Parents Dealing with the mental aspects

[aquatica]

My DD is 8 and in the developmental program at her gym (9 hours a week). The coaches tell me she is doing really well, and whenever I see her in the gym, she appears to be having a lot of fun. In the abstract, she says she loves gym, but it seems like whenever she actually talks about it, she is frustrated and upset. She almost never tells me she had fun, instead it's a litany of complaints about how hard everything is. She might just be venting to me, but she is also a perfectionist and I think she has trouble with how long it sometimes takes to get skills.

At the end of this year, she will have to make a choice as to whether to stay in the higher competitive level or drop back to a more recreational competitive program. Physically she has the ability to do the higher level, but mentally I'm not sure. Is this normal for younger kids? I am torn between not wanting her to give up on something she's good at just because it's hard, and acknowledging that she has to want to do this. If she does drop back, there would still be a path back to the higher level if she changed her mind and put in the work.

 

[SurpriseGymMom]

I would say it's normal. We as parents are the safe place for them to vent, and it's normally just that, venting. It IS hard!! Do you have opportunities to observe her in practice? If so, check her demeanor out on the floor. Is she reluctant to go to practice, tries to make excuses or flat out asks not to go..? If she's still wanting to go to practice and she appears to enjoy herself out there (even if there are moments where she's crying because it's tough!!) then I wouldn't worry too much about it. She's old enough to verbalize if she doesn't want to go. I coCh the developmental kids at our gym and it's no picnic, I have a few who cry almost every practice at the things that are hard for them but I still know they absolutely love it and are eager for more. Without a doubt it is HARD and I don't know that I would be so eager to do something that made me cry, lol, but I see it quite a bit. I warn parents that there may be venting and that if they have serious concerns, please meet with me but at the most I have come out to the parents to let them know it's been a rough practice or whatever and things are fine. It does help that our gym is completely open and the parents can watch everything, they see that we are training and pushing the kids but nothing more..!
Ask her what SHE wants to do next year and let her know that whatever SHE wants out of gymnastics is fine with you, it's her journey and she's in charge. Make sure she knows your feelings and appreciation for her do not in any way hinge on her doing gymnastics (at this age, many of them still do things because they think it pleases someone else!!). Follow her lead. If she says she still wants to keep going on the team track, remind her that it will be even harder and let her know you will be there for her when she needs to vent.

 

[NutterButter]

What you describe reminds me of my DD when she took up a musical instrument. Lots of talent so a very quick learner. It took me a couple months to determine if the frustration was because of her temperament or because she just didn't like it. It was the latter.

Ask her what SHE wants to do next year and let her know that whatever SHE wants out of gymnastics is fine with you, it's her journey and she's in charge. Make sure she knows your feelings and appreciation for her do not in any way hinge on her doing gymnastics (at this age, many of them still do things because they think it pleases someone else!!). Follow her lead. If she says she still wants to keep going on the team track, remind her that it will be even harder and let her know you will be there for her when she needs to vent.

This! My DD stuck with it because she thought I wanted it. I did exactly what SurpriseGymMom suggested above and even with my support and encouragement, DD insisted that she did not want to quit music lessons even though it was so obvious that it made her miserable. It was painful for both of us.

 

[mommyof1]

Recently my daughter has been complaining a lot after practice about how the coaches don't like her, she isn't being allowed to uptrain because her L3 skills are not acceptable, she missed a skill because the bar didn't have any chalk on it/the floor wasn't springy enough/she is too small to bend the springboard/the mat was too slippery, etc. It got to the point where I requested a meeting with the coach because I was concerned that my daughter might be making excuses and not putting forth 100% effort during practice. Surprisingly, the coach assured me that she is doing everything she is asked and they are thrilled with her focus, effort, and drive to improve. So it turned out that there was nothing to worry about and she was just venting.

Like your daughter, mine is a perfectionist and has a hard time with how long it takes her to get skills. What makes it even more difficult is that everything else comes naturally to her; she just isn't used to having to work this hard or wait so long to see progress. Honestly, that's one of the big reasons we supported her desire to pursue competitive gymnastics--we wanted her to learn patience and perseverance.

