Parents First Year On Team, First Meet… At Her Old Gym

[NY Dad]

As usual, I had planned to write a short and concise post and ended up writing a book . Sorry in advance.

I just received some team information (How cool is that?! Team! & Information!) Before they can compete, each of the new team girls (including my dd) has to pass skills tests in each event (I assume this is just a formality?) and there are still roughly three months before her first home meet (a practice?). A week later, she has a real meet… at her old gym . I know it’s very early for me to start worrying about this but I’m concerned about how she might react to being in her old gym, seeing her old coaches, seeing and possibly competing against some of her old pre-teammates.

Here’s some background info…
After nine months on pre-team at her old gym, my dd was formally evaluated for team. She was rerouted to advanced rec even though, objectively ( joke ), she should have made team and she wanted to compete. Her coach is wasn't current skills, strength or flexibility, he said that she needed to get herself past her fears so that they can coach her ! With the guidance of CBers, in July, we found another gym/coach/team that wanted my dd. She had a bumpy start to summer training but right now things at her new gym are going great!

The last two weeks at the old gym…
A few days after we found out that her old (at the time, current) gym was rerouting her, she started what ended up being two weeks of “gymnastics camp” there (This is their version of summer training but it's opened to anyone not already on the team). (I had initially planned for her to spend most of her summer there).

I was frantically looking for both a new gym (for a team) and new summer camp/plans for her to do something during the day . Since she doesn’t discuss much with me, I didn’t even realize the issues she was dealing with at gymnastics camp until the first week was over and she strongly resisted going back for a second week. Before gymnastics camp started she loved going to gymnastics.

At gymnastics camp more than one of the girls that was moving onto team (that she had considered her friend) started to ridicule her (in her eyes the coaches weren’t doing anything about this) . I had been told that the training groups were based strictly on skills but each day the new team girls were pulled out of their groups to hang out with the team while the other kids (including my dd) were directed to do crafts, swim or other non-gymnastics activities . By the end of the two weeks, she said that she never wanted to go back there again. I believe that this could have easily been the end of her gymnastics career. And, had it not been for CB I wouldn’t have seen it coming. Luckily, before the last day of gymnastics camp she was offered a spot on the team at her current gym .

Several weeks after she started at her new gym she commented to me that the coaches at her old gym didn’t want her. I pointed out how great it is that she’s now with coaches that chose her and who believe that she can/will succeed.

Thanks in advance for any advice.

 

[munchkin3]

How old is your DD? Just curious.....Im asking because gymnastics is brutal. Coaches can be brutal. Girls can be very competitive......the quicker she can get used to the toughness of it, the better......
Please don't take this the wrong way.....we have 15 yo girls that still go home and complain to their parents that the coach was mean and doesn't like them etc....

 

[2gymkids]

I would try your best to talk to her about using this opportunity to see old friends (sounds like there was one mean girl but surely she liked others) and to show off everything she's learned to her old coaches, in a positive way. Tell her it's an advantage to being at that gym because she's familiar with the surroundings and the equipment, and that the familiarity will help with her first real meet. It may be tough but you have to sell it to her as a positive thing.
That being said, be prepared. You didn't say how the old gym took it when you left, but some coaches take things personally and may have told the girls not to talk to former teammates. Ridiculous, but it is what it is. Tell her to hold her head high and have fun no matter what happens.

 

[QueenBee]

I think it is time for tough love here.

You are way overthinking this issue. It's my understanding that your daughter is competing IGC Copper, and that her teammates at the old gym were routed into JO 3. She won't be competing against her old teammates, they are in different streams. And, your new gym will be taking care of your daughter at this meet. She won't be interacting with the old coaches/teammates unless someone goes out of their way to do so. Trust that her new coaches know what they are doing and that she will be fine going to one meet at her old gym. She is there to compete, her focus should be on her competition.

Gymnasts leave gyms, coaches leave gyms, the gym world is a small one...everybody in this situation has dealt with these issues. If you treat it like no big deal, it probably won't be a big deal.

Also, you (as the parent) need to let what happened at the old gym go. I remember this whole story when it was happening and many of us tried to tell you to leave that gym way before you made the decision. It seems like you feel guilty about not getting her out of the old gym and are still processing that. Frankly, it is time for you to accept that you probably did mess up, you left her there way longer than you should have...and you were making the best decisions you could at the time. The old gym messed up too...many of us could see that in real time and tried to tell you to leave. Guess what? You got to the point where you did leave and you are happier where you and your daughter are now, yes? You fixed what you could...and now you need to let. it. go.

The old gym may never see what they did was wrong, heck they may feel they did everything right. They might be happy that you finally realized they were telling you that they didn't believe in your child and didn't want to coach her. At the end of the day...who cares? You aren't going to change them, you aren't going to be able to fix them. But you need to move on because there is no reason to still be thinking about old gym. It's over.

