Parents Advice- jealousy of parents

[Flippinpumpkin]

My daughter has been lucky enough to place on almost every event and place in the top 1-4 at states overall the last 3 years. I love all the girls on her team and they all have their own obstacles, goals, and journeys. My husband and I cheer on every single girl and are those parents that clap for every girl in every age group/level at awards.
This year, everything has come to a head with other parents that we have been cordial with on this journey. Jealousy has set in as other gymnasts (who typically have also placed all the time in years past) are beginning to struggle this year with new skills at meets and are not placing like they used to. My DD is placing still and one of the few. However, she has her own blocks and fears. She also doesn’t make it to every practice due to other commitments so we have private lessons to help build confidence just like everyone else. But because mine “doesn’t show it when it comes time to perform” my family is deemed to be making it all up. They don’t see the tears and the discussions about not doing an event or meet in the days/day leading up to “game time.”

We feel like we can’t be proud of our DD for all of her hard work. We can’t be happy for our gymnast placing because theirs didn’t. Our family never talks about a meet with other parents and never says anything more than “thank you” and congratulate their gymnasts on making their goals or if they scored well to recognize those achievements too. We then try to talk about any topic besides gymnastics so our family doesn’t come off as “prideful”.

One parent said that we are “only about the scores” when that is so far from the truth. She wants to be her best and if the scores reflect that, she shouldn’t be ashamed. She works through a lot of stuff- she is just very private about it. She’s now hearing a lot of this stuff being said about her and it is making her even more upset. Upset to the point where she just wants to go to the gym to work and doesn’t care much about the social aspect because she knows her friends and their parents are jealous. It makes us all very sad.

How do you convince other parents that the struggle is real even if they can’t see it? All they see is the result but not the blood sweat and tears behind it. But because you can physically see their gymnasts struggles in practice and meets, anytime you try to be supportive for those parents and kids it’s “not genuine”, when it really is!

I feel like a lot of friends for both my gymnast and my family are being lost. This sport is so hard that it’s nice to have that parent support but looks like we just have to be “all business” now.

Any advice? Would love to hear different perspectives from parents on both sides of the situation to gain insight. Our goal is always to remain humble.

 

[Deleted member 18037]

First, I have never talked about scores with folks including my kid. We focus on skills. Congratulations your floor was beautiful. Great BHS BHS.

Next- I stay away from most parents. Spend as little time as possible in the gym. And most of my conversations with parents are about things that are not gym, especially regarding my gym.

It’s also not a contest as to who struggles more either. Things I typically say. Thanks shes been working hard. Thanks she had a good day. They all work so hard.

 

[ReluctantGymMom]

My daughter has a teammate who struggles a lot with ongoing backwards fears but she freaking kills it at meets. She is an amazing competitor, and while we moved from the location she’s in, I’m very familiar with her struggle. To some parents though, it 100% comes across like ugh another 9.9 enough already - but that doesn’t matter, she works incredibly hard physically and mentally and she’s just better at competing than others, truthfully. I wish my daughter could compete like she practices, but alas it hasn’t worked out that way. Find people who will be happy for your kid and avoid the rest.

 

[Flippinpumpkin]

Thanks! Eye-opening points and advice

 

[NutterButter]

What age group and level?

 

[Carly]

Curious as to why you think that you need to convince other parents that your dd is struggling.

 

[Dahlialover]

Clearly, the other gymnastics parents don’t want to be your gymnastics support system. It’s none of their business what struggles your gymnast is experiencing. When you go about telling people your business, they think that they have a right to an opinion. You don’t want those opinions, so stop inviting them. Stick with non-gymnastics related conversation topics. Celebrate your child’s gymnastics accomplishments with relatives and non-gymnastics friends. Have all the pride in the world outside they gym and keep a low profile in the gym.

Hopefully the dynamics will improve as your daughter moves up levels.

 

[Tigtimes]

As a long time parent I can tell you that you will never change some parents and don’t waste your energy trying. In our 11 years I have seen jealously destroy friendships, parents and gymnasts, seen it implode a gym, ruin attitudes of the entire team.

