Are they just words...

[lilgymmie7]

I found this today when I went searching for a video to post on my son's FB page. This is How Winners Are Made - Inspirational [HQ] - YouTube

Sometimes as parents, we try so hard to uplift our children to empower them to believe in themselves. I find that at times I fall short of my goal. My goal is to really make my DS BELIEVE in himself. This question is for coaches and judges.

What do you say to a child that lacks a tremendous amount of self-esteem? Sports is a stepping stone to life. I want all of my children to understand that with deep rooted passion, belief, and hard work anything can be accomplished.

Sometimes we do have to pull from deep within ourselves and muster that last bit of strength and in doing so we can accomplish any goal. It is easy to say, but very hard to teach to a child and in turn learn...

 

[cher062]

I posted a similar youtube video that had gymnastics but the same words as this one a few weeks ago.

 

[coachmolly]

I think, like all things, it's about striking a balance between self-esteem and reality. I know of too many cases where parents were a little too heavy handed with the self-esteem stuff and created very entitled monsters who truly believe the sun rises and sets on them. But I don't get the impression from most of the parents here, so I'm probably preaching to the choir in that regard. I also know of people who didn't have that kind of parenting who turned out the same way, so maybe it's more of a personality than parenting thing...
But in terms of developing a good self concept in children, especially those struggling, I think it's important for parents and coaches to clearly let them know what they are good at, both in gymnastics but also in other aspects of life. And I don't mean congratulating them when they win or learn a new skill, because while that's important, I don't think it's as influential in developing a positive self-concept as encouraging the more valuable skills- hard work, determination, good sportsmanship, lending a helping hand or sharing a kind word. Your child can't win everything or feel like every effort they make is their best, so in those situations it's about encouraging them to see the good- what went right (even if you really have to dig deep), what they learned, etc. Sometimes their exemplary qualities aren't in gymnastics or the areas they want them to be, but it's about teaching them that even if they aren't the most talented kid in the bunch, they have something to offer. It might not be skills or scores, but praise them for their passion, hard work, good attitude, perseverance, and ensure them that what they bring to the team matters. I think too often coaches and parents get wrapped up in that star child(ren) that they forget that a quality team is made up of the qualities all of the athletes bring to the table.
I'm not sure if I answered your question at all, but I think in reality you are probably doing a fine job of supporting and encouraging your children. And if they are lacking in self-esteem, just keep encouraging them and pointing out all of the great things that make them who they are!

 

[lilgymmie7]

I think, like all things, it's about striking a balance between self-esteem and reality. I know of too many cases where parents were a little too heavy handed with the self-esteem stuff and created very entitled monsters who truly believe the sun rises and sets on them. But I don't get the impression from most of the parents here, so I'm probably preaching to the choir in that regard. I also know of people who didn't have that kind of parenting who turned out the same way, so maybe it's more of a personality than parenting thing...
But in terms of developing a good self concept in children, especially those struggling, I think it's important for parents and coaches to clearly let them know what they are good at, both in gymnastics but also in other aspects of life. And I don't mean congratulating them when they win or learn a new skill, because while that's important, I don't think it's as influential in developing a positive self-concept as encouraging the more valuable skills- hard work, determination, good sportsmanship, lending a helping hand or sharing a kind word. Your child can't win everything or feel like every effort they make is their best, so in those situations it's about encouraging them to see the good- what went right (even if you really have to dig deep), what they learned, etc. Sometimes their exemplary qualities aren't in gymnastics or the areas they want them to be, but it's about teaching them that even if they aren't the most talented kid in the bunch, they have something to offer. It might not be skills or scores, but praise them for their passion, hard work, good attitude, perseverance, and ensure them that what they bring to the team matters. I think too often coaches and parents get wrapped up in that star child(ren) that they forget that a quality team is made up of the qualities all of the athletes bring to the table.
I'm not sure if I answered your question at all, but I think in reality you are probably doing a fine job of supporting and encouraging your children. And if they are lacking in self-esteem, just keep encouraging them and pointing out all of the great things that make them who they are!

Thank you Coach Molly! My DS was diagnosed with anxiety at 7 yo; he is now 13. He is primarily driven by his self-esteem. I know some may think that the self-esteem card is overplayed, but for some it is a real issue. We always try to boost him up and we do do it by pointing out that winning isn't everything. Learning to lose but still learn and in turn not giving up will always make him a winner at life. The art of perseverance is so hard to teach, but such a necessity. You certainly have answered my question and given me much to think about. Thank you!!

 

[Kiwi]

encouraging the more valuable skills- hard work, determination, good sportsmanship, lending a helping hand or sharing a kind word.

praise them for their passion, hard work, good attitude, perseverance, and ensure them that what they bring to the team matters.

Agree! Great post!

Since you asked the question of coaches, I will say, since I have recently become a rec coach, some of my favourite moments are when I see some of the less naturally talented kids trying really hard, especially the looks on their faces when they 'get' something for the first time or surprise themselves by doing something they thought they couldn't. These are rec kids, not competitive, but I guess the same principles apply. I hear quite a lot of kids say they can't do something, I always tell them they can and that I will help them. Even if they don't succeed at whatever it is, I always praise them for their effort. I am only a beginner coach, but I can see how much a few words can perk them up, especially those kids who I can see are struggling with low confidence.