 

[RTT2]

I mean this in the kindest way possible: "don't borrow trouble". She'll be fine, you'll be fine. Just cheer her on and have fun!

 

[MILgymFAM]

Meh. I'll post in the minority here and say that you may be right that it'll be a big deal to your DD. I would confront that head on and talk to her about it. I know that my DD, who is significantly older than yours, had a REALLY rough time when her first meet for her new gym was at her old gym. She was a mess before hand- and the kids there were still her good friends. The old coach did such a number on her that she was a nervous wreck. We talked it through and gave her lots of emotional support and it ended up all that much sweeter when she came in first place on two events. I hope your DD gets through it with a smile no matter her placements, and the people from the old gym are mature and classy about it.

 

[mommyof1]

She won't be competing against her old teammates, they are in different streams. And, your new gym will be taking care of your daughter at this meet. She won't be interacting with the old coaches/teammates unless someone goes out of their way to do so.

I would emphasize this. Your daughter is unlikely to interact with anyone she knows from the previous gym. The surroundings will even look somewhat different to her, as the equipment is likely to be moved for the competition and there will probably be viewing areas set up on the gym floor. Your daughter will be concentrating on her own team and her own coaches. My daughter will sometimes make comments about not wanting to be in the same meet session as the team from her old gym, but when it does happen she doesn't actually pay much attention to her old team and it doesn't faze her at all. This is a good opportunity for your daughter to practice focusing on her own performance and on being a good teammate, not on scores or placements or external distractions.

 

[duyetanh]

To be homest? Given her age, and all she has gone through with this sport in such a short span of time?
I would not even go there until after the skills testing and it is official she is competing. As in for sure. Then you talk about the excitement of the first meet, take pics in the leo, deal with the hair debacle, and ask her if she has any concerns. Go from there. If she says it makes her uncomfortable going to this meet, you can acknowledge her concerns but say that there are many challenges in life and best to face them head on, not run from them and avoid them. It might not even be the same coaches there, and it definitely wont be the same kids who were tracked differently. Also, learning to take the high road is important at a young age....even when we really think how nice it would be if we could just once take that low road, it isnt the answer.
Relax for now. And breathe.

 

[Flyaway]

With my kids, I almost always live by the mantra that the less of an issue I make it, the less of an issue it will be for my children. If she voices concern prior to the meet, remind her of what's been posted above (won't be competing against old teammates, maybe won't even see old coaches, gym will look different, etc. etc.) and then move on. Don't dwell on it. Don't constantly check in with her to see what she thinks about it. Don't obsess over possible scenarios that likely won't happen. Just enjoy the moment. She's there to compete. Focus on her. Don't let what happened in the past steal your joy of the moment.

 

[John]

@NYDAD we have spoken about your situation much. I take a different outlook than others. Our situations are similar. I can say my DD loves her old teammates still speaks to them regularly. The coaches are another story. She is just ten and does not offer much when it comes to her outlook on gymnastics and the gym change she has made. She has met old teammates at the old gym location and refuses to go in the facility. The only thing she has vocalized to me, without me asking, about the gym change was quote, "my old coaches let me down". So I can understand your daughter's anxiety about returning to her old gym.

So tell your DD to go to the meet and do her best and enjoy her competition. Tell her to focus on what she can control, herself. More than likely she will see old teammates, score running or timekeeping etc, tell her to say hi and speak to the ones she likes and to be cordial to the others. Be the bigger person if you will. As for coaches tell her to be polite should one approach her. I would tell my DD to do her talking to old coaches with her routines, but that is me.

Does the old gym compete in IGC also?

 

[wallinbl]

Maybe they're nice and polite and tell her hello and good luck. Great. Maybe they ignore her. Maybe they go out of their way to show their disapproval somehow. Not great, but these things happen, and you just encourage your kid to take the high road, and always treat everyone well, no matter how they treat you. Worst case, you have have an opportunity to reinforce another important life lesson.

I'm not trying to dismiss your concerns - just offering my perspective from having been there and experienced both good former coaches and jerk former coaches.

 

[cadybearsmommy]

I'm not even going to lie. I completely get your concerns, especially given what your dd went through at the old gym. I'm an over thinker and a worrywart myself and my poor dd has taken after me. She had a gym switch in the spring and also is scheduled to compete at her old gym's meet this year. We left on good terms and we never had the issues with teammates you described. As a matter of fact dd and her old teammates were really close and I have no doubt they will all be excited to see each other. And I don't in a million years see dd's old coaches being unkind to her at the meet in any way. But I'm still nervous about it, it's a bit awkward. I know that her nerves will be affected having to perform in front of everyone from her old gym and that it may not be her best meet but that's ok. She will probably do this meet every year and over time I'm sure it will become more comfortable.