My advice is focus on what you can control which is your attitude and your child’s. Teach her to be a humble winner and a gracious loser. Cheer all the teammates even when their parents glare at you behind your back. You don’t owe any parent an explanation of your child’s path or your choices. Stay out of the gym and away from the parent area. This is a tough sport and often sadly the parent side is equally as tough If not harder. You will find friends and support but there are often long stretches of feeling like a lone wolf.

 

[NutterButter]

Is your DD a compulsory gymnast? This sounds like a new-to-gymnastics kind of thing. My advice: shrug it off. Keep cheering on others and encouraging humility in your daughter. I'm not saying this is your DD, but for some kids, it does come easier and that's OK! In my experience, the most annoying families left the sport/gym and the remaining annoying ones just chilled out.

 

[Flippinpumpkin]

Curious as to why you think that you need to convince other parents that your dd is struggling.

Mainly because they have said she doesn’t struggle at all. She’s not a superstar or perfect, she struggles just like everyone else. But as others have said, who cares- they don’t need to know.

 

[AAAinNOLA]

How other people perceive you and your daughter is on THEM. Not you. Unfortunately, humans tends to create narratives that serve them. For example, if their daughter is struggling and consistently not hitting a skill, it becomes "we need more hours, we don't have enough coaches, she has a block, she hates when she starts on beam, the gym was cold, the meet was early, your daughter isn't actually struggling, etc." If you listen closely, narratives change.

The best advice I can give you is (A) your daughter will learn more by how you act (and react) than anything else (B) most adults are carrying a lot of their own childhood stories with them and cannot separate themselves from their kids. So they see their kid crying and then it triggers them because they remember how that felt to them. Instead of saying "this is her journey, and I am here to support. I do not need to absorb or take on her feelings."

It sounds like your daughter is a great competitor. That's fantastic! As her mom, you are there to cheer, support, high five and then leave. Other parents don't need to hear any explanation about her, her journey, your thoughts ... people will talk whether we want them to or not. Most adults are catty and have yet to learn that their kids are listening and taking it all in. In shocking news, the adults who are creating these narratives then end up with gymnasts who - wait for it - struggle!

The words we say out loud have power. Focus on the words you say in front of and to your daughter and that's it. "You got this, I love how hard you work, trust your training, I can see how focused you are, etc." The words you say become her inner narrative. The other parents quite frankly are irrelevant even though it is hurtful that they are jealous. As crazy as it sounds at times I wish my daughter and her coach were out there alone LOL - leave the noise and drama behind, please!

 

[jm_gymmom]

All I can say is I understand your daughter’s mental and emotional struggles and how they aren’t always so apparent. Mine is the same. Luckily *most* parents and my kids gym is nice and supportive. We just kind of distance ourselves from the ones who aren’t. But I was talking to a friend and teammate parent just this week about my daughter’s rough month, new anxiety and adhd diagnosis, as well as her learning disability and worries she would have to move from her current school, all the tears and stress of meets and second guessing her abilities. They were dumbfounded. These kids, especially the truly bright and brilliant ones, can do an amazing job putting on a brave face and hiding it all.

 

[Aspasia]

Some gymnastics parents can be really intense and overly invested in their kids' performance (which then extends to a weird fixation on other kids' performance). I tend to keep my distance. I'm literally only there to cheer on my kid, wave and smile, give her a thumbs up, etc. I'll shoot the breeze about life topics, but I'm not interested in comparisons or complaints about coaches or obsessing over my kid's performance. It's just not my style. And I 100% will not engage in convos about team drama (which this sounds like). Nope, nope, nope. I just moonwalk right outta there.

 

[CuriousCate]

How other people perceive you and your daughter is on THEM. Not you. Unfortunately, humans tends to create narratives that serve them. For example, if their daughter is struggling and consistently not hitting a skill, it becomes "we need more hours, we don't have enough coaches, she has a block, she hates when she starts on beam, the gym was cold, the meet was early, your daughter isn't actually struggling, etc." If you listen closely, narratives change.

In shocking news, the adults who are creating these narratives then end up with gymnasts who - wait for it - struggle!

This is all perfectly stated. I have never fully been able to put words to this experience, but @AAAinNOLA has done so brilliantly. It is likely that we are all guilty of this to some degree. We create narratives that serve us and sadly narratives that we believe somehow serve our kids when they are struggling. Watching our children struggle is hard and our parental instinct is to deflect the blame to an external source (cold, poor sleep, early meet, bad coach, etc), not realizing that this rarely serves any benefit to the child. I definitely did this when my ODD was struggling with blocks on her beam series and I think we actually got to a point where the narratives I was creating on her behalf made her feel like it was not within her own power to overcome them. I had built up the power that external forces could have over her to a degree where in her mind, those forces actually won and she left the sport.

