Ever run into resentment from parents or kids to new kids moving up?

[lhmom]

Back to the OP, of course there will be parents that compare their kid etc. and may not be so happy if they are not moving as quickly as another gymnast. However, each gymnast is unique and needs to move through the levels at whatever rate is appropriate for them. Case in point I have a friend whose dd was on pre-team forever... 3 years. Girls kept getting moved to team but not her daughter. She stayed there and worked on basic skills. The next summer they finally moved her to level 4. She competed level 4 in the fall scored 38 AA won state, competed level 5 in the spring and within 1 year was an accomplished level 6 gymnast caught up to all those girls who fast-tracked. She never felt rushed to learn skills, because she had basics and for her it was the right decision, some kids need to move fast others slow.
Parents need to look at the big picture. Slow and steady (with good form) wins the race....

This is something that one of the gym moms pointed out to us "newbies" early on. Unfortunately with human nature, you'll always run into those parents who feel like your child's "success" reflects badly on their own child. If it were me, as long as my daughter's teammates are supportive of her, I can ignore the pettiness of others.

 

[gymmomntc2e6]

I have watched several girls pass my DD. Would I like for her to be moving with the pack, sure. Is it her fault, no, she tries & loves gymnastics. Is it the other girls fault? no, they are either more talented or work harder or both or whatever. Is it the parents fault? No.

The problem is that parents are so competitive that they cannot stand for someone elses kid to be better than theirs. Sure, we all want our kid to be the best but, it is sure not going to be the case most of the time. We need to be grown-ups and act like grown ups. Let our kids have their sport, progress at their pace and be proud of them and support them whether they skip levels or repeat levels. We need to teach them that it is ok of someone passes them by and that it is no excsuse to be a little turd to that person. They learn from us. Chances are if the parent is being a jerk about it then they are voicing this to their kid and their kid is going to be a jerk about it.

I recommend killing them with kindness or bringing your Ipod & earbuds and ignoring.

 

[MdGymMom01]

I too have watched many girls (some of which are much younger) pass my dd in skills and levels. Gymnastics is a funny thing, because you never know what will happen and "who will win the race" at the end so to speak. My dd came to gymnastics late as a 9 YO and was on pre-team for about 5 weeks. I am sure there was some resentment because she was asked to joine level 4 after such a short time, and even more resentment when she was one of the high scorers for the team that year. But, things never stay the same and things are always changing. For my dd--fear set in which stalled her progression. It was a bit hard to watch her teammates get moved up when she was left behind, but it was the best thing for my dd in regards to her skills and where she was going with her sport. So, I now never look too far down the road for my dd's gymnastics journey, because most of the time you can't really see too far in front of you. She is very content with where she is and is being challenged in the gym with her workouts. I've learned to let go of the competitiveness of the sport and really try and enjoy gymnastics as an artform that is always ever-changing, but always entertaining. Yes, it is nice when I see my dd on the podium, but I enjoy her performances a whole lot more.

I think there will always be resentment if you continue to look at gymnastics as a "better, more, worse, and less" type of situation. Each gymnast has their own unique qualities and traits, so why does someone have to be "better" than someone else?? If you let go of the scoring of the sport (I know that is hard to do especially because that is what gymnastics is), there isn't so much of a comparison factor.

I think another thing that causes so much jealosy and resentment is the fact that in gymnastics, there is an end goal for most gymnasts--Level 10, Elite or the Olympics. It's like a giant race, and everyone is trying to get to that goal the fastest. But, in their rushing, you lose a lot of the excitement and glory that is achieved along the way.

I will end with a favorite scene from one of my favorite movies:
[video=youtube;XRShWun7Mc4]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XRShWun7Mc4[/video]

 

[twoofthem]

Let me clarify- I have two gymnast, my first paragraph I was speaking of my older dd and my second my youngest. I have a current lvl 6 who works privately with the hc, mostly on bars. He is the bars coach and yes I fully understand that many things can and often do happen and I'm ok with that. Given a perfect world, her caliber gymnastics and rate of progression is such that if she continued on this path he has feel strongly that a level a year is very doable for her. She has been doing gymnastics for 2.5yr and has come far quickly. No, they do not pull her out to work on things at all. She has worked with him when her lvl isn't there but there are girls always at the gym, people coming and going so it can be easy that things get around. My dd respects her talent and her team mates enough that she doesn't discuss the skills she has or has worked on outside of practice-she is very humble. But since the beginning there were mumbles that she didn't have the 'right' to be there because she didn't do it the right way. Add that to scoring above the kids who did do it the 'right' way...well parents don't necessary like that. We are pretty balanced in regards to our feeling and expectations of this sport, I was merely explaining our situation, experiences and the potential for resentment if my dd continues doing gymnastics the way she has.

