Parents Do you ever worry that the coach "doesn't like" your DD/DS?

[LizzieLac]

I never really gave this much thought until recently. DD says that she feels like head coach is always correcting her, much more than anyone else in her group - and really the girls are all very similar right now. Most of the repeaters are getting very similar scores.

DD feels like at practice he will tell her to fix something or that she is doing something wrong and she feels like it is unwarranted, especially when another senior coach just told her it looked good. Then, another girl will take her turn and the HC will say "good job."

I told DD that I would be worried if he told her nothing - that would make me think that he didn't care about development or that she was a lost cause, so to speak. But she feels a little beaten down and said she just wished he could balance his comments - something good and then all of the corrections. Then she said, sometimes it makes me feel like he doesn't like me.

That made me sad and mad. Have you guys ever felt this way??

 

[cbifoja]

I have always given my daughter's coach the benefit of the doubt and I still really am conflicted. I think that her coach believes in her ability as a gymnast and does a good job coaching her but I also feel like the coach doesn't likes who my child is as a person. The coach makes comments in front of me like how horrible it would be to have a gym full of kids "like Jane". Another time, while she was describing an official in a very derogatory manner, that very official came up and said some really nice things about my daughter's personality. The coach turns to me and said something like "see what I mean" to imply that anyone who liked my daughter must be cracked.

I admit that this incident REALLY hurt my feelings to the point that I began to question if this gym is the right place for us despite never feeling this way before. It has certainly made me watch practice more often than I used to so I can make sure that my child isn't being mistreated. I feel like coach is harder on my gymnast but as long as it's not abusive, I don't mind because I think that will make her a stronger person and a better gymnast.

but I admit that I am struggling with the boundary between child and gymnast. Be tough with the gymnast but kind to the child.

 

[wallinbl]

At DD's gym, the HC giving you more correction (and being more picky) than other girls means he thinks you have more potential. If he thinks a girl doesn't have high potential, he won't be overly picky or corrective of them - he'll teach them the skills, but doesn't expect perfection. If he thinks a girl can excel at level 10, he'll be very picky of her even at level 4, wanting all of the basics to be perfect so there's a solid base. But, he'll also be telling her she has high potential, so they're usually happy to be expected to meet the high standard.

 

[LizzieLac]

I have always given my daughter's coach the benefit of the doubt and I still really am conflicted. I think that her coach believes in her ability as a gymnast and does a good job coaching her but I also feel like the coach doesn't likes who my child is as a person. The coach makes comments in front of me like how horrible it would be to have a gym full of kids "like Jane". Another time, while she was describing an official in a very derogatory manner, that very official came up and said some really nice things about my daughter's personality. The coach turns to me and said something like "see what I mean" to imply that anyone who liked my daughter must be cracked.

I admit that this incident REALLY hurt my feelings to the point that I began to question if this gym is the right place for us despite never feeling this way before. It has certainly made me watch practice more often than I used to so I can make sure that my child isn't being mistreated. I feel like coach is harder on my gymnast but as long as it's not abusive, I don't mind because I think that will make her a stronger person and a better gymnast.

but I admit that I am struggling with the boundary between child and gymnast. Be tough with the gymnast but kind to the child.

I think sometimes coaches forget to put a filter on what they say. They feel close to the gymmies because of how much time they spend together and they have relationships with the parents, so they just let things that come into their heads come out of their mouths. Chalk it up to be human, I guess.

But that doesn't mean that we should allow it to be hurtful. Have you ever said anything about this to the coach?

 

[okie]

Gymnastics coaches are very mysterious, it seems. My DD's new coach is positive and supportive but very strict and picky about every little detail. I have no clue regarding her opinion of my daughter on a personal level. A while ago (before moving up) my DD did one private with her and afterwards she commented on my DD's age in such a way that I couldn't tell if She was pleasantly or unpleasantly surprised by her skills and focus at 6 yo. I guess it was a compliment since she made team, but genuinely could not tell at the time.

I would probably not tolerate derogatory comments about my dd unless they were wel founded and constructive... I would also not appreciate the sarcasm, unless it was in jest which it doesnt sound like it was. I am not the type to speak out or raise a stink, but I might look for a better fit for my daughter, unless advancement was imminent or my dd was happy/unphased. Once comments like that are made there is no going back. Even if coach apologized, true feelings have been made known. That is a tough situation! Yuk! Our gym is fairly small so the coaches stay with the girls in some capacity for many levels. So a coach's negative attiude would really affect her.

