Parents “A Letter I’ll Never Send”

[OzZee]

Amazingly written and heartbreakingly sad.

 

[suebee]

I’m curious as to whether your dd identified the coach when she sent the letter to USAG? Even though you and she don’t know where he is because his gym closed, I assume USAG has some contact info for him since he is a professional member. Maybe his home address, or if not, at least an email or phone number.

If not, I must admit that I am very curious about whether USAG will contact your dd and ask her to identify him, and if so, what, if any, steps they will take.

 

[MILgymFAM]

I’m curious as to whether your dd identified the coach when she sent the letter to USAG? Even though you and she don’t know where he is because his gym closed, I assume USAG has some contact info for him since he is a professional member. Maybe his home address, or if not, at least an email or phone number.

If not, I must admit that I am very curious about whether USAG will contact your dd and ask her to identify him, and if so, what, if any, steps they will take.

She did not, and I wanted to leave her letter unchanged. My letter does identify him and list the name of his previous gym. I don’t see a point in sending her letter if it can’t help any future gymnasts. My daughter is currently torn. She has found out that he is still coaching in a different area and wants to send it, but a couple of girls from that old gym have been pretty rough with her on social media and she’s afraid that (1) it’ll get worse if he gets in trouble and (2) she’s worried that she’s wrong about him, that maybe only she pushed his buttons and he’s nice to other people. I’ve explained to her that she can block those girls on social media and she’ll likely never even see them again (since we’ve moved cross country) and that she isn’t wrong. She lived it, I’ve seen and heard it personally, and other girls have thanked her for talking about it. Honestly, we’ve never met a coach that knew him that didn’t think the same of him that we do.. his reputation preceded him, so *I* think it’s about time that someone speak up to usag.. but I won’t force my DD.

 

[tucktwisttumble]

She did not, and I wanted to leave her letter unchanged. My letter does identify him and list the name of his previous gym. I don’t see a point in sending her letter if it can’t help any future gymnasts. My daughter is currently torn. She has found out that he is still coaching in a different area and wants to send it, but a couple of girls from that old gym have been pretty rough with her on social media and she’s afraid that (1) it’ll get worse if he gets in trouble and (2) she’s worried that she’s wrong about him, that maybe only she pushed his buttons and he’s nice to other people. I’ve explained to her that she can block those girls on social media and she’ll likely never even see them again (since we’ve moved cross country) and that she isn’t wrong. She lived it, I’ve seen and heard it personally, and other girls have thanked her for talking about it. Honestly, we’ve never met a coach that knew him that didn’t think the same of him that we do.. his reputation preceded him, so *I* think it’s about time that someone speak up to usag.. but I won’t force my DD.

I can totally understand her thought-process. In all honesty as a young adult/teenager social media is THE MOST TOXIC environment. It is a breeding ground for making people insecure, and it is so easy to get caught up in it and feel as though the world will end if you do something to upset your "followers/friends".
I speak as someone who seriously struggled with this (social media) in university- and I had so much anxiety over it.
I know a stranger on the internet isn't exactly a 'trusted' or reliable source -but I personally want to promise your DD that it will get better. She will be stronger, and there are people who will stand beside her if she send the letter. I encourage her to.
Like I said, it feels like you can never escape the criticism on social media as a youngster, but as an adult looking she will be happy she did.

 

[Flyaway]

she’s afraid that (1) it’ll get worse if he gets in trouble and (2) she’s worried that she’s wrong about him, that maybe only she pushed his buttons and he’s nice to other people.

I imagine these are the exact same thoughts those 150+ young women had about Nassar. Hugs to your dd. It's a shame that our little girls (I know she's not little anymore, but she's YOUR little girl!) have to deal with adult situations. I believe wholeheartedly that the letter should be sent to Kerry Perry, but I understand her fears.

 

[LJL07]

Hugs to your daughter. That is a very well-written letter. Sadly this is something we can relate to all too well.

 

[duyetanh]

Man, idk.....the fact that the dude is coaching again??
.....i have to say, it would be a hard one not to override your daughter and send it to usag....for all those who love him, there has got to be another girl at the current gym who is being mentally abused....for me personally idk if i could handle the thought of that. I do get that everyone is different!!! But I just dont think I could let that go...the thought that this guy is still coaching really creeps me out.

 

[kmc]

I loved reading your daughter's letter. I felt that it empowered your daughter. Then, I saw your other posts with those on social media trying to tear her down. So, so sad. I hope she can stay strong and continue to believe in herself.