As far as my little one who is basicly a lvl 3-her basics are down pat, we are not a small gym, we are a big gym with lots of college scholarships and a top heavy optional team so she is being taught correctly. She just has more opportunity than others to work on higher level skills and they don’t want her to get bored. Yes, she can do a fly away and as the coach said "she does it better them some of my current lvl 6's", this is the lvl 6 coach who coached last years lvl 6's to an undefeated year so she has to be doing something right. And no, she is not pulled out to do any of this during practice she does this stuff while I am working.

 

[Blackie6]

I have watched several girls pass my DD. Would I like for her to be moving with the pack, sure. Is it her fault, no, she tries & loves gymnastics. Is it the other girls fault? no, they are either more talented or work harder or both or whatever. Is it the parents fault? No.

The problem is that parents are so competitive that they cannot stand for someone elses kid to be better than theirs. Sure, we all want our kid to be the best but, it is sure not going to be the case most of the time. We need to be grown-ups and act like grown ups. Let our kids have their sport, progress at their pace and be proud of them and support them whether they skip levels or repeat levels. We need to teach them that it is ok of someone passes them by and that it is no excsuse to be a little turd to that person. They learn from us. Chances are if the parent is being a jerk about it then they are voicing this to their kid and their kid is going to be a jerk about it.

I recommend killing them with kindness or bringing your Ipod & earbuds and ignoring.

I have to agree with this! I think the jealousy you experience will be mostly in the lower levels. Once you've put a couple years in the sport you will see many pass you by & get used to it. The girls also get used to it & know that some are just more talented than others and will progress faster/slower. I happen to be amazed at some of the talented little ones who walk right into the gym and move up right past my own DD who's be plugging along for 4 years. They have a god given talent, you have to just appreciate it!

 

[Trixiebelle]

This was a very interesting thread as it is what dd is going through now. DD is 10 and recently moved from L5 to L6 mid season.

In late Nov. DD was told to order grips and HC took her measurements and told me what to order. When the grips came in DD was so excited to begin using them but her team mates were vicious. They said nasty, cruel things like "why would you want grips, you are going to break your arm" and "glad you got grips - your bar scores will stink at the next meet. The jealousy was so overwhelming that I called the HC to ask for some help. HC replied that she knew DD was ready so why not move her to L6 now.

DD is thrilled to be training with the L6's now, but seeing as she was preregistered for the meets, she is still competing L5. And the tension is awful. She cried after the last meet as her former team mates were really unkind. After scoring a 9.425 on beam, one team mate said "no way should you have gotten that score, your routine was barely a 9". DD is bewildered by the nastiness and so am I. I was hoping DD was exagerating a bit, but I received a call from a L5 parent to let me know she had heard her DD and another team mate talking about how mean everyone is being to DD and she apologized to me that it turned so ugly.

This whole turn of events has made DD question why she does gymnastics. She adores her new team mates and has made her L6 routines but the nastiness and how quickly her team mates turned on her has taken away so much of the joy she felt in her accomplishments.

It is hard for her week after week to compete with the girls as the nastiness starts anew each weekend. Instead of celebrating a personal best last weekend, she cried that she had no one to celebrate with. It breaks my heart because i really don't know how to help her. I am so proud of how she handles herself though and will continue to tell her to clap loudly and to smile for her team mates.

Mom to Trixiebell

 

[Megley]

Wow, these posts make me very glad that we are in a gym where all the kids are pretty nice and there isn't this kind of nastiness. Not that my dd is a prodigy or anybody would be jealous of her, but we do have at least one girl at our gym who is just that (and recently skipped from L7 to L9) and nobody has said anything mean or spiteful to her parents. She is a great kid and her teammates all like her. I think most everybody recognizes that she is insanely talented and are happy for her and awed by her talent.

I just cannot imagine a gym where girls acted like they do in the post by Trixiebell. Thank goodness we seem to be relatively free free of nutty parents and mean girls. Perhaps it is more pronounced at the lower levels? I think by the time the kids get into upper optionals, most parents and kids have gotten a dose of reality.

 

[Coacharella]

This was a very interesting thread as it is what dd is going through now. DD is 10 and recently moved from L5 to L6 mid season.

In late Nov. DD was told to order grips and HC took her measurements and told me what to order. When the grips came in DD was so excited to begin using them but her team mates were vicious. They said nasty, cruel things like "why would you want grips, you are going to break your arm" and "glad you got grips - your bar scores will stink at the next meet. The jealousy was so overwhelming that I called the HC to ask for some help. HC replied that she knew DD was ready so why not move her to L6 now.

