Parents "Challenging" child...how would you address?

[flipnastic]

my did is 6 yo level 3. She's in a group with 4 girls, ages 7&8. My daughter is the most "challenging" one, mostly because she's different from the others in that she has a hard time focusing and remembering corrections. (Coach will give instructions for stations, she'll forget what to do at one or where to go next, coach will say arms by your ears, she'll forget next time.) I know that her behavior is towards the add/ADHD spectrum and she's very similar to me in that auditory learning is my worst learning style (I zoned out in class and learned the material on my own.) I'm not really sure how to address the situation. The coach is frustrated because she's not excelling although she's very talented, and the others are. They are exact opposite of her in personality and don't have the same issues of focus, etc as her. . I see my daughter trying really hard most of the time, but it's not sticking. Part of me also feels like the coach may not have figured out how to work with my daughters different learning style yet? And it concerns me that she seems to be loosing patience with her...my daughter looooves gym and her team mates, but I'm concerned that she is starting to notice the other girks excelling and getting lots of praise vs her getting quite a bit of negative feedback lately. Also, I'm just wondering where my expectations should be as far as her behaviors at this age? Am I expecting too much by hoping she can learns to listen/remember like the other girls?
how would you address?

 

[FutureGirls]

Your daughter sounds very age appropriate to me!! Coaches, especially at the beginning levels should be very used to having young kids mixed in with older ones. Of course a 6 year old can't, for the most part, listen and focus as well as an 8 year old. She's 6! Learning to make and remember corrections takes time and patience. A lot of patience also, I think the gym is a great place for kids with ADD and ADHD. My daughter has ADD and the quick directions, multiple stations helps her a lot. What I don't like though is you feeling like the coach is loosing patience with her. That's not ok. Could the coach not know how old she is? Sometimes they need reminded of that. You need your daughter in a space that understands her age and immaturity. That doesn't mean she can't be a great gymnast, she just needs time and the coaches need to remember that too. Try taking to them. Ask them how she listens. Anything you can do to help etc. chances are it's not as bad as it looks and if it is then you may need to find a more patient space for your daughter.

 

[SuperMama]

Your situation sounds very much like my daughters. My DD is 6 also and is having trouble staying focused at practice. She's also in an environment where I felt the coach was losing patience with her because the other girls seem to be adapting better. In my DDs case I was also getting concerned about how it was effecting her as she was starting to notice the others getting praise. I did end up talking to the coach which seems to have helped and I try to give her praise when she shares a new accomplishment or when I see her paying attention at practice. We'll see if it sticks! It's only been a short amount of time since the talk so I don't really have answers but wanted to let you know that you're not alone! [emoji56]

 

[flipnastic]

Your daughter sounds very age appropriate to me!! Coaches, especially at the beginning levels should be very used to having young kids mixed in with older ones. Of course a 6 year old can't, for the most part, listen and focus as well as an 8 year old. She's 6! Learning to make and remember corrections takes time and patience. A lot of patience also, I think the gym is a great place for kids with ADD and ADHD. My daughter has ADD and the quick directions, multiple stations helps her a lot. What I don't like though is you feeling like the coach is loosing patience with her. That's not ok. Could the coach not know how old she is? Sometimes they need reminded of that. You need your daughter in a space that understands her age and immaturity. That doesn't mean she can't be a great gymnast, she just needs time and the coaches need to remember that too. Try taking to them. Ask them how she listens. Anything you can do to help etc. chances are it's not as bad as it looks and if it is then you may need to find a more patient space for your daughter.

I've talked to the coach quite a bit over the past couple of weeks about it. Honestly, I really do like the coach. She is great with the kids as a whole and she has brought them so far in just a few months, and my daughter loves her. I think she's just young, and my daughter just Doesn't "fit the mold." I think unless you have children of your own or have years of experience, it's hard to really grasp that kids all have different learning needs and to have patience and adapt to the kids who are outside of the box. I do understand that my daughter isn't one of the easier kids to work with and it goes beyond just being young. I think the thing I'm really struggling with though is where's the balance? How hard do we push if she truly isn't capable of listening and knowing exactly what to do because her brain can't process it as well as the other girls?

