- Nov 18, 2018
- 9
- 44
This popped up as a meme in my FB “news” feed this weekend:
The Moment You Start Elevating Is The Moment Your Circle Gets Smaller.
It was posted by a mom whose sons are experiencing very good success in wrestling. This family is so invested in their sons’ successes that they have moved out of their home state, to a state known for its wrestling.
This wrestling mom then made a comment associated with the post, “....I would think the more you elevate the more people would want to naturally climb with you, but the meme seems to have more truth.” This would lead FB friends to assume people are no longer supporting her family in the numbers she would like and that the cause of the withdrawal of support would be the direct effect of her 3 sons’ achievements.
I have had many opportunities to witness the behavior of parents with very talented kids in both skating and gymnastics. Some parents of these talented athletes have a wide net of support from other parents, and some parents are alienated. It’s been my observation that the families who are alienated from team members have at least one family member, or more, that is lacking humility, leadership, and sportsmanship and promote their children at the expense of others.
In direct contrast, the parents who get along with everyone have a tendency not to even discuss their child in a way that would make anyone believe they realize their child has talent. Instead they practice autonomy from their child, and allow their child’s achievements to speak for themselves.
Last week I spent time with a very young skating mom whose beautiful daughter is coming up through my daughter’s competitive skating club. It was a “volunteer” situation and we were forced together for hours. She spent a good amount of our time together self promoting and bragging about her daughter. The mom is very young, and very proud, so as a parent whose daughter will be wrapping up her club skating next year, and confident where my daughter fits in, I humored her. Maybe I should have stopped her and put the bug in her ear that, not only is there a lot of talent in the world, but in the club as well, but I choose not to. I was actually getting a kick out of it, silently recalling the days when I shared the same excitement and daydreams as this young mom, but by hour four I was growing a bit weary and grateful to part ways with this woman.
Somewhere near the end of the conversation, she shared with me that she and her daughter had become victims of poor treatment by other moms and daughters in the club. They weren’t including her daughter in their carpools, or activities outside the club. There had been problems on social media. Same ‘ol story, different sport.
She then told me that she went to the coaches for help, in other words, she tattled. Their response to her was why I felt moved to write this. They used one word, Jealousy. They brushed off the exclusion of her daughter as catty moms taking out their jealous rages on this poor guilt-free mother and daughter. She was left with the impression that she is defenseless from the poor treatment by these other moms, and she just needs to accept her fate. That’s when I finally stepped in and told her exactly how I felt about coaches solving this age old problem by using the word Jealousy.
Coaches, I know the last thing you want included in your job description is “defender of the drama, and keeper of the peace.” But I think it’s important for you to know that when you tell a parent they are being treated poorly because of jealousy, you are removing all avenues for that parent to try to have a moment of self-reflection and awareness, and you are stripping them of empowerment. It stops them from trying to be conscious of the behavior that might be causing this alienation. Sure, there is jealousy associated with sport, but please give the benefit of the doubt to the parents who aren’t even there to defend themselves, or give their version of the truth, from the accusation of this ugly, personality flaw, because there is a very good chance it isn’t true. It could be they have just grown weary of your parent’s ego.
Is there any other way to resolve this kind of situation, or is regurgitating, “jealousy” just the easy way to end an uncomfortable situation that you’ve been placed in momentarily? Because let me tell you what happens next when this parent walks away from you, thinking that the world is jealous of their kid. They believe, even more now, that their kid is extra special, more than any other, and their ego has grown even bigger. The situation then escalates, causing the “offending” parents to withdraw even more. The friction in the waiting room of your team becomes more palpable and a great divide happens. Parents feel like they need to pick sides. In other words - using the word “jealousy” is not helping to get your athlete invited to the birthday parties; And it makes things terribly uncomfortable for us parents. There is a level of tension that lingers and never goes away, even with time.
Coaches, would a better response be: “Congratulations, you have a very talented athlete and we are thrilled she is here. She is part of a team of very talented athletes. Let your daughter prove where she fits in with her growth and achievements, because no one will be able to debate her success when she is standing on the podium. In the meantime, you have the responsibility of being a leader in humility and to continue to lift up all the girls, as much or more than you lift up your own, so that we can elevate this team to unimaginable heights. I’m counting on you to find a way to get along with those parents, but it won’t be by promoting your own child to them, let them know you believe in their child as much as your own.”