I would prepare your dd for several scenarios. First of all if they are kind and speak to her she should have a polite greeting to say back. If they ignore her, then she can pretty much do the same. If they are unkind or make any comments this is a good time to teach her to be the bigger person and just ignore them. Unless of course it's really bad and in that case she should let her coach know. Also it probably won't be a bad idea for her to try to keep close to her new coach at this meet. The more she is with the new coach, the less likely they are to say anything, I would think.

I wish I had better advice but I hope it goes smoothly for your dd! I just wanted to say as a fellow worrier I understand!

 

[munchkin3]

I wouldnt even make it a big deal at all. If she is nervous just ask her why, and tell her it will be great to see her old friends and coaches. The same way she wants her old friends to do well, and hit their routines, they want the same thing for her. You can also emphasize that the first meet is that toughest, and she will get this tough meet out of the way first! Just spin it in the most positive way possible.
Remember, the only person who is stressing is you. Your DD will be fine if you are fine. As a good friend told me when i left a gym......they don't care, and they will forget in about 5 minutes and have other things to worry about....Im not trying to be abrupt, but kids come and go all the time....
The goal is that your DD is so preocupied with HER meet that she doesn't even register what others are doing. She will be fine.
The things to repeat for ANY level.....Level 1, or Level 1000, if you Always get up, Always try your best, you will always be a winner.

 

[Deleted member 18037]

You are over thinking it and borrowing trouble.

Take a lot of deep breathes. (Maybe a shot or 2 )

And think Serenity Prayer. You know accept the the things you can not change, wisdom to know the difference stuff...........

Watch Frozen perhaps..... Let It Go.......

Practice meet is to give them a idea what a "meet" will be like, full hair, Leo, line up. So their first meet is not exactly a surprise. Might even be a mock meet with judges for insight into a baseline of scores.

She is going to a meet. Not pushed out into the arena by herself to face the lions. You kiss her. Maybe put some Hershey kisses in her gym bag. Tell her have fun, do her best..... love you. And leave her with her team.

Get the camera and video ready...... and try to enjoy.

Really don't make it a big deal. As my kid says, it's just gymnastics not world war.

You stress and she will. Did I mention let it go.

Edited to add, it's totally OK to root for kicking the old gyms butt (just don't tell daughter )
I love when she/they beat my kids old gym......just saying.

 

[Deleted member 18037]

Does the old gym compete in IGC also?

Not OP but yes, they are hosting.

 

[JessSyd]

I understand your worry too, but it should be OK.

Have you seen a competition before? They are very structured. Your daughter's coach will protectively sheppard her girls around the gym like a group of little ducklings (especially if she knows it is the first competition for some of them) and they will not really get the chance to interact with girls from other gyms. They will not even really get a chance to watch other girls, they will be so focussed on their own work and own team on each apparatus.

My daughter too has competed at an old gym (although switching gyms in Sydney seem to be less acrimonious than it can be over there as girls and coaches seem to switch gyms quite regularly. It an ongoing observation among parents that head coaching here is like a game of musical chairs, and every now and then the whole city undergoes a big shuffle. Except there are usually too many chairs rather than too few so there is always one left over when all the head coaches have sat down again).

But it went well.

Her former coaches came up to her and wished her well. She had fun and did not freak out at all. In fact she seemed to enjoy being there showing off what she can do now that she is allowed to strive toward her potential.

I hope it goes the same way for your daughter. She will be there competing despite the original gym's intention to not allow that, and that is an awesome thing.

 

[Lilou]

We actually went through something similar last year... my daughter left a gym she was doing rec classes at to join team at another gym. Our first meet was at the old gym (hosting it). She knew some of the team girls but honestly, it was not a big deal. Your daughter should know she's going back there for the meet, and how she wants to respond if anyone says anything to her (polite and brief) but that's it. The other girls will be with their coach and team, move from event to event, they're focused on what they're there for and the gymnasts aren't talking to others or even watching others. They have their own skills to practice, routines to get ready for and nerves to keep in check. Coaches are paying attention to their gymnasts. It turned out to be a worry that didn't have to be at all, but my daughter felt good just knowing she was going back there and that she didn't have to talk to anyone if she didn't want to and that she was there to do her gymnastics with her team and that was that.

Also, I support what others are saying above, do not make it a big deal. Plan and let it go.

 

[NY Dad]

I'm the OP with a minor correction , some answers and more questions . The first home meet is a real (there’s no practice meet). Therefore, it’s her second meet that will be at her old gym (a week later).

