A kid with no self-esteem

[pihlajat]

Hi!

There is a 9-year-old girl in my team. She has done gymnastics for about 4 years and I have been her coach for about 2 years now. Her big sister (who is 11) is in the same team and her two other siblings are doing gymnastics as well.

Well, this kid has very poor self-esteem and it's a big issue to deal with for me as a coach and the other members of this group. These kids misses practices pretty often and their mother never tell me why beforehand. The kids sometimes just tell me afterwards that they didn't come because of X or Y. Actually their mother is never in touch with me.

This girl is not bad at all, she is pretty flexible and quite strong also and she COULD be a good gymnast, but there is so many worries and fears and troubles is her little head! Usually she tries something once and then if she can't do it she starts crying and sulking. I keep telling her that all I ask is that she does her best, nothing more. I want all the kids try and practice all the new things and I just can't let her sit there doing nothing and ask other kids to do those exercises. When I ask if it is because she is scared she says no. It's only because she thinks she's bad and she knows she can't do something so she doesn't bother to try. She also hates it when I give her corrections but on the other hand, when I praise her when she has done something (even a little thing like pointing toes) well she says me I'm lying her and she starts to tell me all the things she did wrong (like she bended her knees even if the toes were pointed).

I don't really know how to deal with this kid. She seems to like gymnastics and is sometimes very happy and smiles and goof of (for example if we play something) but then in one second she may turn her mind and start to behave like a three-year -old. I have tried everything, rewarding her and praising her and ignoring that unwanted behaviour but it really breaks my heart to see that she actually hates herself. I have had many conversations with her and I have told her she is a wonderful and talented little girl and that I never correct HER, I only correct what she is doing and I always think her best. Sometimes she remembers our conversations for a week and then it starts again. She has also stopped doing a routine during a meet if she has for example fallen of beam (not because she got hurt but because she get frustrated) and that's something I can't accept. I have told her she has to finish her routine no matter if she falls seven times. I have also told her I'm always proud of her if she just tries.

Her big sister is another problem. She doesn't like this sport anymore but she says her mother don't let her quit. Well, I hate to deal with it. She doesn't do anything at practices if she's not actually forced and I hate to force her to do something she really doesn't even like. She cheats all the time when we do conditioning and if I don't keep my eye on her all the time and make her go from station to station she just sits or play and disturb other children.

Do you have any advice? I have already sent some text messages to their mother during this season but she never answers me. I guess that the children are asked too much at home and their mother seems to be very demanding and sometimes at meets or camps she yells some corrections to her children.... Should I ask their mother to find other sport for these children? Sometimes I just think that gymnastics is not for them, but who knows if they acted like the same way in any other sport too! I would love to help them and make them feel cared and loved, but it's not easy when there is 12 other gymnasts in the group who also need attention and supervision.

Help me, please!

 

[lhmom]

Hearing that it's coming from both girls, I suspect this is about more than gymnastics (something maybe going on at home?). How about arranging a face to face meeting with you, the owner of the gym and the mom? I'm not clear how your gym is set up (if you are the head coach or if you have a head coach or owner), but it would be nice for you to have someone else there to back you up. If the mom refuses to meet with you, you may have to send a letter home stating that you cannot allow the girls to continue on the team because of concerns that you have. Good luck!

 

[pihlajat]

Thank you!

I'm pretty sure there is something going on at their home. I have heard that their mother has had some problems with her ex-husband's family etc but that may not be the only issue...

We don't have private gyms in here so we don't have a a gym owner either. Coaches are volunteers and gymnastics is not a very big sport here and it is very cheap for children. The kids don't have to go to tryouts to make it to the team so coaches can't choose the gymnast who are allowed to do competitive gymnastics. So I guess I can't say to their parents that they HAVE to leave the team. I can only recommend it. But I'm scared it would hurt those kids feelings if I told their mother that I think they should quit. That would give them a message that their coach doesn't believe in them

 

[Deleted member D3987]

sometimes you must cut your losses. now is that time.

 

[pihlajat]

Dunno, I'm sorry but I didn't get your "point", I mean that comment you left doesn't make sense to me... Did you use an idiom or something like that or why my ear doesn't get it? Anyway, could you please say it using other words? Even Google Translator didn't help me this time

 

[ARKGYMMOM]

I think what Dunno is trying to say that you should let them go somewhere else to do gymnastics because you are allowing these siblings to be a huge distraction to the other children that really want to be there. Even though it is hard to let go sometime you have to do things you dont really want to (cut your losses). It is sugessted that you do it sooner rather than later and let it drag on ( now is the time.).

