WAG DD wants to quit:(

[L5mw]

When I was a child, I was a competitive figure skater. Different than gym, but very similar. LOOONNNG hours of training, six days (or seven) a week. It was physically and emotionally demanding. Being in a sport like gymnastics or skating is just so DIFFERENT from other sports like soccer or basketball. It is subjective and just so personal in a way that a team sport is not. That is a great thing, but when you are feeling "down" about it, that can be a very bad thing. I remember at around your DD's same age feeling like I was just "done". I had been doing the sport seriously (20+ hours a week) since age 7, and I was just done. My parents did a great thing for me. They said that my only "job" was to go to school and to be a kid. Skating was NOT to be a job, it was supposed to be a passion, a love of mine. I took a week/ ten days off, and then went back at a slightly modified schedule for a week or two. And I took that time to figure out that yes, it WAS still a love of mine. It WAS still my passion. And I continued on, back to my regular schedule.
My biggest fear for my DD is that the gym (now her "happy place"- better than Disney she says!) would ever become her "job". I agree that you don't want a child to quit and regret it, but you also don't want to do it because they feel they "should". I think that when something is your "love" or passion, it never really goes away. I still (at almost 40!!) just yearn to be on the ice. I crave it. I have days where I would just love to be there- with the cold, the smells, the feeling of it all. I don't have much time to do it, but I still try to sneak away and get my time on the ice. To me, that is what I want gym to be for my daughter. A happy place- somewhere she just loves to go.

Thank you for your post. The sport is physically and emotionally draining. I don't want her to feel like it's a job she hates doing. I want her to love it again but I can't make that happen for her she has to decide that. I like your idea of some time away then go back at a modified schedule. Her goal at the beginning of summer was to go all the way with her sport. Quite a sudden change from one end of the spectrum to the other. Right now its not her happy place. She goes there not happy but - get this - she leaves the gym feeling happy and talks about routines (hers and others) and is lively and happy about it. But then we talk about the season coming up and she isn't so happy...

Everyone's posts have been so helpful to me and I am so grateful to have this forum to go to. Thank you!

 

[L5mw]

She has gone from homeschooling to regular school, that is a major change, greatly increased hours, emotional pressure of such a large peer group, getting used to a different environment.
It sounds like after that she needs some downtime to process the new school environment, instead she goes to gym, she's tired and spent and not ready for 4 hours of training.
That's sad that her coaches won't let her take a week or two's break, or do a reduced couple day a week schedule for a few weeks till she adjusts/makes a decision. With their attitude she is very likely to quit, but if she could just pull away a bit I think she'd likely change her mind.

Thank you. So many replies have said to give her a break and do a reduced schedule for a while. I think I must push for this. I would rather have her change gyms than for her to quit - so if the coaches aren't open to that it may have to be a consideration

Has anyone been on Team but not competed for a season or part of a season? Would most likely disqualify her for states but its a thought I've had.

 

[L5mw]

Let her have a break, even if it's just a week, to show her that gymnastics is her choice and to prove to herself whether or not this is something she wants to stick with. Open the door for a periodic day off if she chooses to continue- a night to just do homework, a Saturday off to hang out with friends (or just sleep in), or a few days off to go on a short vacation. She's 12, she doesn't need to feel like gymnastics is a job that she's being forced into, she needs to know it's her thing and her choice.
I understand your concern about her regretting her decision to quit, but just allowing a week off doesn't mean she'll quit. It just means you're open to discussing her options. Help remind her what she loves about gym, what she hopes to learn from it, and maybe help set some goals for the season or work out what might be bugging her- a disagreement with the coach, a fear of a skill, fear of not doing well. If there is a deeper, more pressing issue beyond just wanting to try other things, it would be best to get to the bottom of that and try to work it out.
Best wishes! Let us know how it goes.

The coaches make it known that they look down upon someone taking time off to hang with friends, sleeping in, etc. They have a great deal of influence on her and since I am not on the floor telling her otherwise she is going to listen to them. Just responding to these replies is making things seem clearer to me that her coach(es) are pretty hard and demanding. I just thought all coaches were like that.

 

[kayjaybe]

The coaches make it known that they look down upon someone taking time off to hang with friends, sleeping in, etc. They have a great deal of influence on her and since I am not on the floor telling her otherwise she is going to listen to them. Just responding to these replies is making things seem clearer to me that her coach(es) are pretty hard and demanding. I just thought all coaches were like that.

I can understand coaches being against just goofing off for the sake of goofing off, but this is different than that (although she may goof off during her time off.) This would be a planned break to give her some time to adjust to her new school situation and to give her body a rest. I'd be wary of any coach that wouldn't support this, if done in a thoughtful manner.

I think what strikes me is that she is having reservations about team even though she's been successful. My kid is the opposite. When she is struggling is when she wants to skip practice. (We had a tough couple of weeks last year where she would physically make herself ill when she knew she had beam that night.)