DD is thrilled to be training with the L6's now, but seeing as she was preregistered for the meets, she is still competing L5. And the tension is awful. She cried after the last meet as her former team mates were really unkind. After scoring a 9.425 on beam, one team mate said "no way should you have gotten that score, your routine was barely a 9". DD is bewildered by the nastiness and so am I. I was hoping DD was exagerating a bit, but I received a call from a L5 parent to let me know she had heard her DD and another team mate talking about how mean everyone is being to DD and she apologized to me that it turned so ugly.

This whole turn of events has made DD question why she does gymnastics. She adores her new team mates and has made her L6 routines but the nastiness and how quickly her team mates turned on her has taken away so much of the joy she felt in her accomplishments.

It is hard for her week after week to compete with the girls as the nastiness starts anew each weekend. Instead of celebrating a personal best last weekend, she cried that she had no one to celebrate with. It breaks my heart because i really don't know how to help her. I am so proud of how she handles herself though and will continue to tell her to clap loudly and to smile for her team mates.

Mom to Trixiebell

I was about to type "unbelievable", but the sad thing is.. it's believable. And nasty.

I am sorry this has happened and good luck explaining to your daughter (who clearly sounds talented), that she cannot control other's nasty actions. Poor thing is questioning her decision to be in gymnastics now...now that's a shame.

 

[Coacharella]

In a perfect world each parent would only care about the progress of their OWN child. That is very rare, however.

I wish parents would realize that each kid is really different. Like another poster mentioned, each athlete progresses at a different rate through each level.
If your child is a 5 year old prodigy, that does not necessarily mean he or she will be the stand out kid as a 9 or 10 year old. Other kids catch up, skills even out. A fast start does not always mean a great ending.

Slow, safe, and steady!!

 

[lilgymmie7]

I have to agree with this! I think the jealousy you experience will be mostly in the lower levels. Once you've put a couple years in the sport you will see many pass you by & get used to it. The girls also get used to it & know that some are just more talented than others and will progress faster/slower. I happen to be amazed at some of the talented little ones who walk right into the gym and move up right past my own DD who's be plugging along for 4 years. They have a god given talent, you have to just appreciate it!

This last part should be blown up and put into every gym. When DD was moved up, the coaches had to approach me to as they put it 'warn' me that some parents would be upset and I would definitely hear from some of them. They were right. A particular mother who BTW her DD was also moved up, had quite a lot to say! Why was my DD moved up? She has no business training with the 5/6's, etc. Whatever! The validating part was that the parents/girls that were already on the 5/6 team had nothing but positive comments about DD, and we even found a carpool right away. DD holds her own. She is the youngest and it was quite interesting to watch this same mom eye DD at her first meet this weekend. The tension has leveled out a bit, but she may have been a little 'happy' when DD missed the squat on on bars. DD was okay, and has gone back to practice on a mission. The coaches all love DD and push her to reach her potential, and really that is all I can hope for. Crazy parents are everywhere!
Blackie, I have always looked at the talented -any-age gymnast/athlete with awe. How can a parent seriously become that involved that they feel they need to put a child down. The unfortunate circumstance with the crazy from DD's gym is that her DD is really unfolding into a beautiful gymnast. She struggles some, but she works doubly hard and is always so serious. DD has said that she is so nice to her. However, at the meet, her mom said "This is our last year. We are moving to cheerleading." Her DD really looks like she loves gym. It is a shame all around!

 

[lilgymmie7]

"I think there will always be resentment if you continue to look at gymnastics as a "better, more, worse, and less" type of situation. Each gymnast has their own unique qualities and traits, so why does someone have to be "better" than someone else?? If you let go of the scoring of the sport (I know that is hard to do especially because that is what gymnastics is), there isn't so much of a comparison factor.

I think another thing that causes so much jealosy and resentment is the fact that in gymnastics, there is an end goal for most gymnasts--Level 10, Elite or the Olympics. It's like a giant race, and everyone is trying to get to that goal the fastest. But, in their rushing, you lose a lot of the excitement and glory that is achieved along the way." borrowed from MDGYMMOM-
You just answered my question. I think some parents are concerned with numbers far too much and who is better, great, etc. as if this or gymnastics could be any indication as to "Who" they themselves are. It in a sense is a defining moment for them as individuals and NOT what their child loves and enjoys. Once the entire scenerio is put into perspective and the realization that we love our children for who they are and not what they do, I think all is well then. Convincing that the grass isn't always greener on the other side is tough though and probably impossible. To each their own, and I pray the little ones don't get impacted with the pettiness and nastiness. Trixibelle, I wish you all of the best, and encourage your DD to just do her best and not worry about what negativity goes on around her. If gym makes her happy, that is all that should matter!

 

[Tumblequeensmom]

I also think that as your DD moves up levels, a lot of this pettiness seems to dissipate. You begin to realize that there is ALWAYS someone bigger and better... and some of the craziness seems to work itself out.