 

[flipnastic]

Your situation sounds very much like my daughters. My DD is 6 also and is having trouble staying focused at practice. She's also in an environment where I felt the coach was losing patience with her because the other girls seem to be adapting better. In my DDs case I was also getting concerned about how it was effecting her as she was starting to notice the others getting praise. I did end up talking to the coach which seems to have helped and I try to give her praise when she shares a new accomplishment or when I see her paying attention at practice. We'll see if it sticks! It's only been a short amount of time since the talk so I don't really have answers but wanted to let you know that you're not alone! [emoji56]

Thank you! It's wonderful to feel not alone! Sometimes I feel as if gymnastics caters to the kids who aren't like ours but there is so much that's wonderful about our little girls that goes beyond the "difficulty focusing and listening! What did you say to the coach? And what did she do different, if anything, during practice that seemed to work?

 

[Madden3]

There is a great old book series out there by a pair of researchers named Ames and Ilg where they discuss what is developmentally normal behavior at different ages. When my middle child was 6, his behavior drove me absolutely batty and I remember being so reassured he was normal after reading "Your Six Year Old." You could also look at "Your 5 Year Old" as not every child develops precisely the same of course. When reading reviews, be aware that for some reason the fact the books understandably reflect the times they were written (1970s and 1980s) bugs some people. It is too bad because the detailed research the books are based on make them deservedly classics and they are still in print or in any case easily available. Kids have not changed- our expectations have- and everyone is suffering for it. (Except the pharmaceutical industry.)

I think your daughter may be different than the other girls in her practice but that does not necessarily make her any different from an average, normal 6 year old. I think as long as your daughter is having a good time in practice there is no need to worry. Some teachers and coaches have a way of seeming impatient to adults when in fact they are just having a normal human reaction to the frustrations of trying to impart ideas to young children, and if they keep the tone light, most kids understand and do not take any offense. If the coach's behavior is upsetting your daughter, that would be different of course. Every kid needs praise for making a real effort even if they fall a bit short of expectations. Maybe you could help her get praised more by helping her set a really simple and doable behavior goal "today I will not talk when the coach is talking" or "today I will ask if I do not understand something" or whatever would be an appropriate goal- and then if she manages to meet that goal to some degree, YOU praise her.

If auditory learning is not your daughter's style, does it help when the coach demonstrates for her what she wants?

 

[raenndrops]

My YG had similar issues when she was 6 and the rest of the team was older (7-13), but there were up to 18 girls in the group with 2-3 coaches. At the time, she was the youngest EVER on the team.
The coach did several different things. It probably helps that HC is also a teacher.
1) She would make sure YG rotated with a responsible 10+ year old. - not possible with your small group.
2) She would put labels at the stations (words and picture reminders).
3) She would use YG as the "model" and, for example, physically hold YG's arms by her ears (gently) while telling everyone their arms should be by their ears.
4) At one point, the coach would draw things on her arm with washable markers (for stations, left arm - blue for bars, green for floor, and red for beam) … (for corrections, right arm - purple and black).

To this day, YG still doesn't do as well with auditory directions, but it is getting a lot better (85% compared to 10%). She has learned to just not be 1st, so she can see what others are doing if she forgets.

 

[SuperMama]

Thank you! It's wonderful to feel not alone! Sometimes I feel as if gymnastics caters to the kids who aren't like ours but there is so much that's wonderful about our little girls that goes beyond the "difficulty focusing and listening! What did you say to the coach? And what did she do different, if anything, during practice that seemed to work?

I totally agree! My DD had started to express concern after practice and say that she didn't want to go because she thought the coach didn't like her. So I first had a talk with my DD about it to explain that the coach just wants her to work hard and it's not that she doesn't like her. Then I asked her if she still wanted to do gymnastics and she said yes and I asked if she wanted me to talk to the coach to confirm that she wasn't upset with her and she liked that idea. I also let her know that her dad and I have to work hard for her to participate so we need her to do her best too.

Then I sent the coach a note just letting her know that my DD enjoyed gymnastics but was starting to feel a bit discouraged after practice and that she felt like she didn't like her. I let her know that I did speak with my DD and assure her that was not the case but asked if she would be willing to speak with her as well to reassure her and let her know what she expects from DD in class. Lastly I mentioned that I felt that it was taking DD a bit of time to find her way as the class time becomes more serious and less playful.

The coach did speak to her at the next practice and made an effort to encourage her more and apply physical corrections which seems to have helped. She also explained that she didn't want DD to fall behind in her progress so she tries to push her. I offered that it's ok to sit her out every now and then if she's really not paying attention so that she can refocus. She tried that and that also has seemed to help my DD as she does want to participate and I think it helped her to know she can't just do her own thing. We've also been working with my DD at home doing a few focused activities like a few exercises or a puzzle or an activity worksheet just to help her apply focus more consistently before school starts again. So far my DD seems re-energized around practice and has made some improvements which we have been focused on really praising when after practice.