I agree with others to plan either 1 or 2 weeks off. I would definitely keep her out for 1 full week, even if she wants to go back, otherwise she won't really recharge. At the end of that week, you can re-evaluate if she needs another week or wants to return.

Even if your dd were on the track to the Olympics, is it worth her happiness and sanity to not allow her this break? And if she IS on the track for the Olympics, with that kind of talent and dedication, I can't imagine that taking 1-2 weeks off would hinder that in the long run.

 

[coachmolly]

I think in dealing with this age group coaches need to be flexible, understanding that holding the reins too tight will just lead to kids running out the door to cheer or soccer or just being a middle schooler. And it sounds like the style of her coach(es) is really not jiving with who she is as a person or a gymnast, which is probably only adding to the frustration.
School can be absolutely exhausting for children with any kind of learning challenges, I speak from experience. I was in a constant state of lethargy for most of middle and high school and after bunches of test the only conclusion was there was nothing medically wrong with me. We've since determined it was likely because it took me so much more energy to get through tasks than classmates. This could be part of the challenge your DD is facing as she is starting out in "real" school, thought it wouldn't explain the complaints in the summer. I also wholeheartedly agree with making sure she has an outside activity where she can shine, it's so necessary for a kid who struggles in school for any number of reasons.

 

[vagymmomma]

Has anyone been on Team but not competed for a season or part of a season? Would most likely disqualify her for states but its a thought I've had.

My DD has not taken time off, but I know at least a 1/2 dozen examples of girls who have. In all but one case, the girls were at least a L9. I think it's fair to say burn out was a big reason for the break, but there was one case where a stubborn injury didn't help. In all cases the girls were excited to be back and re-energized about the sport when they returned. In two cases, they left as L9s and actually came back after a full year out of the gym as L10s. One left as a L9 and came back as a L7 after two years off. We have one girl on team now who left as a L10 for a year and came back as a L9. All of these girls did really, really well after the comeback (e.g., placing at nationals). Another girl who left as a L7 struggled more with the comeback, but she knew that she wanted to be there and was able to work her way back after a couple years.

Several girls in our gym have taken 2 - 4 week breaks over the last year and have successfully returned. The coaches and parents were a huge part of making it work.

 

[Flipflopz]

Dd is 12, a lev 10. She also wanted to quit last month. But later told me she knew she would have regrets as she genuinely loves the sport. Her coach told me she is not mature enough to make this decision on her own now and I should intervene.

 

[Flipflopz]

Ps. Dd only competed part of a season last yr, but enough to get the state and lev 10 qualifying scores.

 

[bookworm]

Even if your dd were on the track to the Olympics, is it worth her happiness and sanity to not allow her this break? And if she IS on the track for the Olympics, with that kind of talent and dedication, I can't imagine that taking 1-2 weeks off would hinder that in the long run.

Having been in and around this sport for over 15 years, I would definitely give her the break she needs ....because as the above quote says, is it worth her happiness not to? We are almost at the end of the gymnastics road and I can tell you , knowing what I know now about the sport and the direction it is headed, I don't know that I would do it again...don't get me wrong, she's had a lot of fun and success, but I worry about the price that has been paid in the long run. When they get to the point of doing gym in college, make no mistake, it is a job, and the school owns them, at least for schools in the top 20 or 30....I remember a pretty carefree existence as a college student and I don't feel like she has that .....she never took any "breaks" because she never asked for them but if I had a child asking for one now, I would run like the wind and not look back....

 

[Flipflopz]

Bookworm thats so interesting. Somedays I wish we never got involved. We have seen some "dark days", and as I mentioned dd is only 12.

 

[Natasha]

At L6 she is at a level that she can easily come back from a break. Also, L6 is not a required level, so even if she misses competing (full or partial season) she can keep training and come back in at L6 or L7 for competitions. When is your state meet? Unless it is in the fall, it is odd to me that the coach is this concerned about not being ready or qualifying to state. BTW, my dd (training L9) was out for 3 weeks this summer due to vacation and came back doing all her skills as well as new ones within 2 weeks. I just think that sometimes coaches "brainwash" parents and gymnasts into thinking that missing any practice is detrimental, when sometimes it can actually help their gymnastics. And, as others have said, there is a difference between skipping practice to goof off and a planned break. If your coach cannot be supportive of a planned break, then you may have a larger issue.

 

[L5mw]

Really, I didn't know that l6 was a level that you didn't need to do. I have always thought they had to compete it at least once before moving to the next level. That is how she moved from l5 last yr (which is l4 now) to the new l6 this year. She got a good enough score to skip l6 compulsories and move to optionals. If she stays in this sport is there a book where I find all this information?

