Parents Daughter talking about quitting for all the wrong reasons

[duyetanh]

I agree it is hard. My kid went through this, and it literally took fighting back before she was left alone.

 

[aamake]

I do believe that the coaches would address it, if it were to happen directly under their noses. However, kids don't do stuff like this when the coach is standing right there. Mostly, it is mental stuff: like telling my daughter that the coach's favorite day is my daughter's day off because she is not there. (That I heard myself.) She, too, has kicked my daughter off of a beam, pushed mats into her, refused to allow her to get chalk out of the bucket- telling her to go to another one.... Different girl, who is 6 years older than my child, comments about how bad my daughter's skills are to other girls in front of her. Stuff like that- it's not like they are punching her in the middle of workout. But it wears on her. It ruins her joy. She loves doing gymnastics, even though she is not a great gymnast. I wonder, though, if she didn't have to deal with the emotional roller coaster, if she would be better because she would feel more confident.

 

[gymmomtoo]

I'd definitely take her elsewhere. She may like her coaches but her teammates are making the experience miserable. She may resist but she needs a change

 

[Ali'sMom]

I do believe that the coaches would address it, if it were to happen directly under their noses. However, kids don't do stuff like this when the coach is standing right there. Mostly, it is mental stuff: like telling my daughter that the coach's favorite day is my daughter's day off because she is not there. (That I heard myself.) She, too, has kicked my daughter off of a beam, pushed mats into her, refused to allow her to get chalk out of the bucket- telling her to go to another one.... Different girl, who is 6 years older than my child, comments about how bad my daughter's skills are to other girls in front of her. Stuff like that- it's not like they are punching her in the middle of workout. But it wears on her. It ruins her joy. She loves doing gymnastics, even though she is not a great gymnast. I wonder, though, if she didn't have to deal with the emotional roller coaster, if she would be better because she would feel more confident.

No little girl should have to go through that. Being a female adolescent is hard enough without this extra crap.

Wait - the one who is 6 years older than your daughter??? I've tried to think of what age span where 6 years would make them almost peers. I cannot think of one until after college. 6 vs 12, 8 vs 14, 12 vs 18 - Not one of those spans makes it okay for an older girl to talk that way to the younger one.

Honestly, if the coaches won't address it at all (not even a team meeting about "getting along", I would change gyms. It might just re-ignite the joy for her.

They are aware but say that my daughter needs to ignore it or stand up for herself. Told me that the other girls are not picked on because they do not allow themselves to be. The coaches are nice to my daughter. It is just not in her personality to be aggressive back to somebody.

"Hey, the other girls are happy because they can bully back!" ????
Again, to me, the gym should be where all the girls support each other. AND where the coaches support the girls. All of them. Regardless of whether they are strong or sensitive.

Sorry, I have a sensitive 12 year old, and I'm very sensitive when it comes to her self esteem

 

[Seeker]

The gym should address this full stop. They DO know about it because you told them. They are choosing to not deal with it.

 

[Deleted member 18037]

No little girl should have to go through that. Being a female adolescent is hard enough without this extra crap.

Wait - the one who is 6 years older than your daughter??? I've tried to think of what age span where 6 years would make them almost peers. I cannot think of one until after college. 6 vs 12, 8 vs 14, 12 vs 18 - Not one of those spans makes it okay for an older girl to talk that way to the younger one.

Honestly, if the coaches won't address it at all (not even a team meeting about "getting along", I would change gyms. It might just re-ignite the joy for her.

"Hey, the other girls are happy because they can bully back!" ????
Again, to me, the gym should be where all the girls support each other. AND where the coaches support the girls. All of them. Regardless of whether they are strong or sensitive.

This

OK see here is the thing about bullying, especially girls, cause they are sneaky. You have to catch them. As in you need to be aware its happening. And you have made them aware. So now the coaches should have their radar up and be working on "catching" them to address it. They should be proactively encouraging them to play nice, be respectful etc..

And 6 yrs difference. Sounds like jealousy. But an older girl should be more of mentor. They should be watching out for the younger ones, not verbally beating them down. The coaches should be encouraging that.

I would definitely be moving on.

 

[LizzieLac]

It is just as important that coaches help develop strong character, not just strong athletes. For most kids THAT IS the real outcome of competing in any sport.

Sounds like leaving the gym and finding another is what you should consider. And I would try to explain to your DD in terms she can understand that it is an unhealthy culture in that gym. Good luck!!

 

[aamake]

And 6 yrs difference. Sounds like jealousy. But an older girl should be more of mentor. They should be watching out for the younger ones, not verbally beating them down. The coaches should be encouraging that.

It is definitely not jealousy. She is an amazing gymnast- higher level than my daughter ever could be. Which is what I feel is the issue- she sees my daughter as not being good enough to represent "her" gym. I agree with your point that the older girls should be mentors. It is fine to give constructive criticism, if it is ok with the coaches. It is not ok to belittle an 11 year old trying to get a skill.

 

[Deleted member 18037]

It is definitely not jealousy. She is an amazing gymnast- higher level than my daughter ever could be. Which is what I feel is the issue- she sees my daughter as not being good enough to represent "her" gym. I agree with your point that the older girls should be mentors. It is fine to give constructive criticism, if it is ok with the coaches. It is not ok to belittle an 11 year old trying to get a skill.