I think the poster who mentioned coaches sometimes needing a reminder is right. I do think that if you don't have kids of your own and have not been a long time teacher of young children you may have skewed perceptions on how they behave at that age and may not know how to cater to the different learning styles.

We really like the gym and the coaches here and I appreciated her receptiveness to my concern so now we're just observing to see how DD responds as the season continues.

 

[Seeker]

Some good ideas here -- maybe a few of those things could help. Using her as the demo athlete might work wonders; pairing her with another gymnast; reminding her to look at others for context clues about the task (don't go first), etc. Also, if you do think she is showing ADD/ADHD tendencies, handling her like any other 6-yr old will likely just be an effort in frustration (for her, you and the coach). I would definitely spend some time trying to figure out what does work for her and also think about some other things that might help her -- diet, sleep, supplements (I know several folks that have found success with Focus Factor) -- anything to help ease her path.

In the long run, gymnastics will likely be very good for her, but she will need some different supports than others. Good luck!

 

[gymisforeveryone]

I would try to approach the coach after class and say "Hi coach, I've noticed that my DD has hard time with visual learning and remembering longer instructions. She has these challenges at school and home also and it has helped a lot when we have tried different ways of giving the instructions and corrections. Her teacher and us have noticed that she is more of a kinesthetic learner. I've been wondering if there are any ways to utilize this information in her gymnastics class also? Could she for example be used as a demo gymnasts when you go through the stations so she would remember them better?"

 

[gymisforeveryone]

My YG had similar issues when she was 6 and the rest of the team was older (7-13), but there were up to 18 girls in the group with 2-3 coaches. At the time, she was the youngest EVER on the team.
The coach did several different things. It probably helps that HC is also a teacher.
1) She would make sure YG rotated with a responsible 10+ year old. - not possible with your small group.
2) She would put labels at the stations (words and picture reminders).
3) She would use YG as the "model" and, for example, physically hold YG's arms by her ears (gently) while telling everyone their arms should be by their ears.
4) At one point, the coach would draw things on her arm with washable markers (for stations, left arm - blue for bars, green for floor, and red for beam) … (for corrections, right arm - purple and black).

To this day, YG still doesn't do as well with auditory directions, but it is getting a lot better (85% compared to 10%). She has learned to just not be 1st, so she can see what others are doing if she forgets.

I love that coach! He/she sounds like someone who's really interested and dedicated to work with kids with learning difficulties.

 

[raenndrops]

I love that coach! He/she sounds like someone who's really interested and dedicated to work with kids with learning difficulties.

Our HC is great. She is a former high level gymnast (quit in high school because her coach was too intense). She finds ways to work with all gymnasts in a way that works for them.

 

[FutureGirls]

I've talked to the coach quite a bit over the past couple of weeks about it. Honestly, I really do like the coach. She is great with the kids as a whole and she has brought them so far in just a few months, and my daughter loves her. I think she's just young, and my daughter just Doesn't "fit the mold." I think unless you have children of your own or have years of experience, it's hard to really grasp that kids all have different learning needs and to have patience and adapt to the kids who are outside of the box. I do understand that my daughter isn't one of the easier kids to work with and it goes beyond just being young. I think the thing I'm really struggling with though is where's the balance? How hard do we push if she truly isn't capable of listening and knowing exactly what to do because her brain can't process it as well as the other girls?

You can't push or your daughter is going to get upset and frustrated. My daughter is 5 and will compete level 3 this year and acts like she's 5. The coaches know that she is that young and expect that her focus will be different than the other girls. I was very insistent when she was moved to that level that they knew all of this and felt like they could coach her at her developmental level. Now, I think your daughter will be great at level 3 as long as the coach remembers how to coach her where she is. I feel it is ok to still have high expectations, they obviously think your daughter has lots of talent, but within reason. Your daughter will learn to make her corrections and for us parents it really is learning to allow the process and to not worry too much about comparing her to others. It's so hard though!!! So many practices my daughter can be more interested in playing in the pit or intentionally falling off the beam. Now. You have options. If you really feel she is not emotionally ready, pull her back to rec or level 2 if she didn't compete that yet. Pull her back in time in the gym. Discuss options with the coach. Really, a talented 6 year old will still be a talented kid next season if you decide to wait!