I know lives that have been negatively impacted because of this ugly word Jealousy. Let’s stop using it.
The Moment You Start Elevating Is The Moment Your Circle Gets Smaller.
It was posted by a mom whose sons are experiencing very good success in wrestling. This family is so invested in their sons’ successes that they have moved out of their home state, to a state known for its wrestling.
This wrestling mom then made a comment associated with the post, “....I would think the more you elevate the more people would want to naturally climb with you, but the meme seems to have more truth.” This would lead FB friends to assume people are no longer supporting her family in the numbers she would like and that the cause of the withdrawal of support would be the direct effect of her 3 sons’ achievements.
I have had many opportunities to witness the behavior of parents with very talented kids in both skating and gymnastics. Some parents of these talented athletes have a wide net of support from other parents, and some parents are alienated. It’s been my observation that the families who are alienated from team members have at least one family member, or more, that is lacking humility, leadership, and sportsmanship and promote their children at the expense of others.
In direct contrast, the parents who get along with everyone have a tendency not to even discuss their child in a way that would make anyone believe they realize their child has talent. Instead they practice autonomy from their child, and allow their child’s achievements to speak for themselves.
Last week I spent time with a very young skating mom whose beautiful daughter is coming up through my daughter’s competitive skating club. It was a “volunteer” situation and we were forced together for hours. She spent a good amount of our time together self promoting and bragging about her daughter. The mom is very young, and very proud, so as a parent whose daughter will be wrapping up her club skating next year, and confident where my daughter fits in, I humored her. Maybe I should have stopped her and put the bug in her ear that, not only is there a lot of talent in the world, but in the club as well, but I choose not to. I was actually getting a kick out of it, silently recalling the days when I shared the same excitement and daydreams as this young mom, but by hour four I was growing a bit weary and grateful to part ways with this woman.
Somewhere near the end of the conversation, she shared with me that she and her daughter had become victims of poor treatment by other moms and daughters in the club. They weren’t including her daughter in their carpools, or activities outside the club. There had been problems on social media. Same ‘ol story, different sport.
She then told me that she went to the coaches for help, in other words, she tattled. Their response to her was why I felt moved to write this. They used one word, Jealousy. They brushed off the exclusion of her daughter as catty moms taking out their jealous rages on this poor guilt-free mother and daughter. She was left with the impression that she is defenseless from the poor treatment by these other moms, and she just needs to accept her fate. That’s when I finally stepped in and told her exactly how I felt about coaches solving this age old problem by using the word Jealousy.
Coaches, I know the last thing you want included in your job description is “defender of the drama, and keeper of the peace.” But I think it’s important for you to know that when you tell a parent they are being treated poorly because of jealousy, you are removing all avenues for that parent to try to have a moment of self-reflection and awareness, and you are stripping them of empowerment. It stops them from trying to be conscious of the behavior that might be causing this alienation. Sure, there is jealousy associated with sport, but please give the benefit of the doubt to the parents who aren’t even there to defend themselves, or give their version of the truth, from the accusation of this ugly, personality flaw, because there is a very good chance it isn’t true. It could be they have just grown weary of your parent’s ego.
Is there any other way to resolve this kind of situation, or is regurgitating, “jealousy” just the easy way to end an uncomfortable situation that you’ve been placed in momentarily? Because let me tell you what happens next when this parent walks away from you, thinking that the world is jealous of their kid. They believe, even more now, that their kid is extra special, more than any other, and their ego has grown even bigger. The situation then escalates, causing the “offending” parents to withdraw even more. The friction in the waiting room of your team becomes more palpable and a great divide happens. Parents feel like they need to pick sides. In other words - using the word “jealousy” is not helping to get your athlete invited to the birthday parties; And it makes things terribly uncomfortable for us parents. There is a level of tension that lingers and never goes away, even with time.
Coaches, would a better response be: “Congratulations, you have a very talented athlete and we are thrilled she is here. She is part of a team of very talented athletes. Let your daughter prove where she fits in with her growth and achievements, because no one will be able to debate her success when she is standing on the podium. In the meantime, you have the responsibility of being a leader in humility and to continue to lift up all the girls, as much or more than you lift up your own, so that we can elevate this team to unimaginable heights. I’m counting on you to find a way to get along with those parents, but it won’t be by promoting your own child to them, let them know you believe in their child as much as your own.”
I know lives that have been negatively impacted because of this ugly word Jealousy. Let’s stop using it.