 

[iwannacoach]

Well It seemed as I was reading, that she wouldn't make it through the season if something didn't come her way. So consider the coach a non issue (whoops) and do what has to be done. Maybe start with telling the coach this is all going on and ask what concessions she'd be willing to make for the next 6 months, and then all of you could revisit her schedule.

I think you have to come up with a big offer that catches your daughter's attention and gets her on board with the idea of staying as close to the sport as she can while doing the other things she wants. She'll also get the idea you're trying to help her look out for her own best interests, and maybe even offer to do a little more gym than your offer included. The thing is, if I'm reading the situation, she feels trapped. Maybe all you have to do is open the door and she'll be relieved and feel secure enough to change very little.

It would be nice to keep her with her coach and at the club she's at, but only if she's willing to embrace any limits her coach puts in place. Don't let her stretch to get to her coach's position because that's just gonna get you back to where you are now. Make sure she can be delighted with any bargain she agrees to, and then hold her to that.

So some parents and coaches are gonna wonder why not tell her to live up to her commitment. I'd say she's just 12 years old, and didn't fully understand how having no time off would affect her. She knew she needed something, and she asked for what she thought she needed at the time. That kinda absolves her in my mind as kids have to be kids in order to be amazing kids. It's just how their spirit within them works.

 

[AlexsGymmyMom]

Really, I didn't know that l6 was a level that you didn't need to do. I have always thought they had to compete it at least once before moving to the next level. That is how she moved from l5 last yr (which is l4 now) to the new l6 this year. She got a good enough score to skip l6 compulsories and move to optionals. If she stays in this sport is there a book where I find all this information?

I did not realize that you could skip the old L6 altogether if you scored well in the old Level 5. I really thought they would have to compete at least 1 New L5 meet to score out?
Not trying to hijack but a girl at our gym is in this position and we all thought she would have to do 1 L5 meet because for the last 2 years she did excel plat and did not do an old L6 mobility meet. It would be like skipping from old 5 to old 7 or rather (new 4 to new 6?). I didn't think there was a score you could achieve that would ever let you skip a level?

 

[Natasha]

The OP stated that her daughter scored out of old L6 by completing one meet. So now she is eligible for new L6 or L7. What the OP was saying is that she didn't realize that she didn't have to compete L6.
To the OP- L6 is an exception. Because it is essentially an "extra" level placed between compulsories and L7, it is not required. The requirements for L6 are really not much more difficult (if any) than the final level of compulsories (old L6 or new L5). All other levels do require a mobility score.

 

[Gymnast194]

I think you should just let her take a break if she really wants to. I've heard that gymnasts quit and they realize they cant live without it and so they go back. Maybe that's the case with her. Or maybe she really does want to quit for good. I think you should just let her make the decision

 

[my4buffaloes]

To me family comes first. So plan your vacation, plan a day out for the family, plan a sleep over with her friends, plan things for her and don't worry about gymnastics. Your dd has to have a life outside of the gym (even when they think they don't want/need it!) because gym won't last forever and then what are they left with? I would not consult the coach as to when you can take a vacation. Meet season is not year round typically. Plan your vacation and tell the gym you will be gone that week. Everyone will survive. And if your child is overwhelmed with school work or finally gets invited to a birthday party of a new friend, or whatever - well it is ok to take an unexpected day off.

 

[curlymomof3]

Dd was two weeks away from her first meet of the season. My kids are also currently off track for year round school. We knew that September would be a great time to vacation but I was worried about Dd missing practice so close to her first meet. Then it hit me. What's the worst that could happen by having her miss a couple practices? She might lose a few points at that first meet but I also knew she would have the rest of the season to get back on track. The pros of spending that family time away from gym definitely outweighed the cons. It was a nice break for all of us and she got right back on track when she came back!

I vote for definitely giving her a break! These gymnasts work so hard and deserve a little down time every now and then!

 

[gymnast695]

From a gymnasts point of view- when I was 12 I cried and begged to quit for months too after giving up every other sport for gymnastics the summer prior. After a few months of hating gymnastics, my parents finally accepted it was what I wanted. I took a year off and eventually missed gymnastics so terribly much that I jumped right back on team at a new gym. Fast forward 6 years and I'm now doing it in college and still love it so very much 12 is a rough age but a break can definitely be a good thing! Quitting doesn't mean forever, and there's a really good chance she'll miss it and want to come back!

 

[Kiwi]

Has anyone been on Team but not competed for a season or part of a season? Would most likely disqualify her for states but its a thought I've had.

I don't know anything about qualifying for states, but if she quits she won't be going to states anyway, so I wouldn't let this be the over-riding concern.

We have a different system here, but my DD did not compete most of the season last year due to an injury. The gym asked her to stay away from the gym until her injury had healed. She conditioned at home during that time. When she went back she was behind on skills, but was very keen to get back into it. She probably should have repeated the level as she struggled with the new level, and will be repeating it next year. But better to repeat a year than quit.