If your daughter looks happy in the gym and her coaches are pleased with her work, she may just be venting to you. If that's the case, I'd encourage her to continue in the higher-level program if that's what she wants to do. She will get so much more out of it than just gymnastics skills.

 

[Taurus]

I ask my DD every once in awhile "are you having fun?" - she always replies yes. I also tell her that the whole point is to have fun & that she's in control, so it's up to her to continue - you can take a child to practice but you can't make them practice, so just let her know that she's in control of her gymnastics/ keeping the communication open but letting her be in charge will hopefully make her comfortable enough to come to you if she really wants out. But if it's making both of you miserable, then you take over, sit her down & make some tough decisions/ sounds like a good time for a pro/con list- maybe writing things down will make it clearer for both of you

 

[Sasha]

I've definitely witnessed a fair share of kids around age 7-9 (much through talking candidly with their worried / concerned parents) who fit similar patterns. A little bit with my own two.

I think 8 is right about the age kids start picking up on more cues about where they are compared to others, expectations (real or imagined) from the coach, and start internalizing some of the pressure to perform and compete well. It's also the age for many that the skills start to get harder (kip, vault table, etc...), so a perfect storm of kids trying to put it all in perspective when gymnastics used to just be all easy and fun. I'd say around this time many children are redefining what gymnastics 'is' and their identity within it. A perfectionist child, who may also be more analytical, may be using greater emotional and logical currency during this time (causing more stress, hence, the venting).

Most of them do seem to move through it, though I have seen 1 or 2 extreme cases quit. If they stick with it past that early 'bump', they will learn more patience with themselves, that the process of learning is all about making mistakes (i.e., the only way to learn), and to learn to define successes in different, more mature and nuanced ways as they see themselves, over time, achieving longer-fought goals.

And although we are not there yet, I would say that in years to come, gymnasts will again redefine what gymnastics means to them, possibly many times, as goals are made or not, injuries, growth, and puberty change their realities, friends leave, etc.

Well that took a pretty philosophical bend , there, but the short story is not to worry, but keep being a good listener to her vents, and reinforcing those positive messages about the learning process, and mostly likely all will be well

 

[auswi]

Also remember that if a sport is not the best fit for a child that some other activity maybe.
Dd would not have discovered her gym passion (& subsequent elite track training) if we had left her in the first activity she tried ☺
She fitted in a 1 hour rec class at 8 1/2 & we rolled from there.

 

[meganliz77]

I've definitely witnessed a fair share of kids around age 7-9 (much through talking candidly with their worried / concerned parents) who fit similar patterns. A little bit with my own two.

I think 8 is right about the age kids start picking up on more cues about where they are compared to others, expectations (real or imagined) from the coach, and start internalizing some of the pressure to perform and compete well. It's also the age for many that the skills start to get harder (kip, vault table, etc...), so a perfect storm of kids trying to put it all in perspective when gymnastics used to just be all easy and fun. I'd say around this time many children are redefining what gymnastics 'is' and their identity within it. A perfectionist child, who may also be more analytical, may be using greater emotional and logical currency during this time (causing more stress, hence, the venting).

Most of them do seem to move through it, though I have seen 1 or 2 extreme cases quit. If they stick with it past that early 'bump', they will learn more patience with themselves, that the process of learning is all about making mistakes (i.e., the only way to learn), and to learn to define successes in different, more mature and nuanced ways as they see themselves, over time, achieving longer-fought goals.

And although we are not there yet, I would say that in years to come, gymnasts will again redefine what gymnastics means to them, possibly many times, as goals are made or not, injuries, growth, and puberty change their realities, friends leave, etc.

Well that took a pretty philosophical bend , there, but the short story is not to worry, but keep being a good listener to her vents, and reinforcing those positive messages about the learning process, and mostly likely all will be well

I love this.

This makes complete sense to me and does help me understand what my DD is beginning to go through at this ripe old age of 8.

Beautifully written... thank you!!