And shame on the coaches for not squashing the Queen Bee like a bug.

Who is ruling the roost, er gym. I would imagine the coaches, put girls on the team because they are capable. Again, that coaches don't own this and make it crystal clear well seems the inmates are running the asylum.

And I still call BS on Miss Amazing gymnast. She is one insecure (what 16/17 yr old if you daughter is 11). And that makes me sad for her, but she is still wrong.

 

[Ali'sMom]

[QUOTE="Deleted member 18037, post: 391545, member: 18037"
And I still call BS on Miss Amazing gymnast. She is one insecure (what 16/17 yr old if you daughter is 11). And that makes me sad for her, but she is still wrong.[/QUOTE]

If there was any 16 or 17 year old doing that to an 11 year old in my gym, the coaches would absolutely put an end to it.
Even if she was an amazing gymnast.

 

[SignHere]

[QUOTE="Deleted member 18037, post: 391545, member: 18037"
And I still call BS on Miss Amazing gymnast. She is one insecure (what 16/17 yr old if you daughter is 11). And that makes me sad for her, but she is still wrong.

If there was any 16 or 17 year old doing that to an 11 year old in my gym, the coaches would absolutely put an end to it.
Even if she was an amazing gymnast.[/QUOTE]

I don't care. In no way, shape or form, is bullying ok, and adults telling an 11 year old to " stand up for herself" to a 17 year old is absolutely ridiculous. Akin to telling an 11 year old to stand up for herself against an adult. The 17 year old is almost legally an adult.

My DD was bullied at gym , she came home every night, crying, because of things her " teammates" said to her. I spoke to her coaches , was given lame excuses. I spoke to the parents, was met with steadfast denial that the precious sweetheart could do such a thing. I was then bad mouthed by the mother all over the gym. The mother told lies about me to anyone who would listen. Finally, the bully was moved to a different training group, but my DD suffered from it afterwards for quite some time. I STILL wish I had just put on my big girl panties, not been so self righteous and realized that life is not always fair.

I kept thinking ( my daughter has a RIGHT to go to gymnastics and not be bullied. I shouldn't have to change gyms ). But the fact of the matter was, the coaches were MOT WILLING to make a change and the implicit supported the bully, for whatever reason ( favoritism?, she was more talented than my DD? I don't know). But I should have accepted that it wasn't going to change.

 

[Ali'sMom]

But the fact of the matter was, the coaches were MOT WILLING to make a change and the implicit supported the bully, for whatever reason ( favoritism?, she was more talented than my DD? I don't know).

Because it was easier to keep their heads in the sand.

 

[aamake]

I can relate to the gossip. The mother of one of the girls has spoken negatively about my daughter and myself to others. I can not imagine anybody believing there is any validity to it, but I don't feel obligated to "tell my side". I personally feel that each person that has jumped on that bandwagon will learn in their own time as they get to know them. The apples never fall far from the tree.
I want to protect my daughter from all of this. In many ways, she is stronger than I am. I would have walked away long ago. But she has wiped away tears, held her head high, and trudged on... until the last few weeks. I feel it is time to be in an environment where the nurturing is not only by coaches, but also by peers.

 

[SignHere]

I would say, don't let her quit. Just move her to another gym.

She may decide, after a year, that she still wants to quit, but at least it will be on her terms, and not theirs. And you don't know, she may just get her sparkle back.

 

[flippin out]

Older girls should definitely be mentors! Shame on that teammate!! When my dd was 13 her only teammate at her level was 5yrs older than she. That teammate was the best support she could've ever asked for. She was a wonderful teammate, friend and role model. My dd responds to her role as a gym leader now by how this girl taught her. I can not thank that teammate enough for being such a good role model. Teammate has since graduated and is doing well competing other sports in college. To this day she is one of my dd's biggest supporters. And we support her! We try to make as many of her competitions as we can.

If your gym will not reprimand that snotty teammate, leave. They are not teaching good life lessons to either the snot or your daughter.

 

[duyetanh]

I am sorry, but any kid that pushed my kid off the HIGH beam would be met by me in front of their parents and I would be asking why. The intent to hurt my child would be IT for me. DONE.

 

[momto2js]

My son is in a similar position. It is a younger kid that isn't exactly picking on him, but is irritating. Our coach is a "the whole group pays for the actions of one" so lots of extra conditioning an floss of fun stuff is perceived because this kid is bouncing off the walls. FH has enough focus problem than to have to try to stay on task with this little thing running into him.

I understand the coach thinks they will self police, but they are kids!!

 

[gracyomalley]

Thing is I only found out about the high beam incident a few weeks later from DD friend. By then too late to be momma bear. At 11 DD didn't want me making a scene. I wish I'd known

 

[gymmomtotwo]

DD was bullied at our gym by one girl. Suffice it to say that the coaches did an awesome job of nipping it in the bud. The kid is a better gymnast and has parents who coach at the gym. I was worried that They would ignore the problem and tell her to stand up for herself. Nope. They took care of it. It is just flat out unacceptable no matter who you are. I love our gym. Your DD needs a better environment. I'd change gyms if they won't take care of the problem.

 

[duyetanh]

Ok so you found out about the high beam later? This would honestly make me a bit nervous...what else is happening or has happened that you are unaware of?!
I am very diplomatic about giving coaches a chance, but this doesn't sit well with me...