I would have a tendency to agree. My daugher has a girl in her class that the same thing needs to happen to her. She is disruptive, rude to others and has not competed all season due to lack of skills. She has done level 4 twice with not much sucess and was moved to level 5 because our gym does not allow anyone to do the same level 3 years in a row.

I don't care about her lack of skill but the disruption in class is about to drive everyone crazy. You have to do something for your remaining gymnast.

 

[lhmom]

So I guess I can't say to their parents that they HAVE to leave the team. I can only recommend it. But I'm scared it would hurt those kids feelings if I told their mother that I think they should quit. That would give them a message that their coach doesn't believe in them

Well, at this point, it might be what the girls are trying to do. Their behavior (refusal to work, condition, etc) could be their way of trying to get out of gymnastics but they feel they can't confront their mom. If you can only recommend, you could say that based on what you see from their practicing, you are concerned about their safety on working the harder skills. You could talk to the mom about the younger girl's fears hindering her ability to progress and your concern that the older daughter could seriously get hurt if she is not fully committed to training. I think those are valid concerns and these girls might thank you for speaking up for them. You care for their safety and well-being-it's not like you plan to tell their mother that they are awful, right?

 

[Deleted member D3987]

I think what Dunno is trying to say that you should let them go somewhere else to do gymnastics because you are allowing these siblings to be a huge distraction to the other children that really want to be there. Even though it is hard to let go sometime you have to do things you dont really want to (cut your losses). It is sugessted that you do it sooner rather than later and let it drag on ( now is the time.).

I would have a tendency to agree. My daugher has a girl in her class that the same thing needs to happen to her. She is disruptive, rude to others and has not competed all season due to lack of skills. She has done level 4 twice with not much sucess and was moved to level 5 because our gym does not allow anyone to do the same level 3 years in a row.

I don't care about her lack of skill but the disruption in class is about to drive everyone crazy. You have to do something for your remaining gymnast.

that is what i meant. thank you ARKGYMMOM.

 

[BlairBob]

Put the little one in cheer and let the older one move on.

If you can't do this and they stress you out too much at the end of the day, I can recommend a lot of different alcoholic drinks.

Mojito, Margarita, glass of wine, scotch, or a nice ale.

 

[pihlajat]

Okay now I understood!Well, it's a meet day tomorrow and the younger girl is gonna participate. I think that some of her issues always get worse when the meets are coming. This young kid really WANTS to compete and is always excited but then she usually scores a bit low and get anxious. This little one seems to really like doing gymnastics and when she has good days she give mee her pictures and always want to sit nex to me during stretching and she says she love me etc. She is a bit unmature for a 9-year-old also. The older one is hitting pubertet and behaves that way: hatea being treated like a child, speaks constantly about boys and clothes and stuff... So her bahaviour may be so bad because of that also.If I'll have a change tomorrow I talk with the mom and recommend her a cheer team for the older girl... Actually I think that in the cheer team there is no 11 year olds, they are something like 13 or 14, but maybe they would take her because of her gymnastics backround. Dancing would be a one chance too.

 

[coachgeo]

Couple clues- Their; Abscent- in the same room Mom"- Something to search further..... is she also abscent AKA-not connected with the kids outside of the gym?

Reason I ask is these behaviors from both kids may well both be attention getting skills they have developed to force their mom (push her buttons) into paying attention to them. The skills are bleeding over into other areas of their life.

You might try a behavioral contract to teach them new behaviors. Could be a simple thing where you start to verbaly reward them not really for skills any more but for behavior..... "loved the way you applied my instructions Suzy"

ORRR a more formal- sit down with them w/out parent....... "do you want to be here or not!" If not I will help you find something to move over too. If you do..... here is the behaviors that we need for you to stay in this group in a way that does NOT slow down others from reaching their goals.... we are a TEAM and when you distract others from their goals then your being a "selfish member 'and not "Team member" Goals could be to do's and Not to do's with both positive and negative consequences. then meet with parent and tell them your plan and ask them to be an active part of it. (more on that below)