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[thefellowsmom]

At DD's gym, the HC giving you more correction (and being more picky) than other girls means he thinks you have more potential. If he thinks a girl doesn't have high potential, he won't be overly picky or corrective of them - he'll teach them the skills, but doesn't expect perfection. If he thinks a girl can excel at level 10, he'll be very picky of her even at level 4, wanting all of the basics to be perfect so there's a solid base. But, he'll also be telling her she has high potential, so they're usually happy to be expected to meet the high standard.

This is how it is for us. My dd always feels like the expectations for her are different and more strict than for most of the other girls in her group. Sometimes she gets frustrated that she gets "yelled at" for things the other girls get praised for.

So as her mom, I just try to remind her again and again that this means that they think she is really good and has great potential. I tell her if she wasn't working hard and taking corrections then they would be ignoring her so a lot of corrections means your doing a really good job.

She has really embraced this and now comes home excited when the coach is extra hard on her. She has also noticed that she gets to work more one on one with the coach and learn new skills more quickly and so the cycle is starting to feed on itself and she is getting the positive feedback she needs to know she is headed in the right direction.

Our coaches are also very affectionate and loving with the girls. There is no doubt that they are invested and care about the girls.

Now, there are definitely going to be girls that the coaches connect more with or less. They are human after all. Sometimes these things work themselves out though. It may be that they are having a hard time communicating or connecting. We had this situation and I feel very lucky that the coach kept trying and so did my daughter and they eventually got through it and now are a great coach/gymnast team. Sometimes time is the best medicine as long as the situation isn't unhealthy.

I do think that the behavior that cbifoja is talking about (putting your dd down in front of you) is totally unacceptable and would really bother me as well. It is one thing to come have a private conversation with you about how issues with her personality my affect her gymnastics or may be disruptive in the gym, but that seems very unprofessional and possibly harmful to your daughter over the long haul. I hope that you can work that out for you and your daughter and I'm sorry your dealing with that.

 

[GymMom67]

My DD tends to get her feelings hurt with one of her coaches a lot, but I have never heard the coach speak to her in a hateful tone of voice, or say hurtful things. I think my DD just doesn't like to be corrected! LOL I have told her that it is the coach's job to help her be the very best that she can be, and that means correcting things she sees that need to be improved upon, even if they are small things. I told her that correcting the small things will help her get an even better score and will only help her in the long run. I can definitely see how it would be harder if the coach never said anything positive, though.

 

[LizzieLac]

This is how it is for us. My dd always feels like the expectations for her are different and more strict than for most of the other girls in her group. Sometimes she gets frustrated that she gets "yelled at" for things the other girls get praised for.

So as her mom, I just try to remind her again and again that this means that they think she is really good and has great potential. I tell her if she wasn't working hard and taking corrections then they would be ignoring her so a lot of corrections means your doing a really good job.

This is a good point I think I overlooked. My DD is the oldest of the level 5s and the examples she gives of other girls not getting corrected, they are often 10. My DD tends to "understand" finer points of body position which I think has been because she is older than some the girls she trains with that are our point of comparison. So maybe it is an age thing or maturity thing to an extent. I will have point this out to her as well.

Hopefully, she doesn't let this bother her too much. And I realize that sometimes coaches click with certain girls better than others, but I would think good coaches are able to be consistent. As long as they are not putting DD down, I would be looking for the input as I wouldn't want them to just overlook her and say good job all the time.

It must be tough to balance.

 

[skschlag]

Our coach is hard on D. We know that. He can even fuss at him, right in the gym!!! (LOL) He does say things like..."well, he was just being D today." Which I know means that he was unfocused and unable to make corrections. D gets in trouble. He has to do pushups, arm circles, v-ups or even sit out. He has been booted from practice twice. I have never thought that the coach didn't like him.

Now, I think if he were calling him names, or being dismissive of him, that would bother me more. Basically letting things go because he didn't care. To me, that is worse than a coach being hard on a kid. That menas that don't care at all, whereas being hard on a gymnast shows that they do care not only about their development as a gymnast but also their development as a person.

