting puberty? - Which is arguably more unhealthy then delaying it?

I do have one friend who told me that my daughters would blame me later for all the chronic pain they will have from the impact on their body

If the girls are training properly, and conditioning properly, and maintaining a strength to support their impact on their joints. They will be fine. Injuries/long term pain happen from lack of stability around an athletes joints - which can be prevented by conditioning (ties back to the bone density point too...)

Source: This is my area of study.

 

[BachFlyer]

Well first I had to learn never take negative comments or questions about my parenting choices to heart. I learned this when my oldest was a toddler and it is an attitude that has served me well.

I actually do not think such questions are usually coming from a place of legitimate concern. I just do not think people are that altruistic in such a case. I think that these comments come from parents who are looking for affirmation of their own (different) parenting choices- by looking down at yours- by getting you to admit life is awful with gym taking so much time or to admit you force your kid into the gym everyday because of your own thwarted dreams... or something. Or, sometimes, these kind of comments have come to me because a parent is legitimately wondering about getting their kid into some intensive activity and are wondering how I make it work.

So when I get these questions or comments, I usually just say "why do you ask?" and take it from there. If it is a statement and not a question, I might say "why do you say that?" When people say what sounds like something mean, I think it makes sense to ask them to explain themselves 1) so you do not jump to conclusions about their meaning/intent and 2) because if they are being prying, rude, mean etc., they will usually hoist themselves by their own petard when asked to elaborate.

I love all of this so much! Great way of handling a load of situations!

 

[LGnyc]

I feel that every time I post, I learn something new and rather awesome about this community. The responses above prove that. Bc they aren't defensive to the doubters, but rather smart and rational, and the answers display such a range of humor and coping mechanisms and empathy. Thank you for shoring me up. Now if only you could help me navigate my growing dread about her first meeting in three weeks.

 

[josie55]

So many great and helpful thoughts on this thread, but I want to add two slightly different points:

1) I agree with so much of the rationale above and use the narrative myself, but I have to say, some of why the question bothers me so much is because it raises some of my own doubts. If I'm really being honest with myself, while I agree that there is so much to be gained from this sport and 90% of the time I'm really happy my kid chose it, there's also that other 10% of the time when even I ask myself "what are we doing?" We all know that the cost is high, whether it be financial, family time, injury potential, etc. So to have others questions our choices, especially in the midst of a rough patch, can kind of mess with my head. Not always, but sometimes. Am I the only one?

2) I love the message about how we are all doing what's right for our own kid/family, but I can't help but noticing that I've read quite a few posts on Chalkbucket over time from people who are essentially doing the same thing as the friends/family of OP and others, but the bar is just in a different place. How many times do people post things saying "X hours at Y level is ridiculous." Or things like "unless your child is headed for the olympics, there's no reason to (fill in the blank -- miss school for gymnastics/shorten that family trip/practice while on vacation/practice on Thanksgiving etc. etc.) I imagine I've said it a time or two. Sure the numbers of X and Y will be different between Aunt Elma and a parent on this board, as will the specifics of a holiday schedule, but isn't it essentially the same thing? Passing judgment on someone else's choices based on what we believe to be "right"?

FWIW, I actually like reading the different perspectives on things like practicing while on vacation -- especially from more experienced gym parents and coaches -- so maybe it comes down to the spirit in which the advice is given, similar to what some are saying above about the intentions of the person asking?

 

[LGnyc]

I feel that every time I post, I learn something new and rather awesome about this community. The responses above prove that. Bc they aren't defensive to the doubters, but rather smart and rational, and the answers display such a range of humor and coping mechanisms and empathy. Thank you for shoring me up. Now if only you could help me navigate my growing dread about her first meeting in three weeks.

*meet. Boy, I wish it was a meeting. That would be so much less stressful.

 

[twocurlygirlz]

Well first I had to learn never take negative comments or questions about my parenting choices to heart. I learned this when my oldest was a toddler and it is an attitude that has served me well.

I actually do not think such questions are usually coming from a place of legitimate concern. I just do not think people are that altruistic in such a case. I think that these comments come from parents who are looking for affirmation of their own (different) parenting choices- by looking down at yours- by getting you to admit life is awful with gym taking so much time or to admit you force your kid into the gym everyday because of your own thwarted dreams... or something. Or, sometimes, these kind of comments have come to me because a parent is legitimately wondering about getting their kid into some intensive activity and are wondering how I make it work.