Thanks for all the advice/perspectives. I sincerely appreciate the time everyone has taken to respond, even the opinions that I don't agree with.

Frankly, it is time for you to accept that you probably did mess up, you left her there way longer than you should have

No, I don’t agree with that at all.

many of us tried to tell you to leave that gym way before you made the decision. It seems like you feel guilty about not getting her out of the old gym and are still processing that.

I agree that others on CB may have recognized it before I did but I got her out of there as quickly as I could when I realized that they had given up on her. By the time we received the evaluation results, the season was over. I felt guilty for sending her to camp at that gym (which started a few days later) but it literally took me two weeks to find another day camp for her. I couldn't just leave her at home alone. (It wasn’t about gymnastics).

I get what many of you are are saying..
.

I won’t make a big deal about this in front of my dd, but she is a worrier. Usually it's at last minute (for example I envision it happening as she’s getting ready for the meet or on the way there). I like the idea of asking her if she has any concerns and taking it from there. However, I also want to prepare her for different scenarios so she’s ready if anyone approaches her.

I love the idea of selling it to her as a positive: (I’m honestly not sure if she’ll buy it)
- to show off everything she's learned to her old coaches & teammates
- she’s familiar with the surroundings and the equipment
- opportunity to see old friends

Also, to tell her:
- It sounds like she’s unlikely to interact with anyone from her old gym unless she or someone else goes out of their way
- She’s just going there to compete at a meet.
- She should focus on her own performance and being a good teammate

your daughter is competing IGC Copper, and that her teammates at the old gym were routed into JO 3. She won't be competing against her old teammates, they are in different streams.

You are correct, at her old gym the progression from pre-team 2 is 3 but the when we got the invitation to be evaluated, there was a mention of both team tracks: JO and IGC. I don’t know if any of the girls were rerouted to IGC.

#2gymkids – I don’t know how the gym took it when she left. When I told her old coach we were leaving (on the phone), he asked me a few questions about where she was going and what level but I didn’t answer. I was short and to the point. I/we aren’t in touch with anyone from the old gym since she left other than to try to get money back for camp (to no avail).

duyetanh, I hear what you’re saying, I should wait until she’s definitely competing before even thinking about this...

Then you talk about the excitement of the first meet, take pics in the leo, deal with the hair debacle

I hear you about a potential hair debacle… (yes, I'm worried )

One other concern I didn’t mention is the balance beam that she fell from when she broke her elbow. At her old gym, her coaches let her avoid that beam (for months) until the actual team evaluation (the one and only time she was on that particular beam since her accident) She said she was very nervous about being up there again (although she said she thought she did well). Maybe I should mention the beam concern to her current coach? Will her coach have any control over which beam she will use at the meet? Not that it matters anymore but we never told the new gym which gym my dd previously attended.

I love when she/they beat my kids old gym......just saying.

Again, I appreciate your perspective.

 

[Deleted member 18037]

One other concern I didn’t mention is the balance beam that she fell from when she broke her elbow. At her old gym, her coaches let her avoid that beam (for months) until the actual team evaluation (the one and only time she was on that particular beam since her accident) She said she was very nervous about being up there again (although she said she thought she did well). Maybe I should mention the beam concern to her current coach? Will her coach have any control over which beam she will use at the meet? Not that it matters anymore but we never told the new gym which gym my dd previously attended.

Again you are so over thinking this.

It's one meet, at one gym and one beam.

Even if she flat out just doesn't do beam. She gets there and says no how no way. It's one meet. In the scheme of what will hopefully be at least a few gymnastic seasons it just.won't.matter.

The natural consequences will prevail. She will take gymnastic life lessons away from it and she will move on.

Please have some wine and watch Frozen......

 

[raenndrops]

One other concern I didn’t mention is the balance beam that she fell from when she broke her elbow. At her old gym, her coaches let her avoid that beam (for months) until the actual team evaluation (the one and only time she was on that particular beam since her accident) She said she was very nervous about being up there again (although she said she thought she did well). Maybe I should mention the beam concern to her current coach? Will her coach have any control over which beam she will use at the meet? Not that it matters anymore but we never told the new gym which gym my dd previously attended.
Again, I appreciate your perspective.

As for the beam, no... The coach gets no say.
However, a meet set up is totally different than a practice set up.
It is very possible that it won't even look like the same beam. There is a very good possibility that beams will be moved (easier to move a beam than a floor).
At our gym, we never have a beam set up with "full competition matting" except at meets. That means that only one of our beams is set up for dismounts off the end (and only one end) during practice. The beams share mats (with fall safety zones not quite as big as they have to be for meets) during practice.
For practices, our optionals work skills on all the beams, but full routines are only done on the one beam. L3-5 can do routines on any beam at practices though.