If you feel it crossed a line, you have to talk to the coach. People hear things differently, and may take things out of context. You have to check to see that your perception of what is going on is what happened. I have had to do that before, resulting in some quite comical situations.

 

[iwannacoach]

DD says that she feels like head coach is always correcting her, much more than anyone else in her group - and really the girls are all very similar right now. Most of the repeaters are getting very similar scores.

Good coaches put out a lot of effort, and often have to direct their energy to make the best use of each child's state of readiness (think big picture), and that means an appropriate, different approach to each kid. Granted, many of them need and are ready for the same thing, but there always seems to be kids, outside that box, who need an individualized approach. These are generally kids at opposite ends of the scale...... very ready and/or able, and not so ready/or so able.

What you'll find is the kids who seem more capable of absorbing and using information are going to hear from the coach more frequently, while the kids who are less gifted will grind along processing the information they got two days ago because they need more time. So figure the barrage of corrections as a complement to your child's recognized potential, and realize that some kids are praised to keep them plugging along and motivated.

She feels like at practice he will tell her to fix something or that she is doing something wrong and she feels like it is unwarranted, especially when another senior coach just told her it looked good. Then, another girl will take her turn and the HC will say "good job."

The other senior coach may be less absorbed with your dd's "moment" and notices the other coach narrowed in on corrections, and fills in the gap with a compliment. Likely causing the other coach to refrain from praise just to keep the "moment" going.

I told DD that I would be worried if he told her nothing - that would make me think that he didn't care about development or that she was a lost cause, so to speak.

Good observation......

You went on to say she's feeling a little beat down. I doubt the coach's intentions are anything other than to get her as far along in the off season as possible, and can't see what's going on with your dd. If you feel your child is old enough....... encourage her to "sit him down" for a chat about how learning skills isn't always enough to satisfy her need for a little external praise. I've had kids do that for me, and they've always been acknowledged for their confidence and initiative, and when they've made a valid point we proceed together to work on a solution.

 

[Empowered]

One of my daughter's coaches doesn't like her, or me for that matter. And I am not being paranoid, she has told me this to my face.

There was a short period where she would not coach my daughter. She has moved past that but still will literally not say a word to me. It is hurtful and disrespectful but it is what it is.

As long as my daughter is being coached I deal with it. It's a good lesson for real life... Because some people just don't like you no matter what you do.

 

[mommyof1]

I told DD that I would be worried if he told her nothing - that would make me think that he didn't care about development or that she was a lost cause, so to speak. But she feels a little beaten down and said she just wished he could balance his comments - something good and then all of the corrections. Then she said, sometimes it makes me feel like he doesn't like me.

That made me sad and mad. Have you guys ever felt this way??

Like you, I am more worried about my daughter not getting enough corrections than getting too many. There are a couple of girls in her preteam group who appear to have been written off by the head preteam coach as lost causes for various reasons, and I don't want her to be one of them.

But I think anyone who has ever had a tough boss can empathize with your daughter. Sometimes it's nice to be reminded that you are basically doing a good job!

 

[flgymmom]

When my DD first started in rec gym a couple years ago she didn't want to go to gym on Wednesday nights. I wondered and to be honest I was concerned... worried about physically things... like abuse.

Well, when I sat down and talked to her about it, turned out she didn't like this one coach because he was "mean". He is a russian guy and he is loud and gruff about things. She thought he was yelling at her and the other kids when really he was just loud. So, I brought her into the gym we sat and had a long talk with the gym owner and he explained to her about "russians"... so sorry if this offends but this was the only way he could get this across to her... and how they are loud and how they think american's are wimps lolol and he is trying to toughing up and make her the very best she can be... and he asked her.. "do you want to be the best" she smiled and said YES. he said well... lets go then. so we headed into the them and this coach yelled out.. hey savannah, where have you been all night ! lolol

after that she never has had any issues with him.... she knows he is loud and they have a very mutual respect for him now.

sorry for the long story... but yes i think that we all feel this way in general sometimes and definetly kids feel that way especially when they are working so hard and possibly feel like they might not be getting out of their performance what they want.

i would say def let the coach know that she is feeling a bit hard hit sometimes and she needs a confidence boost !!! it will definetely help her !!