So when I get these questions or comments, I usually just say "why do you ask?" and take it from there. If it is a statement and not a question, I might say "why do you say that?" When people say what sounds like something mean, I think it makes sense to ask them to explain themselves 1) so you do not jump to conclusions about their meaning/intent and 2) because if they are being prying, rude, mean etc., they will usually hoist themselves by their own petard when asked to elaborate.

unique approach- I like it =)

 

[CAKE]

So many great and helpful thoughts on this thread, but I want to add two slightly different points:

1) I agree with so much of the rationale above and use the narrative myself, but I have to say, some of why the question bothers me so much is because it raises some of my own doubts. If I'm really being honest with myself, while I agree that there is so much to be gained from this sport and 90% of the time I'm really happy my kid chose it, there's also that other 10% of the time when even I ask myself "what are we doing?" We all know that the cost is high, whether it be financial, family time, injury potential, etc. So to have others questions our choices, especially in the midst of a rough patch, can kind of mess with my head. Not always, but sometimes. Am I the only one?

No. Ive been watching a girl limp around the gym for awhile now and every day I ask myself what Id do if it was my daughter. But then I remember that after the age of somewhere around 11-13 she becomes more herself than she is my daughter and if this is her passion, I want to teach her that she can chase her dreams to wherever they take her. It is HER choice on if she does this sport and my choice on if I have enough bandwidth to provide her with the resources she needs to do it.

Ill tell you this, I pray A LOT. I pray every time I see a child do things that are more dangerous than most grown adults ever do, even once in their life, over and over day in and day out.. But then I see the look on their faces when they accomplish that skill they were working on and it isnt a look they get any other time in their life.. sheer joy and accomplishment. Gymnastics brings a centering and structure to my kids' life that they just havent found anywhere else. So, I just hang on for the ride, hand over my wallet and watch them chase big dreams.

Ive been a person who dreamed big in life and accomplished things I was told I never would. In my girls passion for gymnastics I see a away to help them learn how to chase ALL their dreams.

That is why I stick around even though I HATE the hours, I HATE that I can no longer travel. I HATE that during the week we never eat dinner as a family. I HATE competition.. I hate the gym viewingroom.. lol... but

They love this sport and it makes them better people.

Competitive gymnastics is not what I would have chosen for them..it's better, because it is what they choose. It is my job to teach them balance and that there is more to life than Gymnastics but I really am thankful to have the sport to teach them hardwork, perseverance, confidence, their limits... and how to safely push beyond them.

 

[Madden3]

Here is the thing when people get actually nasty - where the only question you could ask is "What is your problem?" Of course it is not necessary and probably unwise to get into any kind of discussion with truly nasty people who have no filter. Where it gets hard of course is with family members you cannot (or do not want t0) avoid entirely. In those cases, if reasoned, mutually respectful communication has proven to not be possible, I have found the best course is to suggest we no longer bring up the contentious area for discussion.

What is so ridiculous is that the parent who IS somehow forcing their injured child to continue with something that is hurting them, or to continue with an activity they hate, - the parent obsessed with a certain level of "success" that must be met at cost of their child's health or happiness...that parent is never, ever going to listen when people call them on it. It is only the reasonable parents who put their kids' welfare first that worry about others' opinions about gym.

So, if someone else's opinion IS resonating, if you are having similar doubts, maybe that is an area to look at. Certainly we can and should learn from other parents, (isn't that the whole point of this forum) and in fact I regularly ask the opinions of parents I trust and respect. But I am not going to question myself because of something somebody once read about gymnastics* or feel the need to share an opinion formed by what they see at the Olympics every four years.

*Actually that reminds me of the time a friend sent me an article about the dangers of pit dust. I had to give them points for originality.

I think most of the time, people talk about college and Olympics as the "goal" (and it drives me crazy too) because they truly have no idea why else our kids would want to do what they are doing. And why should they?

 

[Madden3]

Meant to say "And why should they? I barely understand it."

 

[John]

I agree, I like this thread immensely. I have learned much.

I would like to add a few things.

I agree that this forum gets crazy sometimes and people try to force their opinions. I belive most everyone here id only trying to help others, but we are passionate so sometimes things escalate. I hope none of else let it bother us or become offended. We do what's right for our families. And remember it takes more courage to ask for opinions then to give your own opinion.

Also if you ever doubt your gymnasts loves this sport, break the rules and watch summer conditioning. As you watch you will realize that you could not force your gymnast to do attend this and participate for an entire summer. It's coming from inside them. I have actually does this as I had doubts and fears about switching to usag. I no longer have any doubt. When she is done she will inform me.

 

[Deleted member 18037]

my daughters would blame me later for ..........

My response to that is yeah well we can all blame our parents for something.