However, she has her own blocks and fears. She also doesn’t make it to every practice due to other commitments so we have private lessons to help build confidence just like everyone else. But because mine “doesn’t show it when it comes time to perform” my family is deemed to be making it all up. They don’t see the tears and the discussions about not doing an event or meet in the days/day leading up to “game time.”

@pumpkin428 I would very gently with the friendliest intentions say to keep a close eye on the words you share with you DD. Albeit to a lesser degree, trying to make others understand her struggles is doing what @AAAinNOLA describes. Even if you never share your thoughts with other gym parents, if your DD hears you referring to her "struggles" at home, she may internalize that, even if you are only mentioning them to comment on how well she overcomes them.

Perhaps try and shift the paradigm in your thoughts and words to reflect your pride in her resiliency and work ethic. Instead of saying "well you have struggles too and you manage to get it done" (not implying that these have ever been your words!!). And if she brings up others commenting that she's only about scores or other such nastiness, let her know that it is completely fine to have goals to achieve certain scores if that motivates her in a positive way - with the reminder that those are personal goals and that others who also work very hard may not be able to achieve the same scores, her "bad" score just might be their goal score, so no need to make that they topic of conversation with her teammates.

I'll shoot the breeze about life topics, but I'm not interested in comparisons or complaints about coaches or obsessing over my kid's performance. It's just not my style. And I 100% will not engage in convos about team drama (which this sounds like). Nope, nope, nope. I just moonwalk right outta there.

I am definitely guilty of airing complaints about a coach here and there...more than I want to admit. And guilty of wanting to know the team and parent drama even if I never engage (I truly avoiding going inside, which is good since I don't know how to moonwalk and would probably get roped in!!). But the best thing COVID did for my relationship with my kids' sports is that it converted me to a drop-off/pick-up parent rather than a walk inside, stay for a while parent. It has done wonders for my ability to be a truly good sports parent and wonders for my kids development with regards to self-advocacy, independence, and ownership of their sport.

 

[AAAinNOLA]

This is all perfectly stated. I have never fully been able to put words to this experience, but @AAAinNOLA has done so brilliantly. It is likely that we are all guilty of this to some degree. We create narratives that serve us and sadly narratives that we believe somehow serve our kids when they are struggling. Watching our children struggle is hard and our parental instinct is to deflect the blame to an external source (cold, poor sleep, early meet, bad coach, etc), not realizing that this rarely serves any benefit to the child. I definitely did this when my ODD was struggling with blocks on her beam series and I think we actually got to a point where the narratives I was creating on her behalf made her feel like it was not within her own power to overcome them. I had built up the power that external forces could have over her to a degree where in her mind, those forces actually won and she left the sport.


@pumpkin428 I would very gently with the friendliest intentions say to keep a close eye on the words you share with you DD. Albeit to a lesser degree, trying to make others understand her struggles is doing what @AAAinNOLA describes. Even if you never share your thoughts with other gym parents, if your DD hears you referring to her "struggles" at home, she may internalize that, even if you are only mentioning them to comment on how well she overcomes them.

Perhaps try and shift the paradigm in your thoughts and words to reflect your pride in her resiliency and work ethic. Instead of saying "well you have struggles too and you manage to get it done" (not implying that these have ever been your words!!). And if she brings up others commenting that she's only about scores or other such nastiness, let her know that it is completely fine to have goals to achieve certain scores if that motivates her in a positive way - with the reminder that those are personal goals and that others who also work very hard may not be able to achieve the same scores, her "bad" score just might be their goal score, so no need to make that they topic of conversation with her teammates.


I am definitely guilty of airing complaints about a coach here and there...more than I want to admit. And guilty of wanting to know the team and parent drama even if I never engage (I truly avoiding going inside, which is good since I don't know how to moonwalk and would probably get roped in!!). But the best thing COVID did for my relationship with my kids' sports is that it converted me to a drop-off/pick-up parent rather than a walk inside, stay for a while parent. It has done wonders for my ability to be a truly good sports parent and wonders for my kids development with regards to self-advocacy, independence, and ownership of their sport.