 

[CuriousCate]

I echo FutureGirls. Both my ODD and YDD are the youngest in their respective levels. ODD is 7 on lvl 4 and it shows. She's much better than when she was 5 or 6 but it still shows. She loses focus quicker and still cannot process the multiple verbal instructions (3-4 step commands/corrections) into her physical execution; she'll get like the first or last correction mentioned.

And now my YDD who is 5 and on bronze/lvl 2 is much the same. Can't remember her stations, etc.

They all improve with the repetition and as they get a bit older so pressure at this point is not going to help but will likely drive her away from the sport. If it is getting really bad where the coach or your DD is getting increasingly frustrated, then it is definitely worth trying to go back a level if possible. We had 2 girls do this simply for maturity and it was such a great thing for them. My guess is that my YDD will need to repeat her current level due to this as well, and, well, it is what it is. If it keeps her in the sport and gives her confidence, I'm okay with that.

 

[Mamabear123]

DD's level 3 team this past season was all 6 and 7 year olds (one 9 year old) so the coach had to have a special level of patience for them. Lol. One of the girls had a tough time staying focused and following instructions. What I noticed the coach would do sometimes is ask her what needed to be done. For example, instead of telling her over and over again to point her toes, she would ask the girl, what do you think was wrong with your form? Or ask her, what do you think is the next step/station. This method seemed to work well for this little girl, she's more self motivated and the coach is less stressed.

 

[notthatmom]

Coming from someone who has ADHD, who's mother never believed I had an inability to focus as a child, first and foremost I would have her get evaluated by a specialist. Most likely you would have to get a consult by her regular pedi first, and they'll give you a recommendation on which doctor to see.
Knowing the root of the issue can easily help to administer the "problem" and if/when she is diagnosed, you can talk to her coach about it so they know to approach her coaching differently.
Your support is 100% important right now, so stand by her.
My mom didn't believe me EVER when I told her I couldn't just "apply myself" and do well in school. I struggled. A lot. I didn't understand how it was so easy for my classmates to focus and get good grades, do well on tests. I did ok in school, got into a good college, and I have an awesome job. But it wasn't at all easy for me. 6 years ago I was evaluated and diagnosed, and now I'm on medication and it made a world of a difference. I just think back now to how much easier school would have been for me had I been diagnosed as a child.
I'm not saying medication is necessarily the answer here, but once you have more answers, you'll have more options, and hopefully a better understanding from her coach.

 

[raenndrops]

Coming from someone who has ADHD, who's mother never believed I had an inability to focus as a child, first and foremost I would have her get evaluated by a specialist. Most likely you would have to get a consult by her regular pedi first, and they'll give you a recommendation on which doctor to see.
Knowing the root of the issue can easily help to administer the "problem" and if/when she is diagnosed, you can talk to her coach about it so they know to approach her coaching differently.
Your support is 100% important right now, so stand by her.
My mom didn't believe me EVER when I told her I couldn't just "apply myself" and do well in school. I struggled. A lot. I didn't understand how it was so easy for my classmates to focus and get good grades, do well on tests. I did ok in school, got into a good college, and I have an awesome job. But it wasn't at all easy for me. 6 years ago I was evaluated and diagnosed, and now I'm on medication and it made a world of a difference. I just think back now to how much easier school would have been for me had I been diagnosed as a child.
I'm not saying medication is necessarily the answer here, but once you have more answers, you'll have more options, and hopefully a better understanding from her coach.

I am also ADHD, so I feel your pain. I was never medicated (except for 18 months in junior high, when I was inadvertently medicated ... or rather overmedicated - by a doctor that saw overweight girl and figured that equaled LAZY, so he put me on "speed" to help me lose weight. I lost and gained 20 lbs in the 18 months).
Even in college, I had a short attention span. LOL, if an exam took longer than 20 minutes (for me), I was doomed! The others in the class could take up to 2 hours and I was always the first one done. 20 minutes or less and I usually got an A.

 

[SuperMama]

So many practices my daughter can be more interested in playing in the pit or intentionally falling off the beam.!

My DD does the intentionally falling off beam too [emoji56]. Glad to see it's a "thing" at this age

 

[raenndrops]

My DD does the intentionally falling off beam too [emoji56]. Glad to see it's a "thing" at this age

It tends to stop the first time they REALLY fall, split the beam, or hit their head.

 

[SuperMama]

It tends to stop the first time they REALLY fall, split the beam, or hit their head.

[emoji15] that sounds like a tough lesson!