 

[MILgymFAM]

Man, idk.....the fact that the dude is coaching again??
.....i have to say, it would be a hard one not to override your daughter and send it to usag....for all those who love him, there has got to be another girl at the current gym who is being mentally abused....for me personally idk if i could handle the thought of that. I do get that everyone is different!!! But I just dont think I could let that go...the thought that this guy is still coaching really creeps me out.

I understand. She’s been having some anxiety issues lately and is seeing a psychiatrist for it, so I wouldn’t have overridden her at this point. It is all moot though because she decided to put the envelope in the mailbox last night.

 

[tucktwisttumble]

WAY TO GO!
So proud of her. It might get harder before it gets better. But she will be stronger for it. Kudos to her (L)

 

[duyetanh]

I understand. She’s been having some anxiety issues lately and is seeing a psychiatrist for it, so I wouldn’t have overridden her at this point. It is all moot though because she decided to put the envelope in the mailbox last night.

I am so glad! It will help her heal.

 

[BachFlyer]

WAY TO GO!
So proud of her. It might get harder before it gets better. But she will be stronger for it. Kudos to her (L)

I'll second this!! THANK YOU to your daughter for being brave enough to help alter the culture. Hugs to her and you.

 

[John]

Fist bump and hug her for me.

 

[LindyHopper]

So glad to hear that she mailed the letter. You have one (well, two, but I'm only talking about one of them ) really strong daughter. She may have some anxiety issues, but her mettle has been tested repeatedly, and with support from you has proven herself every time.

and all the while would say things like “he makes us feel bad about our gymnastics because he wants to help us”... I was sad for her then and I’m sadder for her now. She doesn’t even compete anymore because she was so solidly bound to him that once his gym disappeared she quit. It’s a shame.

Sounds like a very unhealthy relationship... like former teammate didn't love the sport, but worshipped the coach. There's something there that gives me the heebie jeebies.

 

[mariposa]

She is amazing. So proud of her!

 

[MILgymFAM]

I wanted to update that we received an email response from usag. They told me that we are required to make a safe sport report (mandatory reporting of emotional/verbal abuse is a requirement for continued membership), and they are required to do the same. So that’s what I’ve now done. I hope that nothing negative comes back to my daughter from this, but she was just happy that they read our letters and took her seriously.

 

[txgymfan]

That's good news! I'm glad they read it and you got a response. Let us know what happens going forward.

 

[Flyaway]

I too hope that no repercussions come back on your daughter (they shouldn't, that's for sure!) but I am very glad she took that brave step and I'm glad that it sounds like USAG is listening. Please keep us posted.

 

[mommyof1]

They told me that we are required to make a safe sport report (mandatory reporting of emotional/verbal abuse is a requirement for continued membership), and they are required to do the same.

Does this seem a little odd to anyone else--mandated reporting by the victim of abuse? Mandated reporting by adults within the program, of course. But a policy of revoking the membership of a minor child for not reporting that she herself was a victim? That just seems like another attempt to push responsibility onto the victims of abuse and a way to perpetuate the toxic culture that got us into this mess in the first place.

On a more general level, I have been disgusted by USAG's response to the whole issue (not this particular incident). I don't need any more superficial e-mails or magazine issues about how parents need to take responsibility for their children's safety. I am already doing that. I want to know exactly what USAG is doing and what my child's gym is doing to keep our children safe and effect the massive cultural change that this sport clearly needs. It is especially disheartening that even our gym, which as far as I can tell appears to be doing things the right way, refuses to say anything.

 

[BachFlyer]

Does this seem a little odd to anyone else--mandated reporting by the victim of abuse? Mandated reporting by adults within the program, of course. But a policy of revoking the membership of a minor child for not reporting that she herself was a victim? That just seems like another attempt to push responsibility onto the victims of abuse and a way to perpetuate the toxic culture that got us into this mess in the first place.

On a more general level, I have been disgusted by USAG's response to the whole issue (not this particular incident). I don't need any more superficial e-mails or magazine issues about how parents need to take responsibility for their children's safety. I am already doing that. I want to know exactly what USAG is doing and what my child's gym is doing to keep our children safe and effect the massive cultural change that this sport clearly needs. It is especially disheartening that even our gym, which as far as I can tell appears to be doing things the right way, refuses to say anything.

AGREED about the shiny glossy words from USAG. I want to see the changes in action. I also thought it a little weird that they mandated that she had to report. That doesn't make any sense. And if that is the case, when are we as parents and members going to be clearly educated about the new process??? Because I certainly haven't. So you can't hold me and my child accountable for something I'm not aware of (and that you haven't even fully implemented yet).