 

[aquatica]

I think 8 is right about the age kids start picking up on more cues about where they are compared to others, expectations (real or imagined) from the coach, and start internalizing some of the pressure to perform and compete well. It's also the age for many that the skills start to get harder (kip, vault table, etc...), so a perfect storm of kids trying to put it all in perspective when gymnastics used to just be all easy and fun. I'd say around this time many children are redefining what gymnastics 'is' and their identity within it. A perfectionist child, who may also be more analytical, may be using greater emotional and logical currency during this time (causing more stress, hence, the venting).

You are exactly describing what's going on - she compares herself to each other kid's best and then considers herself not good enough, even though she is really good overall and has some skills where she is the best. She also seems to have a tremendous amount of anxiety about anything remotely like performing - she would be much happier if she never had to compete.

 

[aquatica]

Also remember that if a sport is not the best fit for a child that some other activity maybe.
Dd would not have discovered her gym passion (& subsequent elite track training) if we had left her in the first activity she tried ☺
She fitted in a 1 hour rec class at 8 1/2 & we rolled from there.

We had her in a mix of sports prior to starting gym - some she enjoyed but wasn't interested in doing seriously, such as swimming (fun to play in the water, not so much with swimming laps), others she hated (dance!). As she gets older, other opportunities will be available (school sports like volleyball come to mind), and maybe she will find something she likes more than gym. At least this training will prepare her well for any sport she might choose!

 

[Sasha]

You are exactly describing what's going on - she compares herself to each other kid's best and then considers herself not good enough, even though she is really good overall and has some skills where she is the best.

It is just so natural to start comparing yourself to others around this age. "Susie's the best at bars. Steven is the best at basketball. Sami is the best at Math. I'm terrible at Scrabble. etc. etc." Personally, I take a stance that comparison as simple observation and information is not inherently harmful. Saying "don't ever compare yourself to anyone" is impractical in life. Sami might very well be the best math performer at the moment - good for Sami - I don't want to dismiss or refute that observation, or diminish Sami's hard work, but at the same time, don't want my child to (wrongly) feel she is a lesser person, or 'doomed' or hate Math because Sami is having more quantifiable success in that area right now.

I do think kids this age are capable of guided conversations about what 'being better / the best' means, and why that should or shouldn't be important.

Is gymnastics only fun and worthwhile if you are winning / beating others? Why is that important or not? What should we feel when Susie hits her bar routine and gets a personal best and helps the team? Or gets her kip first? Would that make another team mate feel bad? Should it? How should others feel if you are the first or best at something?

When we see people who are great at something, is it inspiring or intimidating? Why? Is it OK to have a 'bad' practice/meet? Can all practice and meets be our 'best'? Should we only do things that we're really good at? Why or why not?

How does it feel when you had to work really hard to get a skill and you finally got it? How did that compare to when you got an easier skill? Why? Which makes you more proud of yourself? Do you feel less proud of your hard work if someone else got a skill first? etc etc.​

She also seems to have a tremendous amount of anxiety about anything remotely like performing - she would be much happier if she never had to compete.

Performing in front of an audience is tough! (Public speaking anyone??! ) Your daughter might end up in another sport for many reasons, but having anxiety about performing doesn't have to be a deal breaker for gymnastics. I think it's such great therapy in the long run, letting you experience the success of 'surviving' a situation that commonly and logically causes anxiety. I am very thankful to gymnastics for bringing out the courage to perform in my VERY spotlight-shy son. (Seriously, he was the kid who would run away if you even looked at him.) He has been able to redefine his self-perception. He no longer perceives himself as someone who is 'too scared to get out there'. I'm really amazed.

 

[Alie21]

We had her in a mix of sports prior to starting gym - some she enjoyed but wasn't interested in doing seriously, such as swimming (fun to play in the water, not so much with swimming laps), others she hated (dance!).

Wow! Our DDs would get along like a house on fire. Mine is not a fan of competing either. She struggles with some of the same stuff too - you are not alone Thanks for starting this thread - interesting. Good luck!