For example in my program I use a system similar to martial arts..... differnt color belts (I use a choker necklace, could be a manditory t-shirt orr??) Each color denote skill levels earned (are actually tested for) ..... tokens are handed out for success of specific skills and DRILLS. Could be point scores w/matching tokens if you want it to match gymnastic scoring format for consistency/understanding- just remind them they are their own competitor . For behavior issues w/certain kids You then add additional requirments to get a skill token...... positive attitude better that day or you dont get any skill tokens earned that day AKA must have BOTH skill and behavior to get token. Start with small improvemnts if you need. As they improve behaviors let kid know.. "ok" youve gotten better.... Im taking it up a notch" "will requre even better behavior in training that what your doing now.... to get your token" Start with simple SPECIFIC behaviors" (talking back orrr?)

Point over all is..... as a coach you will find often your job, especially at the lower levels is to teach kids "coachability skills" more then you are teaching them competitive skills.

KEEP RECORD- with this record you do three things... one give you a chance to talk to mom/dad/grandma??? tell them behaviors your shooting for and ask for her/them to back you up, encourage then to work same thing at home... possibly similar verbage-key words used by both of you to tell kid when they are on or off task behaviourally. Second goes along with one. You are now giving MOM/them a tool to teach better behaviors.... being a mom does NOT automatically mean they know how to be a good MOM! Three..... it gives you a recorded record to show..... XXXXXX behavior is weak and not improving..... this is a distraction to others on the team, slowing their progress which is unfair to them...... "I can no longer let your child train with the team due to this." "Here is some suggestions sign up w/ (class program & instructor) who I know will work the sport skills she needs AND these coachabilty "behavioral" skills she needs"

Ps- when a kid or parent argues that your being inconsistent and treating them/their child different than anyone everyone else your responce is....... "Actually no- Am being very consistent.... Am coaching each to " their specific strenghts and weaknesses" "every child is different and each one has their own different set strenght and needs"!


Just my educated .02

Coach George
4 BS Education- 1 is Special Education / teaching kids with behaviors that conflict with the educational process (Spec. Ed. Emotional Conflict)

 

[Aussie_coach]

I would take a different approach with the low self esteem girl. It seems you have tried all the usual things like using lots of praise and encouragement and finding things she can do well, letting her know that it is ok not to get it perfect and so on. This kid is having much deeper issue's. It is unlikely you will change these issue's unless you are working very closely with the family, which it sounds like the family is not doing.

I would see it is a discipline issue. If you give her a correction and she tells you, that you are lying then that is actually disrespect, if you feel she is giving up without even trying then that is a behavior problem too. You can't attack the emotional side it is too deep but you can do something about the behavior. The behavior can become a habit of wallowing in self pity, she probably also gets a lot of concern and attention for her "low self esteem" and people try hard to make her feel good about herself. Thus she continues with the low self esteem behavior.

You want to forget about trying to solve her life problems and start encouraging the behavior that you want to see and discouraging the behavior you don't want to see.

Be very specific in your praise, don't say things like "Good job" or "well done" this is too open and she can pick it apart saying why it wasn't good. Instead pick something very specific ie "you legs were nice and straight" (make sure they actually were). Then you are not trying to say the whole skill was wonderful but simply that one thing. If she comes back at you and says the things she did wrong. A simple statement like "I was talking about your legs not your XXX and they were good" and walk away. Don;t let her engage in an argument or start to wallow in self pity. Then you are not giving attention to the behavior.

If you tell her that her legs were straight and she says "no they weren't" then that is answering back, treat it as you would any answering back in the gym. Not acceptable. Don't feed the problem.

If she gives up after one try that is fine, as coaches we should not force a child to do a skill that they don't want to do. We should put everything we need to put in place to help them feel safe and comfortable and understand the skill and physically be able to do the skill. Once we have done this don't force the issue a simple "That's ok, you can keep doing cartwheels if you don't feel ready" and then immediately turn your attention to the kids who are doing the skill. She is used to having people try to "help" her when she doesn't feel comfortable. Take that away and let it be her choice.

I think you will see positive results. If she turns into a kid who then refuses to do anything then she will usually make the decision herself that gym is not for her. For her to continue this behavior she is getting something out of it, once she stops getting something out of it she will get bored and either decide to do the skills or decide to quit,

 

[Chocoholic]

I think Aussie Coach has given you great advice!