 

[Deleted member 18037]

2) I love the message about how we are all doing what's right for our own kid/family, but I can't help but noticing that I've read quite a few posts on Chalkbucket over time from people who are essentially doing the same thing as the friends/family of OP and others, but the bar is just in a different place. How many times do people post things saying "X hours at Y level is ridiculous." Or things like "unless your child is headed for the olympics, there's no reason to (fill in the blank -- miss school for gymnastics/shorten that family trip/practice while on vacation/practice on Thanksgiving etc. etc.) I imagine I've said it a time or two. Sure the numbers of X and Y will be different between Aunt Elma and a parent on this board, as will the specifics of a holiday schedule, but isn't it essentially the same thing? Passing judgment on someone else's choices based on what we believe to be "right"?

Regarding a forum/discussion group on the net. Can't stop opinions. Yep folks are passionate about things. And they are opinions. We take what we like and discard what we don't.

I find those passionate threads either give me cause to adjust my opinions or make me realize I'm pretty firm about my own. I don't think that is a bad thing.

And we aren't having the discussion in front of my kid. Totally different thing.

 

[l.c.o]

You have to just let it all roll off of you. Others will always gossip about others and criticize their choices. It's human nature, unfortunately. I've always just shrugged and said it's the thing she's passionate about, and that this sport in particular requires this number of hours for her to stay healthy and not get hurt.

For what it's worth, my DD is getting older. Now these parents are starting to have kids that are super active in their own activities (one that comes to mind is a mom with one kid in youth symphony orchestra + state band + regular band, plus a sport), and some of the once critical parents are now coming to me for advice on how we've been making it work for so long. And they now comment how great it is that my DD is learning to prioritize, yadda yadda. The irony, its great. I just smile and nod.

 

[bookworm]

I am really surprised that others would make such comments. It indicates societies obsession with specific outcomes. How is an activity any less valuable if it isn't going to lead to elite glory or a College scholarship?
.

These kind of conversations and remarks remind me of the comments we got when friends, family, whoever (!!), heard that , back in the day, we were taking our 1 and 2 yo kids to Disneyworld for vacation...people would comment, unsolicited of course, "well I wouldn't take my kids until they could remember it" ...to which I responded "so you won't do anything with your kids until they can remember it? How sad..." It was a great trip btw that WE remembered and enjoyed, despite the chatter...

So my point is, ignore the naysayers, and stay the course. You know your family best and aren't asking your pesky friends and relatives to parent your kid. A little non-judgmental support would be nice though

 

[Deleted member D3987]

We get a lot of sideways glances and even outright criticism for DD's gymnastics schedule - from friends and even family. We know she's not going elite or college, so they ask all the time, "what's the point?" Or, "Why doesn't she quit or you make her quit?"

And I answer, is it any different from other kids who do a ton of tennis but aren't going pro, or in the case of my nieces and nephews who do school and travel soccer, hockey, baseball, lacrosse, basketball - usually two or three teams PER SEASON?

This is where she wants to be, we can make it work, and I am choosing to support her the way they are all choosing to support their kids.

Thoughts?

ignore them.

 

[EGPtriumph]

So many great and helpful thoughts on this thread, but I want to add two slightly different points:

1) I agree with so much of the rationale above and use the narrative myself, but I have to say, some of why the question bothers me so much is because it raises some of my own doubts. If I'm really being honest with myself, while I agree that there is so much to be gained from this sport and 90% of the time I'm really happy my kid chose it, there's also that other 10% of the time when even I ask myself "what are we doing?" We all know that the cost is high, whether it be financial, family time, injury potential, etc. So to have others questions our choices, especially in the midst of a rough patch, can kind of mess with my head. Not always, but sometimes. Am I the only one?

2) I love the message about how we are all doing what's right for our own kid/family, but I can't help but noticing that I've read quite a few posts on Chalkbucket over time from people who are essentially doing the same thing as the friends/family of OP and others, but the bar is just in a different place. How many times do people post things saying "X hours at Y level is ridiculous." Or things like "unless your child is headed for the olympics, there's no reason to (fill in the blank -- miss school for gymnastics/shorten that family trip/practice while on vacation/practice on Thanksgiving etc. etc.) I imagine I've said it a time or two. Sure the numbers of X and Y will be different between Aunt Elma and a parent on this board, as will the specifics of a holiday schedule, but isn't it essentially the same thing? Passing judgment on someone else's choices based on what we believe to be "right"?

FWIW, I actually like reading the different perspectives on things like practicing while on vacation -- especially from more experienced gym parents and coaches -- so maybe it comes down to the spirit in which the advice is given, similar to what some are saying above about the intentions of the person asking?

You are not alone in your thinking and so perfectly stated in my opinion!