 

[LizzieLac]

One of my daughter's coaches doesn't like her, or me for that matter. And I am not being paranoid, she has told me this to my face.

There was a short period where she would not coach my daughter. She has moved past that but still will literally not say a word to me. It is hurtful and disrespectful but it is what it is.

As long as my daughter is being coached I deal with it. It's a good lesson for real life... Because some people just don't like you no matter what you do.

I agree - sometimes people don't like other people. And I really don't care if a coach likes me - I am an adult. I also think kids understand other kids not liking them, but it is a hard thing for a kid to understand that sometimes an adult might not like a child.

I guess you didn't feel like you needed to leave that gym, huh?

 

[suebee]

I think it has to do with the child as well. One of my kids (not in gymnastics) never takes criticism or correction personally. He also isn't bothered by loud voices or even yelling. None of it really phases him.

My dd (on preteam) is the opposite. If she isn't being praised, a lot, she assumes she is not good at whatever. If she gets corrections, she makes them, but concludes she is the worst at whatever. She doesn't show externally that there's a problem, but she internalizes everything. If someone raised their voice at her, she'd think that person was yelling at her and hates her and want to avoid them.

I think it's personality.

 

[Aussie_coach]

The reality is that coaches are human, and all humans are drawn to some people and not to others. Coaches do have favourites and any who say they don't is either in denial or lying. Because people do prefer some people over others, often for no logical reason.

The art of good coaching is to make sure the gymnasts have no idea who the favourites are or not, but a lot of coaches are not even aware that they have these preferences.

why not talk to your DD about what it would be like to be a coach and have her imagine she was a coach and what she would look for in a gymnast. You can compile a list together such as wearing the right training gear, always being on time, putting in 100% effort each training, trying to apply corrections and she could choose something from the list to work on each week. Even if this makes no difference to the coaches feelings about her it will make her a better gymnast.

 

[Empowered]

I guess you didn't feel like you needed to leave that gym, huh?

Leaving due to our circumstances is not an option. My daughter is tough and she has learned to deal with it. Some days it bothers her more than others but she just tries to work through it.

Some coaches are just like this and this particular coach is what she is and she isn't going to change. My daughter knows she isn't the only one who feels this coach's wrath.

We just talk to her a lot about what she can control, working hard, focus, effort. All of that is in her hands, but someone's opinion of her isn't so don't waste energy trying to change it.

 

[Committed]

I can't say I've ever felt that a coach didn't like DD. However, she has felt that they are sometimes too hard on her, but has never felt disliked.

 

[gymmiemom]

I have never felt like the coach has disliked DD. I have seen the frustration and annoyance on her face some days though. In all fairness, DD is very hard headed and makes me want to rip my hair out some days as well. She's also a full two years younger then the rest of the team girls, so sometimes the coach has to take the time to explain something a different way to make sure my DD comprehends what they are supposed to be doing. For example: About 3 months after DD moved up to team, I realized that everytime the coach told her to make something "tight" DD looked confused. When I asked her at the end of practice if she even knew what tight meant, she didn't LOL. Her coach laughed and took the time to explain it to her. She had just turned 6 at the time

But all in all I have never worried that the coach doesn't like her. I have worried a lot more about the fact that some days my DD is just a "pill." But she's getting better the older she gets. I'm hoping that 7 is the magical age

 

[Committed]

I have never felt like the coach has disliked DD. I have seen the frustration and annoyance on her face some days though. In all fairness, DD is very hard headed and makes me want to rip my hair out some days as well. She's also a full two years younger then the rest of the team girls, so sometimes the coach has to take the time to explain something a different way to make sure my DD comprehends what they are supposed to be doing. For example: About 3 months after DD moved up to team, I realized that everytime the coach told her to make something "tight" DD looked confused. When I asked her at the end of practice if she even knew what tight meant, she didn't LOL. Her coach laughed and took the time to explain it to her. She had just turned 6 at the time

But all in all I have never worried that the coach doesn't like her. I have worried a lot more about the fact that some days my DD is just a "pill." But she's getting better the older she gets. I'm hoping that 7 is the magical age

^^ DD was once called a "wobbly fish" by her coach (rec gym). She cried so hard in the car because her coach was calling her names! She didn't know it was an instruction!