You mention goals and accomplishment in your post, as if that is the main aim, but in my view the achievement of goals is a secondary thing. I believe the other qualities that Coach Molly mentions are more important. Self-esteem is about valuing yourself as you are - achieving goals can certainly increase self-confidence, but it is not at the root of true self-esteem. To me, self-esteem is about valuing yourself as a whole person, no matter what is happening, whereas self-confidence is about feeling capable of performing tasks and activities - they are two different things and people often confuse them. As a parent, I am always working on trying to boost these in my two DDs. I do believe words can help enormously.

 

[coachmolly]

Thank you Coach Molly! My DS was diagnosed with anxiety at 7 yo; he is now 13. He is primarily driven by his self-esteem. I know some may think that the self-esteem card is overplayed, but for some it is a real issue. We always try to boost him up and we do do it by pointing out that winning isn't everything. Learning to lose but still learn and in turn not giving up will always make him a winner at life. The art of perseverance is so hard to teach, but such a necessity. You certainly have answered my question and given me much to think about. Thank you!!

I was diagnosed with anxiety-related issues as a young child as well and know how deeply they impacted my self-esteem, so I certainly understand what you and your son are facing, and it's not easy. I think many times with anxiety, especially in children, comes the propensity to be very hard on oneself which can ultimately cause even more problems.

 

[lilgymmie7]

I was diagnosed with anxiety-related issues as a young child as well and know how deeply they impacted my self-esteem, so I certainly understand what you and your son are facing, and it's not easy. I think many times with anxiety, especially in children, comes the propensity to be very hard on oneself which can ultimately cause even more problems.

Thank you for your understanding! Your gymnasts are very lucky to have you in their corner. Your experiences must make you sensitive to those of all children. I could tell you are in tune by your original response. It is tough, but it is a task that as his mom I am up for. Hence why I seek out answers and help along the way. I feel fortunate to know others have been there and are willing to offer well thought out advice. Thank you so much!

 

[lilgymmie7]

Agree! Great post!Since you asked the question of coaches, I will say, since I have recently become a rec coach, some of my favourite moments are when I see some of the less naturally talented kids trying really hard, especially the looks on their faces when they 'get' something for the first time or surprise themselves by doing something they thought they couldn't. These are rec kids, not competitive, but I guess the same principles apply. I hear quite a lot of kids say they can't do something, I always tell them they can and that I will help them. Even if they don't succeed at whatever it is, I always praise them for their effort. I am only a beginner coach, but I can see how much a few words can perk them up, especially those kids who I can see are struggling with low confidence.You mention goals and accomplishment in your post, as if that is the main aim, but in my view the achievement of goals is a secondary thing. I believe the other qualities that Coach Molly mentions are more important. Self-esteem is about valuing yourself as you are - achieving goals can certainly increase self-confidence, but it is not at the root of true self-esteem. To me, self-esteem is about valuing yourself as a whole person, no matter what is happening, whereas self-confidence is about feeling capable of performing tasks and activities - they are two different things and people often confuse them. As a parent, I am always working on trying to boost these in my two DDs. I do believe words can help enormously.

Thank you for your post. By goals, I really meant my goals for him. I don't want him to beat himself up emotionally and cut himself down if he doesn't win or succeed in what he set out to do. I want him to take the fall/fail and see it as a new challenge. It is unfortunate that in todays world success is often measured by how many wins you have. He cried for a long time yesterday because he fell short of his goal of making our states wrestling team. When I tried to pin point all of the gains he has made he said while fighting back tears..." No one cares if you made it to state only if you placed." He couldn't see past his fail. He made it where others didn't. He luckily calmed down and resolved to work harder and then come back to the table to reassess. People have asked if I seek a reward for my two athletes, scholarship or elite athletes. I seek truly that my children view their gifts as just that gifts. That they learn all they can from life through their experiences, that they realize that all in life is won through hard work and dedication. No one owes us anything. If we wish to succeed in anything, we have to make it happen for ourselves. It is only we that know what we are capable of. Are these just words? To me, they are what ground me. Today, I got a ticket for speeding. I was speeding, rushing back to work. I could moan and groan....I chose to slow down and while it hurts me to pay the MAN $140.00, I know I will!

 

[Kiwi]

I don't want him to beat himself up emotionally and cut himself down if he doesn't win or succeed in what he set out to do.

My DD is the same, she is very hard on herself. I grew up having very low self-esteem and very little self-confidence, it is something I've had to work on all my life, so as a parent I am very conscious of trying to help my children to grow up feeling better about themselves than I did. I like to redefine success to my own definition, focussing more on internal success, rather than external success, and to let go of other people's definition of success (such as placing at state). Then the 'wins' and achievement of goals become the icing on the cake, not the whole cake.

 

[lilgymmie7]

My DD is the same, she is very hard on herself. I grew up having very low self-esteem and very little self-confidence, it is something I've had to work on all my life, so as a parent I am very conscious of trying to help my children to grow up feeling better about themselves than I did. I like to redefine success to my own definition, focussing more on internal success, rather than external success, and to let go of other people's definition of success (such as placing at state). Then the 'wins' and achievement of goals become the icing on the cake, not the whole cake.

Beautifully said, and I agree 100% Thank you! Now I just have to help guide him to that realization as well.