Aw thank you!! Words have power and semantics matter. I think honestly sometimes we need some tunnel vision to get our kids through this sport!

 

[TGRI08]

Could be an issue with the gym but honestly, I would say it doesn't really matter until the upper levels and then, it won't matter at all. Let me explain... My daughter entered Team late and was pretty much an instant success. The skills came easy to her but she did put in the work and took it very serious. She was moved along very quickly, always scored well, etc., etc.. I'm not sure if people were jealous of her. I suppose I didn't care if they were and I didn't really invest much in what other people were doing at that time. She was there for herself and I was there for her. As she leveled up, the TRUE friendships become very apparent. When her teammate fell and hurt her elbow, even I cried for her because these are her true friends and like family. So, I could feel her pain. The girls don't compete against each other, no resentment, they care about each other and want each other to do well. Sure, they want to win but not at the expense of tearing anyone down. Every girl has her thing and every girl has her struggles. My daughter is a level 9 and this is a whole... new... world! Everyone struggles... injury, mental, skills, etc. No matter, there is a struggle somewhere and they work together to get through it... together. One falls and someone is there to pick her up. They understand each other, they genuinely love each other. The harder it gets, the closer they get but the coaches don't compare them which definitely helps. Anyways, my point is if she's just getting started then don't invest a lot of time in what other parents or people are thinking because it's probably not going to matter at all later down the road. You will know when it matters... but at that point you won't really have to "try". Even the parents that are still with you at that point will actually be with you in most cases. At least that has been my experience. I hope that makes sense lol

 

[bookworm]

To the OP....I would not even give those nay sayers the time of day. They're not worth your time and effort. Ignore them and don't even get into any gymnastics discussions with them.

 

[rlm's mom]

I would like to bet your DD will outlast theirs in the sport.

 

[Deleted member 29121]

My family and my DD are unfortunately going through a similar situation but much worse im afraid lol. We moved from another gym far away for better coaching. Her previous gym a well known gym known for producing many ncaa and elite gymnast in the past not of recent, had special groups and because my DD started in Excell bronze she didn't fit their narrative and was becoming much more skilled than their special girls. Fast forward to new gym it's a much smaller gym high level coaching DD loves it but when she got there she was raw because her previous gym the regular groups have bad coaching. Now that's she's getting reps she's taken off and the parents hate us because the head coach gives my DD all the attention and wants to take her HOPES she's 11 now hopefully by 12 or 13. Parents are pissed the coaches are even mad because they have built relationships with those parents and they complain to them about my kid moving fast she does 5 privates a week we only get 2 etc... my DD is 1000 percent focused and only wants gym for the rest of her life and wants to be elite badly she eats right takes vitamins does all the right things and their kids keep saying the coach is mean their body hurts etc.. the head coach says she has things that can't be coached and my family is extremely humble about it in the gym don't brag or anything . But now the other coaches are stating to always interrupt the head coach during our privates try to use all the bars sets for level 2s and 3s during our privates and they are mad because my DD came in gets the red carpet and moved to the special group with the 8 9 and level 10s. The coaches are trying hard to get the other girls they love their skills that my DD got while at the gym for 3 months they have been training for 2 years. I don't know what to do everyone hates us the head coach says my DD doesn't need friends they were jealous of another girl that's young and really talented in the gym as well but they are friends before the rise and after we are new to the gym they seem to hate new people the coaches and parents because it's a small gym. Don't know what to do the parents talk trash about my DD all day long inside and outside the gym.

 

[gymjunkie]

My daughter got a late start in gym because she had multiple life-threatening health challenges and surgeries as a baby/preschooler. Once she was healthy enough to do gym, she took off and bypassed all of her peers (did a single fall season of compulsories, followed by optionals in her first year). I had parents tell me to my face that my daughter had no idea what it was like to struggle, lol. I didn't bother arguing. It doesn't matter anyway. If your daughter is on the fast track, they will eventually be placed with similar kids and you may not have to hear their nonsense (or less of it anyway). At higher levels, there is always struggle even if it didn't appear there was any in the beginning. Parents are much more supportive of their child's teammates in L 9/10/E. They get a little less crazy at each level.