WAG Another abuse article

[EGPtriumph]

I went to observe at a gym once with a pretty reputable HC and was floored at how much the team resembled a brigade of little soldiers. Standing a certain way, responding a certain way, it was weird. The kids all seemed happy and to be having fun, and these are great coaches who really care about their athletes, but the way they created such a culture of submission felt to me like it could totally open the door to a new coach coming in and taking advantage. Or these athletes moving on to a new gym or a new sport and having this unwavering obedience used against them. I will admit that on some level it seemed nice, because man I would love to have all my kids listening at the same time, but is it worth it? I think you can absolutely expect your athletes to respect you as their coach and listen to your corrections while still remaining unique individuals with their own preferences and needs. I actually just told one of my kids who was having some fear issues that she could flat out say, "I don't want to do that right now" if we were doing something that caused her to get worked up (I also told her it wouldn't get her out of it forever, but that we would take a step back and work at a solution). But so much of gymnastics is learning skills that go far beyond the gym- dealing with fears and hard things, work ethic, self confidence, putting yourself out there in front of people, team work, the list goes on. And as coaches we have the opportunity to build them up and help cultivate those areas or majorly tear them down and set them back for years.

Coachmolly -Keep it up. Sounds like you're one of the good ones [emoji4]

 

[LJL07]

It took DD therapy, a new gym, and an entire year to start trusting coaches again after leaving a situation like this. She was called "stupid," and a "head case," to her face, made fun of behind her back, kicked out of practice, and made to climb the rope once until her hands bled. I feel ashamed I let her stay as long as I did. They were supposed to be "the best." Instead they broke a piece of her right in her heart and soul. I will never forgive them, or myself.

So many hugs to you and your daughter. You described just what our coach did to around 20 little girls who were around 9 years old. It's so hard when they are talented and performing well to keep a level head about what's happening. You are far from alone. I hope you can forgive yourself.

 

[mommyof1]

Yesterday I heard a radio interview with a teacher who described her keys to success:

1. Seeing each child as an individual human being.
2. Always being conscious of the potential impact of words and actions on students, including the fact that the same comment that builds one student up may tear another down.
3. Being a "warm demander"--in other words, maintaining a warm, caring demeanor while demanding the best from each student.

The phrase "warm demander" perfectly encapsulates the coaching style that I believe is most effective for all children. Perhaps USAG should invite this teacher to speak at a professional development course.

 

[kecks]

just wanted to add that this "warm yet very demanding" is the kind of education style german teachers are trained to use starting at kindergarten age. it works *very* well. there is lots of empirical research on this. see: http://www.parentingscience.com/parenting-styles.html it has to be possible to educate coaches about this?

 

[BachFlyer]

the way they created such a culture of submission felt to me like it could totally open the door to a new coach coming in and taking advantage. Or these athletes moving on to a new gym or a new sport and having this unwavering obedience used against them.

Even though the coaching situation is by and large ethical at our current gym, and a huge improvement over the toxicity of her old HC, this has always been my biggest fear. I'm afraid that my daughter has internalized a "compliance first" mentality. That she won't understand when and how to speak up and advocate for herself in other situations involving authority (or perceived authority) in the future when she is done with gymnastics, whether that situation is at school, at a job, or worse, in a personal relationship. I have always been vocal about my feelings on this topic so that my kids know where i stand and hopefully know I have their back if needed. I have consciously tried to offset this at home by fostering an ongoing conversation about boundaries and self-awareness, and that respect is a two-way street, and actively encouraging expression of emotions/opinions and even dissent. I tell my kids all of the time to call me out if I am wrong. I try to set an example by refusing to sweep things under the rug. But I still worry, because this obedience-training is SO insidious, so I cross my fingers and hope the comes out unscathed in the end. Like most of our kids, my dd loves what she does. My other dd is involved in a different sport, equally dangerous (which I point out because that has been used a "reason" by some coaches for why they have to be so controlling), and her coaches are completely the opposite - they welcome conversation, love that I am interested. They are exactly what someone just defined above, "warm demanders", and they actually know how to relax and have fun sometimes. That contrast has always helped to encourage me to trust my heart when it comes to the gym.

I would use the anonymous email to send it to: any coaches you have emails to and all the parents you have emails to (use BCC for all of the "to" people so none of them see who else you are sending it to).
You coule even get the email addresses of some of your state bigwigs and send it separately (same email address, also using BCC) to them and suggest maybe a state workshop on positive training techniques to prevent abusive behavior.

I think this is a great idea. Perhaps if a number of us do the same, then it will get the attention of those in charge.

 

[LGnyc]

I think this is a great idea. Perhaps if a number of us do the same, then it will get the attention of those in charge.[/QUOTE]

Is there a way to send a big group mail from an anon account to hundreds of gyms across the country? To get a movement going.

 

[John]

I went to observe at a gym once with a pretty reputable HC and was floored at how much the team resembled a brigade of little soldiers. Standing a certain way, responding a certain way, it was weird. The kids all seemed happy and to be having fun, and these are great coaches who really care about their athletes, but the way they created such a culture of submission felt to me like it could totally open the door to a new coach coming in and taking advantage. Or these athletes moving on to a new gym or a new sport and having this unwavering obedience used against them. I will admit that on some level it seemed nice, because man I would love to have all my kids listening at the same time, but is it worth it? I think you can absolutely expect your athletes to respect you as their coach and listen to your corrections while still remaining unique individuals with their own preferences and needs. I actually just told one of my kids who was having some fear issues that she could flat out say, "I don't want to do that right now" if we were doing something that caused her to get worked up (I also told her it wouldn't get her out of it forever, but that we would take a step back and work at a solution). But so much of gymnastics is learning skills that go far beyond the gym- dealing with fears and hard things, work ethic, self confidence, putting yourself out there in front of people, team work, the list goes on. And as coaches we have the opportunity to build them up and help cultivate those areas or majorly tear them down and set them back for years.

Where do you coach? Your outlook seems terrific. You must develop happy confident gymnasts.

 

[raenndrops]

I think this is a great idea. Perhaps if a number of us do the same, then it will get the attention of those in charge.

Is there a way to send a big group mail from an anon account to hundreds of gyms across the country? To get a movement going.[/QUOTE]
I don't know the limit on the number of BCC's you can do on one email… but you could always type it up, copy the message including the link, send it to several, then paste into a new message and send it to more and more.