 

[bogwoppit]

I totally agree that the jealousy stuff goes away once you get away from the lower levels. Parents either drop out of the sport with their overwhelmed kids or they learn to relax and let it be.

After having a kid in the gym for 11 years I don't even watch the other kids when I go to the gym, in fact I don't even watch mine. The coaches do their job, they are kind to my kid and I can add nothing to it! I see the noob parents watching every move and checking every score, I laugh inside, but it really doesn't bother me.

As for Trixiebelles experience, I would be getting back to the coaches, that is beyond unacceptable. If the coaches cannot contrl the team I would be telling them that I would sit with the girls to make sure they keep a civil mouth! Obnoxious little brats.

 

[Coacharella]

Yes it definitely DOES fade out as kids grow up. However, as a coach with a fondess for the little ones, I have seen lots of this.

And it does spread to the athletes. The kids catch on. I had a gymnast ask me in a private lesson last week if she could work back lays because her Mom and Dad told her that another girl in the group worked back lays last week. Ummm...why are Mom and Dad discussing other kids' private lessons with her anyway?

 

[Tumblequeensmom]

... and this is a tad bit off topic, but not much... talking about jealousies and overzealous parents. At my DD's last HIGH SCHOOL meet, of all things, there was a dad standing right in front of me, from a high school out of our district taking down scores of every single competing gymnast!! OMG!! I wanted to kick him off the bleacher!!! Seriously. Didn't he get over this YEARS ago? I mean, if you're so busy keeping track of every single gymnasts' score for every single event, how do you even get to enjoy watching your own dd and her team? And it is a HIGH SCHOOL team... most of these girls are doing this for fun, and it's not a high profile sport by any means (at least where I am). It just seemed a bit crazed to me.

 

[NGL780309]

I think in some cases the coaches can add to the resentment. Please don't take that the wrong way coaches, but some coaches have obvious favorites and parents see it and kids see it. In theory everyone should get the same amount of attention if everyone pays the same amount, but I understand why it doesn't always work that way. It's fun when you are on the favorite side, which DD is at the moment, but it adds to the problem. I had a dad tell me at the gym tonight that his wife is a little upset because my DD seems to be getting more attention from the coaches and they moved her up to a higher group. I was surprised he told me that, even though I had already sensed it. He said the way he looked at it was that when their DD develops a work ethic maybe she would get more attention. He remarked that he noticed his DD is always playing around and doing things sloppy and he noticed that my DD is usually working hard and trying to do things correctly. It was a nice that instead of resenting me or my child that he was honest and understanding.

 

[lilgymmie7]

Yes it definitely DOES fade out as kids grow up. However, as a coach with a fondess for the little ones, I have seen lots of this.

And it does spread to the athletes. The kids catch on. I had a gymnast ask me in a private lesson last week if she could work back lays because her Mom and Dad told her that another girl in the group worked back lays last week. Ummm...why are Mom and Dad discussing other kids' private lessons with her anyway?

Whoah! How does another parent see/watch someone else's private?
DD's beam coach called her a 'competitor' at her first meet. She said that DD now knows what she has to fix after that first meet this past weekend. How does her coach know her better than me I have to ask? Like usual, today when I walked into DD's gym I stopped to check her mail box for any notes or the "BILL" and low and behold what do I find? But a note written in DD's hand asking for a private. " to Mom, I think I need a privite with 'Dug' (Doug)" When I asked why she 'thinks' she needs a private she said, " I need to get better. I arch my back too much."
Should I be worried? She is only 7. I hope to goodness, this doesn't open up anything. Most parents are pretty geniune with DD and are quite taken with her personality. They call her the baby, but they are amazed with how she handles things. I really hope it stays that way. DD is surely so much more focused after that first meet just a few days ago. I thought she was so much more easy going. Now, I am beginning to think that her coach has her pegged better than I do! What could be next?

 

[Tumblequeensmom]

Whoah! How does another parent see/watch someone else's private?

Privates are not "private," per se. Every gym in my area where private lessons are offered actually take place right in full view of everyone in the gym.

 

[AGM78910]

Preventing jealousy and resentment

At my daughter's gym, the skills for moving up are posted on a sheet and put on the bulletin board. This sheet is visible for all to see. Gymnasts are tested monthly and have to prove that they can perform that skill consistently. The skill is then marked off on the sheet by the coach. They can also ask to be tested on the skill at any time.

Kids who have the skills move up and those who don't stay where they are. This prevents favoritism and gives the gymmies a clear picture of where they are and also is a good visual aid for the coaches. And parents can't argue with it because it is a fair system.

 

[Coacharella]

I am not sure how these parents even know what we worked on during our private lesson. They were not in the gym at the time, but clearly somebody told them? Maybe the mother of the child having the private, but I cannot see her doing that, but it is a possibility. Coulda been anyone in the gym at the time, the question